Gordon Brown
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“Gordon Brown, texture like dung. Always a frown, that's Gordon Brown.”
~ The Stranglers on Gordon Brown
“This is a great loss for fans of Michael Jackson all over the world.”
~ Gordon Brown on the death of Michael Jackson
“I think he's trying to do my job for me.”
~ Captain Obvious on the above statement
“This is a great loss for Britain.”
~ No-one on the inevitable flushing of the Brown during the next General Election.
The Reasonably Honourable Comrade James Gordon Josef Molotov-Ribbentrop Jar-Jar Sanjeev Baskar No More Boom And Bust Crivvens Helpmaboab MacBroon, also known as The Iron Duke, The Bane of England, Gordon Frown, Iron Eyelids, Gordon Shit, Chintan Patel, The Gashman, Broon fae Troon, Our Dear Leader, Gordon Clown, No Mandate Gobshite, Gordork Brown, The Broon, The Enron Chancellor, The Ponce Of Ponzi, and also by his official titles Gordzilla, Lord Protector of the Bonuses, and Chairman Brown of the Politburo has a face like a smacked arse, is a British Member of Parliament from 1996 until the present day, and is currently the main resident of Number 10 Rillington Place, but only for the next five minutes or so. During his time in Parliament he has held the posts of Keeper of the Fondue Set, Her Majesty's Beloved Holder of the Door, and in Tony Blair's Manual Labour government was Chancellor of the Exchequer and Mo Mowlam's bit of rough, having served in opposition as Shallow Chancellor of the Exhaust, and Chancellor of the Exdraughts. He is right this very second unfortunately still Prime Minister and can thus put his feet up wherever he likes and force the Queen to make him a cup of tea.
Gorzo The Mighty is the current and unparalleled holder of the title of "Worst Term As Prime Minister Ever". While many argue that John Major should not have been knocked off the number one spot, a debate over the issue resulted in the decision being reached that Major at least won an election to justify his occupying the position, and thus Shit wins by default. The fact that the god damned shit-smeared motherfucking Tories are going to get back in at the next election should guarantee him holding on to this title for at least a couple of weeks.
Another title Gordon can lay claim to is the "Saviour of the World", having carefully guided the British and world economy into the worst recession since the Wall Street Crash through his golden policies of Prudence Through Pissing Money At Bankers, Open Government And Financial Responsibility By Off-Balance-Sheet Accounting, Cracking Down On Financial Scam Artists And Tax Evaders By Mollycoddling, Good Old Fashioned Plainspoken Bare-Faced Lying, Keeping His Goddamned Mouth Shut About Iraq Because He Has A Deal With Tony, and Safeguarding Civil Liberties And Manifesto Promises By Taking A Giant Shit On Them.
One of Flawed Gord's favourite pastimes is foiling his own assasination plots against him, since his police force is under strict orders from The Stig to passively murder him before he manages to completely destroy the world. In a 2008 interview with Nuts magazine, one of the most important of his career, Gordon revealed that his favourite M&M was the yellow one, but he said "... in the words of Homer Simpson, they all end up the same colour in the end". Let's hope the country can sympathise with him enough to get him out of England alive when he's not protected by his reluctant band of cronies, the Government.
[edit] Party Animal / Socialite
Gordon Shit is famous for his elaborate socialite lifestyle. He is often on the front page of comics read by women which feature life-long pal Paris Hilton and homosexual celebrities.
LEE WHITTAKER IS GETTING STALKED BY CRAZY EMMA
[edit] Before Year Zero
Until 2007 he was actually known as Gordon(glass-eyed pratt) Shit blazer. However, this title came into refute once he was established as Master Chef of the ethnologically-diversified Labour Party in 2007. The most commonly accepted theory for the eradication of this term is that the party deemed the term socialite as sounding too much like socialist for their comfort. From this point the alternative word "somebody" was established in all Government controlled media to describe Gordon's activities. This generic, non-offensive term was deemed appropriate for use around muslims and all variety of ethnic majorities in the UK. Currently, Gordon Shit can be8=========D found roaming the back alleys of London, looking for a shiny disc that happens to hold over 25 million people's records.
Gordon is known to often ask Paris for political advice. One well-known example is when he asked her whether Big Ben should be converted into a Mosque, to which she replied "That's Hot". Her approval of the plans was said to have been influenced by the "Cool carpets with compasses on them". He also lowered VAT because paris was a bit strapped for cash and wanted a new pair of shoes.
[edit] Chancellor of the Cross-Dresser
Gordon is an avid cross-dresser and enjoys taking money from Britain to fund this hobby. He was famously interviewed by Hello Magazine dressed as Paris Hilton whilst she was in jail. Only when Paris' mother saw the article was anyone informed that it was actually Gordon Shit in disguise. As punishment for his actions, Gordon Shit was sentenced to be beheaded by Osama Bin Laden, ironically, inside one of the Sharia Law Courts he had fought to establish under the blairite era of Tony Blair (Also known as Tony-B-Liar)- it was also shown that Brown has numerously given head to Mr B-Liar to gain this position. He escaped the sentence after being mistaken for a pig, which Muslims aren't allowed to touch because they contain Pork. With his voluptuous exterior, pig-like face and curly tail, this was not the first time he had been mistaken for a porky delight. Britney Spears famously attempted to eat him at a party held by Lindsay Lohan but he was saved after she was heroically wrestled to the ground by that bloke that plays Borat. Gordon's cross-dressing has gained him a lot of public attention from homosexually interested men - one such man leaded to a two month affair. Reports say this man's name was Emma which is still being investigated by the media.
Gordon Brown likes to emulate his hero, Paula Radcliffe by shitting himself, though unlike Ratcliffe, he does not do it with a sense of decorum. Chairman Brown has indicated that in a previous life he was former Albanian dictator Enver Hoxha - and it is Hoxha's economic policy that Brown has followed for the past 10 years - which indicates why it is that under his leadership, Britain is the most likeliest country in the G20 to be doffing their cap to the IMF and saying to sir, "Please, Sir. Can I have some more".
[edit] Policies
- Eat English people (cannibals)
- Tax on every metre driven in a car
- Tax on farting (to reduce climate change)
- Tax on listening to music
- Tax on having 2 working eyes
- Rewards to children for turning their family and friends in to the police for being racist,anti-social,having ambition,or being anti-labour
- Tax on mowing your lawn
- Tax on every metre you walk (your not getting out of paying tax on a car that easily)
- Tax on dreaming about polluting
- Tax on long hair
- Tax on the number of trees on your property
- Tax on Human Rights
- Tax on doing a shit more than twice a week
- Tax on eating unhealthy food
- Sneezing Tax
- Tax On Getting Swine Flu (to go to the banks)
- Tax on Organ Donation
- Tax on owning a house
- Tax on not owning a house
- 50% tax on money you find in the street
- 90% income tax for everyone living in a rural area (because we all know everyone in the country are toffs, so called rural poverty is nothing but Tory propaganda)
- Tax on being old
- Tax on each ejaculation so that even the wankers are taxed.
- Tax on voting
- Tax on complaining about not having a referendum on the Lisbon treaty. You know, like you have in a democracy when you're making fundamental changes to the constitution.
- Tax on complaining about all the things Labour have banned
- Tax on complaining about tax
- Tax on paying tax
- Tax on paying the tax on paying tax, tax
- Tax on paying the tax on paying the tax on paying tax
- Banning a shit load of fun stuff
- Monitoring your every move
- Tax on being born
- Tax on dying
- Tax on having a job
- Tax on not having a job
- Tax on paying bills
- Free money for bankers
- Mandatory ID cards
- Tax on ID cards
- Fellating big businesses
- Tax on pocket money for 3 year olds and up
- Tax on reading
- Tax on sitting down
- Tax on standing up
- Tax on reacharounds
- Tax on going to bed
- Tax on being British
- Tax on being not British
- Tax on being a teenager
- Tax on limbs
- Tax on spending money
- Tax on not spending money
- Tax on flushing the toilet
- Did we ban anything today? No? Well, make something up then.
- Tax on every little thing you own
- Tax on every big thing you own
- Tax on breaking a pencil lead
- The shooting or imprisonment of everyone who opposes the Supreme Leader Comrade Gordon Brown - but also paying some tax
- The foundation of the knowledge that ALL speed of ANY kind WILL kill you even if there is no other traffic on the road and you have 10000000000 safety devices fitted to your car and pay tax
- The creation of the United states of Europe, Britain to be declared Louisiana
- Inheritance Tax, except when it comes to inheriting the Prime Ministership.
- Tax Tax
- Tax on whatever hasn't been mentioned above
- Tax on still being in recession. Maybe that'll teach you bastards to be in recession!
- Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner Tax
- No you can't have a fucking referendum. Now quit asking or I'll stop this car right now.
- Fiddling his expenses, then paying some of it back Because He Hasn't Done Anything Wrong.
- Taxpayers should pay for PFI disasters for no more than 40,000 years. Or maybe 200,000 - we haven't read the contract.
- And definately some more taxes
[edit] Policies which will be rescinded by the succeeding Tory government
- The Human Rights Act.
[edit] Economic Theory
"Public borrowing should not exceed 40% of GDP." From the man who spent 94.4% of Britain's GDP bailing out bankers. Well Fucking Done Gordon. "We are not all neck deep in shit. This is melted chocolate." But lets be fair most of the shit is from his pants during PMQ's, Election, By-Elections and Speeches
[edit] Biography
An early experiment in gentic engineering, Gordon was the offspring on an unholy pairing of Jeremy Beadle and Stalin's second cousin, Igor. Upon his birth as a woman, he was immediately moved to the House of Commons, where he had been elected in utero to represent Kirkaldy East (part of Fife) as a sperm. In his youth, Gordon "Shitie" Shit dearly enjoyed football, until he lost an eye and thus qualified for the rugby team. It is not known why he does that weird thing with his mouth but it has been suggested that he is allergic to the bullshit he spews in profuse quantities. However, there is some recent evidence that this may be a little known pschological problem called "Air fellatio" (similar to air guitar) due to worries about the UK and there special relationship with the USA, in particular carrying on Tony Bliars service to George W Bush. During a short recess in Parliament, "Luxurious" Gordon Shit obtained his Bachelors Degree in Stealth Taxation, his Masters in Haircare and a Doctorate in Witchcraft. He also won the title of Rectum of Edinburgh University in unarmed combat. Unfortunately the title was cursed and he lost three skill points for five turns. Yet he soon returned to the ring in style after a pesky critter called Liam Gallagher threw an unsuspecting egg at him. The egg was not amused. Gordon "Big Job" Shit quickly retaliated and, using his sun-like texture, consequently knocked his two front teeth out. He recently fell out with Tony Blair after his lover wouldn't let him give. This resulted in Shit publicly denouncing his love for Blair and claiming that Blair hasn't started puberty, while in fact he simply went through it backwards. There are rumours that Gordon Shit enjoys to dress up in a leather cat suit whilst being "spanked" by alistar darling in jodpurs with leather glove ,boots and a whip.
[edit] Criminal record
Gordon Shit (or Flash Gordon) has been arrested several times on charges of loitering outside Tesco, harassing old women and playing 'knock down ginger' in the street. Police say that if it happens again "he will be issued with an ASBO just like his friends". He was also found to be one of those kids who "picked their noses, rolled it and flicked it at other kids" without realizing they had done it.He also likes to take advantage of old ladies whilst they shop at asda. He has been caught doing this several times but all politicians do it so they dismissed it as being a "player". Politicians have a game where they see how many cookies they can nick from Tesco by putting 1 when asked for the quantity by the self service machine (current record is 1).
[edit] The Erosion Beam
In 2007 Gordon Shit ordered the Oxfordshire County Council to construct him an Erosion Beam that will orbit the planet and be under his supreme rule. Since the Erosion Beam's completion in March 2008, Shit has used it to slowly erode cliffs beneath small coastal towns, such as Mappleton in eastern England. This colossal weapon has great potential but Shit stated in a press conference 'What can I say? I like watching small coastal towns fall into the sea'. He then fired lightning. Real lightning.
The Oxfordshire County Council are now working on a 'Credit Cruncher', a gun that is said to have the ability to raise the prices of items. If this weapon falls into the wrong hands (Gordon Shit's for example) then we are pretty much doomed to an existance of high cost.
For example, Walkers crisps will be valued much higher than most precious metals.
[edit] The Haggis Baron legend
There is however another fable about this glorious man and his rise to power.It goes as follows: Raised in the Scottish Highlands and fed only on porridge till the age of 90 the Haggis Baron is a dreadful sight. His kilt is made of his own body hair woven together. Unlike his other Scottish people he is not very hairy and the kilt is therefore on the smallish side, and as traditional among the paedophile tribes of the Outer Hebrides, he wears nothing underneath it. The Haggis Baron made his way up into the world of politics by raping fish, eventually he raped Tony Blair so violently that the Tonster gave up his job as Supreme Chieftain Of The Home Counties.
Gordon Shit has described this "secret history" as "probably not true". But we all know that he is a lying haggis-bellied shrimp!
[edit] Early Parliamentary Career
Gordon "Butters" Shit claimed in his autobiography You Want Some of This, Pal? that he entered Parliament out of a deep-seated desire to help poor people. He represented Upper Kilt Town in the House of Commons until 1994, when he duelled and slew Gareth Sadspoon with a stapler to take control of Lower Kilt Town as well, increasing his constituency to 5 people. His prowess with office equipment became legendary when he crippled Michael Heseltine with a hole puncher. Confrontation with Labour's head duellist, Tony Blair, was inevitable. When Tony Blair, ye Merrye Oute-law, wished to cross a puddle outside the Granita restaurant in Islington, he found Gordon "The Robot" Shit, a giant of a man, barring his way. He asked Shit to carry him across the puddle on his shoulders, which Shit refused to do. The two fell to battle with their quarterstaves, neither giving quarter until Tony was knocked into the puddle below. Blair, impressed with Shit's prowess, asked him to join his band of Merry Members on condition that he be henceforth known as Shit Gordon (which qualified as a hilarious pun prior to the European Regulations On Humour & Punnery 1989). Shit Gordon served Blair well, although he was somewhat overzealous: his instructions were to rob from the rich and give to the poor, whereas Shit Gordon found it far more economical to simply rob everybody.
"I'm Not a Man, But I Have A Man's Needs" Gordon claims in his autobigraphy. He also claims that he had once caught the Loch Ness Monster while out fishing but threw it back when he "saw the fear in its poor wee eyes", that he has slept with over 9,000 women, was once an astronaut and that he can crush his enemies like they are beer cans but rarely chooses to do so as it wouldn't be prudent.
After the sudden death of John Smith, "Fragrant" Gordon Shit and his close personal friend Tony Blair reached an agreement over who was going to lead the Labour Party. In keeping with Labour Party rules this was settled by nude mud wrestling, which despite his greater mass and reach Gordon "Synthesiser" Shit lost by two sore bottoms and a reverse dossier. Gordon "Mr. Spanners" Shit was awarded a consolation prize by the ghost of Dead John Smith, the Chancellory of the Exchequer and complete control over Britain's public and private finances, should Labour win the next General Election.
[edit] Chancellor of the Exchequer
Tony Blair was true to his word (stop laughing, it's true), and after Labour won a huge landslide in the 1997 election (the Tories made the tactical error of threatening to enslave the British population and force it to work in salt mines) Gordon "Slam Dunk" Shit became Chancellor of the Exchequer. Blair enacted legislation immediately which turned over all the money in Britain to Gordon "The Go-ordinator" Shit's hands. He mainly spends it on horses. Also being Scottish hespends any money he can get his hands on
As a member of the British Cabinet Gordon "Argh Argh Fucking Hell" Shit is often seen as an isolated figure, disagreeing with his colleagues on a whim, using David Blunkett as a bottle-opener, and provoking fist-fights with his older, slower colleagues. It is rumoured that he believes that the prophecies say he should take over as Prime Minister and banish Tony Blair to The Wilderness of Infinite Misery. He is also known to be upset when everyone else in the Cabinet asks to borrow money from him.
Politically, Gordon "Largely Edible" Shit remained popular with voters, and opinion polls consistently showed that if Labour were to replace Tony Blair with Shit as leader, then they would win the 2009 General Election. It was for this reason that Tony Blair ate Gordon "Creamy Thighs" Shit to gain his powers, and win the war over the land of squidward.
[edit] Gordon Shit's part in the Revolution
In 1994, the Labour Party split up into two revolutionary bodies. Firstly, New Labour, led under the young, toothy revolutionary Tony Blair, and the Social Democrats led by the old fart Michael Foot. Tony Blair and the New Labour communists had gained control during the winter of 1996 after a bloody revolution. Gordon "Dance Dance Revolution" Shit had played an important part of this revolution, mostly by robbing banks to fund for it, he had spent a number of his days behind bars but managed to escape in nearly all of the occasions by seducing his prison guards.
When Tony Blair died in 2007, he had specifically stated in his "Last Testament" that Shit would make a terrible Labour Party dictator of Britain. Although some say the "Doing Britain the Shit Way" may be the way forward for the USA, may have also been said.
Also, under Tony Blair, the Labour Party slogan was "Britain: Forward Not Back". Gordon Shit has now changed this to: "Forward the Shit Britain!"
The Supreme Leader Comrade Shit brought forth the revolution in July 2007. It is said that in 2008 he plans the complete redistribution of the nation's wealth, execution of those of noble blood, the imprisonment and torture of those believed to sympathise with Cameronism, and the hoisting of a huge red flag over the newly-empty Buckingham Palace. Hail the Supreme Leader!
[edit] Scandals concerning Gordon Shit
In the recent incidences of people buying favor with New New but Old but New again Labour, Gordon knew absolutely nothing at all about any possibility of wrong doing. In a blatant attack on his integrity by all aspects of the Conservative loving toady media any implication that he knew anything at all resulted in the deportation and the holding without charge of many journalists and TV presenters. In an act benign terror a British version of Guantanamo Bay was set up in Wales.
However this was easily justified in the interests of National Security and stopping Terror.
As such the subversive Pirate Radio Rant Any Questions was surgically removed from the air waves with a Laser Guided Tactical Death Ray bomb
Schools and Finance going cabinet as Ed Balls and wife Yvette Cooper bang away on the table or under the table in the office, in the cabinet office, in the ministerial car.
Gordon Shit in a blunder sold half of Britain's gold at 2 billion pounds (Sterling), what he did with the money is unknown but there is controversy of him spending it on Paris Hilton on one night.
Gordon Shit is still Scottish and has not had gene therapy to correct this genetic defect. This, according to the Daily Mail and Daily Express is why he's the ringleader of a Communist Fascist elite who has turned Britain into the the "Zanulabour" hellhole we see today, where a get-up-and-go immigrant is more likely to get a paid job than some unemployed native-born white moron with 2 GSCEs [sic] who demands £30,000 a year. It's a national scandal.
Gordon 'Big Dawg' Brown was also allegedly spotted down that alley behind Tesco-Express having secret meetings with Satan during the early 1980s. It is believed to have been during these meetings that the Big Dawg negotiated the deal in which he would trade his eyeball for a chance to become Prime Minister. Satan later said in an interview "The eye that I do, or do not have, is, or isn't, one of the best in my collection'
[edit] Post-PM Brown
It is not clear what Gordon Brown did after he was booted out of office by Rear Admiral Keith Chegwin on that fateful day, in 2027. Taking his final Prime Minister's questions before a packed House Of Lords, it seems that some form of tranqulizer was shot out of a bamboo shoot, which persuaded Brown, by then Lord Brown of Shitilloch and The Islands of Mcfuckdup, to surrender to the armies surrounding the Lords Chamber. There has always been allegations of that in his spare time, Gordon Brown acted as a secondary banker to the governments of Nigeria, Burkina Faso and Uganda coercing innocent and dumb Westerners to lend them their bank details and in return get a small token of gratitude. Pictures have circulated the internet, including the one adjecent to this article.
[edit] Death
On March 15 1995 Gordon Brown, or as he was known to little children at the time, Chintan Patel, was driving his Formula One racing car, said to be over the speed limit, and crashed into an erratically swerving rat, also said to be over the speed limit and over the drink drive limit (citation needed). Unfortunately at the time Gordon Brown was talking on his cell phone and eating a banana, and the banana was forced violently up his nose and into his brain, when the two vehicles collided, causing his tragic, yet morally hilarious, banana related death. This is where the campaign for not talking on cell phones whilst driving originated, and why March 15 is now internationally known as Hug-A-Banana Day.
[edit] Famous Quotes
- "Flush, You Bastard." This will be written on Gordon's tombstone.
- "And thats how not to eat a banana."
- "Since when did Britain need a good priminister?"
- "Look into my eyebrows, not around the eyebrows, look into my eyebrows. your under my flabby tits.
- "ei ewww Jimmy"!
- "My dear comrades of the United States of Europe. Me and my buggering companion Peter Mandelson have saved the World. All Hail me!"
[edit] Coming Soon
- Gordon Brown Jihad Bananza
- Gordon Brown One Man Band
- Gordon Brown Presents: Bargin Hunt
- Gordon Brown's 101 Classic Speeches
- ITV News: Gordon Brown, Man or Baloon?
- R yuz disraspectinz da PM?
- Comrrade Brown's Soviet Special
- G.Brown vs. T.Blair: The Showdown
- Comic Relief, Gordon Brown Climbs down: No. 10 Stairs
- Stalin Mk.II
- Gordon Brown Where did it all go wrong
- Gordon Brown: Top Ten Scariest Smiles
- Gordon is a paedophile
- Mr Bean goes to Downing Street
- Why Iran's election was fair: Gordon Brown explains the key tips to a rigged political process
Stop Press On December 25th 1996, Gordon Brown, released his first autobiographical book, named as the "The Little, Fat, Red Book". By Boxing Day, you could get it in the bargain bucket on Amazon for barely a quid. Some 500,000 copies of it had to be pulped, when it was revealed that it had not been proof-read by publishers, and was only read in advance by Gordon Brown's monkey, Bubbles, who did not notice that the front of the cover actually said "The Little, Fat, Shit Book". Publishers, however were delighted with the feedback from the general public, saying that those who had read it said that the title of the book, summed it up. Shit.
[edit] What Gordon Can Do Now
Nothing, he's screwed.
[edit] The 2010 election
Under British law, the ruling party decides when to hold an election, within a specified limit. Gordon will take the brave decision to strategically call an election 0.0002 seconds before the deadline, then brilliantly lose.
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff 
