Great Mormon-Catholic War
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|Great Mormon-Catholic War|
Various pot smokers
| Joseph Stalin-Smith|
| The Pope|
| Military dead:|
| Military dead:|
“You stupid Mormons, if you will not stop sending those danged guys on bikes to Vatican City every other minute, it's WAR!!”
“Such a tragedy. I sure wish I could have seen it.”
“This war never happened.”
Early in the year 1492, a conflict between the Pope and some Mormon missionaries escalated into what is now known as the Great Mormon-Catholic War. The Great Mormon-Catholic War was a devastating series of battles between Mormons and Catholics, taking place in almost every corner of the world including Tonga and was one of the causes of the birth of both Satanism and Scientology in the year 2001.
edit The Cause
All was quiet in the Pope's house, except for Satan, who had just finished closing the deal with Benedict XVI to sell the souls of 5 million Catholics in exchange for a box of Cuban cigars. Suddenly the doorbell rang 3 times in one second. The Pope, being old, could not get to the door that fast and subsequently had a stroke. But using his heat vision healing powers, he flew over to the door and answered it. This is an actual quote of the Pope's when he saw who it was:
“WTF?!?!? You @#$^@%$ Mormons leave me alone! I mean it!”
The Pope slammed the door. However, he had only gone 5 steps when the bell rang again. It was the Mormons, but different ones. These are his actual words:
“WTF?!?!? You @#$^@%$ Mormons leave me alone! I mean it!”
He slammed the door and walked away. Yet once again, the doorbell rang. This time Satan opened the door. When he/she/it saw the Mormons, he/she/it unleashed a mighty fireball that pwned the annoying Mormon n00bs. The Pope declared war on all Mormons then and there. This is the actual quote:
“I, the Pope, hereby declare war on all Mormons and the occasional grue here and there. Benny numbah sixteeeen, foo'. What?”
Satan immediately allied himself with the Pope, creating an alliance in which Satan and Benedict XVI were allied. Random monkeys were also drafted into the army of Catholics and demons. When Joseph Stalin-Smith heard the Pope's declaration he took immediate action. He called up the Ur-Grue and cut a deal. In return for military support, grues could run Las Vegas and Atlantic City. Chuck Norris was mixed in for propaganda reasons. And so began one of the least publicized wars of our time, their time, his time, and even your time. Time.
edit The First Battle of Yuma
The Pope wasted no time in backing up his declaration of war. He immediately addressed the Catholic people to fight in the so-called Fourth Crusade. This time, they would not be heading to Jerusalem (It had been destroyed in 1801 by a group of radical Bensonists), the Catholics were going to Yuma, Arizona, home to the largest Mormon population outside of Utah in the world, and also the world's largest ball of twine. The 1st Crusader Legion would be accompanied by a battalion of 2nd-level demons. Random monkeys were also drafted as well as a horde of Locusts.
edit The Mormon Resistance
Contary to popular belief, the Mormons did not draft Chuck Norris into their army. He was busy creating posters to help him get peanut butter and pillows. Chuck was in Yuma when the first attack began. The Mormons (and Chuck) were completely taken by suprise. An emergency fighting force (the Foo Fighters) were called in to fight off the enemy fighters, but the Foo Fighters weren't good enough to win the fight.
edit The Aftermath
In the end, the Mormons were routed, buttkicked, and crushed. They were also pwned. The Catholics took only one prisoner: Chuck Norris. The first battle of the war was a solid victory for the Pope, Satan, and Moe.
edit Reclaiming Yuma
The news traveled quickly. Joseph Stalin-Smith was shocked at how easily the Catholics had taken Yuma. He called in some Shocktrooper grues to aid with what would become known as Reclaiming Yuma. The grues would help out a group of Mormons from Salt Lake City, armed with Books of Mormon and striped ties. In a publicized statement, Joseph Stalin-Smith said that:
“We will fight them on land, on sea, and even on BENSON's page, and we will fight for Mormons!”
Mormons were quickly organized into units. General Brigham Old would command the assault on Yuma. He quickly set up a phalanx of covered wagon catapults to launch the Book of Mormons onto Yuma. Pioneers volunteered to head up the catapults. The Ur-Grue handpicked his Shocktrooper grues and gave them FLAMETHROWERS!!!!!! Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah! Ahem. Sorry. The Mormon-Grue army was assembled and slowly surrounded the city of Yuma.
edit First Strike
The CII (Catholic Inquisition Intelligence) head, Cardinal Peter MCLXVI, bashed open the door to the Pope's private quarters. "Pope, Pope, there's a crisis at hand!!!" he yelled. The Mormons had surrounded the city! Enraged, the Pope left his milk bath and gave the order to counter attack. Cauldrons of molten holy cheese were immediately prepared, and Bibles were thumbed through and marked. But suddenly, the first covered wagon catapult fired its load of Book of Mormons. The holy books sailed through the air accompanied by the cry, "Remember the Yumalo!" then they slowly fell down. Catholics screamed and pushed and hit to get out of the way. The Book of Mormons exploded as they hit the ground, engulfing the straggling Catholics in righteous fury. Then, the rest of the 50 covered wagon catapults fired their loads. This is the Pope's actual quote:
edit The Catholics fight back
Then, as suddenly as it began, the bombardment stopped. "Prepare the Bible bombs! Load the holy water guns! Attack! Attack!" the Pope screamed. The remaining Catholics burst into action. They counterattacked the Mormons with falling Bibles, using the same military technology as the enemy. Machine guns loaded with holy water sprayed anti-demonizing purity everywhere. Mormons writhed in agony, screaming for relief. Joseph Stalin-Smith looked at the desolation and gave one order:
“Send in the grues!!!!!!!”
A grand total of ten grues armed with flamethrowers stepped forward. The grues attacked the Catholics and remaining demons with their gruesome violence. First they used the flamethrowers to deep fry the Catholics and then they ate them like popcorns. When the victory movie finished, the grues went to combat the demons. Fire would not work on them, so the grues ate them raw. The Pope escaped using his eye beams and his flying abilities. The grues, after finishing their meal, were sent in to rescue Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris roundhousekicked the grues out of Yuma (after all, he is Chuck Norris). The grues almost ate this article, but thanks to BENSON, the grues' appetites were satiated.
edit Satan Pulls Out
After the humiliating defeat at Yuma, Satan thought it would be wise to end his involvement in the Great Mormon-Catholic War. He was facing problems in his own realm, and the war did not help. Despite protests from the Pope and Moe, the random monkey king, Satan raised the white flag like a little Frenchman and fled down to hell. Weenie.
edit Tonga: The Next Assault
After retaking Yuma, President Joseph Stalin-Smith thought it wise to go on the offensive. However, the Pope made the first move. Although weakened by the loss of Satan and his army, he pushed forward to a little-known Mormon stronghold in the South Pacific Ocean: Tonga.
edit The Catholic Push
Early morning, 12 June 1999. Polynesian Mormons went around their daily routine, unsuspecting of the destruction about to happen. One such Tongan, named Hikilokataki, which translated means, "Ugly Monkey Human." This is his story. Not yours.
First a little about Hiki, as his neighbors called him. His favorite activities are berry picking, tree climbing, tag, killing white men, eating pudding with cool whip, bungee jumping, killing white men, fishing with a machete, killing white men, and killing albino monkeys that look like white men. He was well known on Uncyclopedia for huffing lame articles like this one. In fact, Captain Obvious once remarked,
“Hikilokataki does not like white men.”
Hiki also had a monster locked up in his body.
edit The Catholic Push (resumed)
Early in the morning, a squadron of B-KJV Catholic Bombers took off from Vatican Airways. They had a mission: to bomb the heck out of some brown people who lived on an island. The bombers flew over Tonga and opened the hatch. EXTRA LARGE PRINT Bibles dropped toward Tonga, bringers of doom. Hiki was walking quietly with his friend Bololololo when an EXTRA LARGE PRINT Bible crushed "Bolo". Then the Bible a-sploded. Hiki was blown back and hit his head on a tree. Then he saw the armies.
edit It's HIKI time!!
A Mormon army and a Catholic army charged from opposite sides of the island. Book of Mormons vs. Bibles. Stalin-Smith vs. XVI. All on Tonga. Hiki had never seen so many white men in one place. He began to get angry. Suddenly his body started deforming. He became five times larger than any Polynesian ever. He then shouted:
“It's HIKI time!!!”
For a second, everything stopped. Then Hiki started ripping off heads. One grue, who had been brought along by the Mormons, tried to attack Hiki. But it only bit off Hiki's foot before he smooshed it. At this, Stalin-Smith and the Pope ordered a full retreat. When the white men were gone, Hiki calmed down. He said:
“That was fun.”
And so ended The Battle of Tonga, with neither side coming out victor.
edit V-C Day
After getting buttkicked at Tonga, Mormons knew that it was their turn to strike first. So, after martyring Joseph Stalin-Smith, Gen. Brigham Old laid down the plan. Code-named Operation Jackie Chan, the Mormons would initiate the largest land and sea invasion since Star Wars. The invasion would take place on V-C Day, which does not mean anything at all. Stop reading this now. After one week, the day arrived. 12 million Mormons parachuted into Vatican City, armed with Book of Mormon rifles. Catholics shielded by bunkers shot down the stupid fool Mormons with Holy Cheese machine guns.
edit The Outcome
The Mormons overwhelmed the Vatican by sheer number and stormed through the city, waving banners that had something to do with "Liberty" that appeared to be made of an animal coat or skin.
Six years later, the remaining Catholic forces (numbering at almost 1 billion) took back the Vatican. Six years were required because the remaining Catholics were headed off by Tom Hank's and Dan Brown's collaborative top-secret Mormon media project, code-named "Enoch's pwning", more commonly known as the hit novels and blockbusters, The Davinci Code and Angels and Demons.
edit Uncyclopedia: The Final Battlefield
At the dawn of the 21st Century, Mormons and Catholics aboandoned fighting on land and settled on flamewars on Uncyclopedia. If you are witness to one such flamewar, chances are it was between a Catholic and a Mormon. After 9/11, though, Mormons and Catholics realized the stupidity of fighting continually, and so, they banded together to declare war on Muslims. But that's a different war.
edit Effects of the War
After the Great Mormon-Catholic War officially ended, people were so tired of fighting and of their religions that Tom Cruise invented Scientology as an escape, like an emo kid cuts his wrists. Scientology had a brief but memorable run right after 9/11, but it gradually lost popuularity with the introduction of reason. Another branch off of the war was Satanism, where cult members worship the Prince of Darkness in catacombs and in malls. But after Satan's weenie actions during the war were revealed to the public, people left him, too.