Goth
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I'm so goth, my urine is black. My goth friends tell me I should see a doctor, but they are not goth enough to understand!”
~ Goth kid on Goth
“Goths? Love em. Couldn't eat a whole one though”
~ Oscar Wilde on Goths
“I'm not goth, I'm Deathrock”
~ Rozz Williams on How goth he is
“ SISTERS OF MERCY R A ROCK'N'ROLL BAND NO RLY!!!!”
~ Andrew Eldritch on being retarded
“Bend over you LITTLE BITCH AND TAKE IT LIKE A BITCH SHOULD!”
~ Wayne Hussey on The above quote
Goths (also known as "Those kids who smoke in the parking lot.") have a very diverse taste in music and dark eyeliner as well as dark clothing and accessories. All goths have artsy friends. Do not interact with them and do not turn your back on them. Shoot them immediately or stab them with a fork (or a pen, whatever does the trick!)
Contents |
[edit] History
The Goths were a violent East Germanic tribe of barbarians who proved to be a great nuisance for the Roman Empire from the 3rd to 8th centuries CE, primarily with their bad taste in music and dark eyeliner. The origins of the Goths and their enemies, the Emos, is described by Michæles Jordanes in his 'Gothica':
"You surely remember that in the beginning I said the Goths went forth from the bosom of the island of Satani with Berik, their king, sailing in only three ships toward the hither shore of Ocean, namely to Gothisatani. One of these three ships proved to be slower than the others, as is usually the case, causing the crew of that ship to burst into tears, and thus is said to have given the tribe their name, for in their language "Imawuss" means 'Miserables Degenerates'".
Once in their new homes - the Goths soon lost what little unity they had and became bitter rivals trying to prove that their group were 'True Goths' and the others were really Crap-Saddo Couturists.
By the 5th century the Goths were divided into separate sub-tribes; the Romantigoths lived in Victorian England, the Deathrockigoths lived in their local club, The Trad-Goths living in The Batcave (Infamous for their big hair and pointy boots), Pagan-Goths living in Lala Land, Fail-Goths living in Eva O's vagina and the Minigothic kingdom was made in China. Two other Goth groups - the Ostrogoths later ended up in Austria ( Ostrogothreich in German) and the Visi or Visagoths who eventually moved to Spain to work in bars serving 'Sangria Azul' - Blue Blood Wine. A bit rare these days - most restaurants only provide the familiar red sangria so remember to ask next time you are there. These Visigoths are sometimes hard to spot as they usually wear summery clothes to 'fit in' but if they have black eyeliner or studs through their lips - they are probably secret Goths but check if they have valid visas.
[edit] Kinds of Goths in Gothic society
There are several types of goths in the different tribes.
1.Gawff- the common status of goths, and by far the most numerous. Are usually farmers of gawffmuffins.
2.Goth Foot Soldiers- The backbone of the Gothic military force, they often spend their time battling Mallgoths or Preps, often by leaving their local nightclub home and invading a Mall.
3.Ubergoths- These are the true patriots of the Gothic way. They will dress to the nines just to go out to get some milk at 2 in the morning. They are the nobility of the Gothic peoples.
4.Eldergoths-These ancient ones where often once Ubergoths, and usually date back to the Mid or early 80s, the oldest of whom even go back to the late 70s. They usually don't leave their castles and live wise hermit like lives, writing poetry as well as reading Poe and Lovecraft, hiding the beergut acquired from their younger clubbing ways. When the Gothic nations face great turmoil it is them who all will turn to for their wise advice.
5.Goths do not believe in 5
6.Baby bats- A baby bat is the name for a child in the Gothic lands. Baby Bats usually show great promise some day but in their naive youth often listen to crappy Industrial or Metal. However usually their goth parent will steer them in the right direction: Bauhaus, Christian Death and SoM. Sometimes also called Sexgang Children, as a deragatory term.
7. Spooky Kids- Often when a baby bat is in his teenage years he still cannot escape from the clutches of Poseur-dom, which usually results in a teenager masquerading that they are listening to The Mission UK, when in actuality they are listening to Cradle of Filth.
1334. Rozz Williams-Nuff said.
[edit] Mallgoths
Most historians believe the first mallgoths may have been descended from the Romantigoths, and have brought much shame to the Romantigoths with this theory. These Mallgoths where groups of young rebellious Baby bats and spooky kids who did not heed the word of the wise old Eldergoths. They had a violent revolution which resulted in the death of king Rozz Williams of Christian Death. Outraged the gothic peoples banded together and drove out all of these "rebels" dubbing them posers. These posers would wonder the lands for a whole 10 minutes before stumbling upon a mall. In that mall they lived, eating from the food courts and preying on unsuspecting Hollister shoppers. Soon they found refuge in a store called Hot Topic. Their kings arose, all Metal and Industrial bands. Soon The Mallgoth lord Marilyn Manson arose. Marilyn Manson is still king of the Mallgoths, and has been for 15 long years. Some say that Marilyn Manson is undying, and shall forever hop on board with whatever is trendy with the angst ridden teens, and then pretend to be shocking so he can feed his vast fortune.
A mallgoth can be identified by their Hot Topic attire, often Baggy Tripp pants and sneakers as opposed to the leather/vinyl/PVC and pointy boots of the true goths of the past. They are also fond of beanies, usually commemorating the former Mallgoth king HIM, as well as makeup. They are known to put ridiculous amounts of poorly applied make up on, often in attempt to mimick The Crow, and usually for no reason. This dates back to the era of when those Baby bats and spooky kids where being raised, and The Crow was instilled in them by true goths like James O'Barr at a young age. They can often commonly be seen wearing tee shirts dedicated to nu-metal and industrial bands like Slipknot, and Combichrist, who they will claim is goth and be wrong.
[edit] Culture
Gothic culture is notorious for its themes of dark and macabre humor, fashion, and music, the latter which was very prominent in Gothic culture. Many historians have described Gothic culture as having a dark romanticism theme to it and being very creepy overall. Black attire, often which also has spikes, are casually worn by both men and women. Dark colored clothing has an apparent sexual appeal in Gothic culture, and could include anyone in black, whether it is male or female. Dark eyeliner was also very popular amongst both sexes in Gothic culture, as was the color Blood Red. Loud, heavy music consisting of Goth/Batcave/Deathrock/Gothic Rock/Darkwave/Horror Punk/Psychobilly/Gothabilly is favorable to the Goths, as well as anything considered dark and creepy or of a Gothic theme. Goths are known for having a diverse religion, varying from Heathenism, Aryan Christianity, and Atheism to even Zoroastrianism. They were noted as having a cultural fixation with silver symbols of the Agnostic/Pagan/Satanic/Wiccan varieties.
[edit] Role of women in Gothic society
Gothic women sometimes spend months making dreads (if they are cybergoths - who should, by the way, rather go to trance parties with their colourful hippie counterparts), corsets, and other clothing for one event. They are also known to spend thousands of dollars on one pair of boots. They share a common trait with modern women in that for any event of n hours in length, they will take at least 2n hours to prepare, dress, and get made-up for it.
[edit] Individuality
Individuality does exist in Gothic cultures; however, non-Goths will find it hard to spot. There are thousands of Gothic tribes out there that dress in only black and to everyone other than the Goths themselves they all look fairly similar to each other. Attire for females is usually big wannabe Siouxsie Sioux hair, torn black jeans or black skirt, fishnet or red and black stockings, massive black commando boots (or possible long pointy boots made for kicking poseurs in the crotch) and some sort of random word or picture sewed onto the SoM band shirt they all wear. Male Goths do not look and sound the same as their female counterparts (unlike the Emos), they generally wear black, and they usually have medium-long hair (often done in some outrageous style or another), along with spiked dog collars and large, heavy, studded arm braces or wimpy spiked bracelets that keep slipping off because they bought them too big, but were to lazy to go back and exchange them. Swords and saxes are also worn. Both sexes may also have a Deathhawk or Devillock of somekind.
Gothic society is more uniformed than individual; however, Gothic kings and queens usually dress in finer clothes than their vassals. The great Goði, the Gothic priests, also wear long robes of black and carry a large stick adorned with pagan runes. These people are important to Gothic society as the great make-up sessions and piercings are overseen by them. The Goði are also the speakers of runic law and hold great sacrifices to the Gods.
[edit] Fears
Goths fear no man and death in battle is an honour. Their major enemies are the Chavi tribe and the Emoæ tribe, whom they have come in conflict with many times. One such battle with the Chavi resulted in the death of the Gothic King Manseric I and the Chavi King Howman II.
Goths, living in a tribe based on great deads and winnings, fear disgrace. A disgraced Goth will usually sacrifice himself to the Goths, kill himself, sell himself into slavery or leave the Gothic tribe and become a ranger in Middle-earth. A good example of the Gothic fear of dishonour is the tale of Plastaric. Plastaric is "a most warlike little bugger" who eventually commits suicide, facing the aggression of the Alansheari and of the Hungry Hippos, who invaded his territories.
Contrary to the belief of some recent scholars, Goths are not afraid of the Bible; in fact a Bible translation in Gothic does exist.
[edit] Extermination
The only way to exterminate a goth, is to transform them into a prep. Their arch enemy. Other than that they are immortal. Once again, please be cautious when approaching a goth; even though some of them may look very similar to emos, the main difference is this; if you punch a goth kid, they will hunt you down. And cut you. Whereas an emo will chase you down and make you watch as they cut themselves.
[edit] The Great Gothic Kings
- Note that all Goth Royalty deny their involvment with goth in any way, a part of the twisted Goth's cultural tradition of denying your Gothic-ness to show more patriotism to your gothic peoples.
- Bauhaus I
- Joy of Division
- Rozz Williams of Christian Death
- Nik The Fiendish
- Bauhaus II
- Sioxsie of the Sioux
- Satan X
- Plastaric
- Andrew Eldritch, or as he is known by the enlightened "The Abdicated".
- About a hundred guys that sang and played just like Andrew Eldritch, commonly known as the "Gothic Rock Empire" or as those who dislike it call the "Drum Machine Regime"
- Some generic Deffrawker
- Satan again
- Jesus Christ (famous for being the first to state 'Blessed Be')
- The Curly Haired Southpark Goth Kid
- The Federated Democratic-republic of Dark subculture.
- The council of Snooty,overtly-pretentious elder Goths
- The Only Queen-Henrietta of South Park
- Peter Murphy XXI
[edit] See also
- Fields of the Nephilim
- Sisters of Mercy
- The Cult (originally Southern Death Cult)
- Goth Scene
- Vampire
- Vandal
- HowTo:Attract goth chicks.
