Golden Age Superman
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- Note: This article concerns the Superman of the original version of the DC Comics universe, known as Earth Loofah. Links to articles concerning notable alternate versions of DC Comics characters can be found in the List of DC Comics Universes.
The Editor looked over his horn-rimmed glasses. "What'd you call this character of yours again? Ubermensch? Like with Hitler? I think that might be good. I think Hitler might be the next big thing."
"Yeah," said the editor, oblivious. "Me too."
"And it's Superman," put in Shuster.
"Yeah," the editor said, obviously not paying attention. "I don't think the Jew thing is going to go big with the kids, actually. You should make your character more like Clark Gable."
"Superman's not Jewish," Siegel said hastily.
"He's only part Jewish," said Shuster. "He's this Jewish guy with glasses..."
"This Jewish guy with glasses named Clark Gable," Siegel said hastily.
"Clark something," Siegel continued. "This Jewish guy with glasses named Clark something, and then he puts on his space tights and he's Superman."
The editor brightened right up. "Space tights?"
"Yeah!" said Siegel.
"I like it! Every goddamn American likes space. Space and Mickey Mouse. It's liking those things that defines us as a nation."
"I invented Mickey Mouse," said Bob Kane.
"No, you didn't," said the editor. "You invented Batman."
"Same thing," said Bob Kane.
"Excuse me?" said Siegel. "He hasn't invented anything yet. First we have to sell you Superman. He's the first goddamned superhero. Superheroes are named after him. Batman is a superhero, and therefore comes after Superman. And we invented Superman."
"He invented the name Superman," said Shuster. "I invented the space tights."
"Although I invented the phrase 'space tights," said Siegel.
"That's right," said Shuster. "That's why he's the writer."
"I thought Hitler invented the name Superman," said the editor.
"Nietzsche!" growled Siegel "Not Hitler! And I invented Nietzsche."
"Just his dialogue," said Shuster. "I came up with his look."
"Amazing," said the editor.
"Yeah," said Siegel. "So Clark something puts on his space tights and flies around..."
The editor's face turned dark. "Ain't no goddamned person can fly!" he shouted.
"Well, Superman's from space, and..."
"Space nothing! Being from space don't make you suddenly immune to gravity! Ever heard of gravity, Einstein?"
Siegel and Shuster conferred.
"He doesn't fly," said Siegel. "He jumps high."
"Real high," Shuster confirmed. "Cause of gravity."
"Different gravity in space," said Siegel.
The editor's face brightened again. "I like it! So he's Space Hitler, so he can jump high!"
"Not Hitler," Shuster told him. "We don't like Hitler."
"Hitler is anti-Jew," Siegel agreed.
"Adolf Hitler has all sorts of homosexual gay ass-sex with Prescott Bush," Siegel announced.
"And his kid," said Shuster. "George Herbert Walker Bush. They have orgies all the damn time."
"I have photos," said Siegel.
"I took those photos!" said Shuster.
"I participated in those orgies!" said Siegel.
"He was in the orgies. I just took the photos. George's kid was there too," said Shuster.
"George Jr., having gay ass sex with Adolf Hitler in the form of a twinkle in his dad's eye."
"Twinkles love Nazi ass."
"George Herbert Walker Bush told me personally that if his son didn't continue to have gay ass sex with Adolf Hitler's disembodied brain every damn day for the rest of his life he would strangle that twinkle in his cradle."
"George Herbert Walker Bush loves to strangle babies."
"He told me that if his son didn't strangle one baby every day for his entire life he would strangle that non-strangling boy in his cradle."
"Love strangling kids, those Bushes."
"Not big on abortions, but love to strangle babies. And they keep the preserved dictator brains in their pants for decades."
"Funny guys, those Bushes. And I'm a cartoonist."
"He's the greatest cartoonist in the world."
"I invented cartooning. Invented it."
"I invented the word cartooning."
"He invented the word. He's the writer. He does the words. I just do the pictures."
"I invented the word "cartooning" long before I knew what it was. I just kept saying 'cartooning, cartooning' over and over again and I didn't know why. Then Joe here drew me a picture."
"He looked like I had given him the greatest gift ever. He yelled 'CARTOONING!' and pointed. Scared the Moses out of me. But that's how I invented cartooning."
"After I invented the word."
"First there was the word, and then the word was with cartooning, and the word was 'cartooning.' And I'm Jewish."
"So am I."
What does Superman do?
"So am I," said the editor. "So what does this Supermensch do?"
"Do?" asked Shuster puzzled.
"He fights crime," said Siegel. "And overlong bread lines. And hashish-smoking jazz fiends."
"And special interests, the military-industrial complex..."
"Basically he attacks the corruption of the bourgeoisie. He big on the proletariat, Supes is. I just invented the nickname 'Supes'."
"Communism, huh? I think that's also big with the kids. Okay, you guys got a deal. I like your hoozbah."
"Chutzpah?" suggested Siegel.
"That's it!" said the editor. "Chutzpah!"
"That's why he's the writer," said Shuster
"I invented chutzpah," said Siegel.
"But just the word," said Shuster. "I invented what it looks like."
"That's right," said Siegel. "He's the artist; I'm the writer."