The Grinch

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“Like me, he enjoyed dressing up in costumes and going down peoples' chimneys.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Grinch

Eisenheim Phileas Christofferson Grinch
Grinch-how-to-1.jpg
Eisenheim Grinch in his Santa disguise.
Born 31 October 1890
Whoville, New York, USA
Died 25 December 2008 (aged 118)
The North Pole, Canada
Nationality Italian-American
Other names The Grinch, Ungrinch the Grinch, MC Pauly G
Occupation Deity, Rapper
Known for Stealing Christmas

Eisenheim Phileas Christofferson Grinch (commonly known as the Grinch) is the second most prominent figure in the Christmas religion behind the patron saint of breaking and entering, Santa Claus. Conversely, the Grinch is known in most Christmasian circles as the patron saint of stealing. He is also considered by followers of this religion as a Satan-like figure, hell-bent on destroying all the righteousness produced by the godlike figure of Claus. There is an ongoing debate as to whether or not the Grinch is the most evil figure in the Christmas religion, as he is in high contention for this position with Krampus, Ebenezer Scrooge, and Steve Finch.

Before his rise to saint status, Eisenheim Grinch gained notoriety through his many attempts to steal Christmas and thwart Santa Claus. His attempts have even garnered enough attention to be broadcast on international news and cause the Grinch to be placed on America's most wanted list over the 9000th position. During the early 1980s, the Grinch became a born again Christian with the help of missionary David "the Cat in the Hat" Spade and sought a new life without stealing and Satan worship, changing his name to Ungrinch the Grinch. After witnessing the death of the Easter Bunny in the Great Helicopter Crash of 1987, Grinch swore that he would never believe in God again. Returning to his old Eisenheim Grinch persona, the Grinch sought to steal Christmas again.

Most recently, he has adopted the alter ego of MC Pauly G in response to Snoop Lion's spiritual journey into Rastafarianism. The Grinch has since stated that he no longer wishes to steal presents, only to spread joy through his musical career. His debut album as Pauly G, Green With Gangrene, has spawned hit singles such as Robin Laid an Egg, Smoke da Weed, and a cover of Wannabe by the Pussycat Dolls.

Biography

Early life

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Grinch.

According to ancient Christmasian manuscripts, Eisenheim Phileas Christofferson Grinch was born in the year of our Lord 1890 to parents Joe Paterno and Joe Pesci, the actors who portrayed the principal antagonists of the 2009 hit film Home Alone. It is also said that the Grinch was produced by a virgin birth of Satan, though neither Paterno, nor Pesci have acknowledged this.

Eisenheim was raised in the financially unstable ghetto of New York City known by locals as "Whoville" or "Who Wants to Lick my Cheeksville". His two fathers were far too underpaid to buy him any Christmas presents, which caused the young Grinch to develop a hatred of the holidays. Eisenheim was quoted in a profanity-laden 2005 interview with Craig Ferguson on NBC's The Tonight Show, saying, on the topic of his childhood, "It was a damn rough shitlife to go through. Christmas was the fucking worst 'cause I had all these cunts making fun of me and shit of that nature because I was poor. I didn't get any pressies. Just cheap motherfucking old raunchy old fucking fuckitty-bye fat cakes. And the fat man never gave me a fucking present. He only delivers to Christians, the twat."

Stealing Christmas

At the age of 45, the Grinch decided to put a stop to what he considered to be the biased attitude of Santa Claus and the Church of Christmas. The Christmas Bible written by Clement C. Moore details the events of the Grinch's descent into Satan worship:

“And truly I sayeth unto you, the Grinch hath made a pact with the Beast. And from that day, thy presents shall be taken, and thy wives shall be raped, and Christmas shall be stolen. He hath descended into darkness to join the likes of Krampus and Steve Finch. Repent, lest thou endeth up on the Naughty List of the Lord thy God, Saint Nicholas.”
~ The Christmas Bible by Clement Clarke Moore

The Grinch's first attempt at stealing presents left by Jonas Nicklasson happened on Christmas Eve of 2000. Over 9000 homes were broken into and all presents and decorations were stolen. A warrant was issued for the arrest of the Grinch by every country considering Christmas as a national religion. The Grinch escaped to his secret lair in Mount Crumpit and was never seen again until the following Christmas.

Conversion to Christianity

Brinch

Eisenheim singing hymns in church.

The Grinch was reportedly approached by missionaries Cindy Lou Who and David Spade one Christmas Eve. They allegedly convinced Grinch that Christmas is about giving rather than getting. When that seemed not to be enough, they smoked marijuana together, after which the Grinch was quoted as saying, "Grinch understand David much better now." The Grinch became a born again believer and sought to spread love around the world with music.

Death of the Easter Bunny and aftermath

Eisenheim Grinch was known to be good friends with the Easter Bunny after his Christian conversion, as Bunny was also adamant about spreading love to the masses by delivering chocolate eggs to an already overweight country. They regularly attended parties and charity banquets together to help promote peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

On Easter Sunday, the Easter Bunny was killed in a tragic helicopter accident above New York City. News of the incident quickly reached the Grinch who reportedly went into a fit of alcohol and depression that lasted two weeks, locking himself in his master bedroom. When authorities later examined the room, they allegedly found bits of chewed up beer bottles, dirty socks, and candy cane powder all over the bed and carpet. The Grinch himself had fled the premises to return to his old base of operations atop Mount Crumpit.

In a 2002 statement during a press conference, the Grinch confirmed that he had indeed given up Christianity, opting instead to return to his old present stealing roots. When questioned by a reporter as to whether or not the Easter Bunny's death had any influence on his change of life, Grinch simply refused to comment on the matter. Later on, however, in his 2007 autobiography How the Grinch Stole Christmas: The Story of How I Stole Christmas, he admitted that Bunny's death had played a pivotal role in his descent into madness.

MC Pauly G

Who hash

The Grinch and his nasty addiction.

In the years following Easter Bunny's death, the Grinch had found himself heavily addicted to alcohol, cocaine, and cannabis, as well as pornography, which he used to occupy himself in the 364 days between Christmases. Knowing that he was in serious trouble, Grinch sought help through reggae music, which he claimed would calm him in his Christmas-hating fits that he would allegedly take ten to fifteen times a day. The Grinch soon discovered the new music of Snoop Lion, inspired by the singer's conversion to Rastafarianism. Inspired by Snoop Lion's spiritual journey, the Grinch decided to follow suit and become a full-on Rasta.

“I was...like, give me a religion where you could still smoke weed and be close to God. That was all I wanted. Maybe I just wasn't accepted because they were all like haters and haters going to hate, you know what I'm saying? Because it makes sense. And it just made sense, just like that to me. That's all that matters, so what matters is all that matters, you know? I was inspired by the Almighty Jah to start spreading the love again man.”
~ The Grinch

Grinch returned to the music-making business under the name MC Pauly G. He has since released his debut album Green With Gangrene which borrows from the old styles of reggae and blues. The album was released to generally positive reviews from music critics, with Adam Levine calling it "a true breakthrough in awesome music, and it's sure better than Reincarnated."

Pauly G has also been confirmed to be writing an original song for the upcoming Trailer Park Boys movie. The Grinch later tweeted the name of the track to be "Ashtrays and Heartbreaks".

Death

Grinchdead

The death of the Grinch.

On Christmas Day of 2008, the Grinch was found dead in his room by his dog Max. According to police reports, a sharpened candy cane was embedded in the victim's chest. Also, a note was found on the bed next to the body that read "That's for taking my Tony Hawk: Pro Skater, asshole." 500 pounds of marijuana were also found on the premises. Police deemed the incident murder in the first degree, and investigation immediately began to find the killer. A hoof print identification confirmed the killer to be none other than Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer who had been seeking revenge on the Grinch since the Great Christmas Caper of 2000.

Eisenheim Grinch was interred on January 1st, 2009 at the North Pole, the pole itself being replaced with a grave marker.

Rudolf was later found and apprehended by the authorities and is currently serving his 26-year sentence in a Los Angeles prison.

Personal life

Eisenheim Grinch has been married six times, first to Rita MacGrinch (1924-1931), then to Alan Moore (1955-1985), Ian McDiarmid (1986-1987), Sheldon Cooper (1988-1996), Cindy Lou Who (1997-2001), and finally Grinch Grincherson from 2002 to his death in 2008.

The Grinch considers himself to be a religious man. He first belonged to the Church of Satan before being converted to Christianity. He then returned to Satanism after the death of the Easter Bunny. Upon becoming a Rasta, Grinch also adopted the practice of Santaism.

Struggling with drug addiction all his life, the Grinch has admitted that marihuana has basically decided the entire course of his life.

Role in religion

The Grinch has become a prominent figure in the Christmas religion. He is considered one of the four devils of Christmas, along with Scrooge, Krampus, and Steven Finch. Pope Claus of the Christmasian Church has officially designated the Grinch as the demon of Christmas Eve, with Finch, Krampus, and Scrooge being the demons of Christmas Day, Tips Eve, and Boxing Day, respectively.

For his transgressions against the Christmas Spirit, the Grinch has been condemned to the deepest circle of the giant Christmas pudding in the sky, which is considered to be so hot and distasteful that it is unbearable to a mortal soul.

The Grinch is used by parents in a similar manner to Krampus. It is said that bad children will be taken away in the Grinch's sack to be raped and then have to listen to a giant monkey playing the cymbals for the rest of eternity.

Controversy

Many Christmasians believe the Grinch to be forgiven of his sins because of his giving up stealing presents later in his life. Many radicals also believe that the Grinch became a martyr upon death and wish to replace him as the Christmas devil with Rudolf.

The Papacy of Christmas maintains that the Grinch has never been cleansed of his sins, as he smoked far too much pot.

Discography

1264454601 ap9-the-grinch

The Grinch's first album cover.

  • 2012 - Green With Gangrene (posthumous release)
  • 2013 - Ashtrays and Heartbreaks (non-album single; posthumous release)

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