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The humble Grape (pl. Grapes, adj Grape-like, Grape-ish, Grape-esque) is a small, succulent fruit famous for being the primary ingredient in most wines, beers and spirits, and also enjoys the distinction of being the only known vertibrate fruit. It comes in three basic flavours: white, purpley, and wrath. Grapes are also known to be the most flirtacious of all fruits, forming hybrid babies with other foods, leading to children that nobody really likes. Because of this, the grape family is very large. Some well-known distant relatives are the Grapefruit, Grapenut, Grapeshot, Tentacle Grape, The Grape White Shark, The Grape Wall of China, and Kevin Bacon. Currently the Grape Family is very influential, owning large parts of the French Countryside, where they form countless offspring to use in their cannabalistic wine. A grape once killed my father, so I adopted a new one. We set up grape defenses (land mines, machine guns, Nancy Pelosi, the standard) and were never bothered again.
How is am, the grape?
Glad you asked. Grapes grow on trees, where they are harvested by French peasants and trained monkeys (who are also French), who knock the grapes out of the trees with long sticks. The grapes are then de-spined obliterated and bottled, then depending on the size and quality of the grape, are sent to an appropriate alcoholic beverage factory. The most juiciest, purpliest grapes are made into wine, whereas the scraggliest runty ones go to the white cider distillery. The now drinkable grapes are consumed by the buyer. The grapes which are not worthy to be drunk are poured on French blouses to freshen them up.
Some people will tell you that Grapes grow off of vines, but this is simply a cruel stereotype that emerged in the era of segregation. They do, in fact, grow off of trees.
The enigma of this spined fruit made it an obvious potential candidate for fulfilling man's ageless dream of crossing small fruit with primates. Swiss scientists managed to successfully splice grape DNA with that of the greater mountain gorilla in the year of our Lord 1992, using test tubes and stuff like that. The experiment was a great success with Dr Herzkoff Bork, the head geneticist on the project, declaring Grape Apes to be "the juiciest and purpleyest monkeys I ever ate".
The Grape Family was reluctant at first to include this test-tube relative into their ranks, but after many wacky hijinx together thwarting Baron Von Hatekill's evil plans and saving christmas, they've become fast friends. Baron Von Hatekill, however, was not amused, and has since sworn to "Destroy those meddling Grapes!".
The grape is a fruit, I already said that, but in 1974 the grape was temporarily reclassified as a nut by the FDA, in order to support the Vietnam war effort. This is because nuts are harder than fruits and don't go rotten as quickly, making them much more suitable for intercontinental transportation and thereby much easier to deliver to desperate grape-less troops on the front lines. When the war was over, grapes were reclassified as fruit again.
This specific relative of the Grape Family was welcomed into the family with open arms. They at first were a model citizen, getting amazing grades in high school, helping old Grapes across the street, and generally being nice. However, they were never the same after Vietnam. They lost an arm, en eye, and, most importantly, they lost hope. They suffered alienation after returning, and, not able to get a job, turned to alchohol and drugs to sate their foracious apetite for adventures that had long since died. Yes, things looked grim for Grape Nut. However, through many power ballads and years of withdrawl, they managed to pull through and become a model Grape again. In 1999, Grape Nut released a solo album thanking his friends and family for standing by him.
Consumption of red grapes has been linked with a degenerative nerve disease colloquially known as "Red Grape Disease". Recent studies have shown that eating a mere handful of red grapes a day can greatly increase the risk of developing red grape disease. Like many seedless vertibrates, the red grape contains a spine, but no seeds. Recent studies suggest that red grape disease may be caused by the reproductive process of red grapes, a phenomenon which red grape expert Dr. Roger Lodge describes as "a confusing and terrible process that, frankly, scares the hell out of me".
Many accidents related to grapes can be attributed to the little-known but well-established fact that at least one grape in every bunch is evil and/or vengeful.
The Grape in Popular Culture
In the 1975 blockbuster Jaws, Cap'n Quint initially believes the titular great white shark to be "some kind of giant grape".
It has been noted that people of the African descent are naturally attracted to grape flavored products such as purple drink.
In the Seinfeld episode The Jockstrap, Jerry and George compete to see who can go the longest without shaving. Jerry wins by default when George chokes to death on a grape.
John Williams is a famous grape aficionado, and frequently attends film premieres with his face painted purple to show his love for the fruit.
Rosie O'Donnell, a revered grape lover, Once threw a ten hour long "I'm Ape For Grape" parade in which he "dressed" as a large gorilla in full Greek toga regalia, being fed bunches of grapes in a golden bath tub by lesbian slaves wearing Ann Coulter masks. The party was said to be the most vile monstrosity and abuse of power ever known to man and even made your mom run crying into the arms of evil sex villain, Tila Tequila. It lasted from 11 PM to 9 AM from June 13th to 14th 2008.
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