God particle

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God-thumbs-up

Without the VEV of God to break SO(3)_{Moral} gauge symmetry, we wouldn't know that this conduct was morally upright.

“As they weren't discovered while I was at school, I actually don't have an opinion concerning these particular particles... Hey that rhymed! Everything I say is funny, I just can't turn it off. Wow.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The God Particle
“Darn, they found it! I really thought I had hidden it better than that.”
~ God on His particle
“bullshit”
~ Steven Hawking on The God Particle
Bouncywikilogo5
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about God particle.

The God particle is a hypothetical fundamental particle in the Standard Model of religion. It is a component of the God field, which spontaneously breaks the SO(3)_{Moral} gauge symmetry, endowing the moral vacuum with direction, and giving a definite meaning to concepts such as morally right and upstanding. Without the God field, decency, sanctity, and family values would be massless. Morality would only be defined relative to the surrounding society, and the comparison would be ambiguous in the presence of a nonzero SO(3) field strength. In God's spare time, it is believed that He goes on publicity tours with physicist Leon Lederman, helping him sell more pop-science books.

God?

The God particle doesn't look like this, but is responsible for the way his beard hangs

The God Particle is worshipped by the followers of Physicism. The God particle isn't a ball as we visualise it but an indiscrete entity, like pollution, or rape. It is therefore impossible to visualise, unlike Jesus. This makes physicism less popular than Christianity, although it could win in a fight. Worship of the God particle began, in effect, when the sub atomic theories and quantum physics were adopted by Christian scientists. As always, the addition of another prophet to a religion just made it more violent. If Einstein wasn't an atheist, he would be a Physicist, but he didn't need a God, as he married his Cousin. Forget his hair, that guy was freaky for other reasons. But he wasn't gay. I digress...

edit Mass

Atom

In the name of the Proton, the Neutron, and the Electron Cloud. Amen. Notably, this isn't a particularly holy atom, as it only has an atomic mass of 4. More Worthy is Unnilquadium, which is a whole lotta atom

The Gospel of the Higgs Boson is effectively relativity, but dumbed down a bit. As the God Particle is responsible for mass, fat people are considered holier than attractive size zero models. Members of the religion meet, ideally every Sunday, to take part in Mass.

A typical mass would go as follows.


Priest - Yea, we all come together under gravity, let the Lord our Particle hold us together, with a non-polar force.
Everyone - Unlike Static electricity or magnetism
Priest - Gravity, the weakest of the forces, but the only bisexual one, specifying no preferred charge. Holy bender of time-space. Lift up your hearts.
Everyone - We lift them to the lord
Priest - Can you feel their mass?
Everyone - Yes, Oh Lord, make us heavy.
All come forth and share communion, eating lead wafers, and drinking mercury, so as to become heavier.
Priest - The Lord be with you
Everyone - And also with you
Priest - Lord grant us that all attraction is purely physical, and that we revel in the shallow glory of Gravity.
Everyone - Amen
Priest - Right, who pronounced it "Ay-Men"... It's "Ah-Men", you stupid slave.


Some more modern versions of the Physicist church try to do away with the ecclesiastical nature of this communion, and as a result are full of Black people, who say "Ay-men" and annoying born-again physicists Like you, Camilla Gale and Phedre Nicholson, and that Zimbabwean girl as well! who don't actually understand the gospel as they didn't pay enough attention in Physics class, but make the most noise about it, and kill the most abortionists. A Physicist's mass is not to be confused with atomic mass, which does not really venture beyond an atomic level.

edit "Evolution" of the religion

Einstein

That rare thing, a Jewish Atheist Physicist

ha, funny story, I was once approached by a crazy christian missionary lady, and she said to me that I should worship jesus etc. And I got into a debate with her. Eventually I came to the point where I was trying to explain how a religion could just be a group of beliefs that try to spread through a population and ended my sentence with "It's called memetics". She responded "Yes, I know that, actually". What the fuck? Like hell she knew what memetics were. She was clearly bluffing. She did seem a bit crazy though, mybe she's dead now. Anyway, as with most religions, Physicism is actually judaism but with loads of extra stuff. The tree of its development could be shown as follows:

Judaism - Mostly Jews in a desert being tortured by a racist, homophobic, sexist, psychotic God.

+ Jesus
= Christianity - Sanctimonious Gentiles suddenly feel it involves them, even though it clearly states otherwise in the Old testament
+ Mohammed
= Islam - Everyone hates them because they don't eat pork, and for some reason are at war with Christians all the bloody time!
+ Relativity
= Creation Science - This shit never makes sense, I think they are havin' a laff.
+ Quantum
= Physicism - The World's least sexy people find beauty and religion in subatomic interactions and bent time space.

edit Finding God

This particular "God of the gaps" is very elusive. We can see its effects, in the way that Matt Groening's gut hangs over his belt, but The God Particle might not be responsible, so it might not be his effect afterall. To spot the deity, the truly pious undergo a pilgrimage to CERN, and look for god in the Large Hadron Collider. If they are lucky, he will send messages to them, scrawled in a weird yellow line in what I used to think were cloud chamber photos but are actually computer rendered. Some very holy people are told to lose weight by the Lord, supposedly a great blessing, as it means that they are more holy than necessary, but many choose to continue to gain mass, in tribute to their Lord.

Physicists believe that when we die, the atoms of our body do not lose mass, because of the second law of thermodynamics, and therefore our masses are immortal. In forums, if you say that when you die you will become one with nature via the immortal nature of atoms, everyone will ridicule you, and if you then say that you have a degree, they will assume that you come from America, and not New York or Britain.

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