God of War

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about God of War.

edit Summary

Jackwright
Jack Thompson is the head of the God of War fan club

Ok I'll summarize it up for you, you play as a crackheaded former KKK member whom is very pissed off and very bald, he's pissed off at the Gods because he couldn't lynch Hades because he thought Hades was black cause his skin was so burnt from spending his days cooking in Hitlers oven. So because of this he snorts some crack whiter than his skin and goes FUCKING NUTZ killing everyone who gets in his way. Raping Athena in her godley vagina, bitchsmacking Zuess in the face, and then killing his bitch-ass poney-boy son Ares; becoming the God Of war. Only to get pissed off yet again cause they took his godley powers away because he couldn't get his dick sucked by Bill Cosby. So in a violent rampage started from nothing, he killed everyone in the universe. THE END... "wait someones at my door, hold on I'll be right back.".............."I AM THE GOD OF WAR AND I HAVE KILLED THE GUY WRITING THIS! FUCK YOU ALL" love Kratos :)

edit Plot Synopsis

ffffffffffffff, a SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN warrior so angry that he exploded with rage when he discovered the god Ares had sexed his cat. With this in mind, he set off on a quest of vengeance against Ares, travelling the length and breadth of Greece, which now has a desert right next to Athens for some reason. In order to kill Ares, Kratos needs the power of a plot device Pandora's Rubix cube, which he must earn by killing a horde of monsters in the aptly named Temple of Pandora. When accused of making this and most of the game's levels filler, Sony Computer Entertainment Santa Monica's CEO replied: "Shut up! We gave you boobies and bitchin' weapons, godsdammit!"

Kratos is assisted by Ares's sister Athena throughout the game, because she cares more about a bunch of moochers in her city than her own brother. Various other gods also stab Ares in the back by giving Kratos magical sandwiches that give him superpowers and ability to slow time faster [1](in his war against Persians in 300 in which he took over Dillios' mind and went out of it) for no apparent reason. Kratos is also assisted by Your Mom a topless Oracle and a Deus Ex Machina Gravedigger.

edit Combat System

God of War's combat system is so awesome that the term awesome cannot encompass its sheer awesomeness. Therefore, henceforth it shall be referred to as hyperawesome. Your main weapons are the Blades of Chaos, which are on fire, and therefore hyperawesome. The Blade of Artemis is intended as an alternative for the Blades of Chaos, but this didn't work out because the Blade of Artemis is not on fire, and thus is not hyperawesome. (There is a definite link between hyperawesome and fire. Interesting.) You also gain numerous magic attacks, such as one that summons zombies which kill your enemies via singing Celine Dion music. Weird game.

The centerpieces of God of War's combat system are the various brutal fatalities Limit Breaks finishing moves you can perform on each enemy. These range in brutality from ripping off the wings of harpies, to ripping out a Cyclops' eye, raping its eye, choking the Cyclops with the raped eye, fucking the corpse, eating the corpse, throwing up the corpse, shitting on the corpse then proceeding to repeat the process with the Cyclops' entire family, including its dog.

200px-Wallpaper god of war 01 1280
Ouch, sucks to be him.[2]

edit Magic Attacks

  • SEX ON THE FUCKING BEACH: Souls on a quest for revengeance on people who wronged them. Their main purpose it to fly around haunting penis people with their soul clouds. Also, rigor mortis.
  • funny bone strike: Shiny weapons that don't hurt Kratos while he holds them due to him being the main character. Given to Kratos by Ares's deadbeat father Zeus.
  • Shit cannon of Leonidas: The ultimate weapon of SPARTAAAAAAAAA.Kratos will simply sit on the toilet of the cannon and shoot shit from it.
  • Medusa gets head: The decapitated head of a Gorgon that Kratos carries around to scare people at parties. Useless otherwise; a better item is Medusa's Penis.
  • Poiseidon is a fag: The first magic attack Kratos conveniently finds, Poseidon's Lightning causes a ship with Shelly Winters on it to sink. Why? Who cares, it's God of War.
  • hoe of Artemis: An overly huge sword. Seriously, perhaps even larger than Kratos' ego. Perhaps Artemis needed something with which to please herself, since she was still a virgin. (Can you blame her? All the other gods were related to each other and still fucked like rabbits.)
  • Epic fuck: This weapon enables Kratos to defeat Xenu during his sleep by throwing mashed peas, can be enhanced to destroy Gordon Brown if mixed with Red and Green herbs from Raccoon City
  • Absorption of red orbs after sex The statement speaks for itself.

edit Enemies

God of War contains some quaint things called 'enemies' that give you something to do while marvelling at the excellent architecture.

edit Common Enemies

  • Cannon Fodder: Target practice for your lightning bolts.
  • Puppies: Makes you feel to guilty to kill them with their cuteness, then haxors the server to transform into Satan himself and eat you.
  • Soldier: Sword. Stabby. Bad.
  • Kratos Clone: From a time when Professor Miles Warren cloned Kratos, which then became the Scarlet Kratos. They later team up.
  • Cyclops: Has infinite health and the offensive power of a thousand suns. Luckily, it's incapable of combat maneuvers beyond "smash". Kind of like the Hulk, only without the extra testosterone. And flabbier. With one eye.
  • Sirens: Supermodels that Aphrodite changed into monsters for banging her husband. Their singing is so horrid it makes your character commit suicide. Twice. (So, on the whole, preferable to Christian Rock music.)
  • Archer: Snipes you with it's 1337 skills. Weakest footmonster in the game.
  • Harpy: Winged clones of Britney Spears. Fun to kill, less fun to clean up.
  • Minotaur: The end product of your mother banging the cow god. Carries around a weapon bigger than itself, clearly making it an anime reject.
  • Dante: comes out occasionally to rant about how much cooler Kratos is than him, then whine how he's "not even supposed to be here today!". Kill the bastard.
  • You: No, not Kratos, You.
  • Huge 3-headed Cat/Dog/Lama: Tries to shoot you with its load,which is on fire. It would be worth noting that killing its little cat/dog/lama babies will turn it into Pedo-Bear,resulting in a horribly disturbing death.

edit Bosses

  • Medusa: That one gorgon that Kratos have to literally rip off her head. Useless, but works.
  • Giant Grue: A friggin' huge Grue that Kratos have to slay. Might as well perform a cleansing ritual. But likely you would be eaten by one before you could take out the power supply. you have to be on your guard in this boss fight ALOT or you'll die but if you do win yyou'll kill it in an extremely gruesome manner.
  • Ares: The central villain of the game. Literally kills Kratos with a toothpick.
  • Mecha-Minotaur: After Kratos punted a minotaur into space, it came back 3 times bigger with kickass armor. Luckily for Kratos, there's a quaintly convenient flaming-log cannon for no reason.
  • Hydra: Giant trillion-headed sea-worm-thingy. It's normally passive, but it's diet consists mainly of you, unfortunately.

edit Unlockables

edit Challenge of the Gods

The Challenge of the Gods is a series of 13 challenges unlocked by beating the story mode blindfolded. I don't know what they're like. I can't get past the first one.

Call this number to talk to Kratos: 1-888-447-5594...the conversation will follow for you:

You: Hello?

Kratos: I AM THE GOD OF WAR! (Kills you through the phone line.) Fucking telemarketers.

edit God Mode

Unlocked by beating the story mode while jumping on a pogo stick and playing the banjo. This is basically the normal story mode on steroids, marijuana and melange. The only 10 people to ever beat this mode are Jack Bauer, Homer Simpson, Galactus, Jesus, Jon the Chilean Stallion, Bwarg, Kratos himself, Leonidas (he and Kratos are best friends), Kervinle2500, and Chuck Norris Dabigmac 3 times cause he is awsome stared at it for a while, then smashed it into several thousand peices. Not forgetting AAA; but he is not truly included in the list as he IS the God you have to beat when you complete these Challenges blindfolded and backwards.

Top from Bwarg, to beat this mode you will need three things. Thing one - the game. Thing two - a controller. Thing three - No life, for you will be spending every waking moment screaming your ass off because you will die at almost every time a group of enemies gangs up and begins to rape you. They do that a lot. It's Ancient Greece, remember?

edit Problems with the game

I know what you're thinking, God of War is perfect, no prblems, woop-dee-doo. Well, you're all WRONG right! There is many problems, in this jewish game that hitler should have turminated during the holocost: Pandora's Box. Kratos' quest to find this box that is supposed to hold the ultimate power to defeat the God's. Ooooh! I hear you say. Well, after beating the fucking puzzles, and fighting countless enemies, and getting past the Cliffs of fucking, bloody, tear-your-hair-out Madness, youu get it, die , revive, re-obtain the box and open it. You sit there thinking, yes, this is it, this is where I get to see what the Box does to Kratos. You sit there wondering what mystical power will transform Kratos, and what happens? He grows. He gets bigger. Thats it. The ultimate power is to grow a few feet! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggh

edit Things God of war is inferior to

edit Things God of War is on par with

edit Notes

  1. Seriously, ALL Spartans abuse time control
  2. This is why you shouldn't mess with him
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