The Great Flood
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The Great Flood, distinct from the Mediocre Flood, is the absolutely true and totally proven story of how God killed every living thing on earth during his week off from watching Heavenly Definition TV. It is in the Guinness Book of Records for two reasons: it is the greatest act of genocide in history and the story includes the greatest do-it-yourself project of all time. The DIY project in question is Noah's home made ocean liner, the Ark™.
God, the silly cunt, pulled the pin out of a hand grenade and didn't like it when it blew up in his face. The lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart (even though thoughts originate from the brain) was only evil all the time.6:5 Well you made us you daft bastard! Anyway, he was seriously pissed off right now and decided to kill men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air.6:7 Delightful fellow, isn't he?
According to the Bible Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked with God.6:10 You start to get an idea how big a problem man's "wickedness" really was when you find out what a twat Noah was. He was a drunkard and a child abusing shit faced pervert. When he drank some wine, he became drunk and lay stark bollock naked inside his tent9:21. Ham, the father of Bacon, went in to get some Budweiser when he tripped over his dad, lying starkers on the floor. He almost passed out from the laughing fit he fell into. His two brothers walked in to find out what was so funny, but they where as drunk as their father and walked in backwards. They sprayed their father with whipped cream and canned tuna and brought the cat into the tent. They recorded the cat licking the cream and tuna from their dad with their mobile and uploaded it to YouTube.
As you can imagine, Noah was pretty pissed when he woke up. Luckily he never found out his sons had put a video of him on YouTube. He was still pissed enough to force Bacon into being a slave to his two brothers. Seeing what a wanker, what a worthless, pig-fucking, cock master Noah was, you can get some idea of how bad the rest of the world was. You can almost sympathize with that old arsehole, God. So Noah was the most righteous man on earth, and god must preserve his righteous genes (not selfish genes in other words).
Noah built the Ark™ himself, from start to finish. Although it doesn't mention it in the Bible, God gave Noah access to cutting edge technology to help him finish the project including 3 supercomputers, a wind tunnel, 57 CNC machine tools including lathes and directional saws and a lumber yard 3 km2 in size. The reason why God gave Noah a wind tunnel is that he originally intended the Ark™ to be a flying vessel, but God realized that, cool as it would be, a flying vessel would probably be impractical in this instance.
The Ark™ was 300 cubits (140m) long, 50 cubits (23m) wide and 30 cubits (13.5m) high. The Ark™ was made entirely of wood, without any metal struts. Yeah right; how the fuck could a leak proof vessel that size be made entirely of wood? Simple: God gave Noah access to a magical lumber yard full of magical lumber. The magic wood is made of the same material as the NASA Space Shuttle heatsink (polyhydroxybenzolgaywodal phosphate). God also provided a high volume drainage system to pump out all water that leaked in.
Storage of living things on the Ark™
God had put a lot of effort creating humans (blowing into dirt and messing around with a rib) and didn't want to completely destroy mankind or life during the flooding of earth. God had a brainstorming session to figure out how to do this. The first idea was to bring along a male and a female of each "kind" of animal.6:19 God thought that there wouldn't be a very large gene pool left after the flood if he did that so he increased it to 7 of every "clean" animal. 7:2 God came to the conclusion that this would be impracticable: a vessel that size couldn't house that many animals or enough food to feed them for however many days the vessel would be afloat; the Bible is a little sketchy on that.
It was around this time that Richard Dawkins called God and suggested that he should store the creatures genes, because genes are cooler and more selfish that animals. Richard also pointed out that there is more than just animals living on the surface of the earth.
So God commanded Noah to store 65,345,098 vials of DNA on the Ark™ in specially refrigerated rooms. God provided all the vials of DNA and all the hardware needed, including: 150kg of liquid nitrogen stored in 10 tanks and various different storage cases which would be cooled by liquid nitrogen. God also provided all the enzymes, bacteria, computers and robot arms needed to replicate and hence preserve the DNA for the duration of the flood.
Even though God had decided to store the DNA of land bearing animals, plant, prokaryotes and viruses, he had instructed many animals across the world including sloths, snails, worms, polar bears and penguins to attend the party, and he didn't want to let them down. Therefore some animals were let on after all. Not too many though. Noah took a photo using his new digital camera to show the last animals boarding the Ark™.
Just before the flood started the lord shut Noah into the ark.7:16 (apparently Noah was capable of building the largest leak proof wooden vessel the earth has ever known, but is incapable of shutting a door) We don't know for sure how long the flood lasted - it was either 40 days and 40 nights7:17 or 150 days7:24. The Bible contradicts itself there. The Bible has a habit of repeating itself, it repeats itself a lot, yes the Bible truly does repeat itself a lot. It certainly lets us know what happened during the flood, in case we didn't know:
- The waters rose and increased greatly on the earth.7:18
- They rose greatly on the earth.7:19
- I am... going to destroy... every creature that has the breath of life in it.6:17
- Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in it's nostrils died.7:22
- Every living thing on the surface of the earth was wiped out.7:23
The height of the flood is unknown, but a large amount of bones from animals were found in the upper 150m region of Mount Everest, suggesting a flood height. The excess water came from...uh....a Vogon interstellar fleet.
After the flood God "sent" the physical phenomenon of distraction, hence allowing humans to view a rainbow. God had originally made light from photons (bundles of energy)1:3 but then realized he had to change them to waves to allow diffraction and superposition. This is where all the confusion in quantum mechanics lies. Anyway, God sent the rainbow as a promise that he will never send a world wide flood again, thus winning the Nobel peace prize along with Mikhail Gorbachev, Jimmy Carter, Al Gore and Mother Sadist.
It should be noted that the only species to be wiped out from the flood were unicorns, dragons, mer-people (meraids and mermen) and pixies. Fish were noted to have an unfair advantage with reproduction, as no fish or water dwelling mammals were reported to have died. No one really knows why penguins bothered going to the ark.
Another victim was sanitation, birds fouled the boat so badly they were banned, and went on a year long sabbatical.