Greggs

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Greggs Ltd
Greggs logo
Slogan "Providing Shit To Scum"
Established 1939
Type(s) Bakery
Founder(s) John Gregg
Location(s) Crap towns, council estates and other shit tips
Industry Food
Employees 19,000
Produces Sandwiches, pasties, pies and pastries
Revenue £658.2 million (2009)

Greggs is a British bakery chain with over 1,400 outlets mainly located in the North of England, Scotland and Wales. The company deliberately locates its stores in deprived areas and has the motto "Providing Shit To Scum".

History

Greggs was founded by John Gregg as a Tyneside bakery in 1939. It opened its first shop in Gosforth, Newcastle upon Tyne in 1951 which was a good place to begin as it was a poor working class city at the time, inhabited by one of the thickest breeds of Englishmen, the Geordies.

Since its humble beginnings Greggs has expanded its operations to over 1,400 stores in shit towns and crummy council estates all over the UK, its heartland is still the North-East, but it also has a strong presence in Yorkshire, Scotland, Wales and the Midlands. It now spreads over the country like rot on an animal carcass, bringing lines of pregnant 16 year olds and benefit cheats in its wake.

Company strategy

The company strategy is based on 3 simple premises.

  1. Shit food is cheap to make.
  2. Only thick people would eat shit food.
  3. Poor people are often thick.

The logical conclusion is a company that mass produces cheap shit food to be sold in outlets located in poor neighbourhoods.

Ethical sourcing

All ingredients used by Greggs are ethically sourced. The main source of Greggs ingredients being organic food waste (swill) that was previously fed to pigs, until the British government banned its use as animal feed because of its role in the spread of foot and mouth disease during the 2001 outbreak. If Greggs had not stepped in to use the organic food waste in it's produce it would have gone into landfill causing greenhouse gas emissions.

In 2011 it emerged that Greggs became the first food retailer to embrace using recycled motor oil in their production methods. This came after a sharp rise in the price of cooking oil, which would have affected the company's ethos of producing cheap food. This was met with uproar, but the businesses pledge to slash the price of a sausage roll by 1p managed to end several riots.

Nutrition

Fattystats

A typical Greggs customer.

The only known "nutrition" in Greggs produce is saturated fat, salt and sugar. That is why the thick scum that eat Greggs "food" are such lard arses.

House price effects

Oh no not a Greggs

The thing the English middle classes fear the most; a new Greggs in their neighbourhood.

Middle class people in England are obsessed with the value of their houses, they never tire of waffling on about it. The worst thing that these people can possibly conceive is a new Greggs store opening in their area, meaning that their neighbourhood is officially inhabited by poor people, reducing the value of their houses by tens of thousands of pounds.

Further expansion

The economic and social devastation caused by the credit crunch has dumped millions more British people into severe poverty, and wherever there are poor people there is a Greggs. Therefore in 2009 the company announced the creation of another 600 outlets in newly poor areas.

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