Gordon Frohman

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(External links: lolno)
(Sand wedge.)
 
Line 60: Line 60:
   
 
==Shovel==
 
==Shovel==
Gordon Frohman has found a weapon larger and a bit more messier than Gordon Freeman's crowbar, however it served its purpose well enough. Being that he found this [[shovel]] behind the outhouses in the old industrial sector of Black Mesa, it has a +3 poison attack when used against organic targets, and renders the user immune to [[E. Coli]]. It can be traded for a Level II Pick with Hardwood Handle, but the shovel presents a higher rate of attack and requires less Strength, Charisma, [[Intelligence]], Wisdom, and Mana to wield than the Pick, which is good for Gordon.
+
Gordon Frohman has found a weapon larger and a bit more messier than Gordon Freeman's crowbar, however it served its purpose well enough. Being that he found this [[shovel]] behind the outhouses in the old industrial sector of Black Mesa, it has a +3 poison attack when used against organic targets, and renders the user immune to [[E. Coli]]. It can be traded for a Level II Pick with Hardwood Handle, but the shovel presents a higher rate of attack and requires less Strength, Charisma, [[Intelligence]], Wisdom, and Mana to wield than the Pick, which is good for Gordon.
   
 
It played many roles during Gordon's travels, including an oar, satellite dish, spoon, #8 Iron AND a sand wedge, a sentry gun with unlimited non-ammo, and a "red sled" during heavy flows, however it up-and-quit after Sandtrips when Gordon was seen playing with an other shovel in the sand box, if you know what I mean ;-)
 
It played many roles during Gordon's travels, including an oar, satellite dish, spoon, #8 Iron AND a sand wedge, a sentry gun with unlimited non-ammo, and a "red sled" during heavy flows, however it up-and-quit after Sandtrips when Gordon was seen playing with an other shovel in the sand box, if you know what I mean ;-)

Latest revision as of 03:13, November 11, 2010

Helpsignal
Help me!

This page needs some loving attention like the kind that only an antlion in estrus could give. Seriously, it looks like this was written by a Zombine.
Please remove this template once help has arrived

Anti-Anti-Citizen One
180px-Gordon Frohman
Gordon Frohman
Date of birth 1973
Place of Birth 0000kmUnited Statesian Flag Where exactly is unknown
Nationality Yes
Work Institution OSHA, Black Mesa, then Combine Security. Now he hunts the G-Men and tries to get even with Gordon Freeman.
Weapons Shovel, RPG, Handgun, Mines, Glue-On Gun
Arch-nemesis Glue
Weakness I.Q. rating of negative numbers, and Glue
Known For Helping Gordon Freeman, taming Antlions, and for the most intelligent use of explosive barrels. And gluing his fingers together with the 0 key.
“...”
~ Gordon Freeman on Gordon Frohman (and everything else)
“If I kill you, it's because you're always hogging the sofa in the rec room, and I really hate that!”
~ Gordon Frohman on Oscar Wilde
“We're all in the same boat here”
~ Gordon frohman on Combine soldiers on trains

edit Early Life

Born into the Half Life comic "Concerned," his house was too close to the Nuclear Power Plant transmission lines which made his brother unbelievably smart, and Gordon himself, unbelievably stupid. Soon after achieving poor grades at Boston Community College and flunking out of their Theoretical Psychics program (he was always attracted to crystal balls and other shiny things), he went on a 2 year drug-binge ultimately bringing him deep into the heart of New Mexico in search of "desert spirits." He was so dumb that he never even heard of kitten huffing, which he would have instantly become addicted to and died. *whew*

After eating a handful of peyote and mistakenly wandering into the Black Mesa campus, a bewildering act considering the massive security perimeter, he had initially received the praise of Black Mesa Administration and was offered a job at the Black Mesa Anomalous Materials Research facility.

He never really got trained, though, because he was too wasted to be of any productive worth and wound up being a guinea pig for everything from investigating the health/safety aspects of handling Xen crystals to testing new battle armor to, well, testing new battle armor against even newer weapons meant to vaporize said battle armor. Everyone knew that he is too damn crazy to actually tell anyone anything about Black Mesa or the experiments (and have them believe him) in the event that he made it back out of the facility, so little care was afforded to his safe-keeping aside from regular check-ups from the daycare dept. when he was off the clock. Apparently, he likes to eat hobby paste, but NOT glue. Get it right for Christ's sake!

His concurrent employment with Gordon Freeman was kept top secret from both brothers, and general facility personnel, simply to stem questions along the lines of "What the hell went wrong with that one?" As Dr. Kleiner put it: "I chose Gordon [Freeman] specifically for this role, and I didn't want that dumb-ass to make Gordon, or myself, look like complete idiots," adding "Look at how much he has destroyed, but ask yourself: exactly what has he created? Can you name one thing?"

Often confusing people, Gordon always insisted on wearing weird blue clothes, foretelling everyone in future will wear nothing but denims, and complaining about the Black Mesa drinking water, muttering that Dr. Breen kept a "private reserve" of good water for himself. He even went so far as to scream anyone who angered him "I'll have you and everyone you know living in a fucking Bulgarian slum when I'm through with you!" He was constantly ridiculed for these kinds of ramblings.

edit Black Mesa Incident

Frohmans couch

Frohman, fed up with his Black Mesa peers, gets ready to throw down in the faculty rec room.

One day Gordon brought his lunch into the sample prep lab claiming that some asshole kept fucking with the microwave oven in the break room. While Dr. Cross was reporting his safety-in-the-workplace violation to Dr. Robinson (Warning: DO NOT bring food or drink into the test laboratory area!), Frohman spitefully changed the sample Xen crystal for a piece of Asiago cheese behind her back (Warning Again: Xen crystals taste like piss!).

The ensuing resonance cascade that occurred killed hundreds, leaving only himself, Gordon Freeman, a bunch of scientists, and a few cloned security guards alive (the few surviving security guards who were interviewed after the "incident" owed their lives to the extensive team-based combat training they received on Kamino).

After regaining consciousness, Frohman accidentally popped his back while exposed to toxic fumes; he fell into a deep mind-blowing trip. He made it through the ruins of Sector C by dodging the pastry attacks from rocking-horse people and melee combat with plasticine porters (who were actually bullsquids, and surviving scientists trying to help him, respectively).

In his intoxicated state, he absentmindedly convinced HECU marines that the science team had purposely caused the resonance cascade in an effort to topple then-president Clinton's presidential administration and dethrone the King of Namibia, thereby changing the HECU primary objective of rescuing innocent scientists toward killing the traitorous infidels. Still stoned, Frohman had tried to hit on a Female black-Op member (his judgment not quite so good as his dapper looks) but rather pissed her off and got chucked into a sewer system, swimming into the Gila river and escaping the dangers of the facility.

He was later re-captured by HECU Marines, however, while he was trying to "camouflage" himself as a horny toad... by hopping around and licking other toads' asses for a quick high. They did not believe him to be involved in the plot against the President, as per his extreme stupidity negating any chance he was actually *on* the science team, and so was offered a menial job with Dr. Breen's private Military Guard: this served both as a reward for his heroic escape and leaking the Scientists' tyrannical plan to the HECU, and to prevent him from leaving the custody of the HECU and telling the world about Black Mesa Incident. You can tell that military personnel are dumber than scientists based on that last statement.

edit Shovel

Gordon Frohman has found a weapon larger and a bit more messier than Gordon Freeman's crowbar, however it served its purpose well enough. Being that he found this shovel behind the outhouses in the old industrial sector of Black Mesa, it has a +3 poison attack when used against organic targets, and renders the user immune to E. Coli. It can be traded for a Level II Pick with Hardwood Handle, but the shovel presents a higher rate of attack and requires less Strength, Charisma, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Mana to wield than the Pick, which is good for Gordon.

It played many roles during Gordon's travels, including an oar, satellite dish, spoon, #8 Iron AND a sand wedge, a sentry gun with unlimited non-ammo, and a "red sled" during heavy flows, however it up-and-quit after Sandtrips when Gordon was seen playing with an other shovel in the sand box, if you know what I mean ;-)

Made in the USA with hickory-and-steel construction, this handy shovel could have been yours for $19.95 + s&h if you had used the "Buy It Now" option. But, no, you had to wait to see exactly how high the price would go, didn't you? Yeah, you cheap bastard, if you used "Buy It Now" you wouldn't be looking at a $27.50 bid, now would ya?! DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD BUY IT FOR A MEASLY $15 ?!?! You puckin futz.

edit Getting Served

Frohman was well suited for work in the Dr. Breen's Genetically-Enhanced Combine Soldier program, although his experiences, and resume, were limited to his short time at Black Mesa and his brief seat on the OSHA Guidelines Development Board back when benzene sold more aerosol cans than both Tag and Axe combined (known back then as "Bennies," and only the cool Soc's popped Bennies)!

Gordon's job roles varied: he was involved in producing Combine propaganda (serving as the "Before" figure); clerical services in the automotive department(he accidentally filled an order for all of City 17's APC's to be manufactured by VW instead of Combine factories, which explains a lot) and the Combine Armoury (which wound up receiving 10,000 tubes of mildew-resistant silicone sealer and dispensers instead of cool Half Life legacy weapons); a guinea pig in the weapons lab (teaching Gordon to adopt the vegetarian lifestyle); a training dummy for green Nova Prospekt guards; and even a short stint in Dr. Mossman's developmental Stolen Transdimentional Occupant Projector (STOP) program.

It was during STOP tests when Gordon was mistakenly transported to an old TFC server, and was stranded there when he experienced what's called a Paramatrical Incident, Non-respective of Guidance (PING). After being PING'd, Gordon was thrust into tireless combat between 10 year-olds and adults acting like 10 year-olds. He tried desperately to return back to Nova Prospekt using any means necessary including grenade jumping, rocket jumping, rocket/grenade jumping, sniper jumping, dispenser jumping, pipe-bomb jumping, long jumping, crouch jumping, triple jumping, and even cliff jumping. Nothing worked.

The only TFC character who even knew the term "Nova Prospekt" was that Slavic HW Guy, and he kept either pointing down some damn freshly-paved street like a fucking retard or directing Gordon to a local Lens Crafters store. After a week of complaining and pissing everybody off (Gordon never really got used to teamkill=yes), he was booted from the server and found himself back in Dr. Breen's office. Frohman was beaten harshly, but when it was learned that he was actually "FROH-man," he was hastily sent back to the office without workman's comp.

What a bitch. This time he was sent to City 17's centralized Combine Regional Armed Personnel Training Program (CRAPTP) where there were no technological developments, no fancy weapons, no teleporters, just C.P.'s learning the ropes about riot control, hand-to-hand combat, hand-to-Frohman combat, foot-to-Frohman combat, off-the-ropes-into-an-elbow-drop-to-Frohman combat, proper technique to completely empty a can of pepper spray in one usage, "You and Your Electric Baton 101," and other aspects of civil protection.

edit Gravity Gun

After 10-20 years of service working for the Combine program Gordon was finally allowed to visit the Citidel during the Biannual Excellence and Aspiration in Training (BEAT) conference. Although scheduled to be a week-long event, it was extended to 2 weeks after the destruction of Nova Prospekt wound up killing most of the veteran Combine Security Guards and, thusly, the conference had to serve a secondary purpose of enlisting and training new guards.

Nobody knows why the reactor at Nova Prospekt went Super Nova, the most popular theory is that the dual-transportation of a pair of couples was two much for the binary system 2 handle (I second that theory). Historians are currently reviewing evidence in the form of cell phone records that suggest Gordon Frohman may have accidentally called in an air strike against the prison's reactor complex (which would explain why that goddamn pizza he ordered never showed up, despite giving all those security authorization codes and shit).

Ok, back to the Citadel... A little more than one week into the conference while the guards and low-level security personnel group was viewing a nice power-point covering the finer art of pistol-whipping, Frohman got bored and did what he usually did when he was bored: followed a group of professional-looking strangers around until someone noticed him. It was just at this time that Gordon Freeman was delivered to the decontamination and inspection chamber during his raid on Our Benefactors. Gordon Frohman, along with the entire group of visiting Combine Security Administrators, were escorted into the main security control room and were about to witness a fine demonstration of the "Disarmament Field."

Enthralled by the pretty blue lights that were shining all over Gordon Freeman, Frohman was sent into a jealous rage, smashing the control panel with his shovel and pushing all the buttons he could out of anger like a fat kid watching a pile of Snickers being burned to heat somebody's home. This caused the malfunction of the Disarmament Field, accidentally overpowering the Gravity Gun, and killing everyone in the control room except for himself in a very Star Trek exploding-control-panel sort of way; Frohman was sad, and Crewman #8 would never make it home again...

edit Disappearance

Lately, Gordon had not been sighted. Some say he died in the console room, but that view is held only by illiterates because anyone who can read has already read the above paragraph. Some say he joined the resistance after being found out in the streets of city 17 during the evacuation of the Citadel, followed Gordon Freeman to the exit from city 17 and is waiting for him at the old nuke silo for a final showdown.

Gordon Freeman was not told this, nor is he expected to show up, which just proves how much of a pussy he really is. But for now - nothing is known for certain about his whereabouts except for witness accounts of Frohman during his short stint at a rebellion training camp (allegedly, Frohman was employed thanks to his prior experience in Combine training facilities, but later quit his training job after developing an allergy-like skin reaction to pheropods and razor-sharp antlion talons). It is said that he disappeared from the training camp, leaving behind only a small torn-up portion of a Combine transfer certificate mentioning something about "Borealis..."

edit External links

The games of Valve
Half-Life
Half-Life · Half-Life 2 · Gordon Freeman · Alyx Vance · G-Man · Gordon Frohman · Combine Soldier
Portal
Portal · Portal 2 · Film · GLaDOS
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead · Left 4 Dead 2
Personal tools
projects