From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- You may be looking for House M.D. and not even know it!
In not really 2008 U.S. President-elect B. Hussein Osama offered him a post of Secretary of Health and Human Services, which House turned down, officially because as a Doctor he is supposed to heal people, not kill them, but unofficially he just did not wanted to wear a clean jacket, as cabinet members are required to look presentably professional looking to the public.
House once treated a young loser called George W. Bush, saving his life, but did not manage to save his brain from years of kitten huffing. Thus, he should be put on trial and be sent to jail for letting future Bush war crimes happen. House, however, never regretted this. I saved the lives of many assholes whose suffering amused me with it's rarity - he said coldly.
In 1999, now living in America, he adopted a talking mouse named Stuart, which he raised as his son until 2002, when he disappeared. He felt remorse as prior to this Gregory House and a certain Mr Arthur Weasley were both arrested for stealing dalmation puppies and illegally selling them to be skinned.
He reappeared in 2004, having somehow earned a medical degree and a new accent, and found a job at the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He now goes around a haunted hospital solving mysteries every week on FOX with the help of a slut, a whore, a black guy, an idiot, a Jew and his magical pimp cane
House frequently shows his cunning and biting wit, enjoys picking people apart - literally. He regularly barges into operating theaters to interfere with whatever surgery is taking place, surprising the surgeon with loud noises like balloons popping and blowhorns.
He believes himself capable of accurately deciphering people's motives and histories from aspects of their personality and appearance and refuses to listen when proved wrong. Dr. James Wilson once stated that while "some doctors have the messiah complex — they need to save the world", House has a Rubik's cube, that has often been successfully employed to keep him distracted while the real doctors work.
House typically waits as long as possible before meeting his patients. When he encounters his patients, House shows an unorthodox bedside manner and uses unconventional treatments, such as yelling at them to "stop being sick all the damn time" and demanding that they stop faking and get up. However, he impresses them with rapid and unintelligible diagnoses which sound very impressive, despite meaning absolutely nothing.
His crankiness is commonly attributed to the chronic pain in his leg. This is a lie told to justify his carrying a cane (or "whacking stick"), which he uses to beat people (or "whack off"). Those who knew him before his supposed injury know the truth - that he has always enjoyed beating people with sticks - but are too afraid to say so where he might hear.
He is a staunch atheist and openly mocks colleagues or patients who express any level of belief in any aspect of religion, although to his only friend and son, Dr James Wilson, he is in fact a praticing Wiccan, although admits he's only doing it to sleep with the tree huggers when prostitutes raise their costs. What he does believe in is that it's never lupus.
House frequently says "Everybody lies" and to prove this he often promises not to hit people with his cane - a promise he, of course, cannot keep. However, he is the only person who lies, because "Everybody lies" is a lie.
Many believe that House refuses to wear a lab coat so as not to be recognized as a doctor. The truth is that no one will let him wear one, fearful of what he might say to patients and that they might realize him to be qualified and actually take his medical advice.
House has a small social life and his only friend is Dr. James Wilson (see above), who doesn't mind the beatings, due to his clinical masochism in befriending House. Most people however just assume they are having sex.