From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“He is a promising rookie.”
“I will eat your soul!”
“Unless I'm on a diet, then I'll only nibble the corners.”
“Just please wash your hands first.”
“You can't have my soul! I spent a lot of money insuring it and grim reaping is the one thing it doesn't cover. The power of Christ compels you!”
“Don't fear him!!”
“ Suck a cheetah's dick.”
“I'm not always the Grim Reaper. I mean, sometimes I'm the Happy Reaper or the Joyful Reaper, maybe even the Excited Reaper...But, during the day, I can usually pass for George Bush.”
“I bribed him not to kill me. What makes you think he's any more resistant to corruption than anyone else?”
The Grim "Reaper" (AKA andrew young ) is highly misunderestimated. Yes, misunderestimated. The Grim Reaper should be thanked for taking your soul and doing pleasurable things to it, rather than if he did something horrible and/or disgusting to it. The Grim Reaper is commonly referred to as "The Big Huffer", "Bluegrass Mcgee: on the reaper" or "God's bitch" or uncommonly known as "Mantubu O'Mally". The Grim Reaper also enjoys the color pink, mainly because God took white and Goths took black. He is contractually obliged, however, to wear his trademark black, ghoulish robes. When off duty, he has been photographed wearing flamboyant sports jackets and a Gold Hat. He has on one occasion, donned the robes of the hogfather and rode through Discworld giving presents to people.
When he was born, the doctor slapped his mama for such an ugly child. This caused the Grim Reaper untold psychological torment causing him to become a murderous scythe-wielding maniac. He recently starred in a movie directed by Rob Zombie, when asked what he thought about it he said, "that was way to scary for me."
Owing to a with the school database, he was transferred to The school of morbidly obese children. Here he was mocked for being skinny, and eventually tried to take his own life. During this time, he became the "Grim bleeper" and developed a speech impediment, which left him unable to swear. An example is "You little *BLEEP*"
He came in with his first scythe during his work experience at school. Instead of going to the city morgue as planned, he was accidentally placed at a farm and forgot about for 7 years. As a child, he won a beauty contest that was judged by the blind, who obviously couldn't see (hahaha). He said on this joyful occasion "this is the best day of my death!" but he didn't know that they were blind, and if he did he probably would have set them on fire. He then proceeded to reap the souls of the audience members. As a teenager, he experimented with drugs and became known as the "Grim reefer". He became a successful drug dealer soon after this and had links all over the world. This was until the police caught him selling it to 5 year olds. He was sentenced to prison where he had much fun with his cellmates in the shower. He was released from prison after 6 months (he had time off because of good behavior) and became a reformed character. He got a job in the local parish and was so good at delivering souls to God, that he became honorary "pope of the day". When he was 5 millennia old he saw his spawner use a bathrobe and enter her She-spawner and hell broke, he then stole that bathrobe and puked all over it, he has been using it ever since.
The young Grim Reaper in his fetal state.
Family and Friends
He is married to Raven, and they have successfully had 7 children, 2 of them being 3 headed dogs and the rest are miniature..... well, hims...
The majority of friends and family consist of people that have names that rhyme with "grim reaper" or are puns (e.g. his aunt, "Auntie matter"). One of his close and most trusted family dismember, is the Rim Reaper. He is named as such as he lives in the toilet. His uncle, the Dim reaper,, is said to be one of the stupidest and least radiant of the reaper family. His other uncle, the "grim peeper", is said to spy on people while bathing. His mother is actress and singer Barbra Streisand.
Also, the Grim Reaper's best friend has been reported as being none other than The Sim Speaker. The Sim Speaker is, as of right now, gifted, as he is the only person/dead thing to be able to understand AND speak the Sims language (hence the name, The Sim Speaker). The Grim Reaper commented on this, saying that occasionally The Sim Speaker would utter seemingly random nonsense, only to find that in the Sims language it meant something derogatory or that made sense.
His other best friend and idol is non other than the infamous Satan. Grim has this to say about him.
“Satan is pretty much awesome. He is my hero, and I look up to him for advice. I'm also actually scared of Satan... I mean just look at him! He is evil! With that long red tail, that pitchfork and that reddish glow. He could almost be a model! haha!”
Notable accomplishments, Facts and Trivia
The Grim Reaper has been involved in most the deaths of famous people, such as Yoda and The Swedish Chef. He also won the "WeightWatchers slimmer of the Year Award" in 2003 after weighing a massive 70 pounds! He helped Ronald McDonald to invent Malaria as a filler in Big Macs, but it escaped from a shipping crate on its way to Norway. He killed George Bush in the year 300980243908 ending the reign of the cyborg president.
He, contrare to unpopular belief, is not death.
He, contrare to unpopular belief, is not deaf. But he wears a hearing aid because he likes how it looks on him.
He, contrare to dispopular hexadecimal unbelief, has an alias of Mr. William Gates, also known as Mr Icro Soft, aka Win Dows Vistaservesnopurposeotherthantocompletelyaggravatetheuserintodestroyingalllifeforms.
He will not kill you if you have no life (such as World of Warcraft players)
He has bedded Your Mom on numerous occasions and stole food out of your fridge.
The Grim Reaper invented the phrase "Dicing with death" while still at school. It was in his cooking class when he and his friend were chopping up a carrot, when he "accidentally" chopped of his friends head. He then remarked "You shouldn't be dicing with death then". He also invented the phrase "Dancing with death" (and has sued Iron Maiden for breaching Patent) while at the prom. He was dancing with his date, when he "accidentally" chopped off her head. He then remarked "You shouldn't be dancing with death then".
The Grim Reaper hates the undead.
The Grim Reaper Loves you. He just wants to be your friend. Like George does.
If the Grim Reaper kills all he touches, if he touches himself does he die? Some people say yes to this, some say no. The TRUE conundrum is that if the Grim Reaper did kill all that he touches, he would surely have killed himself before now; however, he is still alive, and has touched himself previously, which would mean that he DOES not kill all that he touches. But he insists that he does... In the enlightenment of the above controversy/conundrum, this COULD be considered a paradox. However, no one has ever seen the Grim Reaper touch himself. Some say that he DOES kill himself, but he isn't dead in the first place, and cannot die. These people touch themselves. In that sense he would be related to Matt Hardy, who cannot seem to die.
Slaying the Grim Reaper
The grim reaper has been killed numerous times during his lifetime. The rule is, that if anyone kills the grim reaper, he will have to assume the tasks of the reaper, according to the Laws of Death. Below is a list of people who have actually killed the grim reaper.
- Neo (Death just happened to be disguised as a Smith at the time)
- Those kids on the Final Destination films, boy those sucked. And didn't old Grimmy know it.
- Homer Simpson
- Herman Li
- Oscar Wilde
- Chuck Norris (7000 times. Count that...7000.)
- Bill and Ted
- Jake Hawes
- John Young
- Hulk Hogan
- All of the backstreet boys, in order of ascending singing talent
- God Himself, although the grim reaper doesn't know this... Yet!
- The Grim Reaper
- Homer Simpson (Again)
- George W. Bush
- Saddam Hussein
- Billy and Mandy. Although he never got to kill both of them. He did get killed a lot from them.
- George W. Bush
- Saddam Hussein
- Peter Griffin
- Homer Simpson, again, and again.deficated his bodyy till it was nice and purple
- Your mom, you may not believe but its true man.
- Mr T, He pityed that fool
- The Burger King
- Owen Harper
- John Petrucci
- Hansi Kürsch
- About half of the 31 hundred billion members of Slipknot
- This Guy
- You in ten seconds, then Death is pissed off and kills you
- Me(you wish you knew who wrote this)
- Rouge the Bat, Killed him 10 times before he hit the floor. I am not kidding.
- Phil Anselmo It was rumored the lead singer of Pantera once beat the shit out of death in a drunken rage. Producers recorded the entire brawl and after adding Dimebag's solos to the recordings they where subsequently released in 1990 as the album Cowboys from Hell
- Every single protagonist in Castlevania has killed death at least once.
A few things to do when you meet Grim
Here are a few things to do when... Oh, for heavens sake. The title explains it. Just read.
- Check to see if your dreaming. If you are dreaming, you have nothing to fear. If you're not, start fearing.
- Check to see if Grim has seen you. If he hasn't, hide behind something. Another thing people like to do is set up sign saying, "He went that way!".
- If he has seen you, you should lay down and accept death. Say something nice to end your life with.
- Screw that, you do not greet death, you punch him repeatedly in the throat as he drags you away.
- Using Sonic Booms or Hadoukens do not work against Death, it only infuriates him more.
- If you don't agree with the last option, run around screaming for a while. This will probably humor the Lord of Death to no end.
- Try telling him a joke. He might spare your life. Then again, he's most likely to kill you all the same. Maybe even more painfully.
- He may try to trick you into touching him. Do not accept a high-five or handshake, even if he says you have just won a new... Shiny... Lamborghini... Mmm... Lamborghini...
- Do NOT start huffing kittens, as this will take up precious fleeing time.
- Try to stay calm. Death can smell a drop of sweat from two billion light-years away. He can also lick his elbows--despite not having a tongue.
- If you happen to have a Cheese Stick on your person, try and trade it for your freedom. I happen to know Death likes Cheese Sticks.
- Finally, if you happen to be Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, Mr. T or a Grue, have no fear. Death does not approach these divine beings. If you are not them, fear. Fear like you have never feared before.
- The Grim Reaper is only grim 364 days a year.
- On that one day, he grabs a six-pack and watches reruns of Mindy & Mork, despite the clear fact that he despises both of them.
- The Grim Reaper (Kurosaki Ichigo) lives in Japan.
- Is actually from Canada (That's right bitches!)
- Has a son, the Happy Reaper
- The Grim reaper is played by a member of the Monty Python team.
- His son is called Elvis.
- Is obsessed with The Carpenters.
- There is a society of Soul Reapers (confused Jr. reapers) that are training to become the next Grim Reaper.
- Gets employer matching of 50%, up to 9% on his 401(k)..... which is actually pretty damn good.
- Is one of the Spanish Conquistadors, but not many people know about this theory, as the Grim Reaper is constantly undercover and changing names.
- Prefers cats to dogs.
- Good friends with Samurai Lincoln.
- Is actually a pile of half eaten chicken legs.
- It is said that he is too afraid to tell Gray Fox that he died ten years ago. The Grim reaper however says that Fox is still going strong, and won't die for at least another 30 years.
- Stands firmly in the "no pickles" camp when it comes to his tuna-salad sandwich.
- Isn't Grim, but is actually quite happy about his work.
- Is a homosexual
“NO I'M NOT!”
“Yes you are!”
“Haha, okay you found me out, let me just pat your back.”
“Congratulations on being nominated for reaper of the year. *shakes reaper's hand with a fake hand*”
- There is currently a rumor that The Grim Reaper was responsible for the death of Elvis Presley. Many believe that Heaven and Hell were fighting over who got the "King" of rap/nude waiter at their service. According to this rumor, The Grim Reaper decided to take the "King" for himself, and made sure Elvis left the building. And leave he did, into The Grim Reaper's grasp. There is, however, another rumor countering this one, saying the Presley is hiding in California in a sandcastle with Eddie Guerrero and The Grim Reaper, all of them eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches. However, this is widely believe to be untrue, as The Grim Reaper has other jobs to do, such as creating name typos like his own, and Elvis and Eddie have to be "dead".
- Fully capable of holding a conversation
- Always willing to eat a nice helpful of curry.
- If the Grim Reaper found Gray Fox, he would eat his skull because of the fear of a high frequency katana being rammed into his face... lucky bastard.
- Is his own mother because of an accident involving a nuclear reactor, several grandfather clocks and a couple of goats.
- Is part of a top secret team of grim reapers, operating in sync across the world. They work shifts and after work they all meet up to play poker in a smoky locker room in a backstreet in Bradford (a.k.a. Hell). Before poker they play homo-erotic towel whipping games in the showers. Contrary to popular belief, one does not need to be dead to join the team. However, applicants must have no hearts, souls, eyes or skin, and must be capable of hefting a large bag full of souls. An attraction to kittens is also needed.
- The Grim Reaper dislikes Black Metal because it kills Christians faster than he can.
- The Grim Reaper's favorite band is DragonForce, due to the amount of clients they send his way via their suicides resulting from attempting to play along with the music.
- The Grim Reapers second favorite band is Children Of Bodom because they have let him stylishly pose on the front of their album covers, hes still waiting to be payed, but he wont harvest their souls as their so good.
- The Grim Reaper speaks all in capital letters, and therefore may be Benson or one of his sock-puppets.
- The Grim Reaper sometimes has a mustache. He shaves it off every 10,000 years.
- The Grim Reaper's girlfriend is cheating on him. She's currently going out with Kevorkian.
- Favorite Food Is Half-Eaten Chicken Legs.
- Death once took up a cookery course and attempted to cook the teacher which ended up with expulsion.
- Prior to contrary belief, the grim reaper did not appear on family Guy. His Brother, The Depressed reaper played his part. Halfway through shooting, The Depressed reaper shot himself. As A result, Stewie Griffen had to take the role quite suddenly, much to the annoyance of his son.
- The Grim Reaper has a 12 Inch Penis, But a more "vital" part of it was lost in his fight with The Burger King. This was later included in the (somewhat controversial) Double Whopper Deal.
- The Grim reaper claims to be the happiest undead person alive.
- There is a theory that states that the majority of these theoriess are not theories, but are infact made up theories! Pheew.
- Inculding the previous theory.
- And the previous.
- And the previous
- And the...
The Grim Reaper and You
Don't you dare try to stop Death. He always wins. Unless you're one of those lucky people above that managed to slay him, which I wouldn't count on, you weakling, he's gonna get you. When it's your time, (which should be in about 4 minutes,) he will come take you, fill out the appropriate paperwork, and send you on your way to hell. (Or possibly heaven, but don't get your hopes up.)