The Grinch

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“Like me, he enjoyed dressing up in costumes and going down peoples' chimneys.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Grinch

Eisenheim Grinch
Grinch-how-to-1.jpg
Eisenheim Grinch in his Santa disguise.
Born Eisenheim Phileas Christofferson Grinch
October 31, 1890
Whoville, New York, United States
Died December 25, 2013 (aged 123)
The North Pole, Canada
Nationality Italian-American
Other names The Grinch, Ungrinch the Grinch, MC Pauly G
Occupation Deity, rapper
Known for Stealing Christmas

Eisenheim Phileas Christofferson Grinch (October 31, 1890 – December 25, 2013), commonly known as The Grinch, is the second most prominent figure in the Christmas religion behind the patron saint of breaking and entering, Santa Claus. Conversely, the Grinch is known in most Christmasian circles as the patron saint of stealing. He is also considered by followers of this religion as a Satan-like figure, hell-bent on destroying all the righteousness produced by the godlike figure of Claus. There is an ongoing debate as to whether or not the Grinch is the most evil figure in the Christmas religion, as he is in high contention for this position with Krampus, Ebenezer Scrooge, and Steve Finch.

Before his rise to saint status, Eisenheim Grinch gained notoriety through his many attempts to steal Christmas and thwart Santa Claus. His attempts garnered enough attention to be broadcast on international news and caused the Grinch to be placed on America's most wanted list. During the mid-1960s, the Grinch became a born-again Christian with the help of missionaries Cindy Lou Who and Mike "The Cat in the Hat" Myers and sought a new life without stealing and Satan worship, changing his name to Ungrinch the Grinch. However, after witnessing the death of the Easter Bunny in the Great Helicopter Crash of 1977, Ungrinch swore that he would never believe in God again; returning to his old Grinch persona, he sought to steal holidays again, switching to Halloween instead of Christmas.

In the early 2010s, Grinch adopted the alter ego of MC Pauly G in response to Snoop Lion's spiritual journey into Rastafarianism. His career spawned hit singles such as "Robin Laid an Egg", "Snowflakes and Heartbreaks", and a cover of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by Boris Karloff Thurl Ravenscroft. The Grinch stated that he no longer wished to steal presents, only to spread joy through his musical career. Unfortunately, his foray into do-gooding was cut short by Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, who murdered the Grinch in 2013; in the decades since the Grinch's 1957 Christmas heist, Rudolf had been seeking revenge on his enemy for besmirching the holiday's good name.

Biography

Early life

According to ancient Christmasian manuscripts, Eisenheim Phileas Christofferson Grinch was born in the year of our Lord 1890 to parents Theodor S. Grinchel and Helen Palmer Grinchel. It is also said that the Grinch was produced by a virgin birth of Satan, though neither Ted, nor Helen have acknowledged this.

Eisenheim was raised in the financially unstable ghetto of New York City known by locals as "Whoville", or "Who Wants to Lick My Cheeksville". His parents were far too underpaid to buy him any Christmas presents, which caused the young Grinch to develop a hatred of the holidays. Eisenheim was quoted in a profanity-laden 2005 interview with Craig Ferguson on NBC's The Tonight Show, saying, on the topic of his childhood, "It was a damn rough shitlife to go through. Christmas was the worst 'cause I had all these pricks making fun of me and shit of that nature because I was poor. I didn't get any pressies. Just cheap old raunchy old fuckitty-bye fat cakes. And the fat man never gave me a fucking present. He only delivers to Christians, the twat."

Stealing Christmas

At the age of 67, the Grinch decided to put a stop to what he considered to be the biased attitude of Santa Claus and the Church of Christmas. The Christmas Bible written by Clement C. Moore details the events of the Grinch's descent into Satan worship:

“And truly I sayeth unto you, the Grinch hath made a pact with the Beast. And from that day, thy presents shall be taken, and thy wives shall be raped, and Christmas shall be stolen. He hath descended into darkness to join the likes of Krampus and Steve Finch. Repent, lest thou endeth up on the Naughty List of the Lord thy God, Saint Nicholas.”
~ The Christmas Bible by Clement Clarke Moore

The Grinch's first attempt at stealing presents left by Santa happened on Christmas Eve of 1957; thousands of Whovian homes were broken into and all presents and decorations were stolen. A warrant was issued for the arrest of the Grinch by every country considering Christmas as a national religion. The Grinch escaped to his secret lair in Mount Crumpit and was never seen again until the following Christmas.

Conversion to Christianity

Brinch

Eisenheim singing hymns in church.

The Grinch was reportedly approached by toddler missionaries Cindy Lou Who and Mike Myers (later known as The Cat in the Hat) one Christmas Eve in 1966. They allegedly convinced Grinch that Christmas is about giving rather than getting; when that seemed not to be enough, they smoked Who Hash together, after which the Grinch was quoted as saying, "Grinch understand Mike much better now."

The Grinch then became a born-again believer and sought to spread love around the world with music.

Death of the Easter Bunny and aftermath

Eisenheim Grinch was known to be good friends with the Easter Bunny after his Christian conversion, as Bunny was also adamant about spreading love to the masses by delivering chocolate eggs to an already-overweight country. They regularly attended parties and charity banquets together to help promote peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

On Easter Sunday, the Easter Bunny was killed in a tragic helicopter accident above New York City. News of the incident quickly reached the Grinch who reportedly went into a fit of alcohol and depression that lasted two weeks, locking himself in his master bedroom. When authorities later examined the room, they allegedly found bits of chewed-up beer bottles, dirty socks, and candy cane powder all over the bed and carpet. The Grinch himself had fled the premises to return to his old base of operations atop Mount Crumpit.

In a 1977 statement during a press conference, the Grinch confirmed that he had indeed given up Christianity, opting instead to return to his old holiday-stealing roots, this time stealing Halloween in an event referred to by historians as "Halloween Is Grinch Night". When questioned by a reporter as to whether or not the Easter Bunny's death had any influence on his change of life, Grinch simply refused to comment on the matter. Later on, however, in his 2007 autobiography How the Grinch Stole Christmas!: The Story of How I Stole Christmas, he admitted that Bunny's death had played a pivotal role in his descent into madness.

MC Pauly G

Who hash

The Grinch and his nasty addiction.

In the decades following Easter Bunny's death, the Grinch had found himself heavily addicted to Who Hash, which he used to occupy himself in the 364 days between Halloweens. Knowing that he was in serious trouble, in 2012, he sought help through reggae music, which he claimed would calm him in his Halloween-hating fits that he would allegedly take ten to fifteen times a day. The Grinch soon discovered the new music of Snoop Lion, inspired by the singer's conversion to Rastafarianism. Inspired by Snoop Lion's spiritual journey, the Grinch decided to follow suit and become a full-on Rasta.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to The Grinch.
“I was...like, give me a religion where you could still smoke weed and be close to God. That was all I wanted. Maybe I just wasn't accepted because they were all like haters and haters going to hate, you know what I'm saying? Because it makes sense. And it just made sense, just like that to me. That's all that matters, so what matters is all that matters, you know? I was inspired by the Almighty Jah to start spreading the love again man.”
~ The Grinch

Grinch returned to the music-making business under the name MC Pauly G, and in 2013 released his debut album Green With Gangrene, which borrows from the old styles of reggae and blues. The album was released to generally positive reviews from music critics, with Adam Levine calling it "a true breakthrough in awesome music, and it's sure better than Reincarnated." Pauly G also wrote an original song for the Trailer Park Boys movie, titled "Snowflakes and Heartbreaks".

Death

Grinchdead

The death of the Grinch.

On Christmas Day of 2013, the Grinch was found dead in his room by his dog Max. According to police reports, a sharpened candy cane was embedded in the victim's chest; also, a note was found on the bed next to the body that read "That's for taking my Tony Hawk Pro Skater, asshole." Police deemed the incident murder in the first degree, and investigation immediately began to find the killer. A hoof print identification confirmed the killer to be none other than Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, who had been seeking revenge on the Grinch since the Great Christmas Caper of 1957.

Eisenheim Grinch was interred on January 1, 2014 at the North Pole, the pole itself being replaced with a grave marker. Rudolf was later found and apprehended by the authorities and is currently serving his 26-year sentence in a Los Angeles prison.

Personal life

Eisenheim Grinch was married six times, first to Rita MacGrinch (1924–1957), then to Getrude McFuzz (1957–1966), Martha May Whovier (1966–1977), Mayzie McGrew (1977–2000), Cindy Lou Who (2000–2012), and finally Grinch Grincherson from 2012 until his death in 2013.

The Grinch considered himself to be a religious man. He first belonged to the Church of Satan before being converted to Christianity, then returned to Satanism after the death of the Easter Bunny. Upon becoming a Rasta, Grinch also adopted the practice of Santaism.

Struggling with drug addiction all his life, the Grinch admitted that Who Hash basically decided the entire course of his life.

Role in religion

1264454601 ap9-the-grinch

The Grinch's first album cover.

The Grinch has become a prominent figure in the Christmas religion. He is considered one of the four devils of Christmas, along with Scrooge, Krampus, and Steven Finch. Pope Claus of the Christmasian Church has officially designated the Grinch as the demon of Christmas Eve, with Finch, Krampus, and Scrooge being the demons of Christmas Day, Tips Eve, and Boxing Day, respectively.

For his transgressions against the Christmas Spirit, the Grinch has been condemned to the deepest circle of the giant Christmas pudding in the sky, which is considered to be so hot and distasteful that it is unbearable to a mortal soul.

The Grinch is used by parents in a similar manner to Krampus. It is said that bad children will be taken away in the Grinch's sack to be raped and then have to listen to a giant monkey playing the cymbals for the rest of eternity.

Controversy

Many Christmasians believe the Grinch to be forgiven of his sins because of his giving up stealing presents later in his life. Many radicals also believe that the Grinch became a martyr upon death and wish to replace him as the Christmas devil with Rudolf.

The Papacy of Christmas maintains that the Grinch has never been cleansed of his sins, as he smoked far too much pot.

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