Gregorian chant

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Gregorian chant.

Gregorian Chant is a style of monotone droning generally accompanied by the sound of heavy books making contact with bones. It has lately been popularised by bands such as Monkwish, and notorious gangsta chanter 2chant4u, both of whom have managed to pass it off as actual music to the public. The style was developed by and named after a dissatisfied hypnotist after joining the Clergy of the Catholic Church. Said hypnotist’s name was Gregoria, and his methods of hypnotism were mistaken to be a misguided attempt at piety through simplicity.

edit History

edit Cultural influences

Among the priesthood at the time, Gregorian chanting spread like wildfire as monks and nuns flocked from the far corners of the earth to attend concerts. It soon became a popular practice to carry massive gold-plated bibles on chains around the neck, a style which is imitated by modern rappers. It was not uncommon for a band of chanters to have a dedicated following of clergymen and women known as a “cloister of groupies,” who would support the band through such controversial methods as dispensing of their habits during performances, or offering to bear the chanter’s children. The conservative secular society frowned upon the shameless culture that was developing under the name of chanting, and it wasn’t until the advent of the air guitar that this phenomenon took its current place in the mainstream.

edit 1st Wave, fase 1

The truth is that Gregorian Chanting was first invented in the year 999 and a half. It was invented again in the year 1000 and in 1500 it was invented for the third time. The 1st wave of Gregorian Chanting can be specifically placed in the period "999-1555". This fact is backed by a multitude of empirical evidence, consisting for 73% of random objects found in a small village of half-humans in Quebec. Many fans consider the 1st wave of Gregorian Chanting to be the best, commonly referring to it as "das fundamentum". The 1st wave of chanting went through many fases in it's 556 year period of glory. The first fase is widely merited as the base of all Gregorian Chanting, foremost for planting the common perception of what true Gregorian Chanting is. In the first fase the Gregorian Chanting scene was mainly an underground scene, with over 4678748846 Chanting groups, of which a peculiar 34.64387364785 % concentrated in Iceland. The first fase lasted until the year 1111,5678. Traditionally, the style of the first waves is called among others: Old Skool Gregorian, Pure Gregorian, Hardcore Traditional Gregorian, Fundamentumenal Gregorian, Ol' Gregorian and Base Underground Gregorian.

edit 1st Wave, 1111,5678

Ah, 1111,5678. Many smiles can be found on the faces of true Gregorian Chanintg fans at the mention of that grand year. 1111,5678 was the year Gregorian Chanting hit the mainstream, and it hit hard, without remorse, and with a vengence, and it ROCKED!! It all started with the Chant Group: "Deii Pliusos In Infernitates Pluto" (Gods, ?????, Above, Hell, Devil)(Also known as DPIMP). The group was first discovered by Pope Ahbdessamed Hussar Carrot Funnybones the MDCXVII'th at a Scottish hardcore-to-the-core-underground game of good ol' tag. The pope loved DPIMP and made Gregorian Chanting the official music of the church. And that's how Gregorian Chanting hit the mainstream. Those were the glory days. The Chanting sound remained relatively stable until the third crusade. Then Gregorian Chanting split into around 375 genre's and around 78944 subgenre's. Each genre had it's own distinct sound that was completely unique and wasn't influenced by other Chanting groups. The mainstream period lasted to around 1388. Popular genre's of the second fase were: Pop Gregorian, New Age Gregorian, Post-Hardcore Gregorian, Freestyle Gregorian, Softcore Gregorian, Goth Gregorian (especially in France), Alternative Gregorian and Commercial Gregorian.

edit 1stw Wave, fase 3

After 1388 Gregorian Chanting experienced a sudden drop in popularity, this has been widely blamed on the Chinese for no specific reason, however there are over 5000 written testemonies blaiming the Chinese, therefore it must be true. Anyhow, the sudden loss of interest meant the end of the Commercial Gregorian Chanting Industry. All major organisations had no choice but to immigrate to the north of Germany, taking invaluable industry information with them. With the fall of the major labels, Indie Gregorian Chant no longer existed, and Punk Gregorian lost their favorite reason to bitch. This resulted in a massive loss of reputation for Gregorian groups that considered themselves "anti-establishment". In a final act of desperation, nearly 65% of all Chanting groups shifted to a new style called "Post-Hardcore Traditional Conservative Old-Skool Pop Emotional Gregorian Chant." As was predicted by the prophet Nostradamus, the genre was a complete failure, and all followers were excommunicated (Later on, these followers would be known as Communists). The rest of the Gregorian Scene fled back to it's roots, the Underground Conservative Gregorian Chanting scene. And so ends the 1st Wave of Gregorian Chanting, on March the 6th, 1555.

edit 2nd Wave, and connections to Rock

In 1556, Gregorian Chanting had changed. The scene was different, it was fresh, it was like a new beginning, a dawn of hope. Gregorian Chanting started progressing, the absurd amount of genre's and subgenre's had been reduced to around 25 main genre's. All of which were underground. The underground scene enjoyed a loyal following, yet Gregorian Chanting was extremely unpopular to the mainstream. So often times true fans led a double life; In the morning they were hard working farmers, at night they would gregorize to the underground chant. (Gregorizing was a popular dancing style that originated around 1559 in Liechtenstein, it is said to have been the most awesome dance-style ever, and is widely agreed to be the mother of all modern-day popular dance stylesh such as Jumpstyle, Shuffling, C-Walking, Hakken, Hardcore dancing and Skanking).

The underground scene continued to progress, and in 1750 there could truly be spoken of post-post-traditonal-oldskool-conservative Gregorian Chant. (No just kidding, it still sounded pretty much the same). An interesting fact is that most genre's that would nowadays be applied to rock, originated in the 2nd Wave underground Gregorian scene. There was progressive Gregorian before progressive rock, there was Punk Gregorian before Punk, there was Indie Gregorian before Indie rock, hell, there was even Psychedelic Gregorian before Psychedelic Rock such as the Dandy Warhols. Scholars agree that basically all Rock is based upon Gregorian Chanting, and that around 78% of all band-names are a ripp-off of underground Chanting groups. For example: Green Day (Gregorian Day), U2 (U-Gregorian), The Beatles (The Gregorian Beatles), Fall Out Boy (Fall Out Gregorian), Blink-182 (Gregorian-182) and The Rolling Stones (The Gregorian Stones/The Rolling Gregorians). All other band names just simply sound stupid. Basically, Gregorian Chanting is the base upon which all modern Rock rests.

edit 2nd Wave, and connections to RnB, Rap, HipHop and Spanish Yodelling in the ghetto's of Barcelona

Basically, RnB, Rap, HipHop and Spanish Yodelling in the ghetto's of Barcelona originated in the underground Gregorian scene. However, an interesting fact is that no such scene existed untill, you guessed it, 1789,995567. That's right, the underground HipHop Gregorian scene originated in the United States of America. Sadly, the underground scene remained excruciatngly unpopular, even in America. Around 1800 the underground still consisted of only 696 groups. In 1801 the scene suddenly stopped to exist, but the rap-lyrics remained written on ancient parchments spread throughout the USA, waiting to be rediscovered. So, basically Gregorian Chanting is responsible for modern-day RnB, Rap, HipHop and Spanish Yodelling in the ghetto's of Barcelona.

edit 2nd Wave, and connections to electronic music

Nothing. That's right, Gregorian Chanting of the 2nd Wave and electronic music have absolutely NOTHING to do with eachother. This is a fact commonly used by scholors in heated debates about music styles. The current prevailing theory is that there are basically two types of music; That which has roots in the underground Gregorian scene, or that which is wrong and filthy.

edit Chanting and Disease

edit Background

Chanting has been associated with the spread of all types of communicable diseases. A communicable disease is any bacterial, viral, or parasitic infection in the body that can be spread from one individual to another; chanting apparently combines all of these components together in a trifecta of virulence. Common ailments, such as colds, chicken pox, diarrhea, ring worm/head lice, meningitis, hepatitis, and HIV/AIDS, have been caused or known to spread by various Gregorian chants. These diseases are know to be life threatening if the chanting is not violently stopped within 8 hours of infection.

edit Transmission

Diseases are typically spread by germs and are transmitted by:

  • the air
  • urine and feces
  • blood/saliva
  • drainage, such as nasal mucus or pus from open sores

Several scientific studies have proven the link between chanting and all known forms of disease transmission.[original research?]

edit New Wave Gregorian Chant

In 5000 BC, new wave Gregorian Chant became popular in the charts. "MC Monky-monk" is a good example of a popular New Wave Artist. Sadly, he died because his brain exploded.

edit Precautions

The precautions necessary to prevent the spread of one disease through chanting are the same for another, regardless of whether the disease is life-threatening. The single most important ways to prevent infection is by frequent hand washing and the use of cleansing fire. Since chanting is oddly infectious it is recommended to keep flares and lighter fluid available and ready at all times. Anything that is touched by a chanter should be vigorously scrubbed with disinfecting soap, submerged in bleach for at least 30 seconds, doused with lighter fluid and burned.

edit Further Precautions

Additionally, since chanting is transmitted through the air in the form of sound waves, several members of each locality or town should be appointed to created auditory disturbances. These people should walk throughout the localities, screaming as they go. As their jobs are arduous they should be treated with respect by all townsmembers.

As an additional precaution, once chanters have started in a locality, the local council should elect several local youths to spray paint the chanters and generally desecrate their belongings. This will alert townsmembers to the disease bearing threat. The unfortunate counsequence of this will be that the elected youths will have to undergo the cleansing treatment mentioned above.

edit Where it stands

In modern years, the popularity of Gregorian Chanting has been somewhat erratic. Recently, there has been a severe drop in Chant album sales as many are turned off by the resemblance the music holds to the sounds employers make when a deadline has not been met.

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