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"Son of a bitch! I knew I should have made them more like my dog. Creating them in my own image.. what was I thinking?"
~ God on Adam and Eve
Template:Katwijk God is a vindictive psychopath who supports George Dubya Bush and his 'crusade' in Iraq, a country filled with swarthy skinned non-Christian. His Pro-Life followers on Earth kill doctors and young women who have been raped several days prior 'out of love for the children', to quote Michael Bay. The all knowing-all loving god of the universe is responsible or all natural disasters, wars, horrific infectious diseases and Republicans on planet Earth. He creates homosexuals so they can be one of many flashpoints of hatred and ridicule for his followers on Earth, in case they get bored with starting wars, brainwashing children or making war with followers of any of the many other religions He created. He also created people of color, which he called 'niggers', so that they should be slaves for white Europeans and Americans.
He has assumed many names and forms over the years, but 'Yahweh' is his most popular name in the west today. People in Israel and Palestine sometimes call each other names, throws stones at each other, fire tow missiles at each other and bomb schools and hospitals because they can't seem to make their mind up about God's name. God of course considers this a laugh riot and watching the action in Palestine and Israel is major entertainment in heaven. There are righteous bookies in heaven with which pious souls bet on how many people will be killed as a result of sectarian violence in the next 10 minutes. 3267 is the most popular bet.
He created the universe during his week off from burying dinosaurs a few thousand years ago to kill some time (and a few trillion of his fantastic new creations through war, famine, disease, murder and reruns of Friends). He told his original two creations he could see everything they did, like all parents do, but when they misbehaved in the front garden he was nowhere to be seen. As revenge he decided to bless America and let it control the world. Thanks, Adam and Eve.
God likes to keep himself healthy by exercising on a regular basis and sticking to a healthy diet. According to pastor Fred Phelps god is also a non-smoker. Phelps likes to spread this message by carrying a board which proclaims that 'God hates fags'.
Quick Guide to God
God is love, and anyone that who tells you differently will have a scorching fireball engulf him for all of eternity.
God also known as the G-Man has been known to use his Earth shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, causing plagues, famine, swarms of locusts that attack people, punishing the very first people He created in His own image, and Martha Stewart.
God, like any loving parent, likes his children to behave in a polite and civilized manner. Anyone who steps outside the narrow boundaries of God's strict behavioral code are called 'sinners'. Acts of sin include communism, liberalism, studying science, Practicing Judaism, Islam or any other religion not associated with him, protected sex in college, masturbation, using contraceptives, killing fertilized eggs (embryos), drinking (God changed his views on this sin after billions of people began dying of dehydration) and smoking dope; although since god's followers on Earth are usually shareholders in tobacco companies, smoking cigarettes is not a sin.
Examples of God's will on Earth include the invasion of a WMD armed country in order to free the land of its dictator/former western "ally" and secure its strategically important land, while giving away $22,000,000,000 of the money belonging to the people of the country that has been freed. Other actions that go along side this include interrogating humans who disobey God's brave soldiers, who unfortunately laugh at their interrogators because they fool gullible Americans into thinking they've been "tourtured"; they do this by smashing their heads againgst the walls they are secured to in an attempt to kill themselves. Other actions include melting children’s skin to the ground, and winning the hearts and minds of people by leaving their hearts in one place and their minds in another.
Because God is pure love, anybody, even good people of the purest heart, who do not believe in Him are forced into eternal suffering in Hell. However, evil selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, even those He has condemned to burn forever. Those doomed to eternally burn in Hell, however, may take solace in the fact that according to the Bible Heaven is, in fact, hotter than Hell, both literally and idiomatically.
For more in-depth discussion of this subject, consult the Bible, which is the definitive authority on all things religious, as it was written by God Himself and directly given to us mere humans to treasure forever, although most actions carried out by God, such as the creation of the universe, are phrased as "God created the heavens and the Earth..." as opposed to "I created the heavens and the Earth...".
God created Man, the Earth, the solar system, all the countless trillions of stars, galaxies, quasars, black holes, wormholes and the entire universe itself in six days. This wore God out so he rested his eyes on the seventh day. God's actions on the eighth day are not well documented. Even though modern science, logic and physical evidence have proven this is total bullshit, every last word of the Bible is the truth. As a final act of love god suggests that anyone who tells you that the Bible is not true should be "stoned to death".
God was never born. He just always existed. He also doesn't die. This sort of makes writing a biography a drag. So we won't. His various autobiographies, however, are best sellers worldwide.
Since the 19th century, some have claimed God is dead. However, in 2005 FOX news refuted this claim with recent footage of God, saving us writing time. Also, he appeared to give His full unconditional support of the Republican Party in the year 2004.
In His spare time, God enjoys exercising by creating rocks so big that even He can't lift them. Unfortunately, he also created a demon so powerful even He couldn't control it, and as such the world has been under the influence of this demon since the beginning of this century. The Bible does point out that the end of days will come after the millennium, so the new prophet, AKA George Bush, has pledged to destroy what is left on the Earth that can be destroyed. Of course the Bible also starts most sentences with "And" and says that Jesus will return with white hair, eyes of fire, brass feet, and a sword sticking out of his mouth (Rev1:13-16), so perhaps it is not the best book to turn to for prophecy, truth, authority and whatnot.
The new prophet claims that all people on Earth who do not follow his example possess weapons of mass destruction and must be destroyed. Recent examples include North Korea, Iraq and Iran. Soon Venezuela will have real WMDs. Some other brave rulers on Earth such as the gracious and righteous hero Tony Blair Witch feel the best way to please the new prophet is to stick his head up his arse and donate his own soldiers so they may be killed in God's name. This doesn't always go down well with the subjects that the Blair Witch rules over.
One thing that Caucasians have always agreed with is that God is white. God is balding, with a big bushy beard. He usually sits in a motorised wheelchair and listens to his iGod, which contains only Death Metal. He is also a porn addict.
God wears a pair of zebra striped flip flops with Bart Simpson socks. He also wears a red and yellow spotted dress, the upper half of a lime green tuxedo with a multicoloured bow tie, a Dalmatian skin balaclava with a pair of Elton John’s sunglasses and a Burberry baseball cap back to front.
Strangely, the ancient Jews originally conceived of God as a gigantic bull-headed human with a gigantic penis hanging out from underneath his grass skirt, and that he had an uncomfortable relationship with his wife Asherah and an extreme grudge against his estranged son Baal.
Indeed, God's dress sense, gender and form has varied since humans invented him. The first time we saw god he looked a gigantic yellow and orange smiley face who moved across a room covered with sky blue wallpaper. When the Egyptians came on the scene they decided that one God wasn't good enough. They decided to make up a number of gods that could increase indefinitely over time. Gods in Egypt usually took the form of a buff cat with huge conical ears, wearing a baseball cap and smoking a pipe. These cats were generally yellowy-grey in appearance and stood as high as 200m. These gods still exist in Egypt today, but their bodies have been covered with sand and only their ears are now visible. One thing that is completely certain is that all gods everywhere have a wristwatch of some kind.
The Greeks adopted a similar domestic policy which decided on who or what God was. The Greeks carried on the Egyptian policy of multiple Gods but they decided that all the Gods would look different from one another. The first God of ancient Greece was a 90cm tall creature with a spiky blue body and who had the ability to move across the screen at ungodly speeds. The God's stomach, mouth and ears were gold colored and he wore white gloves and red and white trainers. He was hailed as the God of movement.
The Romans decided to take the God principle one step further by giving him a son. They called him 'Jesus'. He was an underweight hippie who walked about half naked wearing nothing but a set of curtains and a pair of sandals that were made from an old tire. The Romans soon bored of him and forced him to be on the popular but dangerous Roman gameshow called "Crucifixion!". Unfortunately, as with all contestants on "Crucifixion!", Jesus died while playing.
Due to God's unrelenting reign of horror over innocent people and blessing of sub-human psychopaths, some people on Earth consider him to be something of a twat.
Some people on Earth claim that even the most gracious and loving men in history such as Genghis Khan, Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Chairman Mao and Saddam Hussein are much less loving than God. Some people believe that god should bestow more love upon Earth in the form of few more hurricanes, floods, earthquakes and pandemics of deadly diseases to prove his love of man. To this end a group of American evangelicals decided to sue God in a landmark legal case.
Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch on the other hand felt God had already proven his love of man beyond reasonable doubt and wrote a long document detailing the evidence. The evangelicals broke from their normal habit of accepting reason and logic and decided to sue anyway.
The US Supreme Court ruled in favor of the evangelicals and demanded that god hand out more love in the form of a category 5 hurricane, the most destructive in US history, upon the God blessed people of the United States.
Other Cultures and God
Many different cultures around the world see God in their own Special way, but all of these ways are wrong except for our way. As mentioned earlier God has assumed many names and forms over the years from a topless strip pole dancer called Aphrodite to a group of turtles holding up the Earth. God is of course a bearded man in a tuxedo wearing a dotted bow tie and a pair of Nike Air trainers. It is not known how, when or why God was created, or who created him. Many people claim that the only ‘rational’ conclusion is that God created himself. This is, of course, impossible as He just always was.
Some people have claimed that God may be a woman since men are not known to give birth to children. Theologians refute these claims stating that women are worthless and were only created to bring temptation and shame to Adam. Religious societies rarely hold women in high regard (see Saudi Arabia).
Since nobody could make their minds up the various faiths began to wage war against each other. The Supreme Being, well know as being a lover of irony, found this quite amusing. Thus, he will still create new religions from time to time, when not busy in alternate universes messing with the inhabitants.
The creation of the universe
The Bible, which is of course a factual and flawless account of the history of existence (omitting the spelling errors of course), details the creation of the infinite expanse of the universe being created during God's week off. There is an ever increasing group of godless, hell-bound individuals on Earth who doubt this is the case however.
This group of godless deviants who are collectively referred to as 'physicists' have shown that the all points of the universe are expanding with a velocity proportional to their displacement from the original site of the creation of the universe. The theory goes that the universe came about as a result of a 'big bang' and everything began to expand until the universe as we know it today finally formed.
Another group of even more evil individuals collectively known as 'biologists' have shown that life did not come about from some guy who came out of nowhere blowing into a handful of manure, but had come into being due to a steady process of evolution driven by a process of mutation, variation among the offspring and natural selection over a process of 4,500,000,000 years.
The proof of this theory is that if God couldn't go for seven days without a rest then how could he have worked non stop for 4.5 billion years?
A miracle is a good thing that happens when one would expect a bad thing to happen. An example of this might be George Bush falling down the stairs leading to an aeroplane hatch and breaking his neck once Airforce One lands in your country.
Miracles are usually carried out by humans, and the humans in question often get pissed off when God takes credit for their actions. Recent miracles carried out by humans include:
- American and British soldiers risking their lives to save an ungrateful bastard who was being held prisoner in Iraq.
- A Canadian pilot navigating an aircraft to safety after it was struck by lightning. A kind of ironic miracle I’m sure you’ll agree.
- John Prescott not exploding.
- Making up God quotes
- The ring of power
- God's Playground
- God V. Nietzsche
- Jewish History
- Mrs. God
- JR "Bob" Dobbs
|The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy|
|Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan|
Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Jeez, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan