God of War 2
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
God of War 2 is a video game released on the Playstation 2. It is the sequel to God of War and is heralded by most to be the best thing ever aside from Ultra Jesus, along with God of War. It is also one of the most kid friendly games ever put out, for any system. Seriously, kids need to play this to grow up normal,this being because of the way Kratos handles with his day-to-day problems.His tension relieving methods include: killing his mother, and his wife, and his daughter, and his cat, and little puppies, and his brother , and 1/3/17/121-eyed monsters ,and some Gods for fun.
At the end of the first game, Kratos killed Ares and became the shiny new God of War. However, Zeus got pissed at Kratos for cappin' Ares (Zeus' main homeboy), who still owed him 70g's.
Kratos, who's basically angry and pissed every minute of every day and enjoys screaming "I am the God of War!" over and over again, decides to get together some of his homies and shoot up to Rhodes to, y'know, massacre its inhabitants and shit. After a bit of bitchslapping between the SPARTAAAAAAAAANS and the Roadies, the Ballsuckus of Rhodes gets zapped by Big Bird and comes alive. Kratos rips off its hand and it has a nap in the middle of battle. Pfft. Baby. After a while Hey-Zeus shows up and throws the Spork of Paralympus into concrete and tells Kratos to hurry the fuck up and kill this sonuvabitch statue. Kratos, the dumbshit that he is, wastes all his godly power (and fluid) into the Spork, but manages to SABOHTEEORE the Ballsuckus from the inside.
Unfortunately, Kratos acts like a douchebag and accidentally gets hit by the Ballsuckus' hand. Bummerrr. Zeus-ey shows up again and totally pwnz Kratos in a mano-e-mano duel, and the God of War wakes up in Tartar Sauce, the Underworld.
Kratos is revived after Gaia sings the "Meow meow meow meow" song, which is his favorite song of all time. It's that good. He then gets on his perpetually-burning flying cat and raids Typhon's crib, gaining a speshul magikkul bouww and the ability to burst into flames whenever he wants. Handy! After landing on the Island of Procreation, originally the retirement home for the Titans (featuring lawn bowls, a volleyball court, and yummy yummy food), Kratos wastes some Barbarian and gets a fancy new warhammer, which you will never, ever use within in the game. He then steals a Golden Meece (two mousies), and uber-blasts the door to Miss South Carolina's apartment, and cuts off her head. Naughty naughty! Miss South Carolina's head causes anyone who looks at it to turn into brain-dead retards, which is helpful for teaching Iraqi and South African children the values of education.
edit Kratos Fell Down the Well
Kratos runs away from Miss South Carolina's mom, doesn't see where he's going, and falls down The Big Fucking Hole in the Ground. Luckily he snaggled chicken wings from the KFC in Athens, and landed on top of Rosie O'Donnell, the Titan in charge of annoying the crap out of everyone and ruining children's lives at the Nickolodeon Kid's Choice Awards. Learning her special cooking moves from Martha Stewart, Kratos managed to super-jump back to the surface of the world and crack some cyclops skulls.
edit Inside the Temple of the Crates
You're probably wondering why Kratos is going to all these places. Who the fuck knows. Shut the fuck up and keep reading, alright?
So anyfuckingway, Kratos releases some uber-feenickz that flies away to a tiny pillar in the middle of the Big Fucking Hole in the Ground. Swearing under his breath, Kratos totally stabby-stabs one of his anonymous army buddies, who reveals that all of SPARTAAAAAAAAAA had been destroyed by Zeus. Pissed off, Kratos has a hissy-fit and crub stomps around the courtyard as a gigantic hulking thee-munthtah waves its tentacles around and yells.
edit Spire of the Crates
After a bit, Gaia raps to Kratos about abstinence, and is encouraged to continue the fight, even learning to burst into even more flames! Golly!! Kratos basically rapes that crack'a'latin' Kraken with an extendable bridge and rides the feenicks to the top of Cratalicious Spire. He then has a brief spaz, smashing a 100-feet tall bust of Zeus and smokes some bad pot, giving him flashbacks to his pwning of Ares back in the days. Eventually he winds up in the Crate Sister's kitchen, and demands some apple pie THIS FUCKING INSTANT, FOR HE IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN!!!. Of course, Crate Sister #1 doesn't have any apple pie (she ate it all) and proceeds to fight. After a somewhat intense grappling-oriented combat with semi-topless Crate Sister and her Candy Cane of Death, she randomly morphs into a Samuel L. Jackson clone who grabs Kratos and throws him into a trippy time gate/barrier/watchamacallit. Kratos realizes this is the spot where he pwned Ares and Sammy's trying to fuck up his past.
“I'm sick of this mothafuckin' Kratos on this mothafuckin' sword!!”
After a brief fight with Sammy clone, Kratos locks up the mofo in a ultradimensional uberinfinite multicellular bilingual parachute. Or paradox. One of the two. Pissed off, Sista Sista Numero Uno throws a temper tantrum, and Kratos turns Supernanny (complete with terrible British accent) and calms her down with a bottle of warm milk... and his Blades of Chaos. That oughta shut her up.
edit Fatty Fat Fat Clotho
Finally, Kratos keeps going down a wheelchair ramp of death while facing a never-ending barrage of cannon fodder and a couple of grues (although not too many, grues can be extremely dangerous, even for Kratos), he comes across this mega-fat bitch with lots'o boobies and waving, clawing arms. Impaling them with conveniently placed stabby things, Kratos climbs up to the last floor, looks at Clotho, and vomits. Who wouldn't? Using a bowl of Trix as a distraction, Kratos runs a 2x4 wooden stake through her head. Silly Clotho, Trix is for kids!
edit Fucking Finally!
Using the Time Twister borrowed from Crash Bandicoot, Kratos supa-haxorz the time continuum to the time when he died.
After a Hollywood style showdown with Zeus, in which Kratos stabs Zeus 13,546 times but does not kill him, Athena throws herself in the fray, gets stabbed once and then dies defending Zeus. Kratos then Hacks time again to go get all the titans from the past and assaults Zeus' crib on Olympus (and the million or so MTV Cribs cameramen below).
edit Downloadable Expansion Pack
Yes, they decided to make one. In this DXP Kratos, for some reason, still feels guilty. He now deflects his rage to the beer vulcano, where he has to face His Noodliness
edit Combat System
God of War 2's combat system is so awesome that the term awesome cannot encompass its sheer awesomeness. Your main weapons are the blades of Athena, which look exactly like the blades of Chaos from the 1st game except that they're the same. The new secondary weapons are the Barbarian Hammer; a big red hammer that kills anything smaller than a minotaur in 2 hits, The spear of destiny; a big purple spear that makes enemies asplode and the Blade of Paralympus; basically a Blade of Artemis that shoots lasers. You also gain numerous Magic attacks, such as one that smashes the ground and makes rocks twice the size of Kratos fly around and kill things.
The centerpieces of God of War's combat system are the various brutal
fatalities finishing moves you can perform on each enemy. These range in brutality and complexity from ripping the head off a Gorgon and raping its head and choking a cyclops with the raped head, to stabbing a big squid...thing in the throat with a bridge.
edit Magic attacks
- Atlas Shake: Contrary to popular belief, Kratos does not actually smash the ground with his hands, he actually creates a milkshake using double chocolate-chip cookies, happy-fudge, and ultra-whipped cream. It's quite good, although it doesn't actually kill anyone.
- Cronos' Rage: Cronos gives this power to Kratos even though he his dead. It lets Kratos summon mega disco balls of death that kill things fast.
- Miss South Carolina's Head: The decapitated head of an aspiring Britney Spears that Kratos carries around as a trophy, the Miss SC's Head continues the confused stare she did in life. Enemies don't turn to stone unless Kratos presses the hyper-square button. Exact Copy of Janet Jackson's nipple in the first game (can be also used for a blowjob).
- Typhon's Bane: The first magic attack Kratos conveniently finds by stabbing Typhon in the eye, this bow is made out of wind, shoots arrows made out of wind and conjures hurricanes with the ease a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat.
- Poseidon's Thundaga:Poseidon's Thundaga returns from God of War 1 now with Kratos saying Jibba Jabba that He is Better than you and Proves that he is the real God of War! cuz He's The God of War!
- SPARTAAAAAAAAAN LAAAAAAAAASER: The Ultimate weapon of SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!. Kratos most favored second weapon. Shoots lasers through a man's head
- Time Travel: The ampified version to control time. Like the ability to slow the hell out of time, Kratos can travel in time. While he was busy doing that, he told his best friend Leonidas that the fat spastic dude betrayed him from 300. And in return, the war resulted the victory of SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!.
God of War contains a large variety of quaint things for you to stab, butcher, chop in half, decapitate, etc.
edit Common Enemies
- Cannon Fodder: Target practice for your bow.
- Puppies: Makes you feel to guilty to kill them with their cuteness, then haxors the server to transform into Satan himself and eat you. Spawns more puppies that then haxor the server, and they then rape you (assuming the first one didn't eat you yet).
- Soldier: Sword. Stabby. Bad.
- Cyclops: Comes in three sizes. Small cyclops just punch around and die somewhat easily. medium cyclops carry a big club around and pose a pretty big threat to your awesomeness. "Ah shit I'm dead" cyclops kill you fast. You can rip out 20 eyes to get a secret outfit (though you can only rip out the eyes of "Ah shit I'm dead" cyclops. Good luck)
- Chicken Trumpeters: Dies easily, tastes like chicken. Only one thing to note: They summon Cyclops. The big 'Ah Shit, I'm dead' ones.
- Sirens: Supermodels that Aphrodite changed into monsters for banging her husband. Their singing is so horrid it makes your character commit suicide. Twice.
- Archer: Snipes you with it's 1337 skills. Weakest footmonster in the game.
- Harpy: Winged clones of Britney Spears. Fun to kill.
- Minotaur: The end product of your mother banging the cow god. Carries around a weapon bigger than itself, clearly making it an anime reject.
- Gorgons: Uses various attacks to turn you to stone. They then knock you over and laugh at the remaining pieces of petrified you.
- You: Are you that fucking stupid? You you, not Kratos you. Dumbass.
- Dante: comes out occasionally to rant about how much cooler Kratos is than him. Also fun to kill.
- Grue: Stay on your gaurd when they are in large numbers they can rip your balls off if your not careful.
- Colossus: Big golden statue that you dismantle from the inside, but which then breaks all of your bones in one hit. Ouch.
- Theseus: Greek Spear wielding guy who thinks he's better than Kratos you. Slam his friggin' head in a door a few times and he changes his mind.
- Barbarian Chief: Obscure man from Kratos' back story who wants to kill him from some reason.
- Euryale: Uglier than anything else in the game apart from Clotho, tries to flatten Kratos for killing her brood. Kill it fast and forget her afterwards.
- Perseus: Invisible little brat who shoots you with a slingshot. Doesn't stand a chance against Kratos' awesomeness.
- The Last SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAN!: Some SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN!!! who came to the island to save SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!. Kratos kills him unintentionally, and turns emo for a short time afterwards.
- Kraken: Big ugly squid thing with acne. Almost kills Kratos while he is emo, but Gaia bitch slaps him into fighting it.
- Lahkesis: Half Naked sister of fate whose name is impossible to spell. Shoots lasers at you and tries to smite you with a really big staff.
- Atropos: Sister of fate who looks like the grim reaper. Tries to mess with your past so your present doesn't exist. Don't mind the time travel and just kill her.
- Clotho: Oh my god, I'M BLIND! That's so fucking ugly! Get it away! Kill it quick! Agh! ...Ahem. Third sister of fate. Ugly as hell. Has more boobs than your mum has STI's.
- Zeus: The big badass himself. Can kill you in 1.2 seconds if you're not careful.
- the Flying spaghetti monster: Final boss of the DXP, continually shoots pasta at you. He is cut into pieces with the blade of paralympus and boiled by Kratos to serve as his dinner.
- Pinkie Pie: A secret easter egg lets you find Pinkie Pie and you'll have to kill this horse. She was then thrown away by Kratos and lands on Tempenny's grill, where she is then eaten by Kratos and some corrupt cops, just before Kratos killed them too for the lulz.
edit Challenge of the Titans
The Challenge of the titans is a series of 7 challenges unlocked by beating the story mode with one hand. The challenges can be effectively placed in 4 categories: Cakewalk, Meh ,and "did they design this to be possible?", and "How is it fucking possible!?".
Phone operator: Yes, we'll have someone to contact you.
Kratos: I'm The Titan of War--er... GOD OF WAR!! (Kills you by slowing time and tossing a spear at you) Once again, fucking telemarkters!!
Costumes are unlocked by beating certain challenges in the game.
- Cod of War - Kratos wears a giant fish costume resembling some form of rainbow trout.
- Hercules - The character model changes to that of Hercules.
- Hydra Armour - Kratos wears a full body of armour made out of the Hydra's head.
- God of War - Kratos wears a costume of a giant God Of War game box.
- Tofu - Unlocked by beating all Challenge of the Titan challenges with A ranking.
- Gaia of War - Player takes on the role of Gaia and spends the first 15 hours of the game sitiing in a fucking cave until rescued.
edit Possible Sequel?
Well, duh. If Daffy Jaffe lives, there'll be another God of War. No doubt about it. But for all you nonbelievers (SHUN) Jesus, Buddha, Quetzlcoatl, The Undertaker, Chuck Norris and Jane Fonda (Satan) have all decreed that God of War is seriously the best fucking game in the whole fucking galaxy - except the Cheese Galaxy, that would just be crazy - and millions more sequels should be made until our heads explode with its sheer awesomeness.
edit Titan Mode
Unlocked by beating the story mode under 2 hours. This is basically the normal story mode on steroids. Chuck Norris has not beat this game, or any other game for that matter, as he can't seem to press buttons on the control without destroying them.)