Golden Axe

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Golden Axe.

Golden Axe is an arcade game invented to teach children about racial segregation and was the brainchild of video game programmer and developer Makoto Uchida who's other creations include arcade classics Altered Breast, Wank War, Cry Hard Arcade and Cellulite Cop.

Golden Axe or 'GA' as no one would later call it was the first in a series of seven games; others include Wooden Axe, Big Axe, Styrofoam Axe, Rubber Axe and Foley Axel. The game is of a side-scrolling nature and has become very popular with crabs that not only enjoy the political undertones but also are able to use the simple controls with their cumbersome claws.

The game was released in 1989 to celebrate the Exxon Valdez oil spill as part of an ongoing campaign to keep peoples attention away from the news and real events of the time. Sega released it for the System 16-B arcade hardware knows as 'Magic Un-linier Personal Perspective Entertainment Television' or 'MUPPET' for short.

edit Plot

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Gillius Thunderpants

Golden Axe was a blatant rip off of Conan the Barbarian set in a fantasy medieval world known as Yoda. The story is one of revenge, heroism and heroin as those who have been wronged by the evil (yet slightly camp) Death Adder battle the forces of his evil in a bid to save the king and his daughter and reclaim the powerful golden axe which holds all the power of Yoda. The way Death Adder is able to take the king and princess hostage and steal the Golden Axe are not clear, these things should have probably had someone watching over them or something but due to some sort of cock up you must now go on an epic quest to put things right.

The player controls one of three characters, the best one is Gillius Thunderpants a battle axe wielding midget. People will often fight over who gets to be him as despite his lack of height his battle-axe kicks ass.

Like all midgets (both real and fiction) Gillius can control electricity. This caused widespread controversy over the game as this fact was not common knowledge and had been hidden by midgets for hundreds of years, for more on this see ‘political symbolism’.

The story of Gillius is than this twin brother (Phillius) was killed and raped by the soldiers of Death Adder in a brothel they both worked at in their home town of Bazzeldoore, now Gillius seeks to have his way with Death Adder to avenge his brother.

The second character is Ax Fondler, a barbarian looking for revenge after Death Adder stole his nose, he must venture forth into the land of Yoda without the aid of smell and a flat face. Ax Fondler is actually the worst character in the game, including all the villains, no one really wants to be him, and his magic is so disappointingly futile most of the villains shit themselves to death with laughter.

The third character is Tyris Flare who is the only attractive female bodybuilder in history. Her parents were both killed by Death Adder who escaped prosecution despite being charged with drunk driving. She now seeks revenge and has taken out a loan 6.7%apr to pay for her travels. Her sword isn’t much but she has the most powerful magic of the three characters, she has the ability to control fire, which comes in very useful as none of the characters come equipped with matches.

In order to use their magic however they must drink potions stolen from faries.

edit In ancient times

The ancient sport golden axe was played in late 1700s.the king would have an axe of gold Made. Then release a variety of “Monsters” such as hippies, Jews and African Americans, illegal aliens. The golden axe was given to the biggest African American to protect. The king would then select three champions to find the golden axe to exchange for fabulous prizes however as civil rights came golden axe fell.

edit Political Symbolism

It has been alleged that there is subtle political ideology woven into the game and that known member of the Hitler youth Mr Sonic The Hedgehog had commissioned the game to subliminally teach children about racial cleansing. These allegations are unconfirmed but some of the arguments for this theory are intriguing. The hero characters look like they were members of the aerien master race with blond hair and blue eyes with excaudate ‘he-man’ style physical build. to avoid controversy it is said that Jews became goblins, blacks became black knights and illegal immigrants became skeleton Warriors. the illegal skeletal warriors pissed off a lot of the mutants for taking the bad guy jobs at the time, however it could never be said they did not work hard and possibly did a better job that the resident mutants could have done.

edit Golden Axe Beast rider

Recently to make more money for their drug habit. Sega has made another golden axe game called Beast Rider .the heroine of this story is Tyris Flare. who in this game goes from town to town riding every ones beast the game was so horrible that almost all reveiwers and players immediatly commited suicide, however a noted improvement was that you finnaly got to see some tits and ass.

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