|Grandpa's Stories (file info)|
|Uncyclopedia has an audio version of this incoherent rambling.|
See, back in my day we didn't have any of these new-fangled internets or computing machines: we had pain! I had pain every day of my life for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it was served Cold, like the Cold War which is another thing none of you kids have any knowledge about, either! Don't you realize that I had to fight in Korea?
And they're still fighting in Korea today
All split up, North and South, and let me tell you something else, General MacArthur was the best thing that ever has happened to this country, I cried when he gave his farewell address, over the radio, mind you, 'cause television was relatively new back then, didn't have the technology of today, we didn't have microwaves either, or Pop Tarts, or Playboy, or muffins, or candy, or the moon! I remember when Americans discovered the moon for the first time back in the 50's it was, and Kennedy swore he'd get us there, and he did, by gum, chewing gum!
That's something we didn't have
Unlike you you whipper-snappers of today just go around chewing and popping your gum in people's faces all the time and always keeping those eye-pods in your ears, trying to drain out everything around you with music, not paying attention to the world around you, and what awful music, with your rap and your punk and your metal and your hip-hop, back in the old days if you were white and listened to Chuck Berry you'd be shot on sight, 'cause rock and roll was new back then, I remember your father got into it for a period, almost formed a band and everything, but the teenagers back then, that's when, that's when they got all rebellious-like, when I got back from the war, I know it was hard on your dad me being gone during his formative years, but I got back and he pretended he didn't even know me, just strutting around with his rock music and his leather jacket, fast cars, back then gas was a nickel and cars were huge and there was no oil crisis, heck we didn't care a fig about the Saudis until Carter came along and got us scared that the oil was running out, just like the Global Warming hoax they're trying to frighten us with today and people don't realize the number of conspiracies in this nation,
They really don't cause this nation is full of them
From JFK to Watergate to 9-11 this country has had wool pulled over its eyes more than once, but back when I was a kid, back in the 1930s, things were really bad, and we all had implicit faith in the Government doing right, never questioned it, of course the occasional corrupt politician would get exposed now and again, but that was all part of the life, we were all too busy trying to survive back then, it was WWII that got us out of the Depression, after all, and FDR had the right idea, putting people to work so we could buy bread, I worked for six years in a factory in Poughkeepsie building parts for the war, but I always regretted not having served, that's why I went to Korea, to do my part, of course Millie complained, we'd just had your father, and leaving her alone with him was hard, but I felt a duty to my country and served my four years and then got out, 'cause Korea was no picnic, not as bad, I hear, as Vietnam, now, see, you kids are complaining about Iraq, but we haven't even been in Iraq for five years, Vietnam, well, it really lasted, and cost us a generation of young men,
I think that's why the hippies never worked out
While they were going on about peace and love kids their age same background were out dying in the rice patties, in the rice fields, and you know they'd get back and see these kids just like them smoking pot and sleeping around and not get it, not understand the need to fight when Communism was knocking at the doorstep of that country, and Communism won, by the way, they named the capital Ho Chi Minh City, and split the country in two, just like MacNamara predicted, it was classic domino theory in action, until Reagan came along, at least, Reagan, I grew up on his movies, you see, Reagan understood that the Presidency is nothing more than a part in a movie, and if you play that part well, well, people will love you, but Reagan, that's when the whole Iran thing started, it seems like we've been in the Middle East ever since the 70's, of course, when I was a kid, Israel didn't exist yet, no, it came after the Holocaust, but, I want to ask you kids, do they teach you this stuff in schools? do they bother teaching American History anymore, about Lincoln, and Slavery and, well, I guess these days they teach you about Civil Rights, don't they?
That was all happening when I was at McAllisters
Worked there for about twenty years after Korea, of course your dad knows about it as well, he was a young man during that period, some girl of his went to the Million Man March, but your father and I, and Millie, we didn't get involved back then, 'cause it was dangerous, you'd hear on the radio how some white person had been beaten trying to protect some black person from being beaten, those racists, those Southerners, they didn't care if you were black or white, they'd beat you either way, I have no sympathy for racists, lock 'em up, I say, but they were raised that way, you know, down there they were so backward, 'cause they didn't know any better, and just lived in their racist hick world, hating anyone who disagreed with them, and it was a real problem, but as I was saying before your father got a car when he was twenty, Millie and I had one, an old Chevy, but we didn't need to get rid of it until the 70's, not 'cause it wasn't working, mind you, just that the thing was racking up miles, we traveled around the country in that car, Eisenhower, you know, he was responsible for the Interstate, for the highways, and when they were built all of a sudden: California!
Before then, before the highways
You couldn't do that, you couldn't just drive across the country, but after Eisenhower you could, and our family took every chance, MacAllisters paid me very well in those days, I never needed a raise in all my years there and still got by on my original salary twenty years later, and so we could afford vacations, I remember Millie and my favorite trip was out to see the Redwoods in California, you never, you never seen trees so tall, I can tell 'ya, if you ever get a chance you should go and see them, they're something else, but we traveled the country in our old Chevy, but your dad wanted a hot rod, so we got him a fixer-upper and he spent the summer working on that thing, he even stopped buying records, and, your father was a big record collector, did you know that?
He was, he was always buying records
One new record each month but that summer he only cared about his car, and he kept that car until, shoot, at least the 80's, I think he parted with it the year before one of you was born, don't remember which, but he had met your mother by that point and was no longer the adventurous and live on the road kind of guy he was when he was younger, it always made Millie nervous, we'd just get a postcard, but he was traveling and doing what he loved, would come home from time to time, work, and then back on the road, he always loved to travel, that's why you kids have it so well off, you've gone all around the world, and your dad has done real well for himself, and your mom too, and of course they put you both in the best schools money could buy, schools when I was growing up, that was different, back then, shoot, I had to walk to school, up hill, in the snow, barefoot, both ways.