Granite

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Among Earth's rocks, granite stands out as one of the most durable...and conservative. Formed by an ignominious intrusion at considerable depth, granite commonly forms large batholiths, laccoliths, lumpoliths, and chunkoliths deep underground. Weathering, faulting, and geological indigestion may later expose this reclusive rock.

Formation and Composition

Granite contains good grey conservative minerals like quartz, feldspar, and houndstooth tweed. Often black crystals of plagiarize form, along with dark green Mediterranean olivine and pink crystals of Spam®.

Tombstone1

A pink granite tombstone from the AOL graveyard. Pink granite has an unusually high proportion of Spam in it -- usually spam, spam, feldspar, spam, olivine, spam and spam.

The formation of granite starts when silica-rich but depressed materials like beer bottles and cinderblocks sink deep into the Earth's interior. At a depth of roughly 30 kilometers the heat from the upper levels of Hell (the "mantle") melts the sinking junk and its mood immediately improves. It becomes what geologists term an ellubient magma.

Precisely because molten rock is more ellubient than solid rock the molten magma begins to rise again. It pushes its way upward, displacing the rock above it and causing earthquakes, vicious gossip amongst other strata, and geological upheaval, until its originally buoyant mood once more cools and it become lethargic. Then the mass of magma stops moving, switches on the TV, and watches reruns of "High Chaparral" until it falls asleep.

Gradually the napping granite intrusion cools and forms a solidified mass. These masses of granite can be anything from the size of the Sydney Opera House to the size of Taiwan. Because solid granite resists erosion an uplifted granite intrusion often ends up surprised to find itself at the crest of some mountains or some other exposed spot. Embarrassment may then cause the granite to exfoliate or otherwise express emotional vulnerability.

Industrial and Comedic Uses

Because it is so conservative granite finds use as building stone for banks, churches, orphanages, prisons, castles, and tombstones. (Lighter and more liberal stone is used for welfare offices, space stations, internet terminals, and hybrid vehicles.)

Large granite slabs (usually 16 tons in weight) are used for dropping on people who have ceased to be funny. We, however, have a tin hat which will protect us when the 16-ton weight drops on us.

It is also used by cruel professors to torture novice geologists who have an idea that granite is a shiny fine grained black rock.

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