Grim Reaper

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Major Rewrite for UN:CW!)
Line 1: Line 1:
<div class="usermessage">You have [[Stephen Colbert|to make Wikipedia say that Phil Hendrie is dead]].</div> {{Wikipedia}}
+
[[Image:Necropaxx.jpg|thumb|250px|The Grim Reaper isn't always grim. This photo was taken when Grim was quite drunk and having the life of his time.]]
[[Image:JaggerLol1.jpg|thumb|200px|Mick Jagger and his personal message to the Grim Reaper]]
+
{{Q|I'm not always the Grim Reaper. I mean, sometimes I'm the Happy Reaper or the Joyful Reaper, maybe even the ''Excited'' Reaper...But, on the job, it's always ''Grim'' Reaper time.|The Grim Reaper|being misunderstood}}
+
{{Q|I will eat your soul!|The Grim Reaper again}}
{{Q|He is a promising rookie.|[[Chuck Norris]]|the Grim Reaper}}
+
{{Q|Unless I'm on a diet, then I'll only nibble the corners.|The Grim Reaper once more}}
 
{{Q|I will eat your soul!|The Grim Reaper|}}
 
 
{{Q|Unless I'm on a diet, then I'll only nibble the corners.|The Grim Reaper|}}
 
 
{{Q|Just please wash your hands first.|The Grim Reaper and Garfield|}}
 
{{Q|You can't have my soul! I spent a lot of money insuring it and grim reaping is the one thing it doesn't cover. The power of Christ compels you!|srn347|grim reaper}}
 
{{Q|Don't fear him!!|[[Blue Oyster Cult]]|grim reaper}}
 
{{Q| Suck a cheetah's dick.| [[Wesley Willis]] on cheetahs|}}
 
{{Q|I'm not always the ''Grim'' Reaper. I mean, sometimes I'm the ''Happy'' Reaper or the ''Joyful'' Reaper, maybe even the ''Excited'' Reaper...But, during the day, I can usually pass for George Bush.|The Grim Reaper|being misunderstood}}
 
{{Q|I bribed him not to kill me. What makes you think he's any more resistant to corruption than anyone else?|Tyber Zann|The Grim Reaper}}
 
 
 
The Grim "Reaper" (AKA andrew young
 
) is highly misunderestimated. Yes, misunderestimated. The Grim Reaper should be thanked for taking your soul and doing pleasurable things to it, rather than if he did something horrible and/or disgusting to it. The Grim Reaper is commonly referred to as "The Big Huffer", "Bluegrass Mcgee: on the reaper" or "God's bitch" or uncommonly known as "Mantubu O'Mally". The Grim Reaper also enjoys the color pink, mainly because [[God]] took white and [[Goths]] took black. He is contractually obliged, however, to wear his trademark black, ghoulish robes. When off duty, he has been photographed wearing flamboyant sports jackets and [[a Gold Hat]]. He has on one occasion, donned the robes of the hogfather and rode through Discworld giving presents to people.
 
   
  +
'''The Grim Reaper''' is widely recognized as the [[Angel]] of [[Death]], whose occupation it is to usher the souls of the living into the realm of the dead. He is also a semi-famous screen personality, failed comedian, reformed alcoholic, and goes [[golf]]ing every Monday morning.
   
 
==Early Life==
 
==Early Life==
[[Image:Moderngrim2.JPG|thumb|A modern-day Grim Reaper poses for photographs. He has really let himself go!]]
+
The Grim Reaper was born in [[1935]] to Harvey and Ludmilla Reaper, a poor [[farm|farming]] [[family]] living in eastern [[Nebraska]]. Harv and Millie, both possessed of a nasty sense of humor, named their child Sheldon. Needless to say, Sheldon Reaper's childhood was troubled. On his eighth birthday at around 3:00 p.m., little Sheldon got off the school bus at his house. He had gotten a gold star in Mrs. Saggybottom's third grade class and couldn't wait to show his parents. But something was wrong. His mother was not in the bathroom obsessively scrubbing the toilet seat, as she usually was. His father was not sprawling in the barcalounger drinking Corn Husker Malt Liquor and watching WWE. "Mommy?" called Sheldon. "Dad?" The words fell dead. No one answered. Suddenly the awful realization hit Sheldon like Moe Glockenwitz's fist when Sheldon was on the swing. Lightning flashed, thunder roared. Rain poured in a neat 16-acre square centered on Sheldon's house. And his precious gold star abruptly burst into flame. Sheldon went up to his room to look out the window and think thoughts of [[death]]. ''Abandoned!'' <br><br>After this traumatic event, little Sheldon had no friends to speak of; this was mostly because of his downcast attitude, but also because no one lives in eastern Nebraska anyway. Sheldon's demeanor soon prompted [[YMCA|the village people]] (both of them) to nickname him 'Grim'. The nickname endured throughout his unhappy and extremely boring childhood. Perhaps the only happy moment of Grim's early life came when Gomer Wilkins, the mayor of Bumpkinville, gave Grim a [[Vulva|certified pre-owned]] harvest scythe for his twentieth birthday. When he unwrapped it, Grim immediately proceeded to slice Mayor Wilkins in half, giving him the dubious distinction of being the first soul ever "reaped." Grim, as the town sheriff, was forced to arrest himself on trumped-up charges of [[assault]], [[murder]], [[looting]], [[arson]], and being far more interesting than is the legal limit in Bumpkinville. The judge threw the book at him and Grim ended up in Aunt Marjorie's Big House for Ne'er-Do-Wells for [[sentence|20 to life]]. During his sentence, Grim had gobs of time to figure out why he had severed the good mayor's intestines from each other. After 5 minutes of intense soul-searching, Grim found where his cellmate was hiding. But Grim also had found something resembling a reason for his murderous actions. Grim either had sliced the good mayor as a manifestation of his "[[psychologist|shadow-side]]" caused by the bottled-up emotional trauma of his orphaning, or (Grim thought this to be more likely) some [[User:Necropaxx|greater power]] had decided to add a [[HTBFANJS|random plot device]] to his life's [[story]], just to screw with him. Grim decided that wasting away in prison was not what he wanted to do with his life. He wanted to escape. So, the next day, when it was gruel time, Grim attempted to make conversation with the prison guard. Grim's highly intelligent mind quickly subdued the [[fool|simpleton]] with false promises of [[pie]], "right under my cot, and if you come inside, I'll let you have some." Once out of incarceration, Grim reclaimed his scythe and several of the black, tattered, hooded robes that he had a penchant for from the lobby, and left for [[college]]. [[Normal|Naturally]].
[[Image:Grimbeanhead.jpg|thumb|The Reaper's skull recently after birth. Note the hideously deformed cranium, caused by his mother ingesting too many beans.|left]]
 
When he was born, the doctor slapped his mama for such an ugly child. This caused the Grim Reaper untold psychological torment causing him to become a murderous scythe-wielding maniac. He recently starred in a movie directed by Rob Zombie, when asked what he thought about it he said, "that was way to scary for me."
 
 
Owing to a with the school database, he was transferred to [[McDonalds|The school of morbidly obese children]]. Here he was mocked for being skinny, and eventually tried to take his own life.
 
During this time, he became the "Grim bleeper" and developed a speech impediment, which left him unable to swear. An example is "You little *BLEEP*"
 
 
He came in with his first scythe during his work experience at school. Instead of going to the city morgue as planned, he was accidentally placed at a farm and forgot about for 7 years.
 
As a child, he won a beauty contest that was judged by the blind, who obviously couldn't see (hahaha). He said on this joyful occasion "this is the best day of my death!" but he didn't know that they were blind, and if he did he probably would have set them on fire. He then proceeded to reap the souls of the audience members.
 
As a teenager, he experimented with drugs and became known as the "Grim reefer". He became a successful drug dealer soon after this and had links all over the world. This was until the police caught him selling it to 5 year olds. He was sentenced to prison where he had much [[anal|fun]] with his cellmates in the shower.
 
He was released from prison after 6 months (he had time off because of good behavior) and became a reformed character. He got a job in the local parish and was so good at delivering souls to God, that he became honorary "pope of the day".
 
When he was 5 millennia old he saw his spawner use a bathrobe and enter her She-spawner and hell broke, he then stole that bathrobe and puked all over it, he has been using it ever since.
 
 
http://members.aol.com/kunoichi133/henry17.gif The young Grim Reaper in his fetal state.
 
 
==Family and Friends==
 
[[image:Rimreaper.JPG|thumb|left|The Grim Reaper's cousin, the Rim Reaper]]
 
 
He is married to [[Raven]], and they have successfully had 7 children, 2 of them being 3 headed dogs and the rest are miniature..... well, hims...
 
 
The majority of friends and family consist of people that have names that rhyme with "grim reaper" or are puns (e.g. his aunt, "Auntie matter"). One of his close and most trusted family dismember, is the Rim Reaper. He is named as such as he lives in the toilet. His uncle, the Dim reaper,, is said to be one of the stupidest and least radiant of the reaper family. His other uncle, the "grim peeper", is said to spy on people while bathing. His mother is actress and singer [[Barbra Streisand]].
 
 
Also, the Grim Reaper's best friend has been reported as being none other than The Sim Speaker. The Sim Speaker is, as of right now, gifted, as he is the '''only''' person/dead thing to be able to understand AND speak the Sims language (hence the name, The Sim Speaker). The Grim Reaper commented on this, saying that occasionally The Sim Speaker would utter seemingly random nonsense, only to find that in the Sims language it meant something derogatory or that made sense.
 
 
His other best friend and idol is non other than the infamous [[Satan]]. Grim has this to say about him.
 
{{Q|Satan is pretty much awesome. He is my hero, and I look up to him for advice. I'm also actually scared of Satan... I mean just look at him! He is evil! With that long red tail, that pitchfork and that reddish glow. He could almost be a model! haha!|Grim reaper|Satan}}
 
 
==Notable accomplishments, Facts and Trivia==
 
The Grim Reaper has been involved in most the deaths of famous people, such as [[Yoda]] and The [[Swedish Chef]].
 
He also won the "WeightWatchers slimmer of the Year Award" in 2003 after weighing a massive 70 pounds!
 
He helped [[Ronald McDonald]] to invent Malaria as a filler in [[Big Mac]]s, but it escaped from a shipping crate on its way to [[Norway]].
 
He killed George Bush in the year 300980243908 ending the reign of the cyborg president.
 
 
[[Image:Grimraper.JPG|thumbnail|The Grim Reaper's less well known, half-brother, The [[Grim Raper]].]]
 
 
He, contrare to unpopular belief, is not death.
 
 
He, contrare to unpopular belief, is not deaf. But he wears a hearing aid because he likes how it looks on him.
 
 
He, contrare to dispopular hexadecimal unbelief, has an alias of Mr. William Gates, also known as Mr Icro Soft, aka Win Dows Vistaservesnopurposeotherthantocompletelyaggravatetheuserintodestroyingalllifeforms.
 
 
He will not kill you if you have no life (such as World of Warcraft players)
 
 
He has bedded [[Your Mom]] on numerous occasions and stole food out of your fridge.
 
 
The Grim Reaper invented the phrase "Dicing with death" while still at school. It was in his cooking class when he and his friend were chopping up a carrot, when he "accidentally" chopped of his friends head. He then remarked "You shouldn't be dicing with death then".
 
He also invented the phrase "Dancing with death" (and has sued Iron Maiden for breaching Patent) while at the prom. He was dancing with his date, when he "accidentally" chopped off her head. He then remarked "You shouldn't be dancing with death then".
 
 
The Grim Reaper hates the undead.
 
 
The Grim Reaper Loves you. He just wants to be your friend. Like George does.
 
 
[[Image:Grimlastsupper.JPG|thumbnail|400px|left|The Grim Reaper removing [[Jesus]] from this plane of existence. Another fine day's work.]]
 
 
==Conundrum Talk==
 
If the Grim Reaper kills all he touches, [[ Catholicism|if he touches himself does he die?]]
 
Some people say yes to this, some say no. The TRUE conundrum is that if the Grim Reaper did kill all that he touches, he would surely have killed himself before now; however, he is still alive, and has touched himself previously, which would mean that he DOES not kill all that he touches. But he insists that he does...
 
In the enlightenment of the above controversy/conundrum, this COULD be considered a paradox.
 
However, no one has ever seen the Grim Reaper touch himself. Some say that he DOES kill himself, but he isn't dead in the first place, and cannot die. These people touch themselves.
 
In that sense he would be related to [[Matt Hardy]], who cannot seem to die.
 
 
[[image:Deathcompare.png|right|thumb|Please note that the version of Death seen in [[Torchwood]] (higher image) is a blatant rip-off the Black Smoke from [[LOST]] (lower image). Let it be known that Death is a plagiarizing jerk.]]
 
 
==Slaying the Grim Reaper==
 
The grim reaper has been killed numerous times during his lifetime. The rule is, that if anyone kills the grim reaper, he will have to assume the tasks of the reaper, according to the [[Laws of Death]]. Below is a list of people who have actually killed the grim reaper.
 
 
* [[Neo]] (Death just happened to be disguised as a Smith at the time)
 
* Those kids on the Final Destination films, boy those sucked. And didn't old Grimmy know it.
 
* [[Granny]]
 
* [[Homer Simpson]]
 
* [[Spartans]]
 
* [[Herman Li]]
 
* [[Oscar Wilde]]
 
* [[Danzig]]
 
* [[Chuck Norris]] (7000 times. Count that...7000.)
 
* [[Bill and Ted]]
 
* [[Jake Hawes]]
 
* [[John Young]]
 
* [[Hulk Hogan]]
 
* All of the backstreet boys, in order of ascending singing talent
 
* [[God Himself, although the grim reaper doesn't know this... Yet!]]
 
* [[The Grim Reaper]]
 
* [[Atahualpa]]
 
* [[Homer Simpson]] (Again)
 
* [[George W. Bush]]
 
* [[Saddam Hussein]]
 
* [[Billy and Mandy]]. Although he never got to kill both of them. He did get killed a lot from them.
 
* [[George W. Bush]]
 
* [[Saddam Hussein]]
 
* [[Donut]]
 
* [[Peter Griffin]]
 
* [[Homer Simpson]], again, and again.deficated his bodyy till it was nice and purple
 
* [[Your mom]], you may not believe but its true man.
 
* [[Mr T]], He pityed that fool
 
* [[The Burger King]]
 
* [[Torchwood|Owen Harper]]
 
* [[John Petrucci]]
 
* [[Hansi Kürsch]]
 
* [[About half of the 31 hundred billion members of Slipknot]]
 
* [[This Guy]]
 
* [[You]] in ten seconds, then Death is pissed off and kills you
 
* Me(you wish you knew who wrote this)
 
* [[Rouge the Bat]], Killed him 10 times before he hit the floor. [[I am not kidding]].
 
* [[Phil Anselmo]] It was rumored the lead singer of [[Pantera]] once beat the shit out of death in a drunken rage. Producers recorded the entire brawl and after adding [[Dimebag]]'s solos to the recordings they where subsequently released in 1990 as the album Cowboys from Hell
 
 
And finally...
 
 
* [[Castlevania|Every single protagonist in Castlevania]] has killed death at least once.
 
 
[[Image:Grim-reaper.jpg|thumb|right|The Grim Reaper harvesting children for his dinner. He says they taste like "chicken".]]
 
 
==A few things to do when you meet Grim==
 
Here are a few things to do when... Oh, for heavens sake. The title explains it. Just read.
 
   
*Check to see if your dreaming. If you are dreaming, you have nothing to fear. If you're not, start fearing.
+
==College Years==
*Check to see if Grim has seen you. If he hasn't, hide behind something. Another thing people like to do is set up sign saying, "He went that way!".
+
Grim went to the University of Nebraska and majored in [[philosophy]]. He tried to do well, he really did. But the endless 40-page assignments on topics such as "''Breast Implants and Examples of Bad Design, What Bad Boob Jobs Tell us about how Evolution Works''" and "''Concerning the Consciousness and Rights of Garden Snails''" slowly but surely crushed Grim's spirit. It also didn't help that no matter how hard he worked at self-improvement, he couldn't seem to find a [[woman]] who would accept him as he was. And somehow, Grim always seemed to alienate others when he was looking for a [[friend]]. Grim fell into a deep depression, convinced that nothing he did would make any difference in his life. He began to take to [[alcohol]] to drown his many sorrows, along with listening to music by [[Sting]] and cutting his wrists now and then. Grim lost his scholarship and fell into tremedous debt. For a year of his life, Grim seriously considered suicide. However, in his quest for an escape from his life, Grim became more and more interested in the subject of death. This new interest gave a spark of hope to his sad existence. He stopped [[emo|cutting his wrists]] and he changed his musical tastes.<ref>He now listens exclusively to [[rap|gangsta rap]].</ref> The alcoholism was the hardest thing to break, but after a lengthy 12-step program Grim was better than ever.
*If he has seen you, you should lay down and accept death. Say something nice to end your life with.
 
* Screw that, you do not greet death, you punch him repeatedly in the throat as he drags you away.
 
*Using Sonic Booms or Hadoukens do not work against Death, it only infuriates him more.
 
*If you don't agree with the last option, run around screaming for a while. This will probably humor the Lord of Death to no end.
 
*Try telling him a joke. He might spare your life. Then again, he's most likely to kill you all the same. Maybe even more painfully.
 
*He may try to trick you into touching him. Do not accept a high-five or handshake, even if he says you have just won a new... Shiny... Lamborghini... Mmm... Lamborghini...
 
*Do NOT start huffing kittens, as this will take up precious fleeing time.
 
*Try to stay calm. Death can smell a drop of sweat from two billion light-years away. He can also lick his elbows--despite not having a tongue.
 
*If you happen to have a Cheese Stick on your person, try and trade it for your freedom. I happen to know Death likes Cheese Sticks.
 
* Finally, if you happen to be [[Chuck Norris]], [[Jack Bauer]], [[Mr. T]] or a [[Grue]], have no fear. Death does not approach these divine beings. If you are not them, fear. Fear like you have never feared before.
 
   
==Theories==
+
==California==
*The Grim Reaper is only grim 364 days a year.
+
[[Image:Costume-grim-reaper-clipart.gif|thumb|150px|left|Despite a formidable portfolio, the Grim Reaper still has trouble finding a second job in the offseason.]]
*On that one day, he grabs a six-pack and watches reruns of Mindy & Mork, despite the clear fact that he despises both of them.
+
A twenty-something Grim was getting increasingly restless in his third year at college. He was still attending the University of Nebraska, and subsequently very bored. He often dreamed of one day moving to that almost mythical land of excitement, [[Hollywood]]. An entry in Grim's journal confirms this. <br>{{cquote|Dear journal, Nebraska is boring. I dream of one day moving to Hollywood. It's legendary for its excitement. However, I have no way to get there, as I have no money.}} Grim's chance to go to the land of his dreams came when a trucker delivering a shipment of silicone breast implants, cup sizes B to EEE, to Hollywood<ref>Cup size A implants don't exist in Hollywood.</ref> passed by the Soy Milk Residence Hall, Grim's dorm, at around 9 p.m. This vaguely interesting fact was of little interest to Grim until it broke down suddenly as it passed him. the somewhat ticked driver got out, propped up the hood and began doing intricate things with a crescent wrench, a [[hammer|mallet]], and a loosely-rolled spliff. Grim walked up and asked where the tuck was headed. "Hollywood," came the gruff reply. To Grim, the gravelly bass voice was the song of an angel. He quickly ran to his dorm and gathered his paltry belongings. He came out the back door and moving ever so stealthily, climbed in the back of the truck. The truck was loaded with boxes labeled only "ACME Plastic Products; Size 'X'." Eventually the driver fixed the engine and Grim was on his way to the land of his dreams. As the truck drove west, Grim grew ever more curious about what was in the boxes. Finally, at a truck stop for the night in Reno, Grim [[pervert|gave in]] to his curiosity. The next morning, the driver opened the back door to make sure his load was still there. What he found was a sleeping goth stowaway nestling on a slightly spongy bed of [[plastic]]. "Hey!" yelled the jealous driver. Grim awoke with a start. "Get out!" And so, two minutes later, Grim saw his California dreams go on without him. But Grim didn't give up hope. He stuck out his thumb and found himself trundling off down the road. And while the ride was not nearly as enjoyable as his previous transportation, Grim was simply glad to be going.<br><br>Once there, Grim tried to get work as an actor. After several slammed doors, Grim finally found an agent, name of [[Italian|Tony Leone]], who saw the light. "Yeah, kid, lissen. Lissen. A nice move you got, OK, and you got the height. At least you're not short like that loser Schwarzenegger. But you're skinny. Like a fish! I can see your bones, kid. Leading men, they gotta show muscle, not bones. You buff up, get some meat on you, you come back and we see what we can do. Oh, and get a face-lift, too. Same problem. Yeesh!" However, Grim's workout plan just didn't pan out. He resigned himself to allowing an animation company to use his likeness in a [[cartoon]]. The show ran for four seasons and received a collective critical "Nobody cares" from film critics. However, like all television shows, Grim soon gained an unwanted cult following of die-hard "Grim-lovers." Grim didn't mind so much as long as they respected the restraining order. In Hollywood, Grim did what everyone else does, which included partying from 9 to 5, getting high, [[Britney Spears|forgetting his clothes]], [[Jamie Lynn Spears|getting pregnant]], and [[Amy Winehouse|going to rehab]]. All things considered, it seemed that Grim's life was going in a pretty much straightforward direction. Or so it seemed.
*The Grim Reaper (Kurosaki Ichigo) lives in [[Japan]].
 
*Is actually from [[Canada]] (That's right bitches!)
 
*Has a son, the Happy Reaper
 
*The Grim reaper is played by a member of the Monty Python team.
 
*His son is called Elvis.
 
*Is obsessed with [[The Carpenters]].
 
*There is a society of [[Kittenolivia|<font color=black>Soul Reapers</font>]] (confused Jr. reapers) that are training to become the next Grim Reaper.
 
*Gets employer matching of 50%, up to 9% on his 401(k)..... which is actually pretty damn good.
 
*Is one of the Spanish Conquistadors, but not many people know about this theory, as the Grim Reaper is constantly undercover and changing names.
 
*Prefers [[cat]]s to [[dog]]s.
 
*Good friends with [[Samurai Lincoln]].
 
*Is actually a pile of half eaten chicken legs.
 
*It is said that he is too afraid to tell [[Gray Fox]] that he died ten years ago. The Grim reaper however says that Fox is still going strong, and won't die for at least another 30 years.
 
*Stands firmly in the "no pickles" camp when it comes to his tuna-salad sandwich.
 
*Isn't Grim, but is actually quite happy about his work.
 
*Is a [[gay|homosexual]]
 
{{Q|NO I'M NOT!|The Grim Reaper}}
 
{{Q|Yes you are!|A gay dude}}
 
{{Q|Haha, okay you found me out, let me just pat your back.|The Grim Reaper|how he kills people with trickery}}
 
{{Q|Congratulations on being nominated for reaper of the year. *shakes reaper's hand with a fake hand*|srn347|deceiving reaper}}
 
*There is currently a rumor that The Grim Reaper was responsible for the death of [[Elvis Presley]]. Many believe that Heaven and Hell were fighting over who got the "King" of rap/nude waiter at their service. According to this rumor, The Grim Reaper decided to take the "King" for himself, and made sure Elvis left the building. And leave he did, into The Grim Reaper's grasp. There is, however, another rumor countering this one, saying the Presley is hiding in California in a sandcastle with Eddie Guerrero and The Grim Reaper, all of them eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches. However, this is widely believe to be untrue, as The Grim Reaper has other jobs to do, such as creating name typos like his own, and Elvis and Eddie have to be "dead".
 
*Fully capable of holding a conversation
 
*Always willing to eat a nice helpful of curry.
 
*If the Grim Reaper found Gray Fox, he would eat his skull because of the fear of a high frequency katana being rammed into his face... lucky bastard.
 
*Is his own mother because of an accident involving a nuclear reactor, several grandfather clocks and a couple of goats.
 
*Is part of a top secret team of grim reapers, operating in sync across the world. They work shifts and after work they all meet up to play poker in a smoky locker room in a backstreet in Bradford (a.k.a. Hell). Before poker they play homo-erotic towel whipping games in the showers. Contrary to popular belief, one does not need to be dead to join the team. However, applicants must have no hearts, souls, eyes or skin, and must be capable of hefting a large bag full of souls. An attraction to kittens is also needed.
 
*The Grim Reaper dislikes [[Black Metal]] because it kills Christians faster than he can.
 
*The Grim Reaper's favorite band is [[DragonForce]], due to the amount of clients they send his way via their suicides resulting from attempting to play along with the music.
 
*The Grim Reapers second favorite band is [[Children Of Bodom]] because they have let him stylishly pose on the front of their album covers, hes still waiting to be payed, but he wont harvest their souls as their so good.
 
*The Grim Reaper speaks all in capital letters, and therefore may be [[User:Benson|Benson]] or one of his sock-puppets.
 
*The Grim Reaper sometimes has a mustache. He shaves it off every 10,000 years.
 
*The Grim Reaper's girlfriend is cheating on him. She's currently going out with Kevorkian.
 
*Favorite Food Is Half-Eaten Chicken Legs.
 
*Death once took up a cookery course and attempted to cook the teacher which ended up with expulsion.
 
*Prior to contrary belief, the grim reaper did not appear on [[family Guy]]. His Brother, The Depressed reaper played his part. Halfway through shooting, The Depressed reaper shot himself. As A result, Stewie Griffen had to take the role quite suddenly, much to the annoyance of his son.
 
*The Grim Reaper has a 12 Inch Penis, But a more "vital" part of it was lost in his fight with [[The Burger King]]. This was later included in the (somewhat controversial) Double Whopper Deal.
 
*The Grim reaper claims to be the happiest undead person alive.
 
*There is a theory that states that the majority of these theoriess are not theories, but are infact made up theories! Pheew.
 
*Inculding the previous theory.
 
*And the previous.
 
*And the previous
 
*And the...
 
   
== The Grim Reaper and You ==
+
==The "Angel o' Death" Gig==
Don't you dare try to stop Death. He always wins. Unless you're one of those lucky people above that managed to slay him, which I wouldn't count on, you weakling, he's gonna get you. When it's your time, (which should be in about 4 minutes,) he will come take you, fill out the appropriate paperwork, and send you on your way to hell. (Or possibly heaven, but don't get your hopes up.)
+
[[Image:Grimlastsupper.JPG|thumbnail|300px|In one embarrasing faux pas, Grim accidentally arrived at the Last Supper instead of on the cross. However, Jesus totally understood and forgave all his sins just to be a great guy.]]
  +
Eventually, the Bureau of All Creatures Mythical, Legendary, and Undead<ref>It really exists. Trust us on this one.</ref> (BACMLU) caught wind of Grim. They thought that he would do good as the next Angel of Death, the previous one having quit over irreconcilable differences with the Bureau's Chairman, the [[Easter Bunny]]. Grim was offered the job, and Grim, having nothing better to do, took it. When he accepted the position, Grim was imbued with super-mystical powers like [[bird|flight]], [[time travel]], and a [[Darth Vader|bone-chilling voice]] that most people would kill for. Grim also received full health coverage, diplomatic immunity, a 401(k) pension plan, and a month's vacation time. Grim loved his job. The pay was good, the benefits were great, and he never got tired of seeing the look on people's faces when they realized their eternal fate was fire and brimstone. Grim got to meet St. Peter ''and'' [[Satan]] in the line of his work, along with countless interesting dead people. The only bad parts of the job to Grim were the long, often round-the-clock hours, and having to escort whiny suicidals to hell.<br><br>Grim was a natural. It seemed he was born for the job. He quickly rose up the ranks of the BACMLU, and even served as Vice Chairman from 1987-1991. While Grim enjoyed his job, it wasn't his dream job. When he was on his vacation month, Grim tried his hand at being a [[Bob Hope|comedian]]. He made his debut performance at the Amateur Comedy Club in Hollywood. Sadly, his performance was a dismal [[EPIC FAIL!|failure]], despite having a very good routine prepared. The unfortunate [[lie|fact]] remained that people simply didn't have the nerve to laugh at Death. His lack of talent in comedy was a blow to Grim's ego, but he eventually recovered. He moved on with his life, earning a sizeable reputation as the Angel of Death that helped to heal his pride.
   
  +
==Later Years and... Death?==
  +
Shortly after the millenium, Grim began to feel the ravages of time on his body. His bones began to creak from age. He sometimes would throw out his back when swinging his scythe too energetically. As time went on (as it often does), Grim's health grew steadily worse. He was diagnosed with bone [[cancer]] in his 80s, which eventually led to his death. Once Grim died his health problems stopped, but he couldn't do anything. The BACMLU reviewed Grim's problem and granted him [[immortality]] for all his years of dedicated service with a smile. Grim was able to resume his work, better than ever. He took up golfing in the years after (he cheats), and remains a permanent bachelor.
   
  +
==See Also==
  +
*[[Death]]
  +
*[[You Are Dead]]
  +
*[[Farming]]
  +
*[[Souls]]
   
  +
==References==
  +
<references/>
   
 
[[Category:Death]]
 
[[Category:Death]]

Revision as of 00:58, September 17, 2008

Necropaxx

The Grim Reaper isn't always grim. This photo was taken when Grim was quite drunk and having the life of his time.

“I'm not always the Grim Reaper. I mean, sometimes I'm the Happy Reaper or the Joyful Reaper, maybe even the Excited Reaper...But, on the job, it's always Grim Reaper time.”
~ The Grim Reaper on being misunderstood
“I will eat your soul!”
~ The Grim Reaper again
“Unless I'm on a diet, then I'll only nibble the corners.”
~ The Grim Reaper once more

The Grim Reaper is widely recognized as the Angel of Death, whose occupation it is to usher the souls of the living into the realm of the dead. He is also a semi-famous screen personality, failed comedian, reformed alcoholic, and goes golfing every Monday morning.

Early Life

The Grim Reaper was born in 1935 to Harvey and Ludmilla Reaper, a poor farming family living in eastern Nebraska. Harv and Millie, both possessed of a nasty sense of humor, named their child Sheldon. Needless to say, Sheldon Reaper's childhood was troubled. On his eighth birthday at around 3:00 p.m., little Sheldon got off the school bus at his house. He had gotten a gold star in Mrs. Saggybottom's third grade class and couldn't wait to show his parents. But something was wrong. His mother was not in the bathroom obsessively scrubbing the toilet seat, as she usually was. His father was not sprawling in the barcalounger drinking Corn Husker Malt Liquor and watching WWE. "Mommy?" called Sheldon. "Dad?" The words fell dead. No one answered. Suddenly the awful realization hit Sheldon like Moe Glockenwitz's fist when Sheldon was on the swing. Lightning flashed, thunder roared. Rain poured in a neat 16-acre square centered on Sheldon's house. And his precious gold star abruptly burst into flame. Sheldon went up to his room to look out the window and think thoughts of death. Abandoned!

After this traumatic event, little Sheldon had no friends to speak of; this was mostly because of his downcast attitude, but also because no one lives in eastern Nebraska anyway. Sheldon's demeanor soon prompted the village people (both of them) to nickname him 'Grim'. The nickname endured throughout his unhappy and extremely boring childhood. Perhaps the only happy moment of Grim's early life came when Gomer Wilkins, the mayor of Bumpkinville, gave Grim a certified pre-owned harvest scythe for his twentieth birthday. When he unwrapped it, Grim immediately proceeded to slice Mayor Wilkins in half, giving him the dubious distinction of being the first soul ever "reaped." Grim, as the town sheriff, was forced to arrest himself on trumped-up charges of assault, murder, looting, arson, and being far more interesting than is the legal limit in Bumpkinville. The judge threw the book at him and Grim ended up in Aunt Marjorie's Big House for Ne'er-Do-Wells for 20 to life. During his sentence, Grim had gobs of time to figure out why he had severed the good mayor's intestines from each other. After 5 minutes of intense soul-searching, Grim found where his cellmate was hiding. But Grim also had found something resembling a reason for his murderous actions. Grim either had sliced the good mayor as a manifestation of his "shadow-side" caused by the bottled-up emotional trauma of his orphaning, or (Grim thought this to be more likely) some greater power had decided to add a random plot device to his life's story, just to screw with him. Grim decided that wasting away in prison was not what he wanted to do with his life. He wanted to escape. So, the next day, when it was gruel time, Grim attempted to make conversation with the prison guard. Grim's highly intelligent mind quickly subdued the simpleton with false promises of pie, "right under my cot, and if you come inside, I'll let you have some." Once out of incarceration, Grim reclaimed his scythe and several of the black, tattered, hooded robes that he had a penchant for from the lobby, and left for college. Naturally.

College Years

Grim went to the University of Nebraska and majored in philosophy. He tried to do well, he really did. But the endless 40-page assignments on topics such as "Breast Implants and Examples of Bad Design, What Bad Boob Jobs Tell us about how Evolution Works" and "Concerning the Consciousness and Rights of Garden Snails" slowly but surely crushed Grim's spirit. It also didn't help that no matter how hard he worked at self-improvement, he couldn't seem to find a woman who would accept him as he was. And somehow, Grim always seemed to alienate others when he was looking for a friend. Grim fell into a deep depression, convinced that nothing he did would make any difference in his life. He began to take to alcohol to drown his many sorrows, along with listening to music by Sting and cutting his wrists now and then. Grim lost his scholarship and fell into tremedous debt. For a year of his life, Grim seriously considered suicide. However, in his quest for an escape from his life, Grim became more and more interested in the subject of death. This new interest gave a spark of hope to his sad existence. He stopped cutting his wrists and he changed his musical tastes.[1] The alcoholism was the hardest thing to break, but after a lengthy 12-step program Grim was better than ever.

California

Costume-grim-reaper-clipart

Despite a formidable portfolio, the Grim Reaper still has trouble finding a second job in the offseason.

A twenty-something Grim was getting increasingly restless in his third year at college. He was still attending the University of Nebraska, and subsequently very bored. He often dreamed of one day moving to that almost mythical land of excitement, Hollywood. An entry in Grim's journal confirms this.

Cquote1 Dear journal, Nebraska is boring. I dream of one day moving to Hollywood. It's legendary for its excitement. However, I have no way to get there, as I have no money. Cquote2
Grim's chance to go to the land of his dreams came when a trucker delivering a shipment of silicone breast implants, cup sizes B to EEE, to Hollywood[2] passed by the Soy Milk Residence Hall, Grim's dorm, at around 9 p.m. This vaguely interesting fact was of little interest to Grim until it broke down suddenly as it passed him. the somewhat ticked driver got out, propped up the hood and began doing intricate things with a crescent wrench, a mallet, and a loosely-rolled spliff. Grim walked up and asked where the tuck was headed. "Hollywood," came the gruff reply. To Grim, the gravelly bass voice was the song of an angel. He quickly ran to his dorm and gathered his paltry belongings. He came out the back door and moving ever so stealthily, climbed in the back of the truck. The truck was loaded with boxes labeled only "ACME Plastic Products; Size 'X'." Eventually the driver fixed the engine and Grim was on his way to the land of his dreams. As the truck drove west, Grim grew ever more curious about what was in the boxes. Finally, at a truck stop for the night in Reno, Grim gave in to his curiosity. The next morning, the driver opened the back door to make sure his load was still there. What he found was a sleeping goth stowaway nestling on a slightly spongy bed of plastic. "Hey!" yelled the jealous driver. Grim awoke with a start. "Get out!" And so, two minutes later, Grim saw his California dreams go on without him. But Grim didn't give up hope. He stuck out his thumb and found himself trundling off down the road. And while the ride was not nearly as enjoyable as his previous transportation, Grim was simply glad to be going.

Once there, Grim tried to get work as an actor. After several slammed doors, Grim finally found an agent, name of Tony Leone, who saw the light. "Yeah, kid, lissen. Lissen. A nice move you got, OK, and you got the height. At least you're not short like that loser Schwarzenegger. But you're skinny. Like a fish! I can see your bones, kid. Leading men, they gotta show muscle, not bones. You buff up, get some meat on you, you come back and we see what we can do. Oh, and get a face-lift, too. Same problem. Yeesh!" However, Grim's workout plan just didn't pan out. He resigned himself to allowing an animation company to use his likeness in a cartoon. The show ran for four seasons and received a collective critical "Nobody cares" from film critics. However, like all television shows, Grim soon gained an unwanted cult following of die-hard "Grim-lovers." Grim didn't mind so much as long as they respected the restraining order. In Hollywood, Grim did what everyone else does, which included partying from 9 to 5, getting high, forgetting his clothes, getting pregnant, and going to rehab. All things considered, it seemed that Grim's life was going in a pretty much straightforward direction. Or so it seemed.

The "Angel o' Death" Gig

Grimlastsupper

In one embarrasing faux pas, Grim accidentally arrived at the Last Supper instead of on the cross. However, Jesus totally understood and forgave all his sins just to be a great guy.

Eventually, the Bureau of All Creatures Mythical, Legendary, and Undead[3] (BACMLU) caught wind of Grim. They thought that he would do good as the next Angel of Death, the previous one having quit over irreconcilable differences with the Bureau's Chairman, the Easter Bunny. Grim was offered the job, and Grim, having nothing better to do, took it. When he accepted the position, Grim was imbued with super-mystical powers like flight, time travel, and a bone-chilling voice that most people would kill for. Grim also received full health coverage, diplomatic immunity, a 401(k) pension plan, and a month's vacation time. Grim loved his job. The pay was good, the benefits were great, and he never got tired of seeing the look on people's faces when they realized their eternal fate was fire and brimstone. Grim got to meet St. Peter and Satan in the line of his work, along with countless interesting dead people. The only bad parts of the job to Grim were the long, often round-the-clock hours, and having to escort whiny suicidals to hell.

Grim was a natural. It seemed he was born for the job. He quickly rose up the ranks of the BACMLU, and even served as Vice Chairman from 1987-1991. While Grim enjoyed his job, it wasn't his dream job. When he was on his vacation month, Grim tried his hand at being a comedian. He made his debut performance at the Amateur Comedy Club in Hollywood. Sadly, his performance was a dismal failure, despite having a very good routine prepared. The unfortunate fact remained that people simply didn't have the nerve to laugh at Death. His lack of talent in comedy was a blow to Grim's ego, but he eventually recovered. He moved on with his life, earning a sizeable reputation as the Angel of Death that helped to heal his pride.

Later Years and... Death?

Shortly after the millenium, Grim began to feel the ravages of time on his body. His bones began to creak from age. He sometimes would throw out his back when swinging his scythe too energetically. As time went on (as it often does), Grim's health grew steadily worse. He was diagnosed with bone cancer in his 80s, which eventually led to his death. Once Grim died his health problems stopped, but he couldn't do anything. The BACMLU reviewed Grim's problem and granted him immortality for all his years of dedicated service with a smile. Grim was able to resume his work, better than ever. He took up golfing in the years after (he cheats), and remains a permanent bachelor.

See Also

References

  1. He now listens exclusively to gangsta rap.
  2. Cup size A implants don't exist in Hollywood.
  3. It really exists. Trust us on this one.
Personal tools
projects