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“God is dead.”
“You bet He is!”
“Nietzsche is dead. Guess who won that bet?”
God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah and Jehovah to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Devil's food cake. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.
The First Bet and Creation of the Universe
Just before Creation, on the night preceding 23 October 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the Celestial Poker Game, Satan bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet. According to an account by Archbishop James Usher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.
In just six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why he still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him.
The First People: Adam & Eve
- God created the first man Adam from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle, and placed him in a magical garden called Eden, which was in Nevada. Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God "prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring." But God discovered Lilith was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made Eve.
God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sex-changed clone Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told them, "thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.
Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked couple the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4-5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges and they started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Banquet.
Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were "fucking ugly." They promptly covered up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being smart-arses." God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to New Jersey.
The brother and sister didn't die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years. They declared themselves God and Goddess, created Utah, the Mormon religion and Atlantic City, and beget like, well, rabbits. This became known as incest. In their spare time, they founded civilization. In time this was regarded as a mistake by the majority of their descendants.
God never bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.
God Starts To Lose, Decides To Flood World
1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to one of its many ad breaks. God decided to take this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realised that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for drastic action.
God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation, so Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had created, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel. So God had to think of a plan to save Noah and his family whilst leaving the rest to die.
How this was done is detailed in Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): "And God, in his infinite wisdom, told Noah to build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive. And he saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every clean animal and put them on the ark, with the words "I'll bet you £10 I can find the Komodo dragons first!". Once this was complete, God thanked Noah. Following this, God brought upon a rainy spell that lasted 40 days and 40 nights, and all the world was flooded. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbeque summer, said he 'felt like a right twit.' Then he drowned."
Jesus Arrives, God Enters North America
- Main article: Original Jesus
After a few thousand more years watching and betting on football, God became bored. During the break, which was about 4 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the Angels Cheerleading Squad, God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called "Love." He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself "The God of Love." (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it "Sex" and himself, "Hot Stuff.") God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad's only virgin. She was a girl between the ages of 12 and 16, and according to Reverend Loveshade, God found her "pretty tasty." Her name was Mary Virginia Lolita Davidson Josephwife, for she was betrothed to a carpenter named Joseph. God ignored the ring on her finger, and wooed her in the traditional Godly way - with a heavenly light followed by dinner and a movie.
Unfortunately, all did not go as God had planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God's Holy Protection, so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be "great with child." It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The angel said, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. Also, could thou spare some money for a cab?" (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.
God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of South America, while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of North America. God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named "Emmanuel" (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the foetus was a boy. When he realised it wasn't, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God and simply changed one of the infant's X chromosomes to a Y. Then when, on the eighth day after the infant transsexual's birth, Mary and Joseph called him "Jesus," God claimed "Jesus" was just Puerto Rican for "Emmanuel" (it wasn't, but Satan didn't know this because he'd never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.
God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as "God the Father."
The Temptation Bet and The Crucifixion
By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an "elder" (Yiddish for "big-headed"). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Rev. G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for "personal reasons no one can be bothered to explain." But Rabbi Sinister Craven wrote, "Don't expect a goy Gentile to understand Jews. Moses the Lawgiver fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on Noah of Arc who organized the first floating zoo. So that copycat Jesus? Don't ask me anymore about Jesus."
God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn't use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.
Satan started by trying to convince Jesus that he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn't do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain, and told him that everything he saw could be his, if he bowed down and worshipped Satan. Jesus didn't do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn't do it.
Satan, humiliated by his defeat, agreed to give all his souls to God. He secretly marvelled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn't know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stoney bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn't bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had vertigo. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He tried to collect His winnings. God would have won, but at the last moment Satan noticed that the robe of the supposedly starving Jesus had a mustard stain, and Jesus had a bit of ketchup in his beard. The bet was off.
But God did not give up. He felt sure His son would continue his father's deceptive ways when Jesus said, "I am Christ, and shall deceive many." (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind his son that his name was in fact Jesus, not Christ. Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus healed himself, and distanced himself from his Father God.
Jesus began telling people, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6). God believed His son Jesus was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God the Father sent His consigliere Judas to betray him, and Jesus was executed on the cross.
This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, created and sent the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus became a Trinity of Gods. This increased His power and gave Himself three seats at the Celestial Poker Game.