Greenwich Mean Time War

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This information has been presented in several previous formats, including a species of beetle, an annexation of New Mexico, a 12" LP and Jesus. The current revision is provided from the best available resources, matured in oak casks and left to condition for seven years.

The Greenwich Mean Time War war was huffed in 1964(3 s.f.) for reasons unbeknownst to the present hive-mind of mad scientist frogs historical masters of fact.

The Greenwich Mean Time War shares much in common with the Cold War, except that it was two sides being mean to each other instead of being frigid. It has been established through science that the temperature wasn't chilly, except for the evenings due to the effects of refridgeration. Russia was not involved due to not being invited on account of its malodour and it being too cool for the thermal constraints of the conflict. It was further feared that the hammers and sickles were too close to real weapons and might hurt someone. It did not feature Communist Witch Hunts or Witch Communist Hunts, but did consist of three 20-minute periods with quarter-hour intervals, cheerleaders and disabled access.

UnitedKingdom This Article Premotes Jihad against the dessicration of our language (aka:american-english) Join us and help rid the world of these (wild) western devils!
Translation: This Article promotes the correct use of both British and American English via the use of the shock tactic in the heading. Please, prevent horrendous linguistic mistakes such as this: Wear a condom.
Tardis

A British Time Machine, photographed in 1930 trying to establish legislation to paint double yellow lines earlier in order to get more money for the Police.

Bill and Ted

An American Time Machine, after a tragic accident with a toaster that deprived it of depth for evermore. A lawsuit is pending following the lack of instructions for uses of toasters with time machines, but critics believe the case will fall flat.


edit A Brief Outline

Due to the fact it was a time war no one knows when it started, if it has ended, the body count, the Gieger count or whether kitten huffing counts as a doping offence. It is therefore safe to assume it may resume at any minute, so precautions should be taken:

  • Santa Claus imposters have claimed economic damage by dropping psuedopresents of socks and Physics books in order to backrupt retailers in December due to dissuaded consumers; as a consequence, Place barbed wire over your chimney to prevent this.
  • Time Machines can only land on flat spaces. As such, avoid cheap garden makeovers. Alan Titchmarsh and his younger brother Arcashman Al-Tit were executed in 1964(3 s.f.) for high-treason in allowing American Time Machines to land in gardens in Essex and allow Mexicans to profit from Burger franchises, sodomising badgers and in the case of latter, being a really shit acronym.
  • Remember to look right, left, up, then right again before crossing the road, pressing A to execute your special move, or accusing your friends of passing wind when you did.

The main sides in the conflict include, will include or may have included Britain, The United States, Transylvania, a shit sandwich, 27 llamas, Oscar Wilde and the "3" side of a passing dice due to provocation. France was also a participant for 3.625 seconds, but failing to break Serbia's record in World War One. Leading up to the conflict, America's attempts to call chips French Fries created tension between it & all other British English speakers. The reposte was weak, due to being sent in an undiscipherable accent, despite being filtered through a handlebar moustache. The final straw was America's refusal to acknowledge the Customary tea break between attacking different former American allies. The American concept of Intermissions did not appeal to the Britons at the time, because cheerleaders had no appeal due to swingers and hot dogs were equally rejected as just shy of twenty years earlier, World War Two had been fought to curtail the eating of sausage, the wanton moustache-cision of Adolph Hitler which inspired the Nazi leader who stole his name and to avoid invasive customs checks in order to come in and get wasted. World War Three was averted by removing the latter reason with the introduction of the European Union.

edit First phase

The First tacit of the US was to attempt to enlist Britain's help in invading itself. Prime Minister Tony Blair in his Wargamer stage rolled a dice to determine whether he had the stats to successfully launch this attack, as his statistics were generally inferior. His retardation score of 19 resulted in him having to decline the offer, despite being offered a lot of money, the island of Bermuda, a bag of sand and a chocolate teapot.

C Edit terminates here - I shall return and refine

Realising the problem the american government set about funding a multi-million pound(not $) time travle project; the aim being to travle back in time & enlist britons help in the pre-gmt-war period (they still did not notice the flaw)


Britain responded to this attempt with much laughter. Then realising it meant a war was going to start, we drew our plans against them (the original plan may be seen on the back of a gas bill in the V&A) this being done two people were called of the street & set to work in a top secret garden shed. The results were remarkable, within 3 weeks 7yards & a coffie spoon a method of creating a time warp powerfull[1] enough to travle to 11AM 1 hour before americas creation[2] Then Britain would then to prevent the creation of america, unfortunately for Britain one of our time travelers stepped on a butterfly meaning america was created 4 days later anyway[3]. Still this gave us time for a tea break before the 2nd phase.

edit 2nd phase

Desperately searching for yes-men to replace British politicians America turned to france, decided it was a bad move and so sent a school bus to deal with them. The bus was (unintentionally) victorious.

edit 3rd phase

Umm... i don't think it has happened yet.

edit 7th phase

The 7th phase was one of the most important in the war. During this tony 'booshs-yes-man' blair decided actually Briton should allie with america in invading itself. Subsequently he has been sent back to 1996 to reflect on his idiocy.

edit 4th phase

George boosh re-invents the wheel claiming that it was americas idea all along.

edit 5th phase

MIv replaces boosh with an ape & no one notices

edit 18th phase

the author realises it is getting silly so stops writing the article before he receives multiple death threats...

edit 32nd phase

time warps are put onto the commercial market this ending the time travle race

edit The end of the war

After various time travelers from the war realised it was somewhat anoying, They set up a new country dedicated to peace, love, cross-dressing, & most excellent music. They named this new country Transylvania.

edit the basis of the American time travel

this method led to the creation of devices known as "time machines" actually these were most commonly devices for grafting flys heads onto people.

The method:

  • get many million pounds
  • throw it at a collection of foreign scientists
  • tell them its a million to one chance when they've just told it wont work
  • get angry with them when it dosent work
  • when it dose finally work tell them it wont...
  • finaly realise it actually works & use it.

edit the basis of the British time travle

The following procedure was used by the British in Greenwich to create time warps then they used these with voyeuristic intension/ for traveling in time:

  • It's just a jump to the left.
  • And then a step to the right.
  • Put your hands on your hips.
  • You bring your knees in tight.
  • Then the pelvic thrust (note: this is the part which really drives you insane...)


edit notes

  1. well its not that long ago, but it makes us sound better to say its "powerfull enough to"
  2. for all you who dont know this is known as AM or avant'merica. The period after this is known as PM or post'merica
  3. If your time traveling never squash insects it leads to bad things!
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