Monarchial Republic of Greece
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Hell-Ass, also known as HellAss or Hellass, is the greatest fake country in the world, there live the incredible number of 10 million Albanians, Turks, Macedonians, and a few Greeks; According to Yunanistan government there are estimated 6.8 billion Yunanistans (greeks or hellassholes) in the world. Acknowledged as the Founder of Democracy© and inventor of western civilization, audacious bullshit©, feta cheese, asskissing©, baklava©, Hodja Nasreddin, hacivatis and karagozis,and some more known to be Turkish things and cheesy Eurovision songs. They currently have a very serious banana shortage.
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| Motto: Kill all the non Hellasholes, if you can't just kill them (you are in EU) make them change their name, so they get owned any way. | |||||
| Anthem: Homos for life by Greekophile shu pac shakur | |||||
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| Capital | Disneyland | ||||
| Previous capital | Ancara, Tirana, Baghdad, Adis Abeba in chronologic order | ||||
| Largest city | Adis Ababa | ||||
| Official languages | Ancient Hellenic | ||||
| Government | Regime | ||||
| '(Electable) public money spender | Adolf Hitler, Papandreou Georgios HM King Cocos-Constantine II | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Adolf Hitler, Zahopoulos, Darth Vader, Prior Efraim, Greekmonster | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | 100,000,000 BC During the second galactic wars between Andromeda and Sirius | ||||
| Currency | Dead Albanians, cigarettes, prostitutes and rarely euro | ||||
| Religion | Pastafarism, Souvlakian | ||||
| Population | 10 billion (unclear what) in Greece, 20 billion in the rest world, many more in the rest universe | ||||
| Ethnic groups | MAlakas, Homos, Gyftos, Aegian Macedonians, Aromanians, Turkish, and a few that believe they are the Ancient Greeks. | ||||
| Major exports | Gays with hairy chests, Hate | ||||
| Major imports | Money, Albanian Refugees, Pakistani | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Gay bum sex) , 1980s (the best Straight-To-Video kamaki productions, Name changing. | ||||
| Opening hours | May - October | ||||
| Internet TLD | .com .net .org We can host everything! | ||||
Contents |
General Facts
- Greece is the most southern country in Europe (until they include Israel in it, it's in the Eurovision song contest after all so why not take it from there?)
- Greece is the most northern country in Africa (a famous quote from a famous comedian-actor-football team owner-mayor, not all at the same time though:"Hell-Ass is the only African country with white people". Of course that was before the Nigerian import
- Greece is the most western country in Asia, cause, like...
- Greeks have invented the western civilisation and brought the light to all those cavemen people in the rest of the known countries at the time (Some still prefer the caves though, better climate, warm in winter, breezy in the summer and best hide for extra-family activities. There are no lights which makes excuses very easy to come by, i.e. "Sorry I thought she was my girlfriend"). Mericans are excluded because Merica wasn't invented at the time. In fact the Greek philosophers back then had a Battle-Royal with the military buffs, which they won, so as not to invent it. They were defeated a few centuries later, hence the transatlantic mess ("We told you so" -philosophers).
- Should trouble arise, the Greeks can at any point in time, even in the past (the future is uncertain), switch off the lights and throw whomever responsible back in the dark ages, the ancient times, the paleolithic era, the bigger the issue the farthest the time-slot. A perfect example that clearly demonstrates such consequences are the Chinese. They never had a rift with the Greeks and now they're the no.1 power. But of course the Greek hand is always close to the switch, so they're aware and tread careful.
- It's common knowledge, but will be denied at request, that Greeks invented the black hole. The person responsible for it, accidentally fell through it, before the hole vanished in a poof of smoke (had he seen he would've gotten the idea), and the slave who came later, back from the groceries, found only a badly written hand note where it was scribbled: "Back Hole". (N.B. Contrary to common belief, it's not a discovery, it's an invention.).
- Greece is the home of a select 11+ million people, all of them educated, powerful, and beautiful
- Greek women, have some of the most beautiful facial hair in all Europe.
- Greeks are an ethnicity, the greatest one of all times. They have their flaws, but they are funny ones.
Ethnic Groups in Greece
- 100,001% Ancient Hellens
They are effectively applying the Albert Einstein's time travel theory in the the daily urban transport of Hellashole as shown by the documentary about the Ancient Hellens: Back to the Future.
- -100,001% Turks, Macedonians, Albanians and other minorities
The minorities in Hellashole are a non-existent paradox, one of the rare known examples of applied anti-matter physics, they are there and they are not there in the same time and place. They are the basic philosophical implications of Nothing. Commonly they are referred to as Nothing by the Hellashole Government.
History
Greek history starts when Charles Darwin the Great accidentally crushing on the Hellasholes homeland, while piloting his spaceship the U.S.S Enterprise. At this small piece of land populated with a unique breed of baboons , with a strange mark on there asses (the mark latter was adopted by Adolf Hitler and was called the Swastika ). After careful observation ,and hundreds of sexual assault charges later ,Charles decided that this monkeys ware too gay to evolve. Seeing no other alternative Charles packed his bags and get the hell out of this world, with his brand new Aston Martin DB9.
A major part of Greek history is swathed in mystery!!!! This is because of the notorious Felicity Domini scandal, Felicity Domini the illegitimate son of a fire ant and a milk maid was said to contain the spirit of Plato's erection. This did not bode well as Socrates believed it was he who should have been filled with Plato's cock. This unfortunately resulted in the battle of 2 Pac the cycloptic bile producer and Vanilla Ice.
Felicity was so upset that he/she had caused this battle that he /she swore to remove any trace of it from history, this meant finding every scholar and using the power of Plato's heaving man cannon to produce an almost continuous stream of philosophical semen into the houses of these scholars and scribes. Essentially drowning them in the seed of modern thinking. To this day only one record survives of the incident as a small cheese eater who had secretly learned to write recorded it all on recycled human flesh.
Greek culture
It is well known that the Hellassholes invented three things, ass-licking, ouzo, and sex. However, Macedonians told them that they could have sex with women, too. Modern Greeks invented just gyro and frappe, but hey, they have to rest too. In Greece you're only considered homosexual if you receive (jailhouse rules).
Greek cuisine
All Turkish and Arabic, but spelled in the Greek alphabet so as to appear as native people's food. It's no secret that before the arrival of Arabs and Turks the main food were stones. Fried stones, stone stir fry, stone soup and stones with Macedonian cream were the favourites of the Greeks.
Greek language
Hell-Ass language thought to be a Indo-European language, despite of denials of Greeks. here are some key Greek words used by other parts of world. ibne:greek, ibnetoris:greeks, piç:greek children, pezevenk:president, göt çapudu:greek flag, sübyancı:priest (don't forget respect against priests), hellass:homos, tıraş:politics, kokona:greek women,
Greek economy
Consists mostly of blackmailing the Republic of Macedonia. Other sectors include taking excessive and unmanageable levels of government debt and then blackmailing the Eurozone into bailing them out before the euro currency collapses and with it the entire Eurozone. Italy is also a leader in this sector, but currently doesn't measure up to the Hellass.
Greek Mythology
Before it became Christian, Greece had its own set of Gods. For example, before (the) Madonna, Aphrodite was the Goddess of love, lust and sex, and is thought to have been the most beautiful made up woman of all time. Apollo was the God of music, prophecies and archery, and was strongly associated with the Sun (although nobody bothered to tell NASA this before sending Tom Hanks into space).
In not too specific an order, other Greek gods to have been seen roaming around town after dark are: Hades (of the underworld), Poseidon (sea and horses – though not seahorses), Hera (marriage and childbirth), Dionysus (wine, parties, bit of a dude), Hephaestus (an inflammation of liver tissue), and finally of course Zeus, King of all the Gods.
Hell-Asshole nation
There are living Hellenes.
As well as being home to many Gods, Greece has also had much more than its fair share of clever fellows (who mainly helped make up the Gods). One of the most famous of these philosophers includes Socrates (469BC - 399 BC), often considered the greatest smartarse in Western history. He was a ratbag who through his philosophy discussed many ideas that upset many people, including (rather stupidly) the democratic government of the day (which in those days meant the entire citizen body). For being a smartarse he was eventually given a choice of either pissing off forever or to die through excessive drinking. Being in his usual philosophical mood he chose the ouzo. But by the divine intervention of the philosopical goddess Athena (that's what he calls it), he saw Reason and was saved from the demon drink. As is well known to history, he decided to piss off to Brazil after all (why do you think they're so clever on their feet?) where he has helped Brazil win 600 world cups, and has philosophized under the table after every match, introduced by Pele. (Extract from "The History of Western Philosophy" Chapter 1 The First Question: Philosophia or Malakia?: by Dr. B Bruce, Dept of Philosophy, No Faculty For Pooftahs, University of Woolloomooloo [1])
There are living Hellenes.
The two other most famous Greek smartarses were Plato and Aristotle, but Socrates ran rings around them with the ball at his feet.
The following is a list of Greek lovelies:
- Kostas Karamanlis
- Alexander the Great Tourist
- Herbert Von Karajanides
- Samuel Lambda Jacksoniou
- Philip of Edinburgh
- Mr. Snuffleupagus
- Antonios o Gamias
- Zahopoulos
- King Cocos
- Maria SCALLAS,Kakogeropoulos
- Stavros the Kebab Shopkeeper
Typical Hell-Asshole attitude
It is not uncommon for men to refer to women as "anorgasmiki" (unable to have an orgasm) because Greek men can have an orgasm at any given moment and twice at no given moments.
Most women (and most men too) refer to (other) men as "malaka" (asshole, dick, jackass, wanker and also buddy, pal). It is cheesy, but becoming increasingly common, for women to use "malaka" to address other women. Studies haven't been conclusive but an increment in women's balls has been cited as a possible reason.
The typical Malakas driver throws bottles out of his vehicle's window without caring about a possible accident-inducing trajectory or environmental impact. The most appropriate word that describes this attitude is "Ellinaras" (big Greek jerk). This attitude doesn't necessary involve a vehicle. The "Ellinaras" will throw away anything available but useless to him/her wherever possible. Usually it is within 2-3 metres (6-9 feet for drunk Britons) from a designated area for that purpose (trash can, dump site, ashtray etc). In this context, this is the usual, short conversation between two smokers who cannot see the ashtray or bother to ask for one: "-So where's the ashtray? -Right underneath you jerk, the BIG one".
The Greek driver is always the best there is, whereas all the rest are just "malakes" (pl. of "malakas") and is an expert in fast driving, but only just. This can be verified by the geometric increase in the number of vehicle accidents every year, hence the favourite motto: "Going nowhere (but the tree) fast".
Greeks show a particular interest in social topics of the people they know, or don't, and they're masters in the art of Culture Making). The process is widely known as ξεκατίνιασμα (ksekatiniasma) in honour of the Greek actress Katina Paxinou, who is thought to be the first person ever to have collected and recorded the proper rules of conduct. After Pericles, of course.
There is also the race of "psonia" (bought off-ers). It is complicated but in basic principle it's the young people who believe they are better that everyone else and flaunt it. Similar (or better) to chavs. A psonara (the female) can be spotted on the streets of the rich suburb of Kiffisia with a bird's nest hair style, sipping on a Starbuck's frappuchino whereas a psonio (the male) is harder to spot. He has shoulder-length hair or hair-length shoulders, is gorgeous and knows it, very very loud and will hit on anything that moves. Of course, all Greek people use the term loosely for anyone who is annoying them at that moment. Just for the record, you are a psonio too.
Officially there is equality between the sexes, but women are actually paid less. About 40% of the Greek women are engaged in active employment despite their proper place being at home, taking care of the 'malaka'. Greek women are not liable for obligatory military service and they love it; more time spent in shopping! When divorcing, all belongings are equally split between man and woman as neither of them can come to any compromise. Today a Greek woman may keep her maiden name when marrying and some do just to spite their husband. Greek women only give birth to half as many children, as they did before World War 2; this is probably a master plan of Zionists and Freemasons to reduce the number of Einsteins that have gained the monopoly in the world mind market and that caused many to argue and stop the exports. Arranged marriages are encouraged by law as is the payment of a dowry, so both actually apply but none will talk about it.
The average life expectancy for Greek women is 917 years. For men it's 80 because they can only stand the women for 80 years.
If you're bored/curious/hungry enough to enter a taverna alone, don't expect to be served in a long amount of time. In Greece it's very unlikely that someone eats alone. One is usually waiting for someone or else why leave the flat in the first place? For the waiter it will be very impolite to ask for the order before all the guests have arrived. Though this has changed in the major tourist places, and especially for tourists (who are ridiculously easy to spot) but you can still find such behavior in villages most notably in the island of Crete and pretty much in most other islands.
In Greece you must adapt to GMT but in this case GMT stands (or often sits) for "Greek Mostly Time". The Greek people have a very different attitude to time. When the bus is scheduled to come 10:30 it will come between 10 and 11, depending on the traffic, how many people the driver has met and felt he should talk with, and many other small things. Or a local might tell you that the bus will arrive AFTER 4 pm! Then he hasn't promised too much. The Greek people don't live by the clock. The Greeks also have a different opinion about when it's morning, afternoon and evening. You say Good Morning until 12. If you have agreed to meet in the 'afternoon', the earliest meant by this will be 6:00 pm! In Greece, the evening meal begins no earlier than 9:00 pm. Also no one will think anything of it if you phone at 10.00pm at night. However, 'siesta' time, between 3 pm and 5 pm is held to be sacred. During a siesta, though, it is very unpopular (often bordering to dangerous and suicidal) to disturb someone. So it's not an oxymoron to hear loud shouts/screams/curses during siesta. These come from people who value this sacred time and they are addressed at the other 'malakes' who don't and who themselves engage in all sorts of activities which they cannot find another time but this to practice, such as drilling, hammering, furniture rearrangement, high-speed motorcycle drive-by's (no shooting though) etc.
Greeks enjoy the fine art of dance. If you tease them for it, they will promptly curse you out in Greek to show their intellectual superiority, then castrate and decapitate you, just to prove a point.
National sport of Hell-Ass is the Analdildo
In term of sports, Greeks adore group sports.
Joint champions with the Turks in the friendly sports competitions organized during the last six centuries. These include such events as "rock climbing", "flag hoisting", "flag lowering", "who's fucking flag is that anyway?", "I can't see, it's too dark", "get that fucking goat off the rock, it's eating the flag", "it's okay, it's not our flag" and "fuck the flag, let´s go for the goat"". These games are usually organized on tiny, utterly useless islands, inhabited by goats, to promote local tourism.
Another important sport is arguing. Greeks do it non-stop, the ferocity with which they argue is directly proportional to the amount of frappé/ouzo in their blood at the time, however, even if sober and sleep deprived, they are the stubbornest people this world has yet to spawn. They will get together and talk about any number of topics, not to make conversation, but to, by trial and error, find a topic that is disagreed upon, and then spend the next 5 hours (minus any possible interference with siesta) arguing over it, usually to find that they have the same basic ideas, just with slightly different details. But now, they're satisfied!
Greece's other national sport is sitting and drinking coffee for hours, preferably outdoors (weather permitting and more often than not it is) in squares or (ideally) by the beach. The average duration of a coffee-drinking session is around 3 hours, but the same group of people can be seen occupying a table for as much as 7-8 hours. During that time, members of the group come and go, others leave to run some errands and then return, by the 4th hour none of the original members is on the table, but don't be fooled, it is the same group of people! In popular places it is so hard to get a table, that you just have to hold on to it no matter what. This phenomenon explains the outrageous prices of coffee in Greece, as it's actually the space you re paying for (it's essentially real estate business, not catering). To compare equal things, an espresso costs 3 Euros in Athens and 0.70-1 Euro in "expensive, cosmopolitan" Milan. For other types of coffee, such as Freddo (based on espresso, inspired by the Italians but only known in Greece) you can pay as much as 7 Euros. On a sunny spring day, one can notice the number of 30 year old people who slothfully sip their coffee in outdoor cafes at 11:30 am on a Wednesday, and surprisingly can afford a 6 Euro Freddo, when they're apparently unemployed.
The most popular kind of coffee in Greece is the frappé (φραπές, φραπεδιά, φραπόγαλο (with milk), φραπεδούμπα). A sure indication of a good frappé is when it's so thick that the straw doesn't sink in it without having to push it down. Foreigners who wish to try Greek frappé for the first time, should not count on being able to sleep for the following 2 or 3 days and will need to hang anvils from their eyelids if they ever want to close them again.
Greeks will drink coffee at any time of the day, it's common to see people drinking frappè at midnight, before starting their night out (in Greece nobody goes clubbin' before 01:00 am, unless they want to help with cleaning).
Toss the Macedonian
Toss the Macedonians became Greece's national sport after the conquest of Greece by the 'Greek' Macedonians. No literally, they were forced to toss off Macedonians, but they didn't really mind. How else could they keep such firm bodies? It's not like they had stair master or steroids.
Chase the children
Another popular sport, even today, is the chase the children. It is a friendly tag game between Greek adults and 'willing' Greek children. The caught children get 'tagged' before they withdraw to a corner where they turn themselves into a little human ball so that they may cry for the next 3 days. Eventually the sport was named pedophilia in the honor of Pedophillius, the greatest Greek child molester that ever lived. Molester is the Greek word for thousand-year-national-Greek-hero.
Government
The Greeks invented democracy and the Romans converted it to the art of democratic corruption. Later on the people realized they were much too lazy to govern themselves so they form a senate to do it for them. Later on the senate realized they couldn't be bothered so they convinced the people it was better to have a Prime Minister. These days the Prime Minister is something similar to a Go Go Jesus doll from Dogma, a man of great presence and 3/6 of Kevin Bacon. His political party is called New Democracy (Νέα Δημοκρατία) because it redefined democracy, now a synonym of monarchy (μοναρχία). In fact, they handled the administration over to George Michael, your regular power-hungry (and hairy) archbishop so it's more of a theocracy thing. The Prime Minister is well known for his appetite and has been said to be a direct descendant of Taz the Tazmanian Devil. This article does not cover the political opposition (αντιπολίτευση) as the party responsible for that is fast forward and also noted by Final Fantasy fans to be in a state of petrification. There have been reports that besides these two parties there actually exist in Greece more political parties, mostly belonging to the left. Sadly, credible evidence for this has yet to be put forth and said reports are generally considered wildly inaccurate. Singer Demis Roussos was crowned King of Greece in 1978. Greece was pleased to gain a Queen when Roussos married fellow recording artist Nana Mouskouri in 1987.
The current Minister of Foreign Affairs is the famous TV showman Tambakis.
SueTube Wars: Greece vs. Turkey
Greeks and Turks seem to fight over everything in general, while the most popular topics seem to be football, yoghurt and baklava, a dessert so filled with sugar that it might turn deadly when consumed in large amounts. Because both nations well know they'll get really, really bored if they don't fight with each other on any platform possible, the national sport of both countries have lately been posting stupid videos on SueTube, which mainly consist of curses constructed in really bad grammar. The traditional theme of the videos is generally mothers (from each side) getting gang banged, and surprisingly, goat fucking. No-one knows how interspecies sex can be that big of an insult, but it apparently is a taboo for the youth of both nations, especially when Greeks are pretty much offended by it when they do it more regularly in private.
SueTube fights are held every week between teams of, say, Stavraetos666 and YoungTurkishWolf696969, and the game is continued until one of the teams' leader officially call emo.
The last major conflict occurred in 1989 when the two countries fought over a small pebble that a tourist dropped over the side of a ferry in the Aegean sea. Within minutes, a team of Turkish naval commandos had establish a small but significant presence on the pebble, raising fears in Thessaloniki that soon all pebbles would be seized by tiny little Turk soldiers. The Greek response was to increase domestic corruption, drink frappe and moan about everything so eventually the fuss died down.
Greek movies
Perhaps the best movie ever made depicting the light-carrying, shining, famous, ancient and enormous Greek culture and civilization is "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", where with well established scientific methods, the pluralism of the Greek language was proved beyond any doubt along with the origins of modern English in Greek (in fact, the origin of every modern language from Greek).
A 1972 documentary about Greece starring John Travolta and Olivia Neutron-Bomb was considerably less successful.
This famous lack of success was mirrored by the sequel, Zorba the Greek, filmed entirely in a Gus Portokalos' restaurant in 1962. The hero, Basil (Ernest Hemingway), arrives in Crete to find that it is inhabited by a peculiar species of bloodthirsty peasant that likes to murder sexy widows and that can't even figure out a way to slide logs down steep hillsides. The heroic Zorba turns out not to be Greek at all, just an American putting on a comedy accent, so Basil thinks "sod it" and decides to get drunk and dance like an arthritic shepherd like everybody else.
Due to censorship by the Orthodox Church, the goat huffing scenes were deleted.
"Tamtakos o Electronikos", probably the most successful movie in the history of inter-universal cinema (a recent poll revealed that not a single living being in the Universe has died without having seen "Tamtakos o Elektronikos" at least once during their lifetime). Recently voted one of the 3 top films in the Universe by the UCC (Universal Cinema Commission).
"I epithesi tou gigantiaiou mousaka title" is the runner-up.
The other two films include "Cazavlaka" (the famous Venusian comedy) and "The Godfeather" (filmed in the beautiful valleys of Neptune, starring a genius pigeon, Corlebone).
See also
Freaks and Greeks
| Greek: | Greek gods - Greek mythology - Greek language - Greek Empire - Greek War of Independence (video game) - Byzantine Empire (mostly Greek) |
| Greeks: | Socrates - Plato - Aristotle - Alexander the Great - Idiocrates - Mediocrates - Hypocrites - Homer - Euripides - Euclid - Archimedes - Pythagoras - Heraclitus - Sophocles - Zorba The Greek - Pericles - UnNews:Greek Prime Minister target by perv |
| Gods & Titans: | Zeus - Poseidon - Aphrodite - Chaos - Chronos - Hermaphrodite - Athena - Hades - Prometheus |
| Greece: | Ancient Greece - Athens - Sparta - Rhodes - Thermopylae - Delphi - Geece |
| Greecey Food: | Olives - Olive Oil - Wheat - Darth Feta - Ouzo |
| Greek Ingenuity: | Comedy - Tragedy - Philosophy - Sodomy - Olympic Games |
| Greek Speak: | The Aeneid - The Iliad - The Odyssey - The Destiniad - Oedipus the King |
Civilizations and Empires Throughout History
| Sumeria - Babylon - Egypt - Persia - Greece - Roman Empire - Byzantine Empire - Ottoman Empire - Aztec Empire - China - Japan - Korea - Mongolia - India - England - France - Germany - Spain - Portugal - Kittenolivia - Bulgaria - Russia - America - Cat Nation |
| Northern Europe | Channel Islands · Denmark · Estonia · Faroe Islands · Finland · Guernsey · Iceland · Ireland · Isle of Man · Latvia · Lithuania · Norway · Old Jersey · Sealand · Svalbard · Sweden · United Kingdom | 
|
| Western Europe | Austria · Belgium · Corsica · France · Germany · Liechtenstein · Luxembourg · Monaco · Netherlands · Switzerland | |
| Eastern Europe | Belarus · Bulgaria · Czech Republic · Hungary · Moldova · Poland · Romania · Russia · Slovakia · Ukraine | |
| Southern Europe | Albania · Andorra · Balearic Islands · Bosnia and Herzegovina · Croatia · Cyprus · Gibraltar · Gozo · Greece · Italy · Kosovo · Macedonia · Madeira · Malta · Montenegro · Portugal · San Marino · Serbia · Sicily · Slovenia · Spain · Vatican City |
| Hellenic States |
| Greece | Cyprus | Macedonia | Victoria |
