Great Squirrel-Chipmunk War
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|Date: March 1743|
|Place: Some dirty shithole|
|Outcome: A bunch of varmints die|
|Some Squirrel||Some Chipmunk|
|1,547,254 KIA||4,977,566 KIA|
The great squirrel-chipmunk war was sparked by the increasingly growing population of squirrels in Deerfield during the time of 1743. These squirrels, who held nightly bacchanals, soon disturbed the previously peaceful, nurturing neighborhood that had been established by the chipmunks. The resident chipmunks, alarmed by the wild, raucous behavior exhibited by the squirrels, soon organized social action groups and committees which would later serve as the models for human revolutionary groups such as the 1st Continental Congress in America.
The Tension Builds
Many attempts to keep the peace were led by famous chipmunk rights activist Cashew McNutterbutter, such as the 300 foot march. Considering how difficult it is to keep the interest of hundreds of chipmunks for more then 12 seconds, this distance is truly remarkable. However, despite efforts such as these, the bulk of the population wanted a war, and with the help of General Chuby-Cheeks, this was made possible.
The Dawn Of War
The first battle was held on a bird bath next to the house of Miss Petunia Collins, a charming pediatric gynachologist who loved collecting stamps and knitting, on March 2, 1743. At 6:00 in the morning, 75 chipmunks and 35 squirrels met at the bird bath. At 6:03 and 45 seconds, just as the military leaders had done the customary bow to one another and the referee had flipped the coin, they were all scared away by a "small but ferocious looking chickadee", states Private Snickers. He continued to say, "we could have taken him, we just didn't want to..."
The second battle of the war was fought at the apple tree, now called the memorial tree. The battle was short and blody. The Chipmunks were outmanned and outgunned.
The Tragic Conclusion
The third and final battle was fought on the great old cherry tree that once had been common ground, and had even, in times of peace, been the site of a popular shopping center. Sadly, as the fight was about to start, an "immature punk named Cesar Garcia" decided he wanted to try out his new saw and proceeded to cut down the tree despite the soldiers cries of mercy. He was later questioned about his actions; he responded "How am I supposes to understand what 'Help!' sounds like in chipmunk?" Although the punk claimed that he "could not tell a lie", the victims' family members doubt the validity of his claims of innocence to the squirrels' and chipmunks' plight, and legal proceedings are underway. The only survivors of the great axing were two chipmunks and one half-dead squrrel. But those two chipmunks were scaredy-cats (Or is it that they were scared of the cats who had began investigating the carnage? History is vague here...) and promptly ran away, making the squirrels the victors. The great war ended at 6:47, even though the public and the majority of the press had lost interest by 6:00 and 42 seconds.
Sadly, until this time, humanity has not for the most part known of the Great Squirrel-Chipmunk War. For some odd reason, history classes tend to focus on the Revolution, the Civil War, and the World Wars. Just another sign of our failing educational system...
Or Is It?
Recent rumors of the deveopment of a new breed of super squirrel called a peruvian nerve squirrel by Kushan, Galactic conquest's leading mad scientist, have sparked an arms race between the forces of squirrel and chipmunk. It is believed that the chipmunks are developing Nukular Bombs, but since the UN can't find weapons inspector's small enough to investigate, no one knows for sure.