Gordon Ramsay
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Gordon Ramsay reads his own fucking article (file info) |
| Listener Discretion Advised |
“FUCK”
~ Gordon Ramsay on everything
“Don't go near this guy, he'll blow like a faucet in summertime.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gordon Ramsay
“You think you can post a quote?!?!? You can't even make a fucking simple risotto! ”
“I'm not here for confrontation...YOU FUCKING DONKEY”
“GET THE HELL OUT! GET THE HELL OUT OF HELL'S UNCYCLOPEDIA PAGE!”
~ Gordon Ramsey on you
“What's up his ass?”
~ Everybody on Gordon Ramsay
Contents |
[edit] Biography
Since you Uncyclopedians can't write your fucking name on the fucking dotted line for shit, I'm writing this fucking article myself. My name is Gordon Fucking Ramsay and I was fucking born on November 8th, 1966 and I'm a chef. I have a fucking wife named Anna Bradley and I have a peace of shit son named Elton. Also,my fucking cousins are Sonic the Hedgehog, Elton John, Phil Collins, Roland Orzaeal, and last but not fucking least,Tifa Lockhart. I'm not a warlord, I'm not fucking a warrior, and I’m not even a grue fucking eater. I'm a chef alright, A FUCKING CHEF!!! My restaurants were fucking rated 3 fucking stars and I am famous for my fucking television programs across the fucking world. Now don't go adding shit like "Chuck Norris kicked my fucking ass" or "I yell my ass off". Cause this is not true! You are being immature and childish for adding that fag.
[edit] Early years
Two days after being born, my ass was kicked by Chuck Norris. My father was... a fucking failure, he chose to believe in all his job opportunities but never fucking managed to get one fucking job right, and my mother was a fucking trained nurse. If she was a fucking trained fucking nurse, WOULDN'T SHE BE ABLE TO FIX MY FATHER'S HEAD!?!? Anyway, my fucking life with the family was "fucking itinerant" as my family moved around, spent money all because my fucking father's a failure. All right, he's a fucking failure, he can't do ANYTHING fucking right. Well in 1976 "we" settled in some fucking Scottish village I can't recall.
In interviews, I purposely denied that my fucking father was an alcoholic; however, in my fucking autobiography. "Nobody cares about this pie", I describe my fucking life with my fucking father as a fucking nightmare with a god damn obvious alcoholic. I mean how fucking obvious is it to detect that my father is an alcoholic. You can smell it on his fucking breath. At age 16, I finally fucking moved away from my parents to a better place. Somewhere without my parents.
[edit] Football (Soccer not American Football Idiots!!!)
I was chosen to fucking play football at Age 11. My football career was unfairly marked by a number of injuries that were purposely done to me. Thanks a lot fucking football muppets! You ruined my fucking career. Let me tell you about my fucking experience I had at the summer of 1984. I WAS actively being scouted by fucking Rangers, the club I supported. When someone tripped me and made me injure my knee, seriously might I add; and even worse, I was training for fucking football. I WAS FUCKING TRAINING... But I had no choice but to train on that fucking injured leg. It felt like the devil was mocking me from above. Well how do you like this devil? FUCK YOU!!! I never recovered from the fucking injury and Rangers? They blew me off, it's stupid. I have a fucking injured leg, the least they could let me fucking do is play on their fucking team. But you know what, FUCK RANGERS, FUCK YOU. The only thing I could do was take up cooking, since it was the only thing I could fucking do!!! I LIKE FUCKIN CATS!!!!
[edit] Education
Since the Navy and Police didn't want me. I had to enroll in a local college sponsored by McDonald's, you know. The place where they make shit burgers out of shit? Anyways, entering that college was the worst decision I have ever made. Not because of the career I wanted, because of the shit food I had to eat. I had eaten 17 big Macs and I wanted no more of them, they tasted like total shit.
After my football career ended abruptly due to... You know "GUYS THINKING THAT THEY ARE GOOD WHEN IN REALITY THEY AREN'T!!!". I paid lots of attention to my culinary education by working as a chef for a restaurant over here, then a restaurant over there. Where I banged the owner's wife and she just kicked me out like a dog, A FUCKING DOG. I moved to London where I instantly got work at Harvey's as a lap dog.
After two months, I couldn't take any of this shit and I want to the head chef. I told him "STOP FUCKING AROUND" and he told me "FUCK YOU!", so I did what I normally do. I punched him in the face, kicked him in the balls then inserted stale French bread into his ass. Then I spat in his face and left to study French cuisine. Since I didn't have enough money to fly to Paris, I went to work for someone I didn't know at some French restaurant I forgot because of these pills I take. After being treated nicely around here, the owner invited me to his ski-resort; and I thought "Finally, Paris... FINALLY!!!
So I took the next plane to Paris and I worked at the ski resort for 3 years before I craved in to pressure. "WHAT GUY CAN'T TAKE PRESSURE, CAN'T A GUY CAVE INTO PRESSURE? WELL I WAS CRUSHED THAT I WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO STAY AT THAT FUCKING SKI RESORT."
Now after I got my courage back, I own and manage a lot of restaurants around the world. I'm a head chef, case fucking closed. Nothing more to add…(pout) fucking idiots.
[edit] Television
As if you thought that it was the end. YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!!! I host and create television shows that show how FUCKING SERIOUS I AM.
In 2005, I created Hell's Kitchen with Rupert Murdoch. The way I think it happened was this: Fox execs were looking for another reality show to milk. When I came in the office, walked up to Rupert Murdoch, threw my faeces at him and kicked him in the balls. Rupert fucking agreed to let me create a show for them; I swear Rupert Murdoch is a fucking weakling. FUCKING WEAK!!! The show is basically about me telling chefs that they suck so many asses. I mean they suck!!! I tasted better foods at McDonald's and you know what the food created... Hmmm, it created this F on my fucking tongue. That's right; the F stands for "FUCKING FAILURE". Because your food is crap, even if their food is good, I say it's crap because it's CRAP. They don't realize that my food is better than everyone else's! Do you hear that, Jamie Oliver!? Everything I cook has meat in it - even the fucking desserts. That's because I fucking hate animals. I once killed a deer with my bare hand - that was one delicious fucker. Also I keep some animals so at the end of the series of The "F" Word - I FUCKING KILL THEM! And I bring my kids to the slaughterhouse to watch them die - they've got to know where meat comes from, or they'll be fucking vegetarians. Yes?
Same thing with Kitchen Nightmares, I go to struggling restaurants, examine them and tell them that their restaurants suck. I don't fucking care that I'm on television, I'm FUCKING Gordon Ramsay, I go around judging restaurants like the crap and I think that Uncyclopedia is crap, well you know what Uncyclopedia I'm gonna gut you like a fish one day! (hysterical laughter).
[edit] FUCK YOU UNCYCLOPEDIA!!!
Yeah, that's right. FUCK YOU. You with your stupid usernames, your so-called admin skills and your so called humour. You fail to know the fact that the British word for humor is humour. See you fail to comprehend basic grammar and you are idiots for featuring such crap I mean "go eat shit fuckers". I'd rather throw my shit into your mouths and let you eat my shit just as a way of saying YOU FUCKING SUCK. You know what; I could do your job way better then anyone in here. I can manage this site way better then you, you know why? Cause I'm GORDON FUCKING RAMSAY. I made restaurants, I have my own TV shows, and I even have my own FUCKING CORPORATION. Something you idiots will never have. So come on you fucking idiots, are you fucking wussing out. MAKE ME A GOD DAMN ADMIN SO I CAN SHOVE SHIT DOWN YOUR MOUTHS, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CRAP. I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, I AM BETTER THAN YOU. FUCK YOU UNCYCLOPEDIA, FUCK YOU!!!
^^ Tetchy.
[edit] Sorry about that
Gordon's in a correctional institution, he's been avoiding his meds for sometime now. I'm a representative from the correctional institution and on behalf of Gordon Ramsay, I apologize that this has happened. We'll take further steps to make sure that this never happens again, as such, we're stripping Gordon's Internet Privileges, restraining him and locking him in a big white room indefinitely. Thank You for your understanding. We will be crucifying him in January.
[edit] Footnotes
Gordon Ramsay appeared on the television show 'Who Do You Think You Are' about famous people researching their ancestors. He was surprised to discover that a distant ancestor Gordian Ramases had been a Roman Emperor and that his family came from Egypt. Once he was show this news - he apparently 'lost the plot' and smashed up the film crew. This episode has still not been shown.
-Sally, The Correctional Institution (also known as the insane asylum and the looney bin)
| This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
