“"Gawd, eh? Yeah, I'll f*ck 'em up. Dat's right. You and Me. One on one. Let's go, big guy!"”
God hates New York City, just freakin' hates it. I don't know why, but He does. Scientists and Theologians alike have speculated as to the cause of this unmitigated loathing of the Big Apple, and many theories have been proposed; one highly popular one being that when God first visited NYC he was deeply disappointed that it was not a large apple, but a city.
One theory states that God's anger stems from the fact that Jesus was mugged on the Subway in the 1970s. The Ghostbusters II theory stated that God's ire was raised by the negative emotions prevalent in the city and its love for ugly paintings. For whatever the reason, God vengeance has rained down on the windswept steppes of New York in ways that Sodom and Gamorrah could never have imagined.
Documentary film makers have produced a steady stream of tell-all films depicting the horrors an angry deity can send to a city. New York has been incredibly resilient, always rebuilding in the exact same form.
|Giant Ape||King Kong||God has sent his messenger angel, a giant gorilla named King Kong, to New York on three occasions. Once in the 1930s, again in the 1970s, and finally in recent months.|
|Army of Giant Robots||Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow||In the 1930s (despite what the documentary title would have you believe) God, working through a mad German scientist (honestly do they come from anywhere else?) sent wave after wave of giant robots to smash and steal stuff. They were believed to be unstoppable until some British dude in his airplane stopped them.|
|Ghosts||Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II||God, in the guise of a Babylonian deity and an Eastern European tyrant, plagued the city with spectral apparitions and poltergeists.|
|Alien Death Ray||Independence Day||God's wrath was visited upon NYC again in the form of a giant UFO that hovered menacingly above the Empire State Building before firing an incredibly destructive death ray.|
|Chunks of Meteor||Armageddon||While the giant meteor the size of Texas was destroyed in space, small chunks of the rock destroyed the Chrysler building, and several other New York landmarks. But Bruce Willis saved the rest of the world by getting pwned in the face with an asteroid.|
|Comet Induced Tsunami||Deep Impact||When half of an enormous comet hit the earth, NYC and the rest of the US eastern seaboard was inundated by a huge Tsunami. It is a tribute to the tenacity of New Yorkers that the city was rebuilt after this calamity.|
|Giant Lizard||Godzilla||The giant radioactive lizard who God generally plagued Tokyo with briefly rampaged through NYC, though the documentary film on the subject was His punishment on everyone who saw it.|
|Giant wave that freezes over during new Ice Age||The Day After Tomorrow||New York is hit by another giant wave, but this one freezes over. The wave was just the start of the trouble, the real killer was the frozen reverse hurricane. God was especially pissed that day as he missed a re-run of his favorite episode of friends.|
|Alien Tripods||War of the Worlds||Not content with dropping mere giant flaming rocks from space, God sends in an alien invasion force, until they are stopped by the tiniest thing imaginable: Tom Cruise.|
|Giant Amphibias Monster||Cloverfield||Feeling a need to return to the classics but still keep it fresh, god let loose another giant monster but threw in some smaller monsters that bite people causing a reaction with all the crap in the typical New yorker's stomache resulting in their explosion.|
|Alien and Robot||The Day The Earth Stood Still||God sends yet another punishment to NY; THIS TIME 2x! He sends a robot and an alien down to the city and they kick everyone's asses. this happens once in the 1970s and again in recent months|
One wonders when New Yorkers will have their fill of God's rage and change their ways...or move to Los Angeles...but that's another article.