Gore Theory

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Arguing with Al Gore is futile because of his genies.

Taking its name from unarguably one of the most genius men in recent history, the Gore theory is a scientific premise that essentially states that if there is a slight change over a short amount of time that change will continue at the same rate, if not at an increasing rate for the rest of time. This theory has been applied to many different problems from Global Warming to Global Darkening and has been proven time and time again to work perfectly in every instance.


The Gore theory was originally created by Al Gore, the master mind of revolutionary ideas such as the Internet, voter fraud, and faulty logic. Gore is a man with so many scientific degrees and qualifications that the sheer mass of said degrees and qualifications caused them to gravitate into a black hole and disappear when asked why he was qualified to make such theories. One day, while he was praising himself for his accomplishments, he noticed something was happening to the Earth; it was getting warmer.

He immediately consulted his 5 year-old son who had been watching a Canadian hockey game, and picked up the sheet of paper his son had been doodling on. There, he saw what he would later call a "Hockey stick graph", or a graph that started off with small values on the one end and then a sudden spike of doom on the other end.

Believing that this was an omen from God sent through his 5 year-old son, he immediately claimed that the doodle was scientific evidence that the world was getting warmer, and began to travel around the country in his Hummer with his laptop sitting on the passenger's seat, happily sucking away electricity. When asked why his son's doodle should be accepted as scientific proof, Mr. Gore had this to say: "My son was hit by a car when he was younger so shame on you sir for questioning his well researched evidence!"

After many days of hard and laborious research conducted from a bar in Vegas, Gore noticed that it was getting even warmer. Most men would assume that this was because he was in the middle of the desert, or that spring was simply turning into summer, but he was not most men. It was at this point that he created the Gore Theory, and predicted that because over the course of a few days the temperature was getting warmer, it would continue to get warmer for the rest of eternity until we all were burnt like "Jews in an oven" unless we immediately elected him president of the United States. When asked how electing him president of the United States would solve the crisis, he said: "I believe that the strong correlation between my election as president and the end of these world crisis is rather self-evident to anyone who isn't mildly retarded."

The Theory

The theory states that supposing a constant change in something, Δs, over a span of time, t, and a base amount of something B, that Δs will remain constant forever and always and that the total amount of something (temperature in his case) can be found by taking the summation of Δs from time 0 to time t. This can be modeled by the equation:


The theory was then improved upon by Gore to state that because Δs would always remain constant from the day a change in something was noted to the end of time, that something would always continue to increase or decrease at the same rate for all time ever. This can be modeled by:


In layman's terms, according to Mr. Gore and his extreme scientific genius, if something is happening right now, it will continue to happen forever at that rate or at a greater rate (although not accounted for in the formula or original theorem).
Many people believe that because they are not able to understand the theorem, that it must be true. These people include Al Gore himself who when asked how he created the theorem, he said: "Well first I drew this little squiggly 'Σ' looking thing over here but it didn't look quite right. So the I drew a triangle and put an 's' after it and that looked better. The rest of the formula just came to me as if God himself made me drink too much and pass out for the very reason of finishing the theorem!"


When asked to show proof for his theorem, Mr. Gore replied, "I'm not doing this for political reasons." Immediately, a number of people voted him for presidential elect, thus proving his point. Later he finally came up with an experiment that absolutely proves that his theory was correct. He said that: "Considering a frog were in a pot of water, what would happen if we slowly boiled the water?" Many people were confused by this question, and wondered how it was in any way related to his theory of change. Fortunately the sagely Gore was able to explain. "The frog would continue to heat up until it was boiled alive," he said and all over the country people's minds were enlightened and they went outside and grabbed frogs to boil on their ovens.

Many critics claim that this proof in no way relates to his theory, as the temperature would eventually stop increasing when it reached the maximum output temperature of the oven; but the enlightened masses then boiled the critics in large pots of water so they could learn why the Gore theorem was correct themselves. This is why the Gore theorem is largely accepted today by many politicians and rich folk of great integrity who are not, I repeat NOT in any way, using this completely sane and ingenious idea for their own selfish ends.


The Gore Theory was originally applied to the problem of Global Warming and the Medieval Warming period‎. Gore had discovered that over a series of days in the summer, the temperature had been increasing by 3 degrees each day with the base temperature being at 78. He applied his theory and plugged the numbers into the formula for the next month and got the results below.


Al Gore showing where he intends to blow up the glaciers and save the world.
Realizing that the temperature would reach 168 degrees in one month's time, he began to create controlled demolitions of the North Pole glaciers to try and cool the Earth down. This obviously worked, as the temperature never reached 168 degrees that month and he was given a Nobel Peace prize for his heroic efforts. Some so-called scientists argue that it never would have reached the supposed 168 degrees anyways. These crack-pot scientists were dismissed with the pure logic of Gore as he responded, "I believe that these poor, uneducated men do not have the same capacity for foresight as I do, and just cannot see the facts in front of their eyes."

Later, he calculated the temperature that we would eventually reach without his heroic efforts to save the world by the following equation:


He believed this meant the temperature would continue to grow until Earth was nothing more that a chunk of lava floating through space and believed that this meant he should become president for life. It wasn't until that winter when he realized the temperature was decreasing that a whole new problem came to his attention. Using his formula with a base temperature of 43 and the average decrease over the past few days being 5 degrees he calculated:


According to his genius theory in a month it would be -107 in Texas, and he would not let that happen.
Al Gore saving the world from the new problem of global cooling.
So he began eating as much food as possible so that his body would burn it as energy and release it into the air as heat to save the world. He also left all his house's lights on and ran 5 generators outside for no reason other than to create heat. He won a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts.

Many others picked up Mr. Gore's wonderfully refined and accurate formula to predict that it would always be day, it would always be night, they would always walk in the current direction they were walking in, elevators would always move upwards, elevators would always move downwards, a ball thrown into the air would always move in the direction it was throw forever, and many other accurate and realistic predictions. Mr. Gore won a Nobel Peace Prize for all of these making him the man most qualified on Earth to do anything.


Although there are very few who criticize Mr. Gore's theory, there are some wackos out there who survived the original purging of non-believers who don't believe his theory plausible. They, for instance, state that Mr. Gore is not even qualified to be a scientist in the first place, let alone make up such crackpot theories. Mr. Gore responded to this by saying that he was "like a zebra that couldn't change his spots." The critics had no answer to his tactful comeback, and were forced to find a new argument.

They did find a new argument, approximately 2.358 milliseconds after the original one, saying that "just because I walk to the left for 5 seconds does not mean I will continue walking to left for all eternity and the same goes for a short amount of heat for a week." Mr. Gore replied, "Your assumptions and logic are so clearly flawed that I will not even dignify you with an answer except for the one I am already giving."

See Also


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