Green Bay Packers

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 10:51, March 28, 2012 by MrN9000 (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
“They never drafted me...”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Packers
Bouncywikilogo5
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Green Bay Packers.
“Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing that matters.”
~ Vince Lombardi on Winning
“I sure do love Brett Favre. Here's a guy who, when he throws it to his receivers, can complete some passes. And he cooks a mean Turducken.”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
Favre running

You'd run too if your offensive line consisted of 4 chickens and a leather loveseat.

The Green Bay Fudge Packers (Packers for short) are an NFL football team located in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The team was named after the fudge packing industry, a huge business in Kenosha. The current roster consists of several players. Three of which are actual football players. The rest are gigantic chickens, diminutive fairies, inanimate objects and figments of your imagination.

History

The Beginning

The Packers were originally formed in 1901, as the Kenosha Crotch Rockets. The team, led by Vince Lombardi, had a long-standing and bitter rivalry with the Milwaukee Fightin' Drunkards. During a game between the two teams at Lambeau Field, a blizard claimed the lives of both teams. Lombardi hastily left Kenosha in hopes of finding new players. He searched high and low, checking leprosy hospitals and titty bars for the best of the best. At a strip club in Iowa, he came across Mark Twain, who made the team as a running back.

Lombardi recruited men from as far as Toronto, though they would later be determined to be women, and brutally executed. Lombardi had single handedly resurrected the franchise, bringing them into playoff contention for the first time in umpteen years. With an offense that was bolstered by the defensive mechanics of Genghis Khan’s sweep, rape, and pillage philosophy, the team won eighteen consecutive championships before succumbing to forty-year drought.

Breaking the Murder Barrier

In the midst of racially charged tensions, Lombardi made an exclusive deal to acquire OJ Simpson, who formerly played for the Inmates Cell Block D team at Sing-Sing. Simpson's arrival was met with protest from married husbands, who feared that The Juice might kill their wives. Others still looked forward to the possibility of being single.

Packer Grope

A Subtle Decline and Recovery

After leading his team to much glory, Lombardi died of Syphilis. Without their leader, the Franchise fell apart in 1980's. Their once prominent Far East Offense was overshadowed by the West Coast Offense. Additionally, rules changes after the 1979 season made it illegal to rape or pillage your opponents on the field of play.

In 1984 the Packers managed to ink Quarterback prospect, Brett Farve to a long-term deal. The fans immediately nicknamed him Old Thunderballs and over the course of his career, Farve would lead the Packers to victory over The New England Patriots, The Chicago Bears, The Brooklyn Jews, The Gum Disease known as Gingivitis and The Artist Formerly Known as That Weird Fucking Symbol Who Changed His Name Back To Prince.

The Present and Beyond

Favre’s fought long and heard to maintain the team despite losing many of his former teammates to free agency, cancer, lightning strikes and liver disease. In 2007, the Packers and Farve enjoyed great success thanks, probably, to a good chemist who gave Farve and his teammates a new form of untestable steroids.

Favre Carry

Brett Favre occasionally has to drag Donald Driver away from the team Donkey.

Current Roster

The following section contains Packer's current roster.

  • Brett Favre, QB - Even at age 70, Favre can still hang with the best in the league.
  • Brett Farve, CB - Favre's impostor, or perhaps the only person who spells that name correctly.
  • Donald Driver, WR - Known for his quickness and fondness for interspecies erotica.
  • Jerry the Jig-Saw, P/K
  • An Army of Gigantic Chickens, OL - These offensive linemen have been known to stop pass rushers with their feathered fury.
  • The Broom, RB - The team's broom. Helps celebrate sweeping a opposing team.
  • You, LB - Didn't know you got drafted, huh?
  • Ann Coulter, Cheerleader - Because every team needs a dirty pirate hooker.
  • Bill Nye the Science Guy - Head Coach
  • Malcolm X - Ping Pong Champion
  • Vince Lombardi - His exhumed corpse is carried onto the field on the shoulders of the Packers before each home game.


 National Football League 
AFC East North South West
Buffalo Bills Baltimore Ravens Houston TexansHouston Texans Denver Broncos
Miami DolphinsMiami Dolphins Cincinnati Bengals Indianapolis Colts Kansas City ChiefsKansas City Chiefs
New England Patriots Cleveland Browns Jacksonville JaguarsJacksonville Jaguars Oakland RaidersOakland Raiders
New York Jets Pittsburgh Steelers Tennessee TitansTennessee Titans San Diego ChargersSan Diego Chargers
NFC East North South West
Dallas Cowboys Chicago Bears Atlanta FalconsAtlanta Falcons Arizona Cardinals
New York GiantsNew York Giants Detroit Lions Carolina PanthersCarolina Panthers St. Louis RamsSt. Louis Rams
Philadelphia Eagles Green Bay Packers New Orleans SaintsNew Orleans Saints San Francisco 49ersSan Francisco 49ers
Washington RedskinsWashington Redskins Minnesota Vikings Tampa Bay Buccaneers Seattle Seahawks
Terrell Owens | John Madden | Rex Grossman | Kyle Orton | O.J. Simpson | Scott Norwood | Al Davis | Dan Snyder| Brian Urlacher
Canadian Football League | American Football | Anti-Football | Real football
Patriot Act (football) | Marching band | The Super Bowl
Personal tools
projects