From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Henry Bartholomew Grievous III.

Grievous is a cyborg who is also a former actor. Many people refer to him as General Grievous, but he has constantly told them he is not a general, that was just an acting role (but nobody listens to him). Despite many people calling him Grievous, he has revealed that Grievous is only his last name. His real name is Henry Bartholomew Grievous III, a name that has been passed down through his family for generations — at least it was until Grievous's homeplanet, Kaleesh, was destroyed.

edit The Really Bad Day

Grievous was born on Kaleesh, a planet where lizards evolved into homosapien-like creatures. This large and exotic planet had a regenerative core of gasoline, and was largely peaceful and free of war due to this large gas surplus. The planet was able to draw this gasoline from the core thanks to its gigantic gasoline company that had a large generator that was directly connected with the core of the planet. This giant generator drew ten thousand gallons of gasoline from the core of the planet a day, then the core would regenerate that gasoline so it could be drawn again the following day; Grievous was the janitor of this colossal company.

Grievous was the oldest of his siblings; his family was rich and owned their own oil monopoly. However, Grievous was also the underdog of the family, always out having parties and only being a "C-" student. The results of his actions led him to becoming a janitor while everyone else in his family had their own powerful company. Grievous was a real slacker of a janitor, as he was usually sleeping on the job and was a hard core smoker. Grievous's entire life changed on that faithful night so many years ago at an unspecified time. Grievous was actually doing his job for once and was mopping near the generator. It was a holiday and so the company closed early and the generator still had a few gallons of gasoline stored within it. Grievous had just finished mopping and pulled out a cigarette. He then lit it with a match and threw the match away. However the match hit the generator which still had gasoline. The gasoline lit on fire and the generator exploded, which then caused the core it was connected with to explode as well. Grievous and his entire planet was incinerated in the massive explosion, officially making it the worst day in the history of Unpronounceable Planet.

edit Reborn as a Piece of Junk

Grievous spent the next few months in a coma, paying for his stupidity that destroyed his whole planet. However, he was dragged out of his personal Hell when a couple of scientists brought him back to life. When Grievous awoke, he found that every part of his body was itchy and every time he scratched, he made this really irritating squeaking noise. Grievous then looked in a mirror and let out a super-sonic girly scream when he discovered the truth, he was... a walking toaster. Grievous then asked the scientist what happened and they told him what was going on. They told him that they were scientists from the planet Muunilinst, that had recovered his eyes, heart, internal organs, and brain (the only parts of his body that were still in one piece). They decided to use these components in their experiment to create an army of walking toasters (or advance robotic warriors) from living creatures. These warriors would give them the power they needed to win their war against the Galactic Republic that somehow oppressed them, and completely demolish it into the ground. Grievous was so depressed and upset that he ran to a local bar to drown his sorrows in Jawa juice, only to discover that he didn't have a movable mouth. He then broke down in tears, until he discovered that his new body did not produce organic fluids. Needless to say, everything in his life now officially sucked.

Grievous eventually returned to the scientists since he had no where else to go. For a couple weeks, Grievous was depressed and would not come out of his room. But eventually he returned to his old self, by sleeping a lot and watching constant soap operas. Eventually his room started to smell and the scientists dragged him out, leaving deep and permanent marks in the floor. At first Grievous did not respond well to them, but he started to open up to them and learned all about science. He learned all about technology and chemicals, he even discovered why gasoline explodes when you throw a match on it. Grievous soon accepted the scientists as thought they were his own family, and even at times refereed to the head scientist as "Daddy."

edit Travel Trouble and Acting Career


Grievous's debut on Saturday Night Live.

After watching soap operas for years, Grievous decided that he wanted to be an actor and break away from science. Grievous then heard about a place called Hollywood located on the planet known as earth. Grievous said goodbye to the scientists that raised him and boarded a craft to earth. Upon arrival to Hollywood, Grievous was immediately showered with fear and panic as everyone kept about fifty feet from him. There were even some people who brought rifles and pitchforks that chased him into the woods. Grievous tried for many months to sneak into Hollywood, but every time he tried, the innocents ran in terror and the guards opened fire. Eventually, the warriors managed to shoot Grievous and brought him into a strange government building. He was then brought before a group of people that questioned him about why he was here. He then learned why everyone treated him this way... he was an illegal immigrant.

Grievous spent the next few years filling out paper work and doing all kinds of stuff to become a "legal" immigrant. Finally he finished it all and was able to officially move to America, though he had to take up residence in Wyoming because he couldn't afford live in Hollywood right away. Finally, after years of saving (and partially stealing) money, Grievous was finally able to move to Hollywood.

Grievous was so happy to finally be in Hollywood, his fifty years of hard labor and suffering were finally going to pay off and he was going to be a big star. Grievous started up his career by making his debut on Saturday Night Live. However, his performance was met with negative response due to the squeaky machine sounds he made whenever he moved. Grievous was kicked off the show after one episode. Grievous then tried acting on soap operas, but unfortunately his odd appearance caused audiences to laugh at all the shows he worked on and he was kicked off a large amount of soap operas. Eventually, Grievous found success acting as a prop for a variety of Sci Fi films. Needless to say, he was very upset with his new career.

edit Star Wars


A nude Grievous desperately trying to escape from some fans at Comic Con.

Eventually, Grievous found success when he was approached by cartoonist, Genndy Tartakovsky, who was working on 2003 cartoon series based off of the legendary franchise known to many as Star Wars. Genndy asked Grievous if he was interested in doing a voice acting role, to which Grievous accepted the offer. Genndy actually liked Grievous's horrifying appearence that he actually made him the character and even made him the General of the enemy forces. The Grievous in the cartoon show was a merciless and athletic fighter who killed five Jedi at once, while doing all kinds of Spider-Man like stunts. Grievous voiced his character using a cold assassin like voice and instantly became a breakout hit.

Soon Grievous was known all around, his character was well received by Star Wars fans, becoming one of the most popular villains in all of Star Wars. He was also well received with the public and Grievous himself received an award for his performance in the show. Soon Grievous started voice acting for other T.V. shows and received even more praise. Fans and critics watched every show that Grievous ever had a part in, even if a number of them were truly horrible. But no one cared, as long as Grievous was voicing in it they were happy. Grievous became such a success that he even became a regular at Comic Con. But he stopped attending when some major fans stripped him of his clothes during one convention, so that they could smell his "enchanted" oil like body odor. Some other fans wanted to take him apart and keep some of his pieces as a souvenirs that they could treasure forever. Grievous barely escaped with his life on that faithful day. All these events told Grievous that he was now finally the famous actor that he had always wanted to be.

edit Problems with Lucas


Outraged about all he did, Grievous paid a professional to freeze George Lucas in Carbonite, so he could hang him on his wall and moon him when he was bored. But this still didn't make life better for Grievous.

Grievous however made a fatal mistake when he took up an offer with... George Lucas. Lucas was impressed with Grievous's performance in the cartoon show, and asked him to portray his character in a live action role in the final Star Wars movie. Grievous accepted the offer, which was a major mistake on his behalf. Lucas promised Grievous that he would give him a huge role and even dedicated much of the cigarette advertisements to him. However despite all the promises, Grievous was only in a handful of scenes and played no particular role in the movie. To make matters even worse, the aged Lucas started to get creative and decided to make some changes to Grievous's character. Lucas decided to do away with all the athletic stunts that Grievous was famous for and instead make the his character a simple ground based fighter with an awkward fighting styled character. Lucas also decided to do away with the cold assassin voice that had made Grievous famous and instead had all of his lines voiced by a simple sound editor doing a Russian accent instead of a professional actor. Lucas also decided to do even more damage to Grievous by making him cough and wheeze, believing that it made him a truly unique evil asthmatic. By the time the movie was done, Grievous's entire character was pretty much damaged beyond recognition, just a few sleek hand drawn fragments inside a stiff CGI shell.

When he saw the movie, Grievous was disgusted with what Lucas had done to him. Making matters worse, because of his poorly done character, many fans started to despise Grievous and never looked at him the same way again. Grievous promised that he would never do another acting job with Lucas again. However, Grievous didn't realize in time that you never refuse George Lucas, or you will pay for it with your life. Outraged that an actor actually quit working for him, Lucas created a new animated series featuring a CGI Grievous. Lucas put all his effort into insulting Grievous by having this CGI Grievous contain all the flaws he had in the movie, and making him fail against all of his foes including Gungans and a Padawan. It wasn't long before Lucas's take on Grievous caused the cyborg's entire acting career to finally crumble beneath his feet.

edit Hope Comes to a Failure

Grievous was going through a mid life crisis, with his career destroyed and his money running out, he had no reason to live anymore. He made an attempt to hang himself, but his heavy metal broke the rope and he fell through five floors of his apartment building. His neighbors then kicked him out of the apartment building and he wondered on the streets. Life was hard, especially since he lived in an area with lots of rain. Then one night he wondered into a nearby church and begged for help, then the whole room filled with light. At first Grievous thought that his rusty armor had finally killed him and he was going through the portal to Heaven. He then thanked the lord for this moment, but he soon discovered that this was not the case. It was 9:00 on a Sunday morning and the church ceremony was beginning. Grievous then left.

edit Personality and traits

Grievous also had a life outside of the war that he greatly enjoyed. He was usually out helping with the Separatist community and even opened a special class for Neimoidian children explaining why you should never let your guard down when facing black Jedi Masters. He also dedicated money to various charities and helped out at local school communities, and periodically helped Nute Gunray and Count Dooku out with their Separatist propaganda documentaries. Grievous also helped out his neighborhood by driving children to school when their mothers are too busy.

When he was not helping with the community or crushing Republic worlds, Grievous liked to watch soap operas and Jeopardy!; he also went bowling every other Tuesday night with Dooku and his other friends (they are currently trying to make it into a national bowling tournament, though they have yet to achieve this goal). Grievous was constantly attempting to restart his relationship with high school sweetheart and ex-girlfriend, Jedi Master Shaak Ti, but to no avail. Later, during the Battle of Coruscant, Grievous trussed Ti into a stun-net of cables, as revenge for her dumping him in favor of fellow Jedi Master Ki-Adi-Mundi while they were in high school.

edit See Also

Personal tools