Goldilocks and the Three Bears is a fairy tale told as both a story and as a moral tale of understanding set boundaries and rules. While the tale dates to the 19th Century, and is one of the more popular and enduring of fairy tales in the oral tradition, it has only become truly accepted in recent years and people's opinions to non-traditional relationships have changed.
Goldilocks and the Three Bears has four basic characters, each has a clearly defined role in the fairy tale:
- Goldilocks, a carefree young man (a bottom) of great beauty, but limited reasoning capabilities who stumbles upon the household of the Three Bears;
- Daddy Bear, the senior bear of the Bear clan who is definitely a raunchy “top”;
- Otter Bear (meaning Mother in old German) the second bear in the clan who normally prefers to bottom, decorate the house and work in the garden;
- Cub the youngest of the bears, and a versa-bottom and also goes by the name of “Houseboi”.
Once upon time, in San Francisco California, lived a young man named Goldilocks (born Trever Goldbaum), so called because of his great beauty, naturally blond wavy hair and bronzed godlike body. Goldilocks was a carefree lad, who upon reaching the age of 18 came out into the world with a certain lust for life that his parents could not understand, let alone discuss with their priest because it would have reflected poorly upon them.
After ingesting some Special K, which put his mind into a state of euphoria, Goldilocks ventured for one night out into the city and fell in with a crowd of cyclists, one of which offered Goldilocks a ride. Being somewhat disoriented, naive and new to San Francisco, Goldilocks accepted the ride and off into the night they ventured. This is really the last thing that Goldilocks remembered. Several hours later he found himself awakening in a strange place by the name of Russian River, and covered in a crusty stuff. After helping himself to a meal of more Special K, and finding himself again in a state of wonderfulness, he ventured into the woods to look for some real food.
Meanwhile, a triad-relationship household of three bears, Papa Bear, Otter Bear and Cub were sitting down to a meal of hearty stew prepared by Cub. Daddy Bear was a manly and hairy man who wore denim, and flannel plaid shirts with the sleeves cut off. Otter Bear was just as hairy as Papa Bear, but a little leaner, and a bit more prim as well. Cub was youngest member of the bear clan by at least twenty years. His body was hairy, and he sported a beard just like the other two bears, but unlike the other two his body hadn't plumped out yet, although it was his hope that it would one day.
Papa Bear said “My bowl is too hot.”
“Well" Otter Bear said in between drags on his Viceroy cigarette, "if you wouldn't have added a half of bottle of Tabasco Sauce to it before you tasted it maybe it would be just right.”
”Don't start on me Bruce,” said Daddy Bear.
Sensing yet another struggle for dominance, the Cub suggested that the bears go for a walk until tempers cooled down. This would give Otter Bear a chance to have a cigarette, and let Daddy Bear's blood pressure to come down a notch, and Cub could offer them a doobie and hopefully get everyone back into the right frame of mind. Since the family wouldn't be going very far, they left the door unlocked and the alarm system off.
Just as they were out of range, Goldilocks stumbled up the driveway. He stumbled past Papa Bear's F-350. He stumbled past Otter Bear's Grand Cherokee. And he came to rest along side Cub's Hummer. Before him was a lovely 2,500 square foot split-level cabin with definite curb appeal.
Goldilocks noticed the Bear Clan's flag of brown and yellow strips and the black bear paw hung from a pole topped with a golden pineapple, itself the sign of hospitality. Goldilocks was very tired, and even more hungry, and after knocking three times and hearing nothing he went around back and discovered, by the J'accuzzi, that the French-doors off the deck were open. Beyond the French doors, the wafting smell of a hearty meal got the better of him and he entered.
Seating himself in Papa Bear's chair he tried the stew and found that it was just too spicy. He pulled over Otter Bear's bowl and found that it had something floating in it that looked like cigarette ash. ”Yuck!” said Goldilocks. He then pulled over the smallest of the bowls and found it looking very yummy, full of vegetables and other good things to eat.
So eat it he did.
Lets peek in the medicine cabinet, shall we?
Because the Special K made him feel a bit brazen and a bit naughty, Goldilocks decided to have a look around the well-appointed cabin. When he found the playroom in the lower floor off of the media room, he thought he had found Nirvana. "How queer," he thought. There in a row were three black leather slings, the name of each bear hand tooled into the black leather. Each sling had a table next to it with toys, lube and small brown bottles of something called Rush.
Feeling giddy, Goldilocks first grabbed one of the toys, some KY and then tried Papa Bear's sling, but found it a bit large. Then he tried Otter Bear's sling and found it was not only too high and mighty, but full of really negative energy as well. Then he tried the Cub's sling and found that it fit as if it were made just him if he took him clothing off. Then Goldilocks took a hit of the Rush and played. Spent and exhausted he somehow got untangled from the sling and stumbled into the only bedroom in the house and passed out on the very big bed.
Someone has been messing around in our stuff!
When the Three Bears returned from their walk they were all in a much better mood. So much so that they didn't notice that the table, china crystal were askew. But as they kissed and groped their way into the playroom, it was Papa Bear who noticed something was a miss.
”Someone has been into my toys and my the anal beads are missing,” Daddy said while sniffing the seat of his sling.
”Not only has someone been into my Elbow Grease, but they left the lid off,” said the Otter Bear, looking with great consternation at the Cub; the rule was they all played or no one played and Otter Bear just knew that the Cub couldn't be trusted alone. "And look at the walls! Oh my GOD! They're coated in dried man-spackle! I just cleaned them too!" he pouted.
”Before you get your chaps all bunched up in a ball Bruce, that someone left my Rush bottle open and now it smells like a locker room full of old socks in here; but oddly, I don't mind,” said the Cub.
From the bedroom, the three thought they heard a gentle snoring, and together then quietly headed to the door where they found Goldilocks, asleep in their bed. The setting sun bathed his naked body, which was entwined in the paisley sheets in a gentle orange glow. His face, sweet and angelic with full, bee stung lips, belied the fine sculptured features of his biceps, pecs and washboard stomach and bubble-butt tangled in the sheets.
Now its time to mess around with his stuff
”He sure has a pretty mouth,” said Papa Bear appraisingly.
”Anyone mind if I have a crack snack?” asked the Cub hopefully.
Soon Goldilocks had the warm sensation that he was being ravaged, while he was eating a very large sausage. "How queer," he thought. When he realized that it was not a dream, he looked up and saw Papa Bear humping away, looked down at Otter Bear sucking on his toes and then he got a good look at the top of Cub's head while he busily munched away at Goldilock's crack.
“Welcome to the party” said Papa Bear smiling.
And Goldilocks felt very welcome indeed.