Gordon Brown
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“A humongous Scotsman”
~ George Dubya Bush on Gordon Shit
“Gordon Brown, texture like sun. Never a frown, that's Gordon Brown”
~ The Stranglers on being wrong
The Reasonably Honourable Comrade James Gordon Josef Molotov-Ribbentrop Jar-Jar Sanjeev Baskar No More Boom And Bust Crivvens Helpmaboab MacBroon Shit (1997 - 2004, 2005 - 1929), also known as The Iron Duke, Gordon Frown, Iron Eyelids, Gordon Shit, Broon fae Troon, Our Dear Leader, Gordon Clown, No Mandate Gobshite, Gordon Brown Pants, Gordzilla, Lord Protector of the Bonuses, We are party of the few they are party of the many Doomed and The one that took Britain down with him has a face like a smacked arse, is a lock forward and British Member of Parliament from 1996 until the present day, is currently the main resident of Number 10 Rillington Place, but not for much longer. During his time in Parliament he has held the posts of Keeper of the Fondue Set, Her Majesty's Beloved Holder of the Door, and in Tony Blair's Manual Labour government was Chancellor of the Exchequer and Mo Mowlam's bit of rough, having served in opposition as Shallow Chancellor of the Exhaust, and Chancellor of the Exdraughts. He is right this minute Prime Minister and can thus put his feet up wherever he likes and force the Queen to make him a cup of tea. God Help Us.
(Detach jaw and breathe)
Apparently, Gordon Shit once advised Tony Blair on how to best to smuggle a doughnut and a can of Duff beer from a buffet (a technique attributed to Homer Simpson). Despite this, some young women find him strangely attractive. He was once described by a newspaper columnist as "The sort of lover who would look deep into your eyes while making love to you." Given his current methods of "making love" to the British people and the economy, we are now required to learn how to turn our heads a full 180 degrees. He's a moron, deserves to be shot.
Gorzo The Mighty is the current holder of the title of "Worst Term As Prime Minister Ever". While many argue that John Major should not have been knocked off the number one spot, a debate over the issue resulted in the decision being reached that Major at least won an election to justify his occupying the position, and thus Shit wins by default. The fact that the god damned shit-smeared motherfucking Tories are going to get back in at the next election should guarantee him holding on to this title for at least a couple of weeks.
Another title Gordon can lay claim to is the "Saviour of the World", having carefully guided the British and world economy into the worst recession since the Wall Street Crash through his golden policies of Prudence Through Pissing Money At Bankers, Open Government And Financial Responsibility By Off-Balance-Sheet Accounting, Cracking Down On Financial Scam Artists And Tax Evaders By Mollycoddling, Good Old Fashioned Plainspoken Bare-Faced Lying, Keeping His Goddamned Mouth Shut About Iraq Because He Has A Deal With Tony, and Safeguarding Civil Liberties and Manifesto Promises By Taking A Giant Shit On Them.
Far from the sensibleness of his predecessor, Tony Blair, Dark Lord Gord has provoked a huge amount of controversy, from the numerous alleged affairs, many with his right cheek man, Alistair "Hold - me" Darling (you may know him as the guy with the eye brows), but the ineffable way he runs the country. It seems he's running from his own murderous nation, instead of doing something about it...such as taking a bullet for England. Literally.
In a 2008 interview with Nuts magazine, Gordon revealed that his favourite M&M was the yellow one, but he said "... in the word's of Homer Simpson, they all end up the same colour in the end". Let's hope the country can sympathise with him enough to get him out of England alive when he's not protected by his reluctant band of cronies, the government.
He is also refered to as Shrek's Brother, but that's just insulting ogres. He has never grown a beard but is rumoured to have worn a moustache in the 1970s.
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[edit] Party Animal / Socialite
Gordon Shit is famous for his elaborate socialite lifestyle. He is often on the front page of comics read by women which feature life-long pal Paris Hilton and homosexual celebrities.
Until 2007 he was actually known as Gordon(glass-eyed pratt) Shit blazer. However, this title came into refute once he was established as Master Chef of the ethnologically-diversified Labour Party in 2007. The most commonly accepted theory for the eradication of this term is that the party deemed the term socialite as sounding too much like socialist for their comfort. From this point the alternative word "somebody" was established in all Government controlled media to describe Gordon's activities. This generic, non-offensive term was deemed appropriate for use around muslims and all variety of ethnic majorities in the UK. Currently, Gordon Shit can be found roaming the back alleys of London, looking for a shiny disc that happens to hold over 25 million people's records.
[edit] Socialite Policies
Gordon is known to often ask Paris for political advice. One well-known example is when he asked her whether Big Ben should be converted into a Mosque, to which she replied "That's Hot". Her approval of the plans was said to have been influenced by the "Cool carpets with compasses on them". He also lowered VAT because paris was a bit strapped for cash and wanted a new pair of shoes.
[edit] Chancellor of the Cross-Dresser
Gordon is an avid cross-dresser and enjoys taking money from Britain to fund this hobby. He was famously interviewed by Hello Magazine dressed as Paris Hilton whilst she was in jail. Only when Paris' mother saw the article was anyone informed that it was actually Gordon Shit in disguise. As punishment for his actions, Gordon Shit was sentenced to be beheaded by Osama Bin Laden, ironically, inside one of the Sharia Law Courts he had fought to establish under the blairite era of Tony Blair (Also known as Tony-B-Liar). He escaped the sentence after being mistaken for a pig, which Muslims aren't allowed to touch because they contain Pork. With his voluptuous exterior, pig-like face and curly tail, this was not the first time he had been mistaken for a porky delight. Britney Spears famously attempted to eat him at a party held by Lindsay Lohan but he was saved after she was heroically wrestled to the ground by that bloke that plays Borat.
[edit] Biography
An early experiment in gentic engineering, Gordon was the offspring on an unholy pairing of Jeremy Beadle and Stalin's second cousin, Igor. Upon his birth as a woman, he was immediately moved to the House of Commons, where he had been elected in utero to represent Kirkaldy East (part of Fife) as a sperm. In his youth, Gordon "Shitie" Shit dearly enjoyed football, until he lost an eye and thus qualified for the rugby team. It is not known why he does that weird thing with his mouth but it has been suggested that he is allergic to the bullshit he spews in profuse quantities. However, there is some recent evidence that this may be a little known pschological problem called "Air fellatio" (similar to air guitar) due to worries about the UK and there special relationship with the USA, in particular carrying on Tony Bliars service to George W Bush. During a short recess in Parliament, "Luxurious" Gordon Shit obtained his Bachelors Degree in Stealth Taxation, his Masters in Haircare and a Doctorate in Witchcraft. He also won the title of Rectum of Edinburgh University in unarmed combat. Unfortunately the title was cursed and he lost three skill points for five turns. Yet he soon returned to the ring in style after a pesky critter called Liam Gallagher threw an unsuspecting egg at him. The egg was not amused. Gordon "Big Job" Shit quickly retaliated and, using his sun-like texture, consequently knocked his two front teeth out. He recently fell out with Tony Blair after his lover wouldn't let him give. This resulted in Shit publicly denouncing his love for Blair and claiming that Blair hasn't started puberty, while in fact he simply went through it backwards. There are rumours that Gordon Shit enjoys to dress up in a leather cat suit whilst being "spanked" by alistar darling in jodpurs with leather glove ,boots and a whip.
[edit] Criminal record
Gordon Shit (or Flash Gordon) has been arrested several times on charges of loitering outside Tesco, harassing old women and playing 'knock down ginger' in the street. Police say that if it happens again "he will be issued with an ASBO just like his friends". He was also found to be one of those kids who "picked their noses, rolled it and flicked it at other kids" without realizing they had done it.He also likes to take advantage of old ladies whilst they shop at asda. He has been caught doing this several times but all politicians do it so they dismissed it as being a "player". Politicians have a game where they see how many cookies they can nick from Tesco by putting 1 when asked for the quantity by the self service machine (current record is 1).
[edit] The Erosion Beam
In 2007 Gordon Shit ordered the Oxfordshire County Council to construct him an Erosion Beam that will orbit the planet and be under his supreme rule. Since the Erosion Beam's completion in March 2008, Shit has used it to slowly erode cliffs beneath small coastal towns, such as Mappleton in eastern England. This colossal weapon has great potential but Shit stated in a press conference 'What can I say? I like watching small coastal towns fall into the sea'. He then fired lightning. Real lightning.
The Oxfordshire County Council are now working on a 'Credit Cruncher', a gun that is said to have the ability to raise the prices of items. If this weapon falls into the wrong hands (Gordon Shit's for example) then we are pretty much doomed to an existance of high cost.
For example, Walkers crisps will be valued much higher than most precious metals.
[edit] The Haggis Baron legend
There is however another fable about this glorious man and his rise to power.It goes as follows: Raised in the Scottish Highlands and fed only on porridge till the age of 90 the Haggis Baron is a dreadful sight. His kilt is made of his own body hair woven together. Unlike his other Scottish people he is not very hairy and the kilt is therefore on the smallish side, and as traditional among the paedophile tribes of the Outer Hebrides, he wears nothing underneath it. The Haggis Baron made his way up into the world of politics by raping fish, eventually he raped Tony Blair so violently that the Tonster gave up his job as Supreme Chieftain Of The Home Counties.
Gordon Shit has described this "secret history" as "probably not true". But we all know that he is a lying haggis-bellied shrimp!
[edit] Early Parliamentary Career
Gordon "Butters" Shit claimed in his autobiography You Want Some of This, Pal? that he entered Parliament out of a deep-seated desire to help poor people. He represented Upper Kilt Town in the House of Commons until 1994, when he duelled and slew Gareth Sadspoon with a stapler to take control of Lower Kilt Town as well, increasing his constituency to 5 people. His prowess with office equipment became legendary when he crippled Michael Heseltine with a hole puncher. Confrontation with Labour's head duellist, Tony Blair, was inevitable. When Tony Blair, ye Merrye Oute-law, wished to cross a puddle outside the Granita restaurant in Islington, he found Gordon "The Robot" Shit, a giant of a man, barring his way. He asked Shit to carry him across the puddle on his shoulders, which Shit refused to do. The two fell to battle with their quarterstaves, neither giving quarter until Tony was knocked into the puddle below. Blair, impressed with Shit's prowess, asked him to join his band of Merry Members on condition that he be henceforth known as Shit Gordon (which qualified as a hilarious pun prior to the European Regulations On Humour & Punnery 1989). Shit Gordon served Blair well, although he was somewhat overzealous: his instructions were to rob from the rich and give to the poor, whereas Shit Gordon found it far more economical to simply rob everybody.
"I'm Not a Man, But I Have A Man's Needs" Gordon claims in his autobigraphy. He also claims that he had once caught the Loch Ness Monster while out fishing but threw it back when he "saw the fear in its poor wee eyes", that he has slept with over 9,000 women, was once an astronaut and that he can crush his enemies like they are beer cans but rarely chooses to do so as it wouldn't be prudent.
After the sudden death of John Smith, "Fragrant" Gordon Shit and his close personal friend Tony Blair reached an agreement over who was going to lead the Labour Party. In keeping with Labour Party rules this was settled by nude mud wrestling, which despite his greater mass and reach Gordon "Synthesiser" Shit lost by two sore bottoms and a reverse dossier. Gordon "Mr. Spanners" Shit was awarded a consolation prize by the ghost of Dead John Smith, the Chancellory of the Exchequer and complete control over Britain's public and private finances, should Labour win the next General Election.
[edit] Chancellor of the Exchequer
Tony Blair was true to his word (stop laughing, it's true), and after Labour won a huge landslide in the 1997 election (the Tories made the tactical error of threatening to enslave the British population and force it to work in salt mines) Gordon "Slam Dunk" Shit became Chancellor of the Exchequer. Blair enacted legislation immediately which turned over all the money in Britain to Gordon "The Go-ordinator" Shit's hands. He mainly spends it on horses. Also being Scottish hespends any money he can get his hands on
As a member of the British Cabinet Gordon "Argh Argh Fucking Hell" Shit is often seen as an isolated figure, disagreeing with his colleagues on a whim, using David Blunkett as a bottle-opener, and provoking fist-fights with his older, slower colleagues. It is rumoured that he believes that the prophecies say he should take over as Prime Minister and banish Tony Blair to The Wilderness of Infinite Misery. He is also known to be upset when everyone else in the Cabinet asks to borrow money from him.
Politically, Gordon "Largely Edible" Shit remained popular with voters, and opinion polls consistently showed that if Labour were to replace Tony Blair with Shit as leader, then they would win the 2009 General Election. It was for this reason that Tony Blair ate Gordon "Creamy Thighs" Shit to gain his powers, and win the war over the land of squidward.
[edit] Gordon Shit's part in the Revolution
In 1994, the Labour Party split up into two revolutionary bodies. Firstly, New Labour, led under the young, toothy revolutionary Tony Blair, and the Social Democrats led by the old fart Michael Foot. Tony Blair and the New Labour communists had gained control during the winter of 1996 after a bloody revolution. Gordon "Dance Dance Revolution" Shit had played an important part of this revolution, mostly by robbing banks to fund for it, he had spent a number of his days behind bars but managed to escape in nearly all of the occasions by seducing his prison guards.
When Tony Blair died in 2007, he had specifically stated in his "Last Testament" that Shit would make a terrible Labour Party dictator of Britain. Although some say the "Doing Britain the Shit Way" may be the way forward for the USA, may have also been said.
Also, under Tony Blair, the Labour Party slogan was "Britain: Forward Not Back". Gordon Shit has now changed this to: "Forward the Shit Britain!"
The Supreme Leader Comrade Shit brought forth the revolution in July 2007. It is said that in 2008 he plans the complete redistribution of the nation's wealth, execution of those of noble blood, the imprisonment and torture of those believed to sympathise with Cameronism, and the hoisting of a huge red flag over the newly-empty Buckingham Palace. Hail the Supreme Leader!
[edit] Scandals concerning Gordon Shit
In the recent incidences of people buying favor with New New but Old but New again Labour, Gordon knew absolutely nothing at all about any possibility of wrong doing. In a blatant attack on his integrity by all aspects of the Conservative loving toady media any implication that he knew anything at all resulted in the deportation and the holding without charge of many journalists and TV presenters. In an act benign terror a British version of Guantanamo Bay was set up in Wales.
However this was easily justified in the interests of National Security and stopping Terror.
As such the subversive Pirate Radio Rant Any Questions was surgically removed from the air waves with a Laser Guided Tactical Death Ray bomb
Schools and Finance going cabinet as Ed Balls and wife Yvette Cooper bang away on the table or under the table in the office, in the cabinet office, in the ministerial car.
Gordon Shit in a blunder sold half of Britain's gold at 2 billion pounds (Sterling), what he did with the money is unknown but there is controversy of him spending it on Paris Hilton on one night.
Gordon Shit is still Scottish and has not had gene therapy to correct this genetic defect. This, according to the Daily Mail and Daily Express is why he's the ringleader of a Communist Fascist elite who has turned Britain into the the "Zanulabour" hellhole we see today, where a get-up-and-go immigrant is more likely to get a paid job than some unemployed native-born white moron with 2 GSCEs [sic] who demands £30,000 a year. It's a national scandal.
Gordon 'Big Dawg' Brown was also allegedly spotted down that alley behind Tesco-Express having secret meetings with Satan during the early 1980s. It is believed to have been during these meetings that the Big Dawg negotiated the deal in which he would trade his eyeball for a chance to become Prime Minister. Satan later said in an interview "The eye that I do, or do not have, is, or isn't, one of the best in my collection'
[edit] Corrupt Cunt
As above.
[edit] Coming Soon
- Gordon Brown Jihad Bananza
- Gordon Brown One Man Band
- Gordon Brown Presents: Bargin Hunt
- Gordon Brown's 101 Classic Speeches
- ITV News: Gordon Brown, Man or Baloon?
- R yuz disraspectinz da PM?
- Comrrade Brown's Soviet Special
- G.Brown vs. T.Blair The Showdown
- Comic Relief, Gordon Brown Climbs No. 10 Stairs
- Stalin Mk.II
- Gordon Brown Where did it all go wrong
- Gordon Brown: Top Ten Scariest Smiles
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff 
