Government Communications Headquarters
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Government Communications Headquarters or GCHQ is a British intelligence and security organisation set up to monitor people who watch porn in the UK. In recent years, GCHQ has helped in the arrest of over 2,000 MILF's. In December 2013, GCHQ's Head of Porn Monitoring, Robert Hannigan, was given the Nobel Prize for his efforts to destroy porn on the internet. GCHQ has a secondary objective, to prevent Royal Family porn from being leaked onto the internet. In July 2014, an investigation was launched after GCHQ failed to prevent a sex tape of Queen Elizabeth II and Daniel Craig leaking onto the internet. After years of hard work, GCHQ has become the world's safest haven for pedo priests and serial rapers, and as such, it was given the "Worst Security Organisation of the Year" award in August 2014.
GCHQ was founded by Queen Victoria in an attempt to conceal the fact she was having an affair with Alexander Graham Bell, who, after inventing the Telephone, suggested GCHQ be formed. In it's earliest days, computers didn't exist, and so GCHQ monitored every phone call made in the UK. Former employers have commented on how they loved listening to women pleasure themselves over the phone to their male counterparts. In the late 90's, Queen Elizabeth II announced plans to disband the telephone section of GCHQ and, with the advent of computers, form a computer section of GCHQ. The GCHQ Computer Department's earliest project was to prevent Prince Philip from finding out about Queen Elizabeth II's sexual relationship with her son, Prince Charles.
edit Sex Tape Investigation
In July 2014, an investigation was launched by the government into GCHQ after it failed to prevent a sex tape of Queen Elizabeth II and Daniel Craig from being leaked onto the internet. The inquiry found that "Workers at GCHQ consist of middle-aged wankers and disgraced priests. It is clear to see how the sex tape managed to break through onto the internet." 16 people were suspended at a result of the investigation and they are all charged by the Crown Court for "fucking up".
edit Relationship with North Korea
GCHQ and North Korea have long been friends, since GCHQ's formation in the late 1800's. Kim Jong-un has commented many a time on the special friendship with GCHQ, regarding GCHQ as a "wing-tang-meow-cock-block-trock" and "HOYAAAAA-BING-DANG-DO!". In March 2015, Robert Hannigan went over on a special visit to North Korea to see Kim. He came back looking like a fat Asian baby.
edit Removal of the Great Firewall of China
In January 2015, GCHQ and North Korea collaborated together to destroy the Great Firewall of China. North Korea did it to piss off China, while GCHQ did it because, in the words of Hannigan "Internet freedom is imperative. China are just being dicks for not letting their population enhance their knowledge of the world." After the removal of the firewall, a Chinese survey concluded over 50% of it's male population were jacking off over transsexual porn. GCHQ responded to this "Well, if it's gonna be, it's gonna be. Not our problem." While North Korea just threatened to bomb China. China said no more about it.
edit Worst Security Organization of the Year Award
GCHQ has been the subject of many media topics, usually revolving around it's tenancy to employ disgraced priests and known sex offenders. Robert Hannigan, Head of Porn Monitoring, has said "These people have been employed to make sure child pornography is removed from UK internet. I don't see how being a sex offender can possibly interfere with the job" After these comments were made, there was some backlash from internet critics, with several claiming Hannigan was being stupid "He's blind to the fact these preists and sex offenders aren't just removing child pornography from the internet, but they're downloading it to a USB stick to pleasure themselves over it at home" In August 2014, Buckingham Palace awarded GCHQ with the "Worst Security Organization of the Year" award due to it's long acceptance of pedophile priests and sex offenders.