Grand Wizard

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A grand wizard using his burning hands spell.

Grand Wizard is the title used by a wizard that reaches the level of 60. Nathan Bedford Forrest was the first-known mage/wizard to reach this level. However, despite reaching level 60, he had very little real power because he was always losing his spell book.

The Knights of the K'u K'lux K'lan used a different system of titles for their high-ranking mages. The most-common title among this group was, for a long time, Imperial Wizard. However, in the newest incarnation of the K'lan, the "Grand Wizard" title applies to the organization's main officer at a regional level. Venerable Dragon was also a common, but stupid, variation upon this title signifying the same role.

Grand Wizard is the rank attained by the notorious Elf nationalist politician Legolas prior to leaving a branch of the organization.


A modern Grand Wizard.[1] Notice the car to his right.

edit Modern grand wizards

Many people think that wizards are extinct. These people are stupid. All mortals know that Grand Wizards infiltrate our lives through anything they can, they imply the ancient 'Trojan Horse' Technique by hiding in the uterus of their victims mother.

In the old days, wizards cast powerful spells and blew shit up... Like in that Lord of the Rings movie. That was some fancy stuff. However, you can't just go randomly around blowing shit up anymore, or people will look down on you.[2] Wizards have had to become day-laborers just to make it in the world.

In modern days, wizards do boring, day-to-day jobs just like anyone else, while at night they go out and drink. A lot. There elite club is code named "Call of Duty". All leading Grand Wizards of this ancient cult is recognised by their elite gamer tag of 'GWiz'.

edit Important things that wizards do


A typical wizard's duel, with referee in the background

  • They deliver your mail.
  • They help you try on shoes.[3]
  • Spend all day answering stupid questions on yahoo answers.
  • They cook your food.
  • They make movies on youtube that only have 9 views.
  • They make those little things on the end of your shoelace.
  • They deliver pizzas to your house.
  • They make the icing for toaster strudles.
  • Help stay-home moms at work.
  • They video record space missions
  • Join and support the Church of Scientology.
  • Take your teeth away in exchange for money, while they're still in your mouth.
  • May have sex with your wife in the hope to carry the bloodline, the child never finds out the truth. This is the birth of the Mud Bloods.

edit Unimportant things that wizards do

  • Learn to spell.
  • Make Harry Potter movies.
  • Work for Wikipedia.(the dark wizards do)
  • Find cures for diseases and stuff
  • Make more Harry Potter movies.
  • Help old ladies across the street.
  • Teach high school.
  • Join causes to stop global warming
  • Join the army. Seriously, nobody needs a fucking wizard in the army. Ever see a wizard in camo?
  • Run for elected office.
  • Join and support The Church of Scientology.

Tom Cruise, Church of Scientology member and wizard, casting a lightning spell on Oprah Winfrey.

edit Non-Unimportant things that wizards do

  • Babysit your kids while you're getting plowed by your boss, just trying to get that promotion.
  • Steal lunch from that one autistic kid at school

edit Non-Non-Unimportant things that wizards do

  • Vote
  • Serve on juries.

edit Notes

  1. A Drow
  2. You can, however, blow shit up in a discriminate, discerning way.
  3. But they don't enjoy it.
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