Godzilla

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“Never has the marriage of a Lizard and an atomic bomb been so successful; never has there been any holier and most divine creature in the universe! But enough of me, let's hear about Godzilla!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Godzilla

Headline Text

Godzilla-Church

Godzilla (crocodylus pontifex), also know as Godzirra. taking some rare time off his world-stomping business to attend a local service.

Gojira (known as Godzilla in English) is the national mascot of Japan and the third most powerful and destructive being in the known universe besides Zombie Muhammad and Jesus Christ.

Godzilla's (scientific name Nukasaurus rex) most distinctive trait, aside from that of being the largest lizard alive on Earth today, is his relentless resilience and unwavering determination in his fight against Evil. While Godzilla has been defeated temporarily in combat, the behemoth has proven that he will come back repeatedly, harnessing his greatest atomic ability, Balls of Radioactive Steel, until his foe is utterly pizzowned.

Godzilla's immense power has led to multitudes of people, mostly Japanese, to worship him as a reptilian incarnation of God himself.

Godzilla exists in uncharted islands and he feeds off of marooned pirates and tufts of grass. Godzilla has no mercy for ANYONE!!! If you were to ever meet Godzilla, tuck and roll into the nearest bush!If no bushes are around... then you are screwed SORRY!!! The only thing that Godzilla can resist are fluffy bunny rabbits. (they are his weakness)

Godzilla most recently appeared in a film entitled, surprisingly, 'Godzilla'. The film also starred Matthew Broderick. Producers had doubts over Broderick's credentials - it was some years since Ferris Bueller - and were not sure he could manage a film in which his character would need to handle a terrifying monster roaming the streets of New York. But then someone said "Hey, isn't that the guy that married Sarah Jessica Parker?" and the rest, as they say, is history.

Biological Fact Sheet

Godzilla1

The Israeli armed forces attack Godzilla with missiles, which they should know by now doesn't work.

Unlike the now famous Jesus Christ (Godzilla's first incarnation), who used the powers of persuasion to defeat His enemies, Godzilla chose to focus on the subtle power of mass destruction, which he acquired through careful observation of the American Armed Forces. Godzilla may lack some of Jesus' most impresive superpowers such as hypnotic parable, water walking and turning stuff into bread, but he more than makes up for it by excelling in the art of raw firepower.

The full extent of Godzilla's arsenal is unknown, but the following powers have been confirmed by insider sources at the Vatican:

  • Shoop Da Woop
  • Breath Ray of Atomic Excommunication
  • Foot Stomp of Righteousness
  • Immunity to Crucifixion
  • Challenging sins of mankind with ocularly-emitted laser beam
  • Leaving a really huge turd on your lawn
  • Nuclear fireballs of destruction
  • Radioactive sperm
  • Hyper-Resurrection (returns in 3 minutes instead of 3 days)
  • Ability to PWN everything in his way
  • Tail Glide of Infernal Devastation (Only used on the king of the sinners, Megalon)
  • Invincibility to missiles, A-bombs, F-bombs, or other explosives of the sort.(which we should all know by now)
  • Supreme knitting (more supreme than grandma)
  • Breathing fire under water
  • Invulnerablity to a master ball

The Pentagon's efforts to map Godzilla's powers to a D&D character sheet are ongoing, although his Strength is already confirmed at 125 (or 525 in 3rd edition.)

Weaknesses

Although Godzilla is impervious to damage from any and all missiles, bombs and nuclear weapons, he can be bothered by the Dr. Phil show. The Dr. Phil show has been known to cause Godzilla to go on a homicidal rampage, killing innocent monsters seen in all the movies. Although Godzilla eats iron girders and bullet trains for breakfast, he can be reduced to tears at the sight of a small child lost in a supermarket. Also, he cannot be killed

Natural Predator

The only natural Predator to godzilla is Phone lines. they steathly wait until it's the right time the strike the giant beast.

Godzilla kick

Please don't attempt this at home... Also notice the bluriness of the camera Godzilla peed.

Bouncywikilogo6
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Godzilla.

History

Birth

Atomic Breath

Godzilla celebrates his arrival in Tokyo by destroying the Financial District using his shoop da woop attack.

Legend has it that Godzilla is an embodiment of Jesus Christ that took place sometime in 1954 by a process that scientists refer to as reptilian reincarnation. Since the very first day of his arrival on Earth, Godzilla set out to enact revenge on the Romans for killing his first incarnation, as documented some years before in The New York Times best-selling novel The Bible.

However, as he embarked on his first mission of Holy Retribution, the young and gullible Godzilla was tricked by Satan's old ally, Mothra (believed to be an incarnation of Judas) into destroying the entire country of Japan instead. Consumed by vengeful rage, Godzilla enjoyed stomping sushi shops to shreds so much that he continued doing so until the intervention of His Honorable Pimpingness, The Great King Kong, who made him listen to reason and informed him that no Romans lived in Japan at that time.

Early Years

Godzilla's first foray into the War on Evil involved challenging none other than Satan himself, who had returned to earth in the form of Megalon to enslave all humanity, starting with the Japanese. Hearing the calls of his terrified disciples in Tokyo, Godzilla charged into battle against the Lord of Lies. It was the mother of all battles, lasting an entire minute, and leveling Tokyo, Los Angeles, Paris, and most of the surrounding Middle Earth.

In the following years of His Second Coming, Godzilla enjoyed repeated success against enemies of the Church, each time destroying Tokyo in the process. After destroying Tokyo twice in five years, he destroyed it again in 1961, though the Japanese hadn't rebuilt the city in time to get fully decimated once more. Nonetheless, he defeated Evil-doers every time, and the surviving citizens of the ruins of Tokyo were grateful.

Later Years

After 1965, Godzilla fell into the vices of drinking and fornication, a period that lasted until the epic fight of Godzilla Versus His Personal Demons, which laid waste to half the liquor stores in Canada and destroyed most of Tokyo. Godzilla then attempted a comeback, with mixed success: a weak win against Frankenberry in 1991 and a series of wins by surrender against France were not enough to overcome the humiliation of a tie in a fight against Saddam Hussein.

Zilla roaring

Godzilla prays for the forgiveness of sinners.

Theologians feared the worst in 1998, when the Hollywood documentary Godzilla reported that Godzilla had suffered a devastating loss against mad French scientist Janet Reno in New York City. However, a thorough study by National Scientologist claimed that Godzilla's defeat had in fact been a hoax and concluded that his loss was "utter bullcrap", as the beast was clearly not the original Godzilla but actually an unknown fat guy in a rubber suit.

Enraged, Godzilla went on a furious rampage which once more destroyed Tokyo. He then challenged his impostor to a fight in the mysterious, uninhabited continent of Australia, and defeated him in approximately 15 seconds.

Godzilla regained the hearts of the people in 2000 when he won his most high-profile battle to date, against the Y2K Bug, which threatened to plunge the entire world in darkness and terror. This victory was a major factor in promoting belief in God around the world, particularly in America, as reflected in the 2000 election of Christian spokesman George W. Bush, a close friend of Jesus.

In 2004, Godzilla expressed the desire to withdraw once again from the public spotlight. He now lives a peaceful life in his Texas ranch. Godzilla has hinted in recent months to a recording contract for a Country music album. 2 years later, he was shot by a rocket launcher... which didn't work, as usual.

Today

Godzilla recently signed a "monster" deal, 7 years, $70 million to play basketball for the New York Knicks. He will be penciled in as the starting Center for the team. During his inaugural interview he was logged as saying "I'm here to win, get my money, and give some bitches a fun ride". He resides in Sandy Park, a private community in northern New Jersey. He stated the Nets "suck" and is thrilled to rival them from MSG. He also was cast in a supporting role in the new Chris Tucker film, Paradise City. Its due for release in December 2009.

Mother of Spyro?

According to history, Spyro was raised by dragons who found him at there temple, this is only partly true. There are sources to suggest that Spyro's mother, was in-fact Godzilla, who laid his egg at the age of 16. The father, Ignitus, tried to hide the egg, as it was proof that he was a pedophile. Ignitus threw the egg down the river, and 7 years later, Spyro came back.

Dispute

The truth of this story is disputed, as it is full of plot holes, for starters, Spyro was born in the year 666, 1288 years before Godzilla was born. However there was once a portal that liked to the 19-hundreds and may have played some role in the event. Secondly Godzilla is a guy!

Heresy

As Godzilla is an incarnation of Jesus Christ, saying that Godzilla would even think of doing such unholy things is generally considered as heresy, and anyone claiming it to be true is generally gunned down on sight. Hung, drawn and quartered. Beheaded, eaten alive by alligators, given chines tea, forced to carry this guy up a mountain, locked in a cinema with "The sound of Music" replaying 3 times, force-fed chinese tea, then thrown into a pit full of bears.

Enemies

We all know Godzilla. He has lots of enemies. Like Mothra, Anguirus, King Ghidorah,Ebirah(weakling...), Monster Zero, Mecha Godzilla, and even King Kong (whoat the time was mistaken for Donkey Kong, but he kicked their asses for that saying that he "doesn't even wear a fucking red tie"). Some of them became his allies in some point( probably because they were bored and wanted something to do because some places don't allow giant radoactive creatures [go figure]), but Godzilla said that the one opponent he would love to face is none other than Chuck Norris! Yeah Godzilla... good luck with that. (He's SO doomed...)


See also

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