Grand Theft Auto: Afghanistan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

The GTA: Afghanistan PC cover

“I likes it, George!”

~ Lennie Small on GTA: Afghanistan

“Oh god, This was my vision! I can't stop playing it!!!”

~ Saddam Hussein on Grand Theft Auto: Afghanistan

This is another one in the series coming straight from the famous Rockstar; GTA Afghanistan. Rockstar came to an idea to contact their partners (Rockstar Middle-East)&(Rockstar South Asia) and tell them to start designing the country of Afghanistan separated in 3 most known cities: Kabul,Herat and Jalalabad Although not so advanced from GTA: San Andreas, this installment of the GTA series proves that Rockstar didn't lose their touch, but also that the new name of Rockstar Middle-East & Rockstar South Asia is very capable of making a game that would satisfy GTA fans all over the globe.

[edit] Missions

Rockstar has announced that there are 327 missions, not including many sub-missions (camel-taxi riding missions, bread delivery missions and other). The missions are versatile and will bring joy into your home (as long as your parents don't see the game). The missions are very fun and every one of them is different in their way. As in previous GTA games, when you lose all of your health, you will return to the nearest hospital (in this case, missionary-medic in a tent). The story-missions will take you about 2 weeks to complete and then another 20 years to rebuild the homes of innocent civlians caught up in your actions, and then you can have fun with sub-missions (for about 2-3 minutes, after you get bored to hell). As missions go, you will get more and more new weapons (even though the first weapon you receive is the most devastating, and therefore best to use), and vehicles that Samir can interact with. A new thing in solving missions is that you can have a partner that can be controlled by PC or by a real player over hotseat, LAN or internet.

[edit] Characters

• M'Balz Es-Hari - Leader of the village near Jalalabad, he is the first person you get your missions from.
• Graabir Boubi - The local camel dealer.(He also has a side job as a Heroine dealer)
• Mike Toreno - He makes a special apearence as a CIA agent working with the Taliban
• Bin Vruch – is your main foe in the game. He is an oil baron that is hiding somewhere in Kabul.
• Buraid - Ex-Taliban Member but now is an arms dealer in Kabul.
• Suya - Arms dealer in Herat.
• Sani - The Village whore
• Carl Johnson- The local drug repressed infant that hopes to acquire enough nuclear devices to buy a ticket back to Liberty City

[edit] Gangs/Terrorist Groups/Army

• Taliban - ( Lost tribe of George Bush's cousins ) .
• Al-Qaeda - ( American Tax payer funded extremist ninja pirate force ) .
• Afghan National Army - ANA( Underpaid, Undertraind, underappreciated Army. mostly used as human sheilds when under heavy fire ) .
• Pakistani Army - (Your average local corner store cleric except with a thicker accent and a GUN) .
• CIA - (Certified Internal Al-Qaeda, or Catholic Irish Alcoholic) .
• NATO-(Consists of U.S forces, the Brits, the beavers and French Fries)
• Scorpion cell - an army of evil anubis warriors led by the scorpian king .
• MCain - the worst terrorist group on the game and upon contact with his rancid skin you instantly dissolve.
• John Howard (spends most of his time with Bush).
• Iranian Army
• Kite Runners ( An underground gang of teenagers with exploding kites). Very dangerous to Apaches and F-15's

[edit] Weapons

• M4A1 – One of the most powerful guns in the game.It will be the first heavy weapon you will find.
• AK-47 – a powerful weapon, with a quick way to blast heads of crazy terrorists.
• Minigun - used to mow down hordes of enemies. Runs outta ammo real fast, though.
• RPG – most likely used to bring down crappy tanks that your enemies will use.
• Colt .45 - If all else fails, this'll probably do until you can get something else.
• Throwing Weapons - Throwing Knives,Rocks,Bottles,Metal Parts, etc.
• Melee Weapons - Pipe,Sword,Knife,Extendo Rod,Broom etc.
• C4 - Boom!
• IED aka Car Bombs - BIG BOOM!
• You - Giangantic BOOM!
• Virgins - HUGE bangs ocasional gang bang

Please also note, weapons can and should be upgraded in a single game. These 'upgrades' count as things costing millions of in game Afghani (The currency you use) for simple things like laser dot sight, a scope for your favorite RPG, to things more dramatic like a ninja samurai sword bayonet, or the most elusive-a special edition Colt .45 with a scope, an ability to 'head shot' from 300 miles away, and the bonus ability to make smoothies (in case your silent protagonist [or should we say antagonist?] gets thirsty or is low on health). All these upgrades, however, are over priced and are therefore crucial to the development in the story. One would have to play nearly 2 hours of mini games to get enough money to buy an upgrade to their gun to progress to just the second mission, which happens to also be the hardest (Similar to that of GTA IV)

[edit] Vehicles

• M1 Abrams – seen throughout the GTA series parked at the roadsides. It will be very useful when attacking your enemies.
• Camel/Donkey/Horse – as there are no roads in Afghanistan, you will most likely end-up using animals to get from town to town. (The camel has a spitting attack that can melt armor. Even the M1 Abrams's.)
• Sanchez – a motocycle seen in past GTA games. It will be useful when going through the desert.
• Apache – a flyable chopper in the game. It has a machinegun. You will use it on many missions in the game.
• F-15 Eagle – the most powerful vehicle, a jet equipped with missiles and infrared shit that you can use to destroy your enemies and their tents.
• Toyota Land Cruiser - A vehicle with high ground clearance.
• Dump Truck - A vehicle with higher ground clearance but has shitty stereos and no air conditioner.
• Gas Cars - Cheap cars used by local people, has a built-in bomb in case of emergency.
• Tanks - to destroy people, buildings, Cars and even Emos.
• your Mom - bang bang bang
• You - The guy who gets wasted by the camels.

[edit] Guest Apearences

• Saddam Hussein - Appears in the mission "The Weapon Supplier",he comes from Iraq and supplies the Taliban with massive weapons
• Osama Bin Laden - Makes a brief appearance at the start and the end of the game.
• Carl Johnson - Appears undercover with the U.S. Army near the starting of the game,he tells Samir that he has come for a few days on a mission for Mike Toreno
• John MCain - a secret terrorist
• Liberty City - In a flying mission from Mike Toreno
• get to fly roflcopter! - soysoysoysoysoysoysoysoysoysoysoysoyosoyosoysos