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“I took out four of those guys without firing a single shot! You should have seen the look on Adolph Hitler's face when I did that! He was so mad that he sent a whole Nazi division after me. I was a young French maiden in need of some company. That's also how I learned all about the birds and the bees.”
“You know, I didn't have everything handed to me like you did. I had to work my way up in the world. As a maid, my annual paychecks were £8.00.”
“I don't care much for him any more, but back in the day, your grandfather was one sexy man.”
“The only person in the family that knows how to cook is Grandma.”
“Yes, dear Grandmother?”
Grandmothers are seemingly harmless wrinkle-trolls who tend to live on the fringes of usefulness. Occasionally they may become bored and pay visits to your home, terrorizing your children with their 'granny kisses' and creating a health hazard through the incapacitating aroma of moth-balls they carry. They commonly live in retirement "homes," and may succumb to alcoholism after losing obscene amounts of money betting on bingo.
They are sometimes associated with a grandfather. Combined, the two can join into one force, forming a megabeast of wrinkles, bickering and despair. This life-sucking force is not dissimilar to the Megazord seen on Power Rangers. Appropriate precautions should be taken when handling grandmothers; such as protective clothing to guard against their fire-breathing abilities (more common with mothers in law).
edit Characteristics of Grandmothers
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Pretty much anything invented after the wheel is baffling to your Grandmother. Modern technology should be kept well out of her reach. Your Grandmother can't tell the difference between an iPod and a cell phone and she can delete all your playlists while trying to call her friend Irma. And, if left unsupervised, your grandmother will frequently fry your CD player by trying to watch a DVD on it and can destroy the hard drive on your computer in a matter of moments ("I was just trying to send an email, Sweetie!") Grandmothers are totally confused by any home appliance that comes with more than an "on/off" switch, such as a television made after 1940. The remote control is a dangerous device in the hands of this senior citizen. You will have to completely re-program your TV once Grandma tries to switch channels from the NFL game to the PBS broadcast of Lawrence Welk. The VCR you gave her always has the clock flashing "12:00...12:00..." because she is incapable of following the most basic instructions on how to set the clock up.
To add to this problem, your Grandmother has serious short-term (and long-term) memory problems. So no matter how many times you explain to Grandma how to use the microwave ( No! Not THAT button, Grandma! Yikes!), you will have to do it all over again next time she visits and wants to heat up that jar of Cheez-whiz she's brought with her as a treat for you. And you don't even want to think about the last time she took you for a drive in her boat-sized sedan. (Look out for that van, Grandma!!! And she replies "You talk to me again like dat Joel, I put your motherfuckin dick in the blender." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!)
Grandmas are notoriously frugal, i.e. cheap. She may be living in a retirement home that looks like the Taj Mahal and have an investment portfolio that would put Warren Buffet to shame, but Grandma is still, let's be frank here, a world-class cheapskate. This is because Grandma is mentally living in a economic time-warp where a Coke should cost 5 cents, and her monthly phone bill should be about $5 no matter how often she phones her second cousin in another country and screams into the phone for well over an hour. This means that if Grandma takes you out to dinner ("My treat!"), it will be at a chain that's just a cut above McDonald's and will involve both coupons and the early-bird special meal time of 4:00PM. And shopping with Grandma invariably involves an endless comparison of prices and long drives to a huge number of stores while she searches for a box of salt that costs less than a dollar in order to avoid "being robbed." And when Grandma offers you something to eat at her house, it will either be some kind of overcooked organ meat such as liver or something like the bargain brand ice cream that's been sitting in her freezer for the past year or so, and when the lid is opened, it will have a crust of permafrost on it that's two inches thick. ("Oh, don't mind that! Just scrape the ice off. It's perfectly good, dear!") It also means that Grandma feels she's being extrodinarily generous when she gives you, as her favorite grandchild, a $10 CD as a Christmas gift.(The CD, unfortunately for you, is Lawrence Welk.)
Grandmothers are also confused about the state of the modern world and, in particular, the state of their grandchildren. The cute little curly-haired tykes who used to love to cuddle with her on her lap now sport tattoos that would be the envy of a Maori native and set off the security alarms at the airport with their copious body piercings. Every time she sees them now, their hair (if it is not shaved off) is a different color (fire-engine red, day-glow green, electric blue, psychedelic orange, etc.) and style: mohawk, emo, Alice Cooper, etc. The all-important skill of color co-ordination of putting together matching ensembles seems to be totally lacking. Grandma herself feels that a classic Coco Chanel-style suit would look so fetching on her grandaughter, yet, somehow her Christmas gift of the knock-off version she found at Wal-Mart was never worn by said grandaughter. And not even a thank-you note after Grandma gave her that lovely stationery last Christmas! Meanwhile the granddaughter is wearing a buzzcut and alternately sporting military fatigues and slut-of-the-month clothing. Is she considering a career in the military or in the porn industry? And that lovely cardigan she got her grandson for his birthday is similarly neglected and he wears no shirt at all, but only a kind of sleveless underwear he calls a "wife-beater" (yet he doesn't have a wife) and a pair of pants that are worn so low and baggy that they are obviously many sizes too big. And he doesn't seem to even be able to keep his baseball cap on straight. Could he be retarded?
Grandmothers need to be kept warm. And by "warm" we mean an ambient temperature approximately that of the sun. No matter how high you turn up the thermostat, Grandma will always want you to turn it up a bit more. So while you may be peeling down to your underwear, Grandma will be asking you, "Don't you find it chilly in here, dear?" In the summer time, Grandma never sees any need to turn on her air conditioner either. Even when you are suffering from heat stroke, Grandma will be wrapping her cardigan sweater a little more tightly around her and tucking that wool blanket around her legs.
One man says he knows the true origins of grannies. Bob Schwartzenstein claims "Grannies are actually the unfortunate victims of government experiments that were code-named "Project Buttermilk". Not much is known about this higly-classified program, except that Algerian door manufacturers were kidnapped and used along with specially-bred Holsteins, but the whole experiment went horribly wrong, and Homo Grandmas was created." Schwartzenstein mysteriously disappeared after publishing his findings.
Another theory is that grandmothers are all actually werewolves. This idea was probably inspired by Little Red Riding Hood stories, but there has, thus far, been no DNA evidence to substantiate it.
Grandmas do come in many shapes, sizes and varying levels of annoyance and therefore can be harder to identify than you would expect. Do not confuse them with mother in laws.
Who needs a work ethic with a sex drive like that anyway? Back in the golden olden times when I was a girl, I would have to wake up at 4:30 AM and go out in the bitter cold to feed the animals, milk the cows, bang a boy or two, collect the chicken eggs, and help make breakfast. I had to to walk 10 miles uphill, both ways in the freezing rain, to go to school so we could get ourselves a proper education, so they would have the right to whine curmudgeonly about how hard it was. Today, the kids don't have any work ethic, because times have changed. Sure, most are spoiled and never do anything for themselves except getting sex, lots and lots of sex. Plus drugs, lots of drugs. If I had acted the way teenagers do now, I would have been flogged, spanked with a ruler, and castrated. If I would've acted the way they do when I was a kid, I surely could've expected a proper whipping. It doesn't help that alleged parents of teenagers keep buying them all sorts of fancy gizmos. Sure are spoiled, never do anything for themselves, always gotta get someone else to do it for 'em. I sure hope they learn a thing or two before they become adults, otherwise the entire society's gonna be poor. Lousy teenagers...
edit Grandmother Types
Biologists have taken steps to categorize the different types of grandmothers. Usually they are cultivated from bridge clubs and from old people's homes. However, since the grandmother is a world-wide species, it is believed that there may be hundreds more variations out there that have yet to be captured and categorized. This is complicated by the fact that some grandmothers can be more than one type.
For brevity; only seven of the main grandmother types are shown below. Less common ones, like the Spontaneous gardener, are not displayed.
Endless Time Sink This Grandma is the most common type. She never tires of spending innumerable hours with you, her favorite, looking at her photo albums and showing you pictures of dead people you never met. She tells you the same stories of life back-in-the-day over and over and over and over again until your only wish is to bang your head against the nearest wall to achieve a state of unconciousness. An hour or two with this Grandma type will leave you feeling like a survivor of the Shakelton expedition. And each time she leaves she exclaims happily, "This was so much fun!" leaving you with a sinking feeling of despair, knowing that, unless she dies soon, this will be happening again, many, many more times. And you may the one to die first.....of boredom.
Super-rich Florida Grandma These grandmas don't really love you, but they mark your birthday on their calendars so between wine tastings and driving in their Porsches while drinking glasses of scotch on the rocks, they can send you a cheque for $50. These grandmas have a snooty, stuck-up attitude and often hire maids named Rosalita to clean their expensive, Florida-coast gated community homes. They often spend too much time golfing and may mistake you for your sibling or cousin.
Cat Lovers These are particularly rare nowadays and were more common back in "their day" when it was the law that everybody should have a cat. These days, they are a dying breed (the grandmothers) and usually only one can be found on every street. They tend to never visit your home, and rather prefer that you visit their lair where you will be subjected to long stories about their cat, Bonnigton, and when it met its untimely demise at the hands of a speeding car. Not surprisingly, it is a widely known fact that these cats deliberately run out in front of cars and commit suicide so that they do not have to spend another minute with their owners, who usually take to calling them "fuzzywumwums" and stroking them incesantly.
Awkward This category have a terrible habit of turning up to visit your home at inconvenient times, like when you are busy kitten huffing or when your house is on fire. Once they arrive, you get to spend the next 6 hours at a table with them while they are completely silent and you attempt to look at anything other than them regardless of what you may have been doing. Eventually, you will begin to feel awkward at the silence and probably die of spontaneous combustion or stay still for so long that you slip into a parallel universe. Conversations usually range between 2-3 entire sentences over the period of their stay.
Ninja Grandmas Found much more often in places like Japan rather than the United Kingdom or the U.S., these grandmothers eat sushi and spend time fighting crime while training with well fed hela monsters to become great masters at their art. They can usually be seen kicking ass and severing heads with their katanas, but due to the invention of the shotgun, ninjas are generally obsolete. Attempts have been made to set up game reserves for ninja grandmas but have yet to gain much momentum because of the recent crack shortage.
Mighty Buff Grandmas One of the most dangerous and yet also coolest Grandmas ever. They stand seven feet and 4.674979379n inches tall and carry a shotgun in one hand and a plate of freshly baked cookies in the other. Rumored to have played as "Arnold" in the hit movie "Austrian Man Runs for California Governor", this species of Grandmother is unstoppable. Only Chuck Norris, Mario and maybe one of the Jesuses could withstand a Mighty Buff Grandma...but it would be close.
Religion Obsessed The kind of Grandma that under no circumstances is an Atheist. This type of Grandmother potentially had a smoker for a husband, or the husband died first. This Grandmother will call you at random times and start a long and boring conversation regarding your religious habits. (i.e. Did you pray the rosary? Are you going to be a priest one day?) This type is extremely close to the human species, and the closest to God. Habits include old person style gambling, the kind where $2.50 is a high pot, and watching the religion channel 13 hours a day.
The Bitch That Just Won't Die She follows everyone around and just complains. Her capacity for endless gossiping and whining has been known to cause a vacuum to occur in nature, thus being the one and only way of violating the truism that nature abhors a vacuum. A little old woman depicted in cartoons as a hunchbacked Russian with wrinkly skin and white hair up in a bun with remarkably tiny glasses and complains to his husband about every damn thing, and often bakes cookies.
edit What Grandmothers Wear
These panties are the kind of women's undergarments that are considered uncool if you're under the age of 60. In this aspect they are similar to tightie whities for boys. Granny panties are usually high cut with a "highly" elastic waistband that will come up to at least your nipples. They may also come in floral patterns, pink patterns, or other old lady looking styles-just like any other type of undergraments, actually, anything's possible style-wise as well. It is female underwear that is oversized, loose, and 1930's underwear. Large, often frilly underpants still rocked by the aging beauties of the Greatest Generation. When worn properly, they hold inside a woman's breasts, helping to streamline the figure and by that measure to accentuate the bosom. Due to so-called changing fashions, including the popularity of midriff exposure and post-sexual revolution distaste for too many strappy accoutrements, such as garters and slips, granny panties have stopped being associated with classy babes, and are now usually only associated with gross old ladies. Or have they? They have!! They're a pair of underwear which are usually larger than the woman who wears them. Very stretchy and elastic too! The best pair of undies you'll ever wear!! It could be the underwear your mother bought you. They don't like thongs or bikini's such as to That old woman next door! They just like them and don't care what others think.
You wear granny panties? Ew! Yeah, that's right, I do. Get over it! At least they don't go up my ass like thongs as you ladies usually wear them these days. My mother and my grandmother wears granny panties. Hey everyone the secrets out! Granny panties aren't just for grannies anymore!
Grandmothers' who wear granny panties (sometimes referred to as granny underwear) usually wear it because they don't like the usage of thongs nor bikini's. They just like them and don't care what others think. Grandmothers' wear because they have no sex lives or they're hags. Normal women are forced to wear when all the other panties haven't been washed yet. Most people frown upon them because, as we all know, the smaller your undies are, the cooler you are. But in terms of comfort and practicality they beat thongs by a mile and more how?! Even if BIG and ugly, it is soft silky underwear that caresses your body, these undies usually incorperate lacy floral designs and come in very feminine colors with white cotton undies that old or fat ladies wear and they pull them clear up to their tits. The kind that get you out of having sex. Almost like a diaper. (In other words don't wear them if you ever wanna have a sex life.) Other than that, they are nasty, poofy panties for either elderly women or uptight, sexually insecure, sex witholding bitches who are incapable of embracing their naturual sexuality. (They date men in finance. Or prostitution!) It consists of a full, often padded, bra and a short-shorts or skirted bottom. Usually worn by every older woman still alive, requires maintanence of a daily re-puffing trip to the beauty salon and are known as the regulars at a salon. A young beauticians worst nightmare.
Grandmother-related deaths have been on the rise recently, and therefore it is important that you defend yourself properly. They may seem harmless most of the time, but are very easily provoked and can easily bite your head off or bore you to death and sometimes both. Therefore, you should employ a defence when you see a grandmother - whether it be in the street, in your home, or in the shower.
The only cheap, effective method available is "Grandma-Begone," a repellant spray, which can be bought at any Wal-Mart, although it is subject to the HST in both Ontario and British Columbia. It is recommended you do not spray it at anybody other than a grandma. Otherwise you will make them very wet and they may then dissolve into a pile of goop which will stain your carpet.
Another defense mechanism is the Bait Doll, a life-size dummy hung outside your house that is covered in AARP membership cards and Bingo cheat sheets. Most grandmas either have such bad eyesight that they will crash into it and are then rushed to the hospital to have x-rays done, or they just forget all about you, steal the dummy and rush home.
"My grandma used to undress herself and walk around in her Tescos with her crusty breasts out when she felt threatened. The baker thought they were baguettes at first but he soon realised they looked more like kidney beans when she passed under a very powerful UV light.