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“ There is no doubt in my mind that Danny Baker is the number one reason for the success of the internet”
“They're good friends”
The grandmasterchampionship is a daily international football competition organized by the three members of the Karpetlift Khaos Crew and Iain Martin, for something to do after tea. The prize, the gmc trophy, is considered to be on a par with the World Cup, pehaps even more prestigeous.
The tournament was inaugurated in 2007, by Sean and Gareth in order to decide who would earn the most man points for that day. Initially the pair would back club sides in a preliminary tournement basing their choice of teams for the final on the performance of the teams backed earlier. The final was invariably played at Teatro Blanco. The first final was a hotly fought contest between favourites Brazil and minnows Slovenia. The match was a tight 0-0 with Slovenia holding on tightly and Fat Ronaldo missing a wealth of opportunities. The match was decided on penalties, and Brazil sparked a long domination almost meeting the required 7 wins for the compulsory forfeit of singing the hit Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush to an unsuspecting victim at 3am, but being thwarted by a last minute goal from the big man.
Following continued domination by Rippers led teams, the decision was made to expand the number of professional backers in the cup from 2 to 4. This move was unprecedented, and at the time resulted in much furore from the fans of the competition but in the end fellow Khaos Kaiser Simon and the politically correct Iain Martin, no relation to Alvin Martin, were invited to join as backers.
The move was highly successful, with Iain winning several titles, when he was not out collecting for the miners. However, this move did result in the scrapping of the preliminary rounds that used club teams. These rounds have been partially replaced with both gmc afternoon and gmc latenite matches, but it remains to be seen if either of these will become a success, as they have yet to gain regular coverage.
These are rare but occasions to be savoured, the rules are relaxed somewhat and club teams are allowed. A more sensible soundtrack is allowed throughout. Top players such as Nakamura and Boutabout have gained a name for themselves in this arena. Games are played at other stadiums such as the Stade Louis, with stricter weather conditions. Iain never makes Latenite GMC because even though he is Tory and Tories typically sleep 4 hours a night, he probably can't be arsed. There was once an afternoon GMC, though an agreement stated that a GMC expansion in both directions of the day would surely compromise our commitment to the outside world.
"Latenite Classic (Invitational)"
This is the most recent breakthrough for the GMC. With the unlocking of "Classic Teams", there has been a motion to introduce a new angle to the GMC. These tournaments are similar to Latenite as they happen in the time period that a Latenite GMC would normally broadcast in, though they are ever rarer than the Latenite version (the proposed ratio of Latenite to Latenite Classic being 4 to 1) Only classic teams are used (so far Argentina, Brazil and England are available), whereas the "invitational" aspect refers to the "invitational" aspect of the "Latenite Classic (Invitational)". Some rules are changed somewhat to alter the mood:
- The soundtrack for the final is under requirement to consist of "classic" tracks (at least pre-1990)
- The tournament is played in black & white. (Production of Black and White TVs was stopped around the time we were born so we just turn down the "colour" setting on the TV)
- No references to the 21st Century are allowed, otherwise it's 20p.
- The "Jimmy Greaves Rule" states that participants are required to be openly racist/sexist, as that was allowed in the 1960s and 1970s.
This was to celebrate the fact that bullshit Latvia were not be on the new edition of PES. It existed as a one off game between two willing participants (the "Invitational" aspect referred to the fact no one really wanted to be invited). Gareth beat Sean (off) and won the first head-to-head and cheating Sean won the second with a bullshit win over Simon. The Latvians were replaced by the Israelites in the new edition. Israelites are, of course, very used to displacing a settled populations such as the Palestinians or, in a recent case at Chelsea Football Club, Jose Mourinho.
This is Gareth's own personal tournament to see how many times in a row he can make tea without vegetables.
"FA Cup Replay (Invitational)"
This is to commemorate the bullshit win that Liverpool had over Wycombe Wanderers in the FA Cup and maybe right some wrongs that came to pass on that fateful day. The tie is between two user created teams - Wycombe Select (Sean) and Liverpool 93- (Gareth) and is played as a one off exhibition match. Lore dictates that "Bomber" Harris has to take every throw in.
The programme is hosted by Danny Baker, and commentated by Peter Brackley and Trevor Brooking. Baker has stated that the positive effect of his presenting skill on this programme has restored his karma following the many years of negative energy brought about by his manslaughter of Bob Marley, brother of Jacob.
It has spawned a number of catchphrases such as "I'm having a field day" from baker and "he's on the rampage" from Brackley. The original commentator was Gareth and Rippers's poor impressions of Andy Grey, and as a result "He Gambled" has also become a phrase closely associated with the tournament.
So far there is only one official track of the GMC, the infamous "Blighty Town" written by a friend of the GMC. A MIDI version of the Brookside theme is also well known, alongside standards such as the Denise Van Outen album and the DNB remix of Wonderwall by Oasis. Gareth sometimes does Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division. Sean always does "She's Lost Control" or "Beat It".
- There are a number of traditions associated with the gmc, one of which is the addition of an item to the trophy by the outgoing gmchampion. Over the days, this has included A picture of a chinese boy, a welsh flag, a Jimi Hendrix cd, an empty Daz wrapper, a belt, Paul McGrath's autobiography, a playing card featuring Gandhi and some modern art which consists of a mobile phone placed inside a bag for disposing sanitary towels (unused). This tradition has been suspended as the trophy is now ridiculous.
- The gmchampion must also wear a heavy, smelly fluorescent coat and a bright pink hat, in a fashion similar to the yellow jersey in the Tour de France. This tradition has been suspended as it has recently been fuckin' hot.
- Heroic players include, Snake Derek, Camel Salentcher, Earltou and Ukraine striker, Axl Rose
- The final is always played at Teatro Blanco but the semi finals are always played at the Antlion Colloseum.
- Initially capacitors were placed on the doors of the winners, however this practice has largely ceased, although the capacitiors can still be seen on many doors.
- The losers of the semi-finals have to have the indignity of a firth of forth place playoff in the orange arena with a plain style football. The winner soundtracks the final
- The soundtrack to the final is chosen from other resident's shared iTunes. A famous resident, Hannah 103, has the best music collection - she provides many of the tunes in the "Soundtrack" sections.
- Discussion is usually allowed during games. This usually involves comments on this weeks copy of NME (it comes out on Tuesday don't you know) or the The Guardian's daily football update The Fiver. Sometimes we go on facebook, or Sean in his puckish manner changes Gareth's iTunes name.
- Unlike normal competitions, fines and not suspensions are handed to backers for breaking the rules. The rules are related to things that musn't be done. Gareth is banned from mentioning a type of tree associated with yuletide, Iain is not allowed to be political Simon must not be pretentious and Sean must express an opinion. The fines go towards the Christmas do.
Lore 2008 (Amendments and Upgrades)
- The First Amendment The final is now played at the Vile Mary stadium and the semi finals are played at the Muhammad Lewis Stadium (Peace Be Upon Him).
- The Second Amendment The Teamgeist Powerorange is now used for the semi finals while the Blue Teamgeist Glider is used for the semis.
- The Third Amendment As of February 2008, there was a motion that the GMC can only be held when all members were present. This was due to successive no shows that were judge to be skewing results in favour of those who did not go outside much.
The end of an era, a new dawn - GMC 2.0
On Tuesday the 24th of April 2007, a key part of GMC equipment broke. The competition was briefly suspended until more equipment could be bought. After a trek involving every major supermarket in East London, the equipment was restored and play continued, albeit at a much higher level. The first winner of the new GMC era was Uruguay.
A new home?
Due to the lease on the current venue coming to a welcome end in June 2007, it has been up to the participants to search for a new home for the GMC. A site was found in Norf London and a contract has been drawn up to construct a new £300(p/w) stadium in time for September. At the moment the GMC is putting all its humanly effort into securing the sponsorship of a famous airline (preferably based in the Middle East where they have lots of money from all the oil) to pay for it. It has been offered that the new stadium will be named accordingly.
Hall Of Records
Record GMC Final win: Simon (England) 10-1 Sean (Holland) (10th May 2007)
Record GMC High Scoring Match: Simon (England) 10-1 Sean (Holland) (10th May 2007)
Record Number of consecutive wins: 9 Sean
Record number of goals in a game: 6 (Michael Owen)
Record amount of bullshit goals: Simon (Verified by Reuters)
Best Goal: Sean (Scotland)- last minute overhead kick by David Weir
2007 (Spring Season) Winner: Sean (1)
2007 (Fall Season) Winner: Sean (2)
"Are you ready for a whipping?" "Alright but then we're playing some GMC" (Simon)
"Fuck off is there a third dimension" (Simon)
"Sweet and sour sauce? In one sauce? No way!" (Sean)
"Shit the bed!" (Gareth)
"He's got that mate he hangs around with, they're good friends" (Simon)
"I wonder who gives and who takes?" (Uncredited)
"Im a cunt" (Gareth)
"Iiiiiiii wouldn't say no...." (Morrissey)
"MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!" (MC GMC)
"Don't take it personally, but you look like a black sperm" (Gareth)
"If you're as slow as your jokes, you're rubbish" (Simon)
|Team||Backer|| Number Of Wins
|All-time cumulative wins for team|
|Ivory Coast||Gareth||1 (3)||1|
|Trinidad & Tobago||Gareth||1 (8)||1|
|Northern Ireland||Gareth||3 (20)||3|
|Czech Republic||Rippers||1 (22)||1|
|Ivory Coast||Rippers||1 (28)||2|
|South Africa||Rippers||1 (30)||1|
|Ivory Coast||Fullers||2 (15)||4|
|Northern Ireland||Fullers||1 (16)||2|
|Pos.||Person||Strength||Weakness||Number Of Wins to Date (End of Fall 2007 Season)|
|1||Sean||The 3-6-1 formation||Playing against Bazz, Earltou and Boutabout||49|
|2||Gareth||Being Wales||Losing heavily and turning the X-box off||33|
|3||Simon||Bullshit goals||Punching himself||28|
|4||Iain||Double Drag backs||Never turning up||4|
GMC Summer Cup
The showpiece occasion of the season, invented so that Gareth "fuck this I'm turning the X-box off" Gareth had the chance to win something this year. Naturally he went out in the first round, leaving Simon and Sean to battle it out with Italy and France in the final. It what would later become known as "The Sean Final", France won comfortably 7-3. After completing the first ever grandmasterchampionship double, Rippers put his success down to "Not having a girlfriend".
Peter Brackley Memorial Trophy
This was a final goodbye to PES 6 and as a result, commentator Peter Brackley. Acclaimed popster Kate Nash wrote this ode to the GMC, with an explanation to why the trophy is held.
Every night we play GMC
Except that there's this problem you see
Simon keeps scoring and the new PES is boring
We're thinking of a new game to play
But we'll go along with it and then humiliate him cos he's "got no friends" (allegedly)
Then Gareth will use that voice that we find annoying
And say something like "JA BITTE WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANOTHER LECKER DARLING!!!!"
My fingertips are holding on the words of Peter Brackley
And I know that I should let PES go but I can't
And every time Gareth plays shite like Dirk Kuyt
Everytime he's upset we smile
I know we should forget but we can't
Sean said Gareth wants something to win cause he is so bitter
I said he throws the control because he's such a quitter
Yes it is childish when he gets aggressive and
I must admit that we get a bit scared
But it gives us thrills that he's wound up .....etcetera.... this isn't very funny anymore.
Gareth did actually win it. Well done Gareth.
After the move to the C.S. Doogal megaplex, the tournament recommenced. This will be a short lived tournament, as the new equipment will be brought into the fray on the 26th October, or as "The best day of my life" as it will be known by all of the GMC backers. Iain has not participated in this tournament, but it is hoped he will return for the final GMC using PES6 technology, and the first involving 2008.
Table o' results 07
|Team||Backer|| Number Of Wins
|All-time cumulative wins for team|
|Cote d'Ivoire||Rippers||7 (8)||11|
|Northern Ireland||Rippers||1 (11)||3|
|Costa Rica||Rippers||1 (12)||1|
The New PES 07/08
|Team||Backer|| Number Of Wins
|All-time cumulative wins for team|
|Czech Republic||Rippers||1 (1)||2|
|Ivory Coast||Rippers||2 (3)||13|