From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Bankrupt Republic of Greece
|Motto: This is Sparta!!!!!|
|Anthem: "I Need a Dollar"|
|Previous capital||Athens, Nafplio, Constantinople, Rome, Sparta (in chronological order)|
|Official language(s)||Ancient Hellenic, Gypsy|
|National Hero(es)||Alexander the Great, Zahopoulos, Pericles, Prior Efraim, and Leonidas|
|Established||100,000,000 BC During the second galactic wars between Andromeda and Sirius|
|Currency||Marbles, cheese, souvlaki and ouzo (it ran out of euros and yugos a while ago)|
|Population||69 million (unclear what)|
|Ethnic groups||Christian Arabs, Christian Turks, Gypsies, Ethiopians,|
|Major exports||Intelligence, Feta Cheese,sunburn, Spartans, ouzo, oil (from olives, not what you might first think of...), philosophy, astronomy, Jennifer Aniston, "democratic" reformistic socialists|
|Major imports||Money, Swedish girls, Kamasutra Positions, sex toys, conservative voters,|
|May - October|
Democratic Republic of Greece (Greek: Εεεεελλαααάδααααα // , listen: Media:Name of Greece.mp3), also known as Monarchical Republic of Greece and officially the Frappe Republic of Greece (Greek: Ποιος μετακόμισε τυρί μου), is a tiny country located in the Mediterranean peninsula, the paradise on earth. It's mostly known for its intelligence and logical philosophy. From a geographical point of view, Greece is a tiny peninsula near the city-state of Helladistan. If you don't know this state then you have completely lost your spiritual guidance and you need help from an exorcist. If you don't find an exorcist then you can call the Great Archbishop of Athens and All Greece, Christodoulos.
See also: Greek Umpire: Hellas strikes back
The Greeks are an ancient people who claim they invented Europe when the rest of the continent was in animal skins and talking like animals. They called all non-Greeks sheep and said they bleated like agitated lambs - hence Baa-baa-baa-baa-barbarians. The Greeks always liked to remind every subsequent invader of this fact (Persians, Romans, French, English, Germans, Italians).They were also light years ahead in providing entertainment with plays by Euripides, comedies by Aristophanes and soap operas by Menander whose works were subsequently misfiled by later archivists as they were trash. The Greeks also liked poetry and listened to Homer as he droned on about Donuts.
With all this leisure time, the Greeks had time to argue with each other. Wherever they went, they caused chaos by arguing with fellow villagers. So being a sailor or a merchant was not recommended. It was said it only needed one Greek to start an argument. Athens and Sparta were the leading states in Greece's glory days until the Macedonian King Philip and his son Alexander the Great conquered them. After that the Greeks spread far and wide but back in Greece there was a long decline. It became an intellectual backwater. Like today, the really interesting Greeks found excuses to live elsewhere, a tradition carried on by Ariana Huffington Post.
Perhaps the most important moment of Greek history was the Battle of Thermopylae. Persian Dictator Xeres was the infamous Emperor of the Galactic Empire. He led his army of approximately 10 million men because he wanted to take over the world and annex it into his empire. He brought 10 million men because the Greek had secret weapons known as "Spartans" (a project developed by the Rebellion in order to halt the Galactic Empire's advance on Earth). Though only 300 units were made, these "Spartans" could absolutely rekt anything, demolishing entire legions of soldiers by themselves using their helmet bashing headbutts (which would later be used by Luke Skywalker) and their wooden lightsabers called "spears." The great army of Emperor Xeres and the powerful Spartan units, led by the famous Jedi Master Leonidas (known as King of Spartans), met accidentally at Thermopylae where the Galactic Empire was marching towards Athens. The Spartans completely wasted the Persian army, slaughtering hundreds of thousands of Persians with their lightsabers and head smashing combos. It was also rumored they used the force to push elephants off the cliff, completely scaring the Persian army. For 7 days, the Spartans held of the hordes of Persians. However, on the 8th day, the helmets of the Spartans were dented and was unfit to be used for head bashing. Also, the lightsabers ran out of juice, forcing the Spartans to back up. Unfortunately for the Spartans, Anakin Skywalker wanted to be a Sith and joined the Emperor as Darth Vader. He showed the Emperor the way around the Spartans and attacked the flank and front at the same time. The Spartans were brave, and refused to give up. However, the Emperor eventually led an all out attack, resulting in the end of the Spartan army. Although the Persian Army marched on to capture Athens, the Greeks would strike back harder the following year (called the Return of the Spartans). The Greeks would eventually drive out the Persians and re-establish the Spartan Order, and continuing to preserve the peace of the world.
Greece became part of the Roman Empire and then the Byzantine Empire. During the Crusades the French arrived and introduced adultery. The Venetians took over the Greek shipping business and charged excess fares. In the 15th century the Byzantine empire fell and the Turks came in. Greece was now really isolated, the only excitement happened in 1687 when the Venetians blew up the Parthenon under the rhetoric it was storing weapons of mass destruction. The Greeks said they would restore it which is why over 300 years later there is scaffolding and extended lunch breaks to show how rapidly this is progressing.
The sculptures that survived were later sold to the English, by the Turks, as a settlement of outstanding bill. Lord Byron wrote a poem in protest and said he had fallen in love with Greece. This was an era when Romantics rediscovered ancient Greece and pledged they would help liberate the country from Turkish rule. It was called Panhandlenism.
Greece earned its independence during the early decades of the 19th century from the Ottoman Empire. After the Greek War of Independence, Greece got involved in a considerable number of wars in order to spread Greek Feta cheese to lesser lands. The Turks resisted and there were a number of wars until the Greeks unfairly lost, when their allies, the British and French, deserted them in 1922.
The official symbol on the Greek flag is a traditional [ Byzantine cold-coffee beverage known as Frappe, sitting on a white sky and a blue sea. This is thought to symbolize a Greek's main source of "coolness", which is his/her extreme empathy towards everything.
edit Public Debt problems
Since the beginning of the year, The Greater Hellenic Democratic Republic has suffered minor cash flow problems. This is due to a few people in the government (who represent 0.00001% of the country's population) who spent all the public money on luxurious stuff, the fine life, and in corruption. Greece is known to be the best places to have enormous amounts of envelopes full of money, commonly known as Fakelakia (Φακελακια) (also known as baksheesh) that the people use to give to the public functions such as the doctors, liars, err, lawyers and (of course) the tax collectors. Besides tourism, the envelopes are the main revenue sources of the country. However, Greece promises to Merkel's German Nazis (achtung!) and the American Republican Robber Barons to pay them back by other means of payments, such as anal sex or by farting on their own debts.
edit Government and politics
The Greeks invented democracy and the Romans converted it to the art of democratic corruption (which the Greeks also liked). Later on, the people realized they were much too lazy to govern themselves, so they formed a Senate to do it for them. Later on the Senate realized they couldn't be bothered so they convinced the people it was better to have a Prime Minister. These days the Prime Minister (whomever he is), a man of great presence and 3/6 of Kevin Bacon. His political party is called New Democracy (Νέα Δημοκρατία) because it redefined democracy, now a synonym of monarchy (μοναρχία). (Note: this party is subject to change until further notice.) In fact, they handled the administration over to George Michael, your regular power-hungry (and hairy) archbishop so it's more of a theocracy thing. The Prime Minister is well known for his appetite and has been said to be a direct descendant of Taz the Tasmanian Devil. This article does not cover the political opposition (αντιπολίτευση), as the parties responsible for that are Fast Forward, which is also noted by Final Fantasy fans to be in a state of petrification, and the Groucho, Harpo, Chico, and Karl Marx Flip-Flop Carnival Show. There have been reports that, besides these three parties, there actually exist, in Greece, ahem, let me catch my breath, more political parties, mostly belonging to the left. Sadly, credible evidence for this has yet to be put forth and said reports are generally considered wildly inaccurate. Singer Demis Roussos was crowned King of Greece in 1978. Greece was pleased to gain a Queen when Roussos married fellow recording artist Nana Mouskouri in 1987.
The current Minister of Foreign Affairs is the famous TV showman Tambakis.
edit Greece vs. Turkey
Greeks and Turks seem to fight over everything in general, while the most popular topics seem to be football, yoghurt and baklava, a dessert so filled with sugar that it might turn deadly when consumed in large amounts. Because both nations are well aware that they'll get really, really bored if they don't fight with each other on any platform possible, the national sport of both countries is posting stupid videos that mainly consist of curses in really bad grammar and involving interspecies sex.
The last major conflict occurred in 1989 when the two countries fought over a small pebble that a tourist dropped over the side of a ferry in the Aegean sea. Within minutes, a team of Turkish naval commandos had establish a small but significant presence on the pebble, raising fears in Thessaloniki that soon all pebbles would be seized by tiny little Turk soldiers. The Greek response was to increase domestic corruption, drink frappe and moan about everything so eventually the fuss died down. Then the Greeks spent a lot of Euro on themselves, couldn't pay the bill, and went whining to Mama Merkel to please give them more.
Greece is the most southern country in Pakistan (until they include Konstatinoupolis in it, it's in the Eurovision song contest after all so why not take it from there?) or the most southern country in Europe (a famous quote from a famous comedian-actor-football team owner-mayor, not all at the same time though:
Greeks have invented the Western Civilization and brought the light to all those cavemen people in the rest of the known countries at the time (Some still prefer the caves though, better climate, warm in winter, breezy in the summer and best hide for extra-family activities. There are no lights which makes excuses very easy to come by, i.e. "Sorry I thought she was my girlfriend"). Mericans are excluded because Merica wasn't invented at the time. In fact the Greek philosophers back then had a Battle-Royal with the military buffs, which they won, so as not to invent it. They were defeated a few centuries later, hence the transatlantic mess ("We told you so" -philosophers).
Given that (the invention not the battle!), everyone should be very careful when addressing any issue for any matter at any time regarding any Greeks. Should trouble arise, the Greeks can at any point in time, even in the past (the future is certain), switch off the lights and throw whoever responsible back in the dark ages, the ancient times, the paleolithic era, the bigger the issue the farthest the time-slot. A perfect example that clearly demonstrates such consequences are the Chinese. They never had a rift with the Greeks and now they're the no. 1 power. But of course the Greek hand is always close to the switch, so they're aware and tread careful.
It's common knowledge, but will be denied at request, that Greeks invented the black a-hole. The person responsible for it, accidentally fell through it, before the hole vanished in a poof of smoke (had he seen he would've gotten the idea), and the slave who came later, back from the groceries, found only a badly written hand note where it was scribbled: "Back Hole". (N.B. Contrary to common belief, it's not a discovery, it's an invention. Tools are needed quite often and science was put to use). Greece is the home of a select 11+ million people, all of them educated, powerful, and beautiful (Greek women, especially, have some of the most beautiful facial hair in all Europe). Greeks are the greatest ethnicity of all time. They have their flaws, but they are funny ones.
Consists mostly of blackmailing the Republic of Macedonia. Other sectors include taking excessive and unmanageable levels of government debt and then blackmailing the Euro-zone into bailing them out before the euro currency collapses and with it the entire Eurozone. Italy is also a leader in this sector, but currently doesn't measure up to the Hellas.
If you're bored/curious/hungry enough to enter a taverna alone, don't expect to be served for a long amount of time. In Greece it's very unlikely that someone eats alone. One is usually waiting for someone or else why leave the flat in the first place? For the waiter it is be very impolite to ask for the order before all the guests have arrived. Though this has changed in the major tourist places, and especially for tourists (who are ridiculously easy to spot) you can still find such behavior in villages most notably in the island of Crete and pretty much in most other islands.
In Greece you must adapt to GMT but in this case GMT stands (or often sits) for "Greek Mostly Time". The Greek people have a very different attitude to time. When the bus is scheduled to come 10:30 it will come between 10 and 11, depending on the traffic, how many people the driver has met and felt he should talk with, and many other small things. Or a local might tell you that the bus will arrive AFTER 4 pm! Then he hasn't promised too much. The Greek people don't live by the clock. The Greeks also have a different opinion about when it's morning, afternoon and evening. You say Good Morning until 12. If you have agreed to meet in the 'afternoon', the earliest meant by this will be 6:00 pm! In Greece, the evening meal begins no earlier than 9:00 pm. Also no one will think anything of it if you phone at 10.00pm at night. However, 'siesta' time, between 3 pm and 5 pm is held to be sacred. During a siesta, though, it is very unpopular (often bordering to dangerous and suicidal) to disturb someone. So it's not an oxymoron to hear loud shouts/screams/curses during siesta. These come from people who value this sacred time and they are addressed at the other 'malakes' who don't and who themselves engage in all sorts of activities which they cannot find another time but this to practice, such as drilling, hammering, furniture rearrangement, high-speed motorcycle drive-by's (no shooting though) etc.
Greeks enjoy the fine art of dance. If you tease them for it, they will promptly curse you out in Greek to show their intellectual superiority, then castrate and decapitate you, just to prove a point.
The principal transport means in the whole country is by donkey (75% of all employed Greeks drive an ass to work). Donkeys replaced the cars and the buses a few years ago, because the country can't afford gas, let alone roads and public transport, anymore. This is probably due to the public debt problem, but nobody knows for sure, because the government ledgers are so messed up. Carpooling for typical employed Greeks means 5 people on a donkey.
The Greek driver is always the best there is, whereas all the rest are just "malakes" (pl. of "malakas") and is an expert in fast driving, but only that. This can be verified by the geometric increase in the number of vehicle accidents every year, hence the favourite motto: "Going nowhere (but the tree) fast".
It is said that the only reason no Greek would drive an F1 car is that they have no horns.
Most Hellenes are divided in two categories: Hellenares and Hellenarades. They are mostly the same thing: People who care for nothing more than football, sex, and themselves. When they cause damage, they always blame others. However there is one difference: Hellenares, in opposite to Hellenarades, have some decency when really needed. It is also said that this process is infecting immigrants as well, with Albanians living in Greece turning into Alvanares and Alvanarades, respectively.
- 100,001% Ancient Hellens
The minorities in Hellasshole are a non-existent paradox, one of the rare known examples of applied anti-matter physics, they are there and they are not there in the same time and place. They are the basic philosophical implications of Nothing. Commonly they are referred to as Nothing by the Hellasshole Government.
There is also the race of "psonia". It is hard to define it but in basic principle it's the young people who believe they are better than everyone else and flaunt it. Similar (or better) to chavs. A psonara (the female) can be spotted on the streets of the rich suburb of Kiffisia with a bird's nest hair style, sipping on a Starbucks frappuchino whereas a psonio (the male) is harder to spot. He has shoulder-length hair or hair-length shoulders, is gorgeous and knows it, very very loud and will hit on anything that moves. Of course, all Greek people use the term loosely for anyone who is annoying them at that moment.
Historically speaking, the Greek alphabet was developed by Athenusus Alphabetus, who was known to have a severe case of ADD (just like every other living Greek), hence the weird letters.
Apparently, even the Greeks don't seem to understand their alphabet... but if you are a stranger, and ask a greek to read a label or something, he will probably grab your ass, cup your face and start double penetration.
Another branch of the alphabet in Greece is known as the Geek language and consists more of numbers than of letters. On the other hand, their numbers consist of letters instead of numbers.
“Greeks have a lot to give us, and I think that personally I'm not big enough to fit all they have to offer.”
It is well known that the ancient Greeks invented three things, civilization, ouzo, and sex. Modern Greeks invented just gyro and frappe, but hey, they have to rest too.
But of course, their biggest and most significant invention has been wrestling. Wrestling dates back to the ancient times, where it was practiced right after theatrical performance, to the delight of every man. Even then, wrestlers had to undergo a lot of training to achieve a
desirable rugged body. So yes, it is thanks to the Greeks that we got such a beautiful and entertaining sport as wrestling today.
Greeks show a particular interest in social topics of the people they know, and they're masters in the art of Culture Making). The process is widely known as ξεκατίνιασμα (ksekatiniasma) in honor of the Greek actress Katina Paxinou, who is thought to be the first person ever to have collected and recorded the proper rules of conduct. After Pericles, of course.
As well as being home to many Gods, Greece has also had its fair share of clever people (who mainly helped make up the Gods). Some philosophers to have lived in the country include Socrates (469BC - 399 BC). He was a teacher, and through his philosophy discussed many ideas that upset some people, including, rather stupidly, the government of the day. He was eventually given a choice of either leaving the country, or to die through drinking poison. As has been well recorded in history, faced with this tough choice, he decided to relocate to Brazil, where he helped the South American nation win 7 world cups, and spoken under the table after every match, introduced by Pele.
Other famous Greek philosophers were Plato and Aristotle, but Socrates ran rings around them with the ball at his feet.
Officially there is equality between the sexes, but women are actually paid less. About 40% of the Greek women are engaged in active employment despite their proper place being at home, taking care of the 'malakas'. Greek women are not liable for obligatory military service and they love it; more time spent in shopping! When divorcing, all belongings are equally split between man and woman as neither of them can come to any compromise. Today a Greek woman may keep her maiden name when marrying and some do just to spite their husband. Greek women only give birth to half as many children, as they did before World War 2; this is probably a master plan of Zionists and Freemasons to reduce the number of Einsteins that have gained the monopoly in the world mind market and that caused many to argue and stop the exports. Arranged marriages are encouraged by law as is the payment of a dowry, so both actually apply but none will talk about it. The average life expectancy for Greek women is 917 years. For men it's 80 because they can only stand the women for 80 years.
Most women (and most men too) refer to (other) men as "malakas" (asshole, dick, jackass, wanker and also buddy, pal). It is cheesy, but becoming increasingly common, for women to use "malakas" to address other women. Studies haven't been conclusive but an increment in women's balls has been cited as a possible reason.
All Turkish and Arabic, but spelled in the Greek alphabet so as to appear as native people's food. It's no secret that before the arrival of Arabs and Turks the main food were stones. Fried stones, stone stir fry, stone soup and stones with Macedonian cream were the favorites of the Greeks. Strangely, the late-night greasy kebab so beloved of the English doesn't seem to be a feature of Greek cuisine.
Perhaps the best movie ever made depicting the light-carrying, shining, famous, ancient and enormous Greek culture and civilization is "My Big Greek Wedding", where with well established scientific methods, the pluralism of the Greek language was proved beyond any doubt along with the origins of modern English in Greek (in fact, the origin of every modern language from Greek). This movie is a favorite of fat bitches who dream of a rich WASPy guy who will sweep her off her feet and beg to get into her bizarre dysfunctional family.
This famous lack of success was mirrored by the sequel, Zorba the Greek, filmed entirely in a Gus Portokalos' restaurant in 1962. The hero, Basil (Ernest Hemingway), arrives in Crete to find that it is inhabited by a peculiar species of bloodthirsty peasant that likes to murder sexy widows and that can't even figure out a way to slide logs down steep hillsides. The heroic Zorba turns out not to be Greek at all, just a misplaced Mexican, so Basil thinks "sod it" and decides to get drunk and dance like an arthritic shepherd like everybody else.
edit Famous People
Greece is the home of many famous people. Socrates, Aristotle and Plato but they died some time ago. Other famous Greeks were Cleopatra, though she moved to Egypt for religious/incestuous reasons. Then the Romans came and religion and the Byzantine Empire so it wasn't until the 20th century that anyone can remember a famous Greek. Well one famous Turk was born in Greece, Thessalonika to be exact: Mustapha Kemal who later became famous for beating the Allies at Gallipoli in 1915-1916. He is now known as Kemal Ataturk and a man no one dares to make fun of in case they are arrested and their website taken down. Attaturk's birthplace in now a museum and has a 24 hour security to prevent Greeks attacking it if they lose against Turkey in football matches.
Other famous Greeks are the singers Demis_Roussos and Nana Mouskouri. Roussos was the Greek version of Tiny Tim or Barry White, though some suspected he was really Luciano Pavarotti's illegitmate half brother. Roussos lost weight and still sings on cruise ships. Mouskouri always wore glasses when she performed which made her look a bit like a librarian. However it is related that back stage she would let her hair down and 'swear like Pireaus sailor unloading suitcases from a passenger ferry'. Celine Dion has acknowledged Mouskouri as an important wardrobe inspiration (though minus the specs).
Jennifer Aniston is worshiped as a god by many Greek woman. Consequently when Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie, the Greek nation declared war on 'chisel face' and to this day Jolie has declined to visit the country for safety reasons. In contrast All Greek women are in love with George Clooney. He also cannot visit Greece in case his smothered to death by fans at Athens airport.
In term of sports, Greeks adore group sports.
Joint champions with the Turks in the friendly sports competitions organized during the last six centuries. These include such events as "rock climbing", "flag hoisting", "flag lowering", "who's fucking flag is that anyway?", "I can't see, it's too dark", "get that fucking goat off the rock, it's eating the flag", "it's okay, it's not our flag" and "fuck the flag, let´s go for the goat"". These games are usually organized on tiny, utterly useless islands, inhabited by goats, to promote local tourism.
Another important sport is arguing. Greeks do it non-stop, the ferocity with which they argue is directly proportional to the amount of frappé/ouzo in their blood at the time, however, even if sober and sleep deprived, they are the stubbornest people this world has yet to spawn. They will get together and talk about any number of topics, not to make conversation, but to, by trial and error, find a topic that is disagreed upon, and then spend the next 5 hours (minus any possible interference with siesta) arguing over it, usually to find that they have the same basic ideas, just with slightly different details. But now, they're satisfied! Toss the Macedonians became Greece's national sport after the conquest of Greece by the 'Greek' Macedonians. No literally, they were forced to toss off Macedonians, but they didn't really mind. How else could they keep such firm bodies? It's not like they had stair master or steroids.
Greece's other national sport is sitting and drinking coffee for hours, preferably outdoors (weather permitting and more often than not it is) in squares or (ideally) by the beach. The average duration of a coffee-drinking session is around 3 hours, but the same group of people can be seen occupying a table for as much as 7-8 hours. During that time, members of the group come and go, others leave to run some errands and then return, by the 4th hour none of the original members is on the table, but don't be fooled, it is the same group of people, as it is so hard to get a table that holding on to yours is often the day's work. This phenomenon explains the outrageous prices of coffee in Greece, as it's actually the space you are paying for (it's essentially real estate business, not catering). For other types of coffee, such as Freddo (based on espresso, inspired by the Italians but only known in Greece) you can pay as much as 7 Euros. On a sunny spring day, one can notice the number of 30 year old people who slothfully sip their coffee in outdoor cafes at 11:30 am on a Wednesday, and surprisingly can afford a 6 Euro Freddo, when they're apparently unemployed.
Before it became Christian, Greece had its own set of Gods. For example, before (the) Madonna, Aphrodite was the Goddess of love, lust and sex, and is thought to have been the most beautiful made up woman of all time. Apollo was the God of music, prophecies and archery, and was strongly associated with the Sun (although nobody bothered to tell NASA this before sending Tom Hanks into space).
In not too specific an order, other Greek gods to have been seen roaming around town after dark are: Hades (of the underworld), Poseidon (sea and horses – though not seahorses), Hera (marriage and childbirth), Dionysus (wine, parties, bit of a dude), Hephaestus (an inflammation of liver tissue), and finally of course Zeus, King of all the Gods.
edit See also
|Greek:||Greek gods - Greek mythology - Greek language - Greek Empire - Byzantine Empire (mostly Greek)|
|Greeks:||Achilles - Alexander the Great - Aristotle - Euripides - Helen of Troy - Heraclitus - Herodotus - Hesiod - Hippocrates - Homer - Homo - Hypocrites - Idiocrates - Mediocrates - Pericles - Phil the Greek - Plato - Plutarch - Pythagoras - Socrates - Sophocles - Testiclēs - Aeschylus - Zorba The Greek|
|Gods & Titans:||Zeus - Poseidon - Aphrodite - Chaos - Chronos - Cholera - Hermaphrodite - Athena - Hades - Prometheus - Uranus|
|Greece:||Ancient Greece - Athens - Sparta - Rhodes - Thermopylae - Delphi - Geece|
|Greecey Food:||Olives - Olive Oil - Wheat - Darth Feta - Ouzo - Souvlaki|
|Greek Ingenuity:||Comedy - Tragedy - Philosophy - Sodomy - Olympic Games|
|Greek Speak:||The Aeneid - The Iliad - The Odyssey - The Destiniad - Oedipus the King|
|Greece | Cyprus | Macedonia | Victoria|