Great Pirate-Ninja conflict
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
It is a proven fact that pirates and ninjas are polar opposites, thusly there is a theory that neither could get along very well with the other. This theory is proven by the fact that there is a war going on, as of this very second waged between both of these great forces. It is rumored that the conflict between the two came about because of the story of Ninja God and Pirate God.
“Whilst Pirate and Ninja once sat and played Jenga in Peace, Pirate had his minions deviously sneak up and cut one of the legs off the great Jenga table. When Ninja saw the tower fall Pirate bellowed "JENGA! I WIN!" But Ninja knew of the conspiracy and dedicated himself and his warriors to fighting Pirate ever since.”
Pirates, with their allies: Canada, and the First Bank of America, have been on the downside of the war since the 1800's, when they lost many of their numbers to infighting, general chaos and Chuck Norris turning rogue on them. The only reason that they are still considered in the war is the little known fact that ninjas can't swim. The ninja's one true weakness is water, which is where pirates mainly dwell. The only other foothold, along side the ocean, that pirates have been able to claim exclusively is the internet, or as they call it, "Intraweb".
Due to the ninja's contacts, they covertly own 90% of the world's super weapons, having disguised their storage buildings under the guise of one "Microsoft" and, due to overwhelmingly trivial means, have constructed the first weapon that can be seen from space and is yet invisible. This weapon codenamed "the Bermuda Triangle" is the pinnacle of Ninja tech, though they maintain their cover by claiming it was created by aliens. From the extraterrestrials, there was no comment, though, "I hate ninjas" shirt sales doubled overnight in the Andromeda galaxy.
The ninjas once had a great ally in the Catholic Church, and trained the most elite warriors for their personal armies. The Clinjas were once incorporated into ninja armies, but after the Pirate-Ninja Alliance, where the ninjas failed to save them from the invading cowboys. The Clinjas consequently seceded over to work solely for the Vatican and the Pope, and the ninja forces no longer enjoy the safety they once brought.
History of the Wars
Among their various personal exploits, pirates and ninjas make it a point to fight each other whenever possible; this has remained true through history since the beginning of time.
- 1337 BC - A group of rogue pirates destroy an entire colony of internet nerds. There was much rejoicing.
- 1340 BC - The first skirmish between pirates and ninjas takes place on a small island, where the pirate-ninja peace treaty was signed.
- 1344 BC - The Emperor of Super Asia, Bruce Lee, brings his ninjas together under a unified banner.
- 1331 BC - The first Pirate King, Bobobo-bo-bobo-bo, begins to maraud the coasts of Super Asia.
- 1320 AD - The Emperor is killed and the ninjas split off from the Super Asian government to battle the pirates on their own. They elect their greatest and stealthiest warrior, The Real Randy Jackson, as their first Ninja Emperor, he in turn elected the various Ninja Shogun into the hierarch.
- 1374 AD - Ninjas develop Tango.
- 49 BC - Pirates form a nation known as The free republic of Punta del Este, in the territory known as Chile today.
- 39 BC - Psychic Ninjas announce the creation of Pirate-land. In response, the construction of Death Doom Star Planet Boobulon-5 begins.
- 1300-1910 BC-AD - Hundreds of Skirmishes on all manner of battlefield take place. Also, America is discovered by the Cowboys but later it is lost by the Pirates. It is found again by the Ninjas, but that's in 2015 AD.
- 1780 AD - The Hare Krishna's started to attack pirates with neir ninjas and almost wiped them out. However, the pirates ended up victorious
- 2000 AD - The second Punic War ends, thus leaving the Ninjas and Pirates to fight again, now that they are not bound to be mercenaries to the Romans.
- 2007 AD - Optimus Prime takes Mr. Robotos' place as Shogun of Strength ushering in a new a age of anti-Decepticon/Ninja technology. Mr. T like wise joins the Pirate forces and introduces the "G.R.I.L.L."(Giant Robotic Intelligent Locking-Laser)With these two leaders of power, victory looks grim for the ninjas...
- 2008 AD - Chuck Norris will join the Ninja cause. Game over Pirates, GAME OVER!!! Jackie Chan will lead the following crusade to kill any survivors.
- 2009 AD - It is unsure what will happen after this point but it is assumed that Chuck Norris will travel to a Pirate planet to blow it up by applying one swift roundhouse kick.
The Great Pirate-Ninja Alliance
Contrary to popular belief, these two forces painstakingly allied with one another in the 1880's in order to fight off their greatest threat, the cowboys. The two forces would not have even considered doing this, if it weren't for the cowboys having teamed up with the samurai, vikings, and later the mobsters. The cowboys, eventually, were able to remove the ninja's foothold in the Vatican (a long time ally of the ninja's), and take over with intent to "yippi-ky-yay" the world. Asking for help was never the ninja way, but one brave ninja (known only as Muhammad Ali), went to the pirates and eventually convinced them to plunder Vatican City. After this the weary allies decided that the threat of the cowboy alliance was too large, and decided to take them downtown. This is most likely why you never see any cowboys.
The Great Pirate-Ninja Alliance came to an abrupt end in 1900 when the Fierce Pirate King discovered that the Ninjas were stealing his chef Boyardee ravioli. In response the Fierce Pirate King broke the Treaty of Destiny and killed the first son of the Ninja Emperor. They have resumed their bitter conflict ever since.
Current Warfare Tactics
Ever since the Great Conflict began, Ninjas and Pirates both have made great casualties on both sides. Shurikens, Sticks, Swords and Ninja Stars have been used to kill, be killed, or be raped. Weapons such as the Xbox and Playstation 3 were used as nuclear weapons. Sony decided to convert the Playstation 3 bomb into a videogame toy. Nintendo, a secret ally of pirates, originally developed the Nintendo Wii to be used as a lightsaber and uber-raping device should the pirate in question be unable to obtain wood. This explains the Wii's explosive inarweb popularity.
Some significant battles include:
- The Battle of Changa-Manga-Hyu (Located in Bosnia, Japan) - Pirate forces came in through the west beachfront, but soon forgot to fight when the sun hit their skins and they decided to tan instead. The Pirates won by peeing on the foreheads of Ninja, thus making them disappear.
- Battle of 1812 (Located in America, New York) - American forces were awaiting the arrival of Christopher Columbus to discover America. They were greeted with an unpleasant surprise, the Ninjas, which flew in on Goku Clouds. The Americans were shocked, and therefore hid in the sand. The pirates, which were under the Treaty of England-America-Pirates Amigos Treaty, were forced to help America. Since the Ninjas thought they were bigshots, they were unprepared for war when the Pirates came. This also became known as the War of 1812 or The Great Slaughter of the Ninjas.
- The Quarrel of Daffy Duck's Penis - Most of the records for this battle have been unrecovered, due to most modern people completely unable to read Chinese. This document initially took several years to recover, because it was hidden in a .zip file. The zip algorithm wasn't invented until Tom Ed created it.
- The Evil Presley Persistance - Was a move American Pirates made to influence Chinese Ninjas, specifically the clan of Overgrown Pubic Hair, to force them to cede back into infinite spite. The Pirates were unsuccessful because Elvis Presley recently died while carrying out an interview on 60 Minutes. The Pirates have thus hidden themselves somewere in the darkness of the Ukraine, awaiting the Ninjas of Overgrown Pubic Hair.
- Silver Condor - Way back in ancient 1996AD disgraced pirate Darragh McClegg was made to walk the plank backwards. As his vessel was checked by the maritime health and safety inspectors it had a lifeboat (used for storing rum) attached to it which he used to row to the island known as Silver Condor. However, a cunning pair of ninja had accidentally seen him, and decided to ambush him. McClegg was of course well and truly pissed on a whole ship's store of rum, so when he landed on the shores of Silver Condor he immediately kicked off an argument with the nearest tree who, so the legend goes, insulted his mother. The ninja took the opportunity to attack just as McClegg raised his fist to the tree. The smell of his armpits caused the ninja to choke, allowing McClegg to beat them, and the nearby trees, to submission.
The Ninja Clan of the Silent Pointy Stick
The Ninja Clan of the Silent Pointy Stick has recently allied itself with a small group of pirates in order to defeat the nefarious Lord Tetris, also known as Kaija.
The current master of the Ninja Clan of the Silent Pointy Stick is Lord Master Jacobson, who rules from his bubble of ninja boredom. His real title is much too long to remember. They have recently allied themselves with Clinjas!
The LumberjacksStarted in the early 1960's, the Lumberjacks formed from a splinter faction of ninjas, secretly working as double agents for the pirates, found each other out. Knowing that they could never truly expose any others to a higher form of government, they decided to break away, and form the Lumberjacks. Although not much has been heard from them as of late, they have been said to be rising up from the underground to attempt and take down either the pirate or ninja empire, which ever one has more sausage at the current time. The lumberjack's current head of jacking is (based on unconfirmed reports) Charles Barkley, who has been very outspoken in this battle, writing many books, written in code. He is a very skilled codetalker and manages to spread lumberjack propoganda through these books, even though they still sound like mildly-coherent English.
Recently in the Pirate-Ninja Conflict
Since the reign of the current Ninja shogun began, the Ninja have begun to use new (some say more controversial) tactics. These tactics may include such things as huffing kittens (for it is well known fact that pirates are scared of kittens) and enlightening themselves in the Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. It is also rumoured that Ninja's have begun talking with the Jedi hoping to get super force powers as well as wicked sweet lightsabers. The Jedi are refusing since they have already sided with the Pirates in the supply's of Lightsabers. Although they are being supplied with cybernetic enhanced body parts.
- The current Pirate King: Monkey D. Luffy
- The current Pirate King of prophecy: Bobby Henderson
- The current Pirate King first mate: Maddox
- The current Pirate King of Alcohol: Blackbeard
- The current Pirate King of Badass: Captain Jack Sparrow
- The current Pirate King of Communism: Karl Marx
- The current Ninja Shogun of Strength: Optimus Prime
- The current Ninja Shogun of Stealth: Grimace
- The current "Other" Ninja Shogun: Michael Jackson
- The current Ninja Shogun of Ramen: Naruto
Most recent battle: Tomorrow at noon