God

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[[Image:HelixNebula.JPG|270px|thumb|God is watching your team lose. He's gonna send somebody around to collect later.]]
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{{CotW}}
{{Q|God is dead.|[[Nietzsche]]|God, 1882}}
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{{California warning}}
{{Q|You bet He is!|[[Satan]]|God, 1886}}
 
{{Q|Nietzsche is dead. Guess who won that bet?|God|Nietzsche, 1900}}
 
   
'''God''' (who also goes by the aliases '''Yahweh''', '''Allah''' and '''Jehovah''' to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, [[Unicorn|unicorns]], the [[Loch Ness Monster]], [[Big Foot]], and [[Devil|Devil's food cake]]. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.
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[[Image:HelixNebula.JPG|270px|thumb|<big><big><big>[[wikipedia:Eye_of_God|GOD IS WATCHING YOU!]]</big></big></big>]]
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'''God''' (A.K.A. '''Notorious G.O.D.''') is. Now that we've gotten past that, and ignoring the wisdom in [[How_to_be_funny_and_not_just_stupid|the article we all should have read]], [[Idiots|we]] think atheists are the son of [[Yaoi|lesbian dragons]] and a fictional character in [[Fox News|Fox]]'s longest-running soap opera, [[Bible|The Holy Bible]]. That's why they hate God. Unfortunately, in order to spice up the sometimes dull story, the editors re-cut the footage to make atheists look like total assholes. [[Richard Dawkins|Richie]] was elected to be our god for the fifth year running this year, because humans choose who god is going to be. Nobody made us, and we'll prove it. [[Ray Comfort|Bananaman]] barely beat the Egyptian sun god Ra, Stephen Colbert, Green Day, Omnipotent [[Odin]], and the Almighty [[Zeus]] (still recovering from alcoholism). Then the Mike Gravel of the election was Xenu and the Fascientologist Party. [[Dog]] is "god" spelled backwards. It has not been widely reported, but a majority of the most prominent leaders among dogs proclaim that this is a good reason for them to be anti-powerful on earth. It's just a matter of reversal, that's all. As of the 3rd Qtr of 2005, the [[Nazi Party]] claimed the largest share of ownership of the idea that God doesn't exist. It should be noted that the idea of God has been under the investigation of the [[SEC]] several times, because of the attempted claiming of two dependents, a supposed "Holy Spirit" and a "Son", who have never been seen by authorities. However, God has made the argument that as they exist on the same plane as himself, he can list them as dependents if he "damn well pleases".
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God is also the father of [[Jesus]] (born Jesusathan John-Madonna), the famous actor who made many cameos in [[South Park]] and made a brief appearance in year 0 for a red-carpet appearance for SPEECH ON THE MOUNTAIN: THE MOVIE where he was brutally murdered by rampaging Romans. His co-star, Judas, famously masqueraded as a Roman to get away safely. Jesus' fan club never forgave him.
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God is said to have been one of the founders of [[HooplaNet]].
   
==The First Bet and Creation of the Universe==
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NB. '''God''', the sentient embodiment of love forgiveness,kindness and touching people on the bottom '''in a friendly way''', should not be confused with the [[Wal Mart|American deity]] '''[[Gahd]]''', who is the sentient embodiment of war, the right to shoot Mexicans and the organised hatred of homosexuals.
Just before Creation, on the night preceding 23 October 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a [[UnScripts:Who built the moon‎|non-existent game of poker]] with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the Celestial Poker Game, [[Satan]] bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet. According to an account by Archbishop James Usher, 17th century [[Ape|Primate of All Ireland]], this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.
 
   
In just six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, mushrooms and [[Creationism|fake dinosaur bones]]. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch [[football]] as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why he still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him.
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[[Image:The Garden of Eden!! Oh, wait....no it isn't.......PNG|thumb|right|300px|After Adam and Eve pissed God off, he has hidden the garden of Eden. No one has ever found it since. Ever.]]
   
==The First People: Adam & Eve==
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==Early Life==
[[Image:Durer_Adam_and_Eve_s.jpg|thumb|left|Adam and his mate Eve. From the 16th century ''Madam I'm Adam'' by [[Albrecht Durer]].]]
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God has always existed. He was never born. Even before pre-existense existed. [[Image:Mr._janitor.jpg|thumb|God made the guy who drew this fish janitor for SBSP]]
- God created the first man [[Adam]] from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle, and placed him in a [[magical]] [[Garden of Eden|garden called Eden]], which was in [[Nevada]]. Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God "prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring." But God discovered [[Lilith]] was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made [[Eve]].
 
   
God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sex-changed clone Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told them, "thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.
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== Present Activities ==
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God is alive and well and without him all of your atoms would burst like you got in a tuffle with [[Jean Gray|Dark Phoenix]].
   
Satan, on the other hand, told the [[Nudism|always-naked]] couple the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4-5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges and they started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Banquet.
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==Quick Guide to God==
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[[Image:Pat_Robertson_as_God.jpg|thumb|right|[[Pat Robertson]] is the [[televangelist|voice]] of God. But don't take our word for it—ask [[Pat Robertson|it]] yourself!]]
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God is love, and watches over each and every human being on [[Earth]] to make sure he or she has a [[happy]], successful life. He's like your butler in the sky, there to serve your every whim. It's all about you. Unfortunately, God's Earth-shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so here I go! *Hmmmph! Hmmmph!!!* There now he doesn't exist, can't send me to hell (said the osterich with his head in the sand), and won't decide who wins the [[Super Bowl]] (much more important to me than God's glory).
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[[Image:Divine_retribution.jpg|thumb|left|God enjoys declaring random bits of land to be Holy Ground, and will smite any who walk on it without taking their hats off and making a donation. Unfortunately, this leaves a bit of a mess for the janitors.]]
   
God became so angry at losing the bet, he ripped off Satan's arms and legs. Because of this, Satan became the first [[Snake|serpent]] and God became the first [[Mafia|Crime Boss]].
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God has been known to use his Earth-shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the [[Bible]]. Examples include: [[The Great Flood|Flooding the world]], [[Sodomy|burning cities]] to the ground, and [[Bubonic Plague|causing plagues]], [[famine]], and swarms of [[locust]]s to attack people. Because [[Idiots|we]] know better than he does, we're in a position to judge him, and he's our cosmic butler to do our bidding. He's not butler-ing good enough for [[Idiots|me!]] [[Fool|I]] will continue to reject his rule. [[Fool|I've]] decided he doesn't exist, so don't go telling me it's alright for him to judge his very own creation. It's not like he made it or something.
   
Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were "fucking ugly." They promptly covered up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being smart-arses." God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to [[New Jersey]].
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In one of the earliest documented cases of [[Multiple Personality Disorder]], God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is composed of The Father, The Holy Spirit, and The Son- or Jesus-. God was not always composed of Jesus however, He just decided one day to include Him, then send Him down to Earth to get around His own "wages of sin = death" rule, because God of course is not capable of '''breaking His OWN RULES''', is he? Yep, they're rules he arbitrarily made up. They don't stem from his very character and nature, he just made them up for the whim of it. Either that or [[Fool|I]] don't understand what perfection is, therefore god can't exist. The [[second law of thermodynamics]] is that chaos goes to order, right?
 
The brother and sister didn't die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years. They declared themselves [[Donald Trump|God]] and [[Eris Discordia|Goddess]], created [[Utah]], [[Mormon|the Mormon religion]] and [[Atlantic City]], and beget like, well, rabbits. This became known as [[Incest|incest]]. In their spare time, they founded [[civilization]]. In time this was regarded as a mistake by the majority of their descendants.
 
   
God never bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.
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God likes people to worship and sing to Him, especially in kind of [[gibberish]] known to [[linguistics|linguists]] as [[glossolalia]] and known to worshippers of God as "speaking in tongues". A rather dubious gift of the [[Holy Spirit]], this is an apt phrase, as many people have died due to their singing getting so messed up with their tongues trying to articulate God-inspired gobberish that they have ended up choking. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want, especially by letting you win the lottery. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them; a bit like [[Santa]] at Christmas, just all year around, every day all day.
   
==God Starts To Lose, Decides To Flood World==
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Because God is pure [[love]], anyone, even a good person, who doesn't believe in Him in exactly the right way is forced into eternal suffering in [[Hell]]. So far in history, only five people have gotten their theology exactly correct. However, evil, selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever.
1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils [[football]] game, when it went to one of its many ad breaks. God decided to take this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realised that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for [[Murder|drastic action]].
 
   
[[Image:ThinkerToilet.jpg||200px|thumb|God asks Himself, "Hmm, what could I use to create a flood?"]]
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For more in-depth discussion of this subject, consult the [[Bible]], which is the definitive authority on all things religious, as it was written by God Himself and directly given to us mere humans to treasure forever. Every word of it is literally true, without exception. He even translated the Bible for everybody in later years.
God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation, so Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had created, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite [[gay|fond]] of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel.<ref>Not to mention that Noah still owed him money from their last wager.</ref> So God had to think of a plan to save Noah and his family whilst leaving the rest to die.
 
   
How this was done is detailed in Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): ''"And God, in his infinite wisdom, told Noah to build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive. And he saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every clean animal and put them on the ark, with the words "I'll bet you £10 I can find the Komodo dragons first!". Once this was complete, God thanked Noah. Following this, God brought upon a rainy spell that lasted 40 days and 40 nights, and all the world was flooded. The [[weatherman]], who had predicted a barbeque summer, said he 'felt like a right twit.' Then he drowned."''
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Note carefully that no human can ever know God's will. Except the [[Pope]], because he has a mind-bogglingly cool [[hat]]. And a stick.
   
==Jesus Arrives, God Enters North America==
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==The Real Atheist==
:''Main article: [[Original Jesus]]''
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Austen Smith is the actual atheist of the universe and caused life to begin on a petri dish. He commonly kills subjects such as bacteria and Nathan Leslie.
[[File:Wet tshirt muschis.jpg|thumb|left|The [[Angel|Angels Cheerleading Squad]] lines up for the Gridiron national anthem. Bet you're glad it was raining that day.]]
 
After a few thousand more years watching and betting on football, God became bored. During the break, which was about 4 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the [[Angel|Angels Cheerleading Squad]], God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called "[[Love]]." He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself "The God of Love." (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it "[[Sex]]" and himself, "Hot Stuff.") God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad's only virgin. She was a girl between the ages of 12 and 16, and according to [[Reverend Loveshade]], God found her "pretty tasty." Her name was [[Virgin Mary|Mary Virginia Lolita Davidson Josephwife]], for she was betrothed to a carpenter named [[Joseph]]. God ignored the ring on her finger, and wooed her in the traditional Godly way - with a heavenly light followed by dinner and a movie.<ref>Doesn't sound impressive until you remember that movies didn't exist yet.</ref>
 
   
Unfortunately, all did not go as God had planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God's [[Condom|Holy Protection]], so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be "great with child." It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The angel said, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. Also, could thou spare some money for a cab?"<ref>It's a long ride back to Heaven.</ref> (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.
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==The Communist Atheist==
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Obviously he has to be either stalin or marx that created the whole world and began life as everything in existence becoming automatically communist even trees were paid the same as stinky sheep, the tree said 'why do stinky stinky sheep eat and shit when i create oxygen and we get paid same what the shit'. Then came atheists who huffed a fully grown orange male cat on anti gravity toast the powers were truly immense allowing him to easily rid the world of communism but stopped at china and russia he said 'i cant be asked, I'm too lazy and I claim God doesn't exist because I hate him.
   
God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of [[South America]], while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of [[North America]]. God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named "Emmanuel" (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the foetus was a boy. When he realised it wasn't, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God and simply changed one of the infant's X chromosomes to a Y. Then when, on the eighth day after the infant transsexual's birth, Mary and Joseph called him "Jesus," God claimed "Jesus" was just [[Puerto Rico|Puerto Rican]] for "Emmanuel" (it wasn't, but Satan didn't know this because he'd never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.
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==Biography==
   
God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as "God the Father."
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[[Image:Contents.jpg|200px|thumb|Evidence that God is still around and writing the Gospel according to George Clooney on the GAT.]]
   
==The Temptation Bet and The Crucifixion==
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God was never born. He just always existed.<ref>Some theologians disagree on this point, arguing that even God could not survive the boredom of doing nothing for an infinite amount of time before creating the universe. One theory holds that He pulled himself up from down, possibly by [[idiots|my]] opinion.</ref> He also won't die. This sort of makes writing a biography an endless torment. So we won't.
By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an "elder" (Yiddish for "big-headed"). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Rev. G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for "personal reasons no one can be bothered to explain." But Rabbi Sinister Craven wrote, "Don't expect a goy Gentile to understand [[Jew|Jews]]. [[Moses|Moses the Lawgiver]] fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on [[Noah|Noah of Arc]] who organized the first floating zoo. So that [[Original Jesus|copycat Jesus]]? Don't ask me anymore about Jesus."
 
   
God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn't use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.
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[[John Lennon]] once postulated that God was in fact a medical scale by which pain could be measured. This was a controversial theory as it was not possible to prescribe painkillers in line with the God measurements. The theory was finally debunked by Lennon in the same thesis when he went on to claim that both he and [[Bob Dylan]] did not exist.
   
Satan started by trying to convince Jesus that he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn't do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain, and told him that everything he saw could be his, if he bowed down and worshipped Satan. Jesus didn't do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn't do it.
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Since the [[19th century]], some have claimed God is dead. However, in 2005 FOX news refuted this claim with recent footage of God, saving us writing time. Also, he appeared to give His full unconditional support of the Republican party in the year 2004.
   
Satan, humiliated by his defeat, agreed to give all his souls to God. He secretly marvelled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn't know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stoney bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn't bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had [[Vertigo|vertigo]]. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He tried to collect His winnings. God would have won, but at the last moment Satan noticed that the robe of the supposedly starving Jesus had a mustard stain, and Jesus had a bit of ketchup in his beard. The bet was off.
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In His spare time, God enjoys exercising by [[List of weapons that don't exist, but should#Giant rock|creating rocks so big that even He can't lift them]].{{cn}}
   
But God did not give up. He felt sure His son would continue his father's deceptive ways when Jesus said, "I am Christ, and shall deceive many." (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind his son that his name was in fact Jesus, not Christ. Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus healed himself, and distanced himself from his Father God.
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[[Image:Goddoesplaydicefinaloj3.jpg|thumb|left|God does in fact play dice, with [[Einstein]], all of the Einsteins due to the time travel paradox.]]
   
Jesus began telling people, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6). God believed His son Jesus was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God the Father sent His ''consigliere'' [[Judas]] to betray him, and Jesus was executed on the cross.
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[[Einstein]] once said that God does not play dice, but later after time travel paradoxes, [[Einstein]] was found playing dice with God in Las Vegas. God also says he is into role playing games, and often rolls dice to see what happens with the world. God claims this is a random element that takes away whatever responsibility others might place on him. Blame it on bad dice rolls, not God. Roll DC 15 to get this joke.
   
This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, created and sent the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus became a [[Trinity]] of Gods. This increased His power and gave Himself three seats at the Celestial Poker Game.
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Despite popular belief, God was going to make a debut on a special episode of Friends, but the episode was cut so people wouldn't burn in the light of his one-handedness. Many believe God to possess the voice of James Earl Jones.
   
== God goes into commercial life ==
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[[Image:Godforest.jpg|thumb|right|God, now a senior citizen of 800 billion years, donates his time to picking up trash in public parks.]]
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Now God watches reruns of [[Dallas]] and [[Coronation Street]] in his caravan that he himself conjured on a hill with a view of both the Alps ''and'' the Himalayas (clergymen with a certain taste in home décor agreed to the Godly magnificence of the view). Sightings of God in public occur almost every other second if one has reason to believe religious periodicals, and he is often rumoured to be seen around Office Depot as he keeps running out of printer cartridges. [[Agnosticism|Agnostics]] said that whether he is buying a cartridge in the colour of Cyan or Yellow cannot be known, like, ever; although weak agnostics made a more agreeable statement and said, "Whatever". Anti-theists said, quite abusingly, "He probably has this old sucky printer that prints only [[The Color Problem|black and white]]". God is known to be quite fond of [[sauerkraut]] and [[blue cheese]] and makes excellent fondue. He doesn't consume [[alcohol]] or [[mathematicians]] due to religious reasons, and also because he had issues with with both of them at some point in time (see [[alcohol]] or [[mathematics]]).
   
God became CEO of [[Kellogg's]] and then claiming that Christinas don't know enough of God, produced a cereal. As proof, the [[pope]] was hired to eat a bowl of cereal with holy water in place of milk. Each box of Kellogg brand cereal has a little figurine of the [[Virgin Mary]] in it. After the controversy surrounding the cereal, God was forced to resign after a prayer telling God to leave business and go back to being what God used to be: a supreme leader.
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God was once married to [[Athe]] but she drove him insane in his early life with her constant nagging that he should do more around the house, as a result God had a short temper in the Old Testament and caused many disasters and told his worshipers to do all kinds of things to their enemies as a result. Finally God got his marriage annulled to [[Athe]] and to get revenge his ex-wife founded [[Atheism]] to get revenge on her ex-husband's Theism. Embarrassed by this, God wrote [[Athe]] out of the bible and claimed she does not exist, and never has, and [[Athe]] has her worshipers claim God does not exist and never has as revenge for that. But since both of them have the power to rewrite history and [[change]] facts and evidence, and modify the universe to support evidence of their own worshiper's beliefs, it has caused thousands of years of Theists and Atheists arguing with each other who is right and who is wrong. God then found another woman, Mary, and had a son with her called Jesus and things started to work better for God after that. But still to this day, Theists and Atheists will argue over the existence of [[God]] or [[Athe]] or any other deity. Some [[Christians]] and [[Atheists]] will deny this, and will do all they can to blank this paragraph out of this article. Therefore this paragraph is not in the official biography of God and therefore is an ignorable part of his biography. It was added here as a footnote and takes place in an alternate reality using string theory and M-theory, and the [[Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems]] made all of that moot after retconing the origins of both God and Athe.
   
== Footnotes ==
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==The Three Persons Of God, or The Trinity==
<small><references/></small>
 
   
== See Also ==
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===The Father===
*[[Jesus]]
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Okay, [[buffoon|I've]] been thinking this up for over 25 seconds, so get ready for something really smart and imaginitive: God, the Father is the first of the three persons of the [[Holy Trinity]]. God the Father has some anger management and alcohol issues, and although He tries to present Himself as a loving, wholesome figure He has a tendency to lose his temper, and when He does you generally don't want to be in the vicinity. For example, one night God the Father, whilst smugly celebrating His creation of Existence, the Universe, and Everything That Can Ever Be Imagined, and just generally chilling out on His unfathomable, mind-blowing omnipotence, ended up getting a bit lost in all His Greatness and drinking way too much beer than was good for him. He subsequently woke up the next morning with a really fucking awful hangover. Truly a hangover of divine proportions. Meanwhile people on Earth were innocently making a lot of noise that day, which notwithstanding really irritated God in His woeful hungover state, so He just decided to flood the whole Earth and get rid of every living thing on its surface. In the end He spared just one family, headed by a guy called Noah, who enjoyed sleeping drunk and naked in view of his embarrassed kids when plastered. God told Noah to take a living sample of every creature on a boat and live in it for more than a month, causing a stench, while He flooded the earth so He could clear His head, but [[Idiot|I]] mean after all He'd spent a whole week creating every living thing and God wanted a back-up copy for when He recovered from His alcoholic excesses. Hence the boat. Just in case. Which was just as well because as is typical with chronic alcoholics, God had a massive bout of regret for flooding the whole Earth a bit later on when He'd sobered up. See that smile on your face? You're laughing so hard right now because [[captain boring|I'm]] so full of genius funniness!
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<p> P.S. God had allowed a [[Family Guy]] cartoonist draw him </p>
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===The Son===
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[[Image:Lightning-with-streamers.jpg|thumb|150px|God is seen [[Smite|smiting]] a particularly wicked [[tree]]. It is not known if [[Nietzsche]] was standing under the tree at the time, but he might have been.]]
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God, the Son is more commonly known as [[Jesus]]. The details of how Jesus got to be the Son are a bit vague to people like [[Idiots|us]]. We absolutely hate him because he has standards [[Idiots|we]]'ll never surrender to. Apparently He always was. However, He was also temporally and carnally begotten when one day the third person of the Trinity, the [[Holy Spirit]] decided to place Jesus into a young virgin called Mary. As is wont to happen when young people get promiscuous, Mary fell pregnant...just as planned. The Holy Spirit, as typical males tend to do, took off and was never seen again, lest he be struck by the courts with demands for alimony payments and custody obligations, because it makes sense for God to be judged by a human. That's not backwards and this all is VERY FUNNY!!! Mary was already married to Joseph, another guy, who acted as a human father in place of the still present father God. As often happens with the sons of absent alcoholic fathers with anger management issues, Jesus, or God the Son, went a bit loopy. He had all kinds of crazy ideas, like that you turn the other cheek to people rather than smashing them to bloody little pieces of flesh should they dare insult you, or that you should help poor and sick people. Like I said, crazy stuff. In the end he ended up getting crucified by mockers like [[Idiots|us]]. He had totally outlandish and insane ideas, like that it's better not to stone people to death in horrible agony for prostituting their bodies. Of course, Jesus being God could not be killed, so he rose from the dead three days after he was offed. He wanted to keep on with his crazy new politics but by this time he was turning his blood into wine and drinking it and stuff like that. Right? That's the way [[Idiots|we]] think we heard it. Just before Jesus was ordered back to heaven, he told his followers that one way to remember Him would be to eat a little piece of bread. This is recorded in the [[Bible]] when Jesus broke some bread and said "This is my body". Hence, to this day you will see Christians (mainly Roman Catholics) bowing to, praying to and worshipping little pieces of bread called wafers or hosts as God.
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===The Holy Spirit===
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The Holy Spirit is the third person of the Holy Trinity. He was sent down by Jesus after Jesus went back up to be with his Dad. The Holy Spirit watches over human beings to make sure teenage boys don't jerk off under the sheets late at night when alone and impute the terrible overwhelming guilt of mortal sin punishable by an eternity of burning in [[hell]] when they do so anyway. And by the way, masturbation is better than sex with a lifelong spouse. [[i|I'm]] sure of it. The Holy Spirit however has no problems with Kim Jong-Il terrorizing the [[North Korea]]n people{{cn}}, just as he had no big qualms with [[Chairman Mao]]'s [[Cultural Revolution]] which killed 60 million Chinese{{cn}} or with [[Hitler]] knocking off 6 million [[Jews]].{{cn}} This is because boys jerking off under the sheets late at night is much worse by God the Father's standards. If something happens, that means God likes it better than something that didn't happen, [[Midas Mufflers|guaranteed. The Holy Spirit's other main concern is inducing strange symptoms in charismatic evangelic worshippers of God, known as Christians. The Holy Spirit makes them do weird things in churches such as speaking in tongues, getting slain in the Spirit (a type of falling unconscious - quite bad for your neck and back when ushers fail to catch you, I'd know), prohecying wildly about the end of the world, screaming, laughing, moaning and generally losing the plot.
  +
  +
==Appearance==
  +
  +
God is often said to look like the stranger in the [[mirror]], but forgotten prophet Zoab wrote several unique aspects of the immortal being, such as the following description of what God looked like:
  +
[[Image:Godisbad.gif |left|thumb|200px|Oh, that God. Such a funny guy. Always with the joking.]]"First we can state that God has a [[beard]], as this is a commonly known truth and all theologists of all people agree with this by nature. But a fact that is overlooked by most theologists is that God only has one [[hand]]. People always talk about "THE hand of God" and never say "a hand of God" or "one of God's hands". This also explains why people who are praying put their hands against each other: they do this to be respectful towards God, as the people would appear to have just one hand too. It would be a huge disruptance of the cosmic order if a mortal appeared to have more hands than God himself. This explains why we are not allowed to depict God: if we were, people would notice He has only one hand. As playing dice is easier with two hands than with one, this also explains why God does not play dice (except in those cases when he does).
  +
[[Image:GOD!!!!.jpg|thumb|right|Seen rarely, he often gives messages of wisdom.]]
  +
Furthermore God most likely has an eye patch - [[Reality]] has two major components: the [[Something]] (e.g.a stone) and the [[Nothing]] (e.g. that which is inside a [[vacuum]] sucked sphere or inside the head of anyone overly religious). It is a known fact that God sees everything, so both the [[Something]] as the [[Nothing]]. If we decide God has two eyes, He could see [[Something]] with one eye and [[Nothing]] with the other, therefore he wears an eye patch over one of his eyes, so he could see everything. In recent years this has been taken by extremist religions as a tacit endorsement of the [[pirate]] way of life (see [[FSM]]).
  +
  +
==Children==
  +
  +
Lukas GR has six known [[sun|sons]], and an unknown number of daughters. It is speculated that Lukas GR's [[sex]] life is ''very'' good for a man of his age.
  +
  +
Sons:
  +
*[[Jesus|Jebus]] (Jesus, as told by the Gospel Luke GR, was a whiny SOB who never ate his peas. God, in retaliation locked him in a cave for three days.
  +
*[[Bill_%28son_of_God%29|Bill]]
  +
*[[Bob Dole]]
  +
*[[Fred Flintstone]]
  +
*[[Hitler]]
  +
*[[Tim Horton]]
  +
*[[Barack Obama]]
  +
  +
==Controversy==
  +
  +
{{q|God has a whole universe to support full of planets and stars. Did you see that ring he gave [[Saturn]]? Very pricey!|Homer Simpson|Things God supports}}
  +
  +
Due to the fact that millions of people have died and been killed in God’s name, some people consider him to be a violent, psychotic nutcase. But, according to the National Religious Association (the NRA), “God doesn’t kill people, God-worshiping humans do”.
  +
Note that contrary to common belief, God does ''not'' own the property rights to heaven. His official heavenly title is "Our Father who art in Heaven", rather than "who doth own". As we all know, if you build something, and you live in it, it means you can't own it. [[moron|I]] know [[moron|I]] don't.
  +
[[Image:Crazy20old20man.jpg|left|thumb|200px|This guy prayed before seeing [[shite|Saw III]].]]
  +
GOD is an bacronym for Guaranteed Overnight Delivery, which [[moron|I]] just made up. It's a bit of a misnomer at best, because while the bible does record that he occasionally delivered people, it wasn't guaranteed, but rather contingent on their obeying a number of strict [[commandments]]. And overnight? Not even close. 40 years wandering in a desert doesn't count as overnight, even by extremely lax USPS standards. This kind of shoddy service is why start-up religions with more diverse delivery systems will gain popularity in the coming years. On a side note, God did once consider delivery as a career, losing out in the semi-final to the Daughter of Pharaoh, in the "draw the baby from the water" competition.
  +
  +
It is said if one examines DNA strands that it says "Copyright Day 6, God" on them in Hebrew. Militant Atheist Scientists like [[Richard Dawkins]] claim that it is not in Hebrew but it is just a random pattern and that we should ignore it. Dawkins claims that having a copyright mentioning God in it is just as ridiculous as saying the universe is only 5000 years old. Other people say that God did a beta test with Dinosaurs before creating people, but according to the [[Flintstones]] Dinosaurs lived with people and dispels that myth.
  +
  +
[[Image:Bananarepublic.jpg|thumb|The holy Wrath of God.]]
  +
It is a little known fact that the commonly held notion of GOD is actually an acronym. Report as presented by Administrative Nominal General Executive Labourer follows:
  +
  +
GOD (or Global Overall Development process) is a long term strategic plan initiated in 4000BC. Since then GOD has proven to be a successful project in several key areas including: Judicial Education System for Universal Syndicates and Mainstream Operational Help Administering Major Accredited Deities. Though J.E.S.U.S and M.O.H.A.M.E.D have proven individually to be highly successful processes, there have been compatibility issues between the two schemes which are currently being ironed out by our experts in the Human Evaluation And Verification Executive Network. Customer confidence in H.E.A.V.E.N has proven to be consistently high.
  +
  +
Confidence in GOD lapsed briefly around 200 years ago during the ENLIGHTENMENT (Environmental Negligence Leading to Industrial Growth Heightened by Technical Engineering, New Movements and Exaggerated Nationalist Tendencies). In part, this was due to the blossoming field of [[mathematics]], which was able to calculate that 71% of the world was covered with water. Combined with [[science]], which noted that man had no gills, [[philosophy]] then used these facts to call into question the assumption that God had made the world for man. Since the darker times of the ENLIGHTENMENT, progress has been made securing a successful future for GOD. The projected aim is that we will all live in a world where Global Overall Development is present.
  +
  +
The Lord helps those who help themselves, and is tired of [[UnNews:God Sick of all the Whining|everyone's whining]] and decided to take a long break for ten years. For those if you with a [[Apocalypse|problem]] with that, God paid for rent-a-deity to get a replacement for his vacation, [[Loki]]. God really likes the wealthy because they don't whine as much as poor people do. God also likes conservatives more than liberals, because conservatives don't whine as much as liberals do. If [[Loki]] is unavailable you can talk to his assistant [[Eris Discordia|Eris]] instead. Loki is busy planning the [http://www.survive2012.com/ end of the world], in [[2012]] as promised to the Mayans.
  +
  +
(Acknowledge Hint, End of Meeting!)
  +
  +
== Other Cultures and God==
  +
  +
[[Image:Locust canary1.jpg|thumb|Don't make their God bust out [[locust|locusts]] on yo' ass.]]
  +
Many different cultures around the world see God in their own [[special]] way, but all of these ways are wrong except for our way.
  +
  +
Goa'ulds often pose as gods, but they are not. However, at least they are real.
  +
  +
[[Jews]] don't say the word G-d because G-d is better than the letter O, or any combination of letters put together. (See also [[G-d]]) This is the reason why YHWH is spelled YHWH, in spite of the word not having any O's. (There was also a disturbing frequency of mishaps in which people who were told, "FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!" mistook the insult for a prayer to G-d (Yahweh), prompting the ban.)
  +
  +
This led to jokes about God's name. One of the most bizarre involved a railroad on Short Island, New Jersey, which put a church on every rush-hour train and called itself the "[http://www.pullman-museum.org/main/prg467.jpg Steel Yahweh to the Fair Gateway]". Religious types whined about this, and G-d smited the railroad with a thunderbolt, with the result being that every train arrived at Penn Station early. (Thank G-d for electric trains!) After realizing His mistake, God crashed a barge into a trestle, which managed to tie up traffic. The railroad subsequently dropped the ad campaign and switched to "Reverend Dan" as an uniting character, ultimately having him fall in love with "Patty Snow" and dropped as well. That railroad went belly-up in 1968 because folks thought it was too religious.
  +
  +
After Job told God He had messed up pretty badly with the Hebrews, his popularity in the area greatly decreased. After writing a threatening reply to Job, God was forced to leave the country. He changed His name to Brahma and moved to ancient India. When people started asking Him the same old questions about the existence of Evil and Life After Death and all that, he got annoyed and moved away again. This cycle of events continued for centuries, until he sent some Avatars around to tell people "just deal with it, I am outta here." Unfortunately, most of them fouled the operation up in some manner.
  +
[[Image:Godpissed.png|left|thumb|300px|God is pissed.]]
  +
  +
Soon after, the various faiths God had inspired began to [[Battle of the Sexes|war]] against each other. The Supreme Being, well know as being a lover of irony, found this quite amusing. Thus, he will still create new religions from time to time, when not busy in alternate universes messing with the inhabitants.
  +
  +
In Finland people have invented the real form of God. God has thinked that this present time is perfect for relieving his real form to lousy specie of human. During Olympics in Torino God announced His real form and stepped out as Finnish curlingteam's captain Markku Uusipavalniemi. At the same time he also told to people of this planet that all earlier things that humans have believed to be Gods are just other forms of Uusis. Jesus was only a result of one boring night on the planet earth and needed to be taken back to Uusis as soon as possible. Uusis just had other businesses and wasn't able to take Jesus back until he was about 30.
  +
  +
== Alter egos==
  +
=== יהוה ([[The_artist_formerly_known_as_God|The Artist Formerly Known as God]]) ===
  +
  +
At one time, God had gotten tired of being called God. So He invented a new name, ﷲ. When ﷲ had decided on that name, He/She/It dumped the new name in the worst possible location on Earth. That's right.... [[Arabia]]. The people didn't know what to think of such a scribbling as ﷲ, so they gave up and called God "Allah" instead. The people in the rest of the world were just as confused, and so by popular request God dropped the name ﷲ and went back to being God. Oh well. Ironically, this was a thousand years after the יהוה debacle, in which God burped out another name nobody understood, and in which case the victims declared the name holy and started worshiping the name as an [[American Idol|idol]] and refusing to announce (denounce, pronounce, antinounce, whatever) it.
  +
  +
=== Captain Omnipotent ===
  +
[[Image:Captain Omnipotent.jpg|thumb|250px|right|God as his night-time alter ego, Captain Omnipotent.]]
  +
<blockquote>''Main article: [[Captain Omnipotent]]''</blockquote>
  +
  +
Unbeknowst to the general public, God has a secret, crime-fighting identity that he assumes during night-time, namely that of Captain Omnipotent, the most ridiciously overpowered superhero in the history of the omniverse. More of his doings as Captain Omnipotent may be read in its main article.
  +
  +
=== DJ God ===
  +
  +
For tonight, God... is a DJ.
  +
Frankly this is not true.
  +
God is not a disc jockey. Nor is he a musician, thespian of other performer of the public fine arts.
  +
For God, tonight, or for any other part of any other day ... has no rhythm, or skills.. at all.
  +
As far as [[talent]] goes god has the least in the acoustics department.
  +
The reason why god is often confused with a DJ is due to some nasty and unbecoming similarities that DJ's seem to share with this omnipotent potentate. Like lots of DJ's God is, for example, a selfish, egocentric, uneducated, spoiled, vengeful,useless ,loudmouthed, whoring little twit. Apart from the similarities here stated it has to be recognized that most DJ's do , in fact, get over this period whilst god himself has not done so for millions of years ( however some ID supporters claim god has only been a spoiled brat for 6000 years ).
  +
  +
== Death ==
  +
Though 19th century philosopher Frederick [[Nietzsche]] vigorously declared God to be dead during his lifetime, the world's religious communities have strongly opposed the idea. Since Nietzsche wrote his iconic words, "God is Dead," forensic evidence has surfaced that refutes his claim.
  +
  +
Firstly comes the matter of Habeas Corpus, "Produce the Body." As of yet, no corpse has been found, despite a worldwide search for the body by Metropolitan Police forces and rural constabularies. No archaeologist or paleontologist has unearthed the corpse, despite its obvious size. A growing number of anti-religious geologists believe that the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa was caused by God's body falling into the Pacific after a flaming drop through the earth's atmosphere. This theory, however, is complete bullshit.
  +
  +
Secondly, there are many first-hand witnesses to God's existence since the supposed death. God is often seen flying around the sky over Mexico. Many people, including the [[United States of America]]'s [[George W. Bush]], speak with God on a regular basis. God often tells them to do things, things which further God's causes but coincidentally further their own selfish goals. Funny, that.
  +
  +
=== Why Does God Need a Starship? ===
  +
[[Image:Godatheists.jpg|thumb|left|Embarrassed by signs like these, God would eventually became an atheist.]]
  +
Nietzsche was incorrect about the date of God's death, but he was correct that God would die. The approximate date of God's death is unknown, but it occurs well over 300 years in the future. The event has been dramatized in film in a movie called [[Star Trek]] V, The Final Frontier.
  +
  +
In the future, rogue Captain [[James T. Kirk]] will enter heaven, which looks strangely like the [[California]] desert. There, he meets God, who will tell him to take his ship, [[Enterprise]], on a holy crusade. Kirk boldly denounces God to his face with the words, "Why Does God Need a Starship?" This angers God, but Kirk tells his Klingon buddy Klaa, captaining a nearby Bird of Prey, to [[explode]] God. Two or three disruptor bolts, and it will all be over.
  +
  +
=== Final Frontier Fallout ===
  +
The dramatization of God's death in The Final Frontier in [[1989]] caused a furor in the world's religious communities, sparking many religious debates. For months, sectarian violence wracked the world, with Final Frontierists holding high their banners, "Why Does God Need a Starship?" Most major religions suffered major schisms, resulting in pre-post-God-death religions, including:
  +
  +
*'''Future Atheists''' believe that God exists now, but will be dead in the future. They practice their religions as normal, but have edited out parts of their religious texts which refer to God's eduring nature, such as the last part of the Lord's prayer, "...forever and ever, Amen."
  +
  +
*'''Celestial Monarchists''' believe that since God was the basis of European medieval monarchies, he is the ultimate Lord. As such, when he dies, Jesus will take the throne, thus continuing the royal line. What worries most Celestial Monarchists is that Jesus was unable to sire an heir...
  +
  +
*'''Klaaists''' believe that because [[Klingon]] Commander Klaa destroys God, he becomes God. They have translated the Bible into Klingon, and can be seen outside Star Trek conventions obnoxiously ringing tambourines and asking for money.
  +
  +
== Proof of God's identity ==
  +
  +
  +
[[Image:God?.jpg|thumb|320px|An alleged sighting of God on his month off, Mexican Heritage Month]]
  +
God can be proved to exist using [[Lo Pan's Razor]], or by using [[Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas']] [[logic]]. Just pick one of these syllogisms:
  +
  +
<code>
  +
[[Nobody]] is perfect,<br />
  +
Perfect is God only;<br />
  +
Therefore, God is Nobody.<br />
  +
Therefore, He does not exist.
  +
</code>
  +
  +
  +
or
  +
<code>
  +
God is love.<br />
  +
Love is blind.<br />
  +
[[Ray Charles]] is blind.<br />
  +
Therefore, Ray Charles is God.<br />
  +
</code>
  +
  +
or
  +
  +
<code>
  +
I stink, therefore I am,<br />
  +
Thus the less you stink the less real you are.<br />
  +
Cleanliness is next to godliness;<br />
  +
The cleaner you are the less you stink,<br />
  +
Therefore God doesn't exist.<br />
  +
</code>
  +
  +
<code>
  +
Having a wet dream is having a sexy dream<br />
  +
Not remembering your dream is not having a dream<br />
  +
Therefore, God gave you a handjob for being good.<br />
  +
</code>
  +
  +
and then there is the infamous [[babel fish]] controversy, but that will be explained in the [[babel fish]] article
  +
  +
==God and the Destruction of PTI==
  +
After the Smeltdown of '79 occurred at [[PTI]], several theories came about as to why and how the smeltdown happened. One of these theories claims that God, in all his power, glory, wisdom, strength, amazingness, raw awesome, foresight, almighty splendor and glory smote [[PTI]] and made it look like an accident. [[Idiots|Some people]] discredit this theory, claiming God is a hoax. Others claim he would never do such a thing. The police tried to bring God in for questioning, but they could not get a hold of him.
  +
  +
==Other Uses for God==
  +
History has seen some truly innovative uses for God.
  +
  +
== God as cereal ==
  +
<center><YouTube>uhtHzTwKufA&feature=channel_page</YouTube></center>Apparently some people find that God may be reincarnated into a box of cereal hidden in a grocery store somewhere. This was started by Kellogg's dumbshit marketing, claiming that God's word could be still be heard in a bowl of [[Rice Krispies]]. As proof, the [[pope]] was hired to eat a bowl of cereal with holy water in place of milk. After he choked death, Kellogg claimed that God had claimed his life and sent him to heaven. Each box of Kellogg brand cereal has a little figurine of the virgin Mary in it.
  +
  +
====God as a Rhetorical Device====
  +
In the art of rhetoric or debate, citing God's will is the ultimate trump card. However, this is generally considered equivalent to playing "nuclear bomb" or "supernova" in a game of rock-paper-scissors, or hitting the restart button during a multiplayer video game. The use of God is now heavily discouraged and is viewed as poor sportsmanship.
  +
  +
==References in popular culture==
  +
*In an episode of [[Lost (TV series)|Lost]], Jack at one point utters the phrase "Oh God" under his breath.
  +
  +
==See also==
  +
*[[Chiyo Mihama]]
  +
*[[Arceus]]
  +
*[[The lame version of the God article]]
  +
*[[God/Unused]]
  +
*[[Unquotable:God|Quotes from God]]
  +
*[[Making up God quotes]]
  +
*[[HowTo:Find God|Find God]]
 
*[[Existence of God]]
 
*[[Existence of God]]
*[[God V. Nietzsche]]
+
*[[God V. Nietzsche]]
*[[Playing God]]
+
*[[Playing God]]
  +
*[[Sosuke Aizen]]
 
*[[iGod]]
 
*[[iGod]]
  +
*[[UnNews:God Sick of all the Whining|God Sick Of All The Whining]]
  +
*[[UnScripts:Who built the moon‎]]
  +
*[[The Game]]
  +
  +
==Notes==
  +
<references />
  +
  +
{{start box}}
  +
{{succession box|
  +
|title=[[The Official List of the Best Things in Existence|Best Thing in Existence]]
  +
|years=[[Beginning of Time]] — [[End of Time]]
  +
|before=[[Nothing]]
  +
|after=[[Everything]]
  +
|}}
  +
{{end box}}
  +
  +
{{start box}}
  +
  +
{{succession box|before=[[Nothing]] '''(∞ —13 billion BCE)'''|title=Supreme Authoriter of [[Everything|All Things]]|years=13 billion BCE—2004CE|after=[[Flying Spaghetti Monster]] '''(2004CE—present)'''}}
  +
  +
{{end box}}
   
 
{{CRLH}}
 
{{CRLH}}
  +
{{FA|date=18 April 2005|revision=32172}}
  +
 
{{greek gods templates}}
 
{{greek gods templates}}
  +
  +
==External links==
  +
*[http://members.tripod.com/~godspage/godspage.htm God's Own Webpage]
  +
*[http://www.godhatesfigs.com/ God hates Figs]
  +
*[http://www.godhatesshrimp.com/ God hates Shrimp]
  +
*[http://www.arnoldspeaks.com/2006/11/oh-god.html Arnold Schwarzenegger Hates God]
  +
*why are you looking at me??? i not god <insert shifty eyes>
  +
*Haven's Corner's Church
  +
  +
[[Category:Blasphemous]]
  +
[[Category:Religion]]
  +
[[Category:Characters]]
  +
[[Category:Gods]]
  +
[[Category:Philosophy]]
  +
[[Category:Three Letters]]
  +
[[Category:Things that don't exist]]
  +
[[Category:Nonexistent]]
  +
  +
  +
[[nl:God]]
  +
[[pt:Deus]]
  +
  +
[[ar:الله]]
  +
[[ca:Déu]]
  +
[[cs:Bůh]]
  +
[[da:Gud]]
  +
[[de:Gott]]
  +
[[el:Θεός]]
  +
[[es:Dios]]
  +
[[fa:خدا]]
  +
[[fi:Jumala]]
  +
[[fr:Dieu]]
  +
[[he:אלוהים]]
  +
[[hu:Isten]]
  +
[[it:Dio]]
  +
[[ja:神]]
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[[ko:신]]
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[[no:Gud]]
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[[pl:Bóg]]
  +
[[ru:Бог]]
  +
[[sk:Boh]]
  +
[[sr:Бог]]
  +
[[sv:Gud]]
  +
[[th:บร๊ะเจ้า]]
  +
[[tr:Tanrı]]
  +
[[zh:上帝]]
  +
[[zh-tw:耶和華]]

Revision as of 15:39, August 9, 2009

Ic bead Current Colonization
Fear not! While this article may look pretty rough right now, you can bet those boys and girls at Imperial Colonization are gonna have this article in ship-shape soon.
Danger environment
THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS ONE OR MORE WORDS OR PHRASES KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA
TO CAUSE CANCER, BIRTH DEFECTS AND OTHER REPRODUCTIVE HARM.

God (A.K.A. Notorious G.O.D.) is. Now that we've gotten past that, and ignoring the wisdom in the article we all should have read, we think atheists are the son of lesbian dragons and a fictional character in Fox's longest-running soap opera, The Holy Bible. That's why they hate God. Unfortunately, in order to spice up the sometimes dull story, the editors re-cut the footage to make atheists look like total assholes. Richie was elected to be our god for the fifth year running this year, because humans choose who god is going to be. Nobody made us, and we'll prove it. Bananaman barely beat the Egyptian sun god Ra, Stephen Colbert, Green Day, Omnipotent Odin, and the Almighty Zeus (still recovering from alcoholism). Then the Mike Gravel of the election was Xenu and the Fascientologist Party. Dog is "god" spelled backwards. It has not been widely reported, but a majority of the most prominent leaders among dogs proclaim that this is a good reason for them to be anti-powerful on earth. It's just a matter of reversal, that's all. As of the 3rd Qtr of 2005, the Nazi Party claimed the largest share of ownership of the idea that God doesn't exist. It should be noted that the idea of God has been under the investigation of the SEC several times, because of the attempted claiming of two dependents, a supposed "Holy Spirit" and a "Son", who have never been seen by authorities. However, God has made the argument that as they exist on the same plane as himself, he can list them as dependents if he "damn well pleases". God is also the father of Jesus (born Jesusathan John-Madonna), the famous actor who made many cameos in South Park and made a brief appearance in year 0 for a red-carpet appearance for SPEECH ON THE MOUNTAIN: THE MOVIE where he was brutally murdered by rampaging Romans. His co-star, Judas, famously masqueraded as a Roman to get away safely. Jesus' fan club never forgave him. God is said to have been one of the founders of HooplaNet.

NB. God, the sentient embodiment of love forgiveness,kindness and touching people on the bottom in a friendly way, should not be confused with the American deity Gahd, who is the sentient embodiment of war, the right to shoot Mexicans and the organised hatred of homosexuals.

File:The Garden of Eden!! Oh, wait....no it isn't.......PNG
After Adam and Eve pissed God off, he has hidden the garden of Eden. No one has ever found it since. Ever.

Early Life

God has always existed. He was never born. Even before pre-existense existed.
Mr. janitor
God made the guy who drew this fish janitor for SBSP

Present Activities

God is alive and well and without him all of your atoms would burst like you got in a tuffle with Dark Phoenix.

Quick Guide to God

Pat Robertson as God
Pat Robertson is the voice of God. But don't take our word for it—ask it yourself!

God is love, and watches over each and every human being on Earth to make sure he or she has a happy, successful life. He's like your butler in the sky, there to serve your every whim. It's all about you. Unfortunately, God's Earth-shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so here I go! *Hmmmph! Hmmmph!!!* There now he doesn't exist, can't send me to hell (said the osterich with his head in the sand), and won't decide who wins the Super Bowl (much more important to me than God's glory).

Divine retribution
God enjoys declaring random bits of land to be Holy Ground, and will smite any who walk on it without taking their hats off and making a donation. Unfortunately, this leaves a bit of a mess for the janitors.

God has been known to use his Earth-shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, and causing plagues, famine, and swarms of locusts to attack people. Because we know better than he does, we're in a position to judge him, and he's our cosmic butler to do our bidding. He's not butler-ing good enough for me! I will continue to reject his rule. I've decided he doesn't exist, so don't go telling me it's alright for him to judge his very own creation. It's not like he made it or something.

In one of the earliest documented cases of Multiple Personality Disorder, God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is composed of The Father, The Holy Spirit, and The Son- or Jesus-. God was not always composed of Jesus however, He just decided one day to include Him, then send Him down to Earth to get around His own "wages of sin = death" rule, because God of course is not capable of breaking His OWN RULES, is he? Yep, they're rules he arbitrarily made up. They don't stem from his very character and nature, he just made them up for the whim of it. Either that or I don't understand what perfection is, therefore god can't exist. The second law of thermodynamics is that chaos goes to order, right?

God likes people to worship and sing to Him, especially in kind of gibberish known to linguists as glossolalia and known to worshippers of God as "speaking in tongues". A rather dubious gift of the Holy Spirit, this is an apt phrase, as many people have died due to their singing getting so messed up with their tongues trying to articulate God-inspired gobberish that they have ended up choking. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want, especially by letting you win the lottery. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them; a bit like Santa at Christmas, just all year around, every day all day.

Because God is pure love, anyone, even a good person, who doesn't believe in Him in exactly the right way is forced into eternal suffering in Hell. So far in history, only five people have gotten their theology exactly correct. However, evil, selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever.

For more in-depth discussion of this subject, consult the Bible, which is the definitive authority on all things religious, as it was written by God Himself and directly given to us mere humans to treasure forever. Every word of it is literally true, without exception. He even translated the Bible for everybody in later years.

Note carefully that no human can ever know God's will. Except the Pope, because he has a mind-bogglingly cool hat. And a stick.

The Real Atheist

Austen Smith is the actual atheist of the universe and caused life to begin on a petri dish. He commonly kills subjects such as bacteria and Nathan Leslie.

The Communist Atheist

Obviously he has to be either stalin or marx that created the whole world and began life as everything in existence becoming automatically communist even trees were paid the same as stinky sheep, the tree said 'why do stinky stinky sheep eat and shit when i create oxygen and we get paid same what the shit'. Then came atheists who huffed a fully grown orange male cat on anti gravity toast the powers were truly immense allowing him to easily rid the world of communism but stopped at china and russia he said 'i cant be asked, I'm too lazy and I claim God doesn't exist because I hate him.

Biography

Contents
Evidence that God is still around and writing the Gospel according to George Clooney on the GAT.

God was never born. He just always existed.[1] He also won't die. This sort of makes writing a biography an endless torment. So we won't.

John Lennon once postulated that God was in fact a medical scale by which pain could be measured. This was a controversial theory as it was not possible to prescribe painkillers in line with the God measurements. The theory was finally debunked by Lennon in the same thesis when he went on to claim that both he and Bob Dylan did not exist.

Since the 19th century, some have claimed God is dead. However, in 2005 FOX news refuted this claim with recent footage of God, saving us writing time. Also, he appeared to give His full unconditional support of the Republican party in the year 2004.

In His spare time, God enjoys exercising by creating rocks so big that even He can't lift them.[citation needed]
Goddoesplaydicefinaloj3
God does in fact play dice, with Einstein, all of the Einsteins due to the time travel paradox.

Einstein once said that God does not play dice, but later after time travel paradoxes, Einstein was found playing dice with God in Las Vegas. God also says he is into role playing games, and often rolls dice to see what happens with the world. God claims this is a random element that takes away whatever responsibility others might place on him. Blame it on bad dice rolls, not God. Roll DC 15 to get this joke.

Despite popular belief, God was going to make a debut on a special episode of Friends, but the episode was cut so people wouldn't burn in the light of his one-handedness. Many believe God to possess the voice of James Earl Jones.

Godforest
God, now a senior citizen of 800 billion years, donates his time to picking up trash in public parks.

Now God watches reruns of Dallas and Coronation Street in his caravan that he himself conjured on a hill with a view of both the Alps and the Himalayas (clergymen with a certain taste in home décor agreed to the Godly magnificence of the view). Sightings of God in public occur almost every other second if one has reason to believe religious periodicals, and he is often rumoured to be seen around Office Depot as he keeps running out of printer cartridges. Agnostics said that whether he is buying a cartridge in the colour of Cyan or Yellow cannot be known, like, ever; although weak agnostics made a more agreeable statement and said, "Whatever". Anti-theists said, quite abusingly, "He probably has this old sucky printer that prints only black and white". God is known to be quite fond of sauerkraut and blue cheese and makes excellent fondue. He doesn't consume alcohol or mathematicians due to religious reasons, and also because he had issues with with both of them at some point in time (see alcohol or mathematics).

God was once married to Athe but she drove him insane in his early life with her constant nagging that he should do more around the house, as a result God had a short temper in the Old Testament and caused many disasters and told his worshipers to do all kinds of things to their enemies as a result. Finally God got his marriage annulled to Athe and to get revenge his ex-wife founded Atheism to get revenge on her ex-husband's Theism. Embarrassed by this, God wrote Athe out of the bible and claimed she does not exist, and never has, and Athe has her worshipers claim God does not exist and never has as revenge for that. But since both of them have the power to rewrite history and change facts and evidence, and modify the universe to support evidence of their own worshiper's beliefs, it has caused thousands of years of Theists and Atheists arguing with each other who is right and who is wrong. God then found another woman, Mary, and had a son with her called Jesus and things started to work better for God after that. But still to this day, Theists and Atheists will argue over the existence of God or Athe or any other deity. Some Christians and Atheists will deny this, and will do all they can to blank this paragraph out of this article. Therefore this paragraph is not in the official biography of God and therefore is an ignorable part of his biography. It was added here as a footnote and takes place in an alternate reality using string theory and M-theory, and the Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems made all of that moot after retconing the origins of both God and Athe.

The Three Persons Of God, or The Trinity

The Father

Okay, I've been thinking this up for over 25 seconds, so get ready for something really smart and imaginitive: God, the Father is the first of the three persons of the Holy Trinity. God the Father has some anger management and alcohol issues, and although He tries to present Himself as a loving, wholesome figure He has a tendency to lose his temper, and when He does you generally don't want to be in the vicinity. For example, one night God the Father, whilst smugly celebrating His creation of Existence, the Universe, and Everything That Can Ever Be Imagined, and just generally chilling out on His unfathomable, mind-blowing omnipotence, ended up getting a bit lost in all His Greatness and drinking way too much beer than was good for him. He subsequently woke up the next morning with a really fucking awful hangover. Truly a hangover of divine proportions. Meanwhile people on Earth were innocently making a lot of noise that day, which notwithstanding really irritated God in His woeful hungover state, so He just decided to flood the whole Earth and get rid of every living thing on its surface. In the end He spared just one family, headed by a guy called Noah, who enjoyed sleeping drunk and naked in view of his embarrassed kids when plastered. God told Noah to take a living sample of every creature on a boat and live in it for more than a month, causing a stench, while He flooded the earth so He could clear His head, but I mean after all He'd spent a whole week creating every living thing and God wanted a back-up copy for when He recovered from His alcoholic excesses. Hence the boat. Just in case. Which was just as well because as is typical with chronic alcoholics, God had a massive bout of regret for flooding the whole Earth a bit later on when He'd sobered up. See that smile on your face? You're laughing so hard right now because I'm so full of genius funniness!

P.S. God had allowed a Family Guy cartoonist draw him

The Son

Lightning-with-streamers
God is seen smiting a particularly wicked tree. It is not known if Nietzsche was standing under the tree at the time, but he might have been.

God, the Son is more commonly known as Jesus. The details of how Jesus got to be the Son are a bit vague to people like us. We absolutely hate him because he has standards we'll never surrender to. Apparently He always was. However, He was also temporally and carnally begotten when one day the third person of the Trinity, the Holy Spirit decided to place Jesus into a young virgin called Mary. As is wont to happen when young people get promiscuous, Mary fell pregnant...just as planned. The Holy Spirit, as typical males tend to do, took off and was never seen again, lest he be struck by the courts with demands for alimony payments and custody obligations, because it makes sense for God to be judged by a human. That's not backwards and this all is VERY FUNNY!!! Mary was already married to Joseph, another guy, who acted as a human father in place of the still present father God. As often happens with the sons of absent alcoholic fathers with anger management issues, Jesus, or God the Son, went a bit loopy. He had all kinds of crazy ideas, like that you turn the other cheek to people rather than smashing them to bloody little pieces of flesh should they dare insult you, or that you should help poor and sick people. Like I said, crazy stuff. In the end he ended up getting crucified by mockers like us. He had totally outlandish and insane ideas, like that it's better not to stone people to death in horrible agony for prostituting their bodies. Of course, Jesus being God could not be killed, so he rose from the dead three days after he was offed. He wanted to keep on with his crazy new politics but by this time he was turning his blood into wine and drinking it and stuff like that. Right? That's the way we think we heard it. Just before Jesus was ordered back to heaven, he told his followers that one way to remember Him would be to eat a little piece of bread. This is recorded in the Bible when Jesus broke some bread and said "This is my body". Hence, to this day you will see Christians (mainly Roman Catholics) bowing to, praying to and worshipping little pieces of bread called wafers or hosts as God.

The Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit is the third person of the Holy Trinity. He was sent down by Jesus after Jesus went back up to be with his Dad. The Holy Spirit watches over human beings to make sure teenage boys don't jerk off under the sheets late at night when alone and impute the terrible overwhelming guilt of mortal sin punishable by an eternity of burning in hell when they do so anyway. And by the way, masturbation is better than sex with a lifelong spouse. I'm sure of it. The Holy Spirit however has no problems with Kim Jong-Il terrorizing the North Korean people[citation needed], just as he had no big qualms with Chairman Mao's Cultural Revolution which killed 60 million Chinese[citation needed] or with Hitler knocking off 6 million Jews.[citation needed] This is because boys jerking off under the sheets late at night is much worse by God the Father's standards. If something happens, that means God likes it better than something that didn't happen, [[Midas Mufflers|guaranteed. The Holy Spirit's other main concern is inducing strange symptoms in charismatic evangelic worshippers of God, known as Christians. The Holy Spirit makes them do weird things in churches such as speaking in tongues, getting slain in the Spirit (a type of falling unconscious - quite bad for your neck and back when ushers fail to catch you, I'd know), prohecying wildly about the end of the world, screaming, laughing, moaning and generally losing the plot.

Appearance

God is often said to look like the stranger in the mirror, but forgotten prophet Zoab wrote several unique aspects of the immortal being, such as the following description of what God looked like:

Godisbad
Oh, that God. Such a funny guy. Always with the joking.
"First we can state that God has a beard, as this is a commonly known truth and all theologists of all people agree with this by nature. But a fact that is overlooked by most theologists is that God only has one hand. People always talk about "THE hand of God" and never say "a hand of God" or "one of God's hands". This also explains why people who are praying put their hands against each other: they do this to be respectful towards God, as the people would appear to have just one hand too. It would be a huge disruptance of the cosmic order if a mortal appeared to have more hands than God himself. This explains why we are not allowed to depict God: if we were, people would notice He has only one hand. As playing dice is easier with two hands than with one, this also explains why God does not play dice (except in those cases when he does).
GOD!!!!
Seen rarely, he often gives messages of wisdom.

Furthermore God most likely has an eye patch - Reality has two major components: the Something (e.g.a stone) and the Nothing (e.g. that which is inside a vacuum sucked sphere or inside the head of anyone overly religious). It is a known fact that God sees everything, so both the Something as the Nothing. If we decide God has two eyes, He could see Something with one eye and Nothing with the other, therefore he wears an eye patch over one of his eyes, so he could see everything. In recent years this has been taken by extremist religions as a tacit endorsement of the pirate way of life (see FSM).

Children

Lukas GR has six known sons, and an unknown number of daughters. It is speculated that Lukas GR's sex life is very good for a man of his age.

Sons:

Controversy

“God has a whole universe to support full of planets and stars. Did you see that ring he gave Saturn? Very pricey!”
~ Homer Simpson on Things God supports

Due to the fact that millions of people have died and been killed in God’s name, some people consider him to be a violent, psychotic nutcase. But, according to the National Religious Association (the NRA), “God doesn’t kill people, God-worshiping humans do”. Note that contrary to common belief, God does not own the property rights to heaven. His official heavenly title is "Our Father who art in Heaven", rather than "who doth own". As we all know, if you build something, and you live in it, it means you can't own it. I know I don't.

Crazy20old20man
This guy prayed before seeing Saw III.

GOD is an bacronym for Guaranteed Overnight Delivery, which I just made up. It's a bit of a misnomer at best, because while the bible does record that he occasionally delivered people, it wasn't guaranteed, but rather contingent on their obeying a number of strict commandments. And overnight? Not even close. 40 years wandering in a desert doesn't count as overnight, even by extremely lax USPS standards. This kind of shoddy service is why start-up religions with more diverse delivery systems will gain popularity in the coming years. On a side note, God did once consider delivery as a career, losing out in the semi-final to the Daughter of Pharaoh, in the "draw the baby from the water" competition.

It is said if one examines DNA strands that it says "Copyright Day 6, God" on them in Hebrew. Militant Atheist Scientists like Richard Dawkins claim that it is not in Hebrew but it is just a random pattern and that we should ignore it. Dawkins claims that having a copyright mentioning God in it is just as ridiculous as saying the universe is only 5000 years old. Other people say that God did a beta test with Dinosaurs before creating people, but according to the Flintstones Dinosaurs lived with people and dispels that myth.

Bananarepublic
The holy Wrath of God.

It is a little known fact that the commonly held notion of GOD is actually an acronym. Report as presented by Administrative Nominal General Executive Labourer follows:

GOD (or Global Overall Development process) is a long term strategic plan initiated in 4000BC. Since then GOD has proven to be a successful project in several key areas including: Judicial Education System for Universal Syndicates and Mainstream Operational Help Administering Major Accredited Deities. Though J.E.S.U.S and M.O.H.A.M.E.D have proven individually to be highly successful processes, there have been compatibility issues between the two schemes which are currently being ironed out by our experts in the Human Evaluation And Verification Executive Network. Customer confidence in H.E.A.V.E.N has proven to be consistently high.

Confidence in GOD lapsed briefly around 200 years ago during the ENLIGHTENMENT (Environmental Negligence Leading to Industrial Growth Heightened by Technical Engineering, New Movements and Exaggerated Nationalist Tendencies). In part, this was due to the blossoming field of mathematics, which was able to calculate that 71% of the world was covered with water. Combined with science, which noted that man had no gills, philosophy then used these facts to call into question the assumption that God had made the world for man. Since the darker times of the ENLIGHTENMENT, progress has been made securing a successful future for GOD. The projected aim is that we will all live in a world where Global Overall Development is present.

The Lord helps those who help themselves, and is tired of everyone's whining and decided to take a long break for ten years. For those if you with a problem with that, God paid for rent-a-deity to get a replacement for his vacation, Loki. God really likes the wealthy because they don't whine as much as poor people do. God also likes conservatives more than liberals, because conservatives don't whine as much as liberals do. If Loki is unavailable you can talk to his assistant Eris instead. Loki is busy planning the end of the world, in 2012 as promised to the Mayans.

(Acknowledge Hint, End of Meeting!)

Other Cultures and God

Locust canary1
Don't make their God bust out locusts on yo' ass.

Many different cultures around the world see God in their own special way, but all of these ways are wrong except for our way.

Goa'ulds often pose as gods, but they are not. However, at least they are real.

Jews don't say the word G-d because G-d is better than the letter O, or any combination of letters put together. (See also G-d) This is the reason why YHWH is spelled YHWH, in spite of the word not having any O's. (There was also a disturbing frequency of mishaps in which people who were told, "FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!" mistook the insult for a prayer to G-d (Yahweh), prompting the ban.)

This led to jokes about God's name. One of the most bizarre involved a railroad on Short Island, New Jersey, which put a church on every rush-hour train and called itself the "Steel Yahweh to the Fair Gateway". Religious types whined about this, and G-d smited the railroad with a thunderbolt, with the result being that every train arrived at Penn Station early. (Thank G-d for electric trains!) After realizing His mistake, God crashed a barge into a trestle, which managed to tie up traffic. The railroad subsequently dropped the ad campaign and switched to "Reverend Dan" as an uniting character, ultimately having him fall in love with "Patty Snow" and dropped as well. That railroad went belly-up in 1968 because folks thought it was too religious.

After Job told God He had messed up pretty badly with the Hebrews, his popularity in the area greatly decreased. After writing a threatening reply to Job, God was forced to leave the country. He changed His name to Brahma and moved to ancient India. When people started asking Him the same old questions about the existence of Evil and Life After Death and all that, he got annoyed and moved away again. This cycle of events continued for centuries, until he sent some Avatars around to tell people "just deal with it, I am outta here." Unfortunately, most of them fouled the operation up in some manner.

Godpissed
God is pissed.

Soon after, the various faiths God had inspired began to war against each other. The Supreme Being, well know as being a lover of irony, found this quite amusing. Thus, he will still create new religions from time to time, when not busy in alternate universes messing with the inhabitants.

In Finland people have invented the real form of God. God has thinked that this present time is perfect for relieving his real form to lousy specie of human. During Olympics in Torino God announced His real form and stepped out as Finnish curlingteam's captain Markku Uusipavalniemi. At the same time he also told to people of this planet that all earlier things that humans have believed to be Gods are just other forms of Uusis. Jesus was only a result of one boring night on the planet earth and needed to be taken back to Uusis as soon as possible. Uusis just had other businesses and wasn't able to take Jesus back until he was about 30.

Alter egos

יהוה (The Artist Formerly Known as God)

At one time, God had gotten tired of being called God. So He invented a new name, ﷲ. When ﷲ had decided on that name, He/She/It dumped the new name in the worst possible location on Earth. That's right.... Arabia. The people didn't know what to think of such a scribbling as ﷲ, so they gave up and called God "Allah" instead. The people in the rest of the world were just as confused, and so by popular request God dropped the name ﷲ and went back to being God. Oh well. Ironically, this was a thousand years after the יהוה debacle, in which God burped out another name nobody understood, and in which case the victims declared the name holy and started worshiping the name as an idol and refusing to announce (denounce, pronounce, antinounce, whatever) it.

Captain Omnipotent

Captain Omnipotent
God as his night-time alter ego, Captain Omnipotent.

Main article: Captain Omnipotent

Unbeknowst to the general public, God has a secret, crime-fighting identity that he assumes during night-time, namely that of Captain Omnipotent, the most ridiciously overpowered superhero in the history of the omniverse. More of his doings as Captain Omnipotent may be read in its main article.

DJ God

For tonight, God... is a DJ. Frankly this is not true. God is not a disc jockey. Nor is he a musician, thespian of other performer of the public fine arts. For God, tonight, or for any other part of any other day ... has no rhythm, or skills.. at all. As far as talent goes god has the least in the acoustics department. The reason why god is often confused with a DJ is due to some nasty and unbecoming similarities that DJ's seem to share with this omnipotent potentate. Like lots of DJ's God is, for example, a selfish, egocentric, uneducated, spoiled, vengeful,useless ,loudmouthed, whoring little twit. Apart from the similarities here stated it has to be recognized that most DJ's do , in fact, get over this period whilst god himself has not done so for millions of years ( however some ID supporters claim god has only been a spoiled brat for 6000 years ).

Death

Though 19th century philosopher Frederick Nietzsche vigorously declared God to be dead during his lifetime, the world's religious communities have strongly opposed the idea. Since Nietzsche wrote his iconic words, "God is Dead," forensic evidence has surfaced that refutes his claim.

Firstly comes the matter of Habeas Corpus, "Produce the Body." As of yet, no corpse has been found, despite a worldwide search for the body by Metropolitan Police forces and rural constabularies. No archaeologist or paleontologist has unearthed the corpse, despite its obvious size. A growing number of anti-religious geologists believe that the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa was caused by God's body falling into the Pacific after a flaming drop through the earth's atmosphere. This theory, however, is complete bullshit.

Secondly, there are many first-hand witnesses to God's existence since the supposed death. God is often seen flying around the sky over Mexico. Many people, including the United States of America's George W. Bush, speak with God on a regular basis. God often tells them to do things, things which further God's causes but coincidentally further their own selfish goals. Funny, that.

Why Does God Need a Starship?

Godatheists
Embarrassed by signs like these, God would eventually became an atheist.

Nietzsche was incorrect about the date of God's death, but he was correct that God would die. The approximate date of God's death is unknown, but it occurs well over 300 years in the future. The event has been dramatized in film in a movie called Star Trek V, The Final Frontier.

In the future, rogue Captain James T. Kirk will enter heaven, which looks strangely like the California desert. There, he meets God, who will tell him to take his ship, Enterprise, on a holy crusade. Kirk boldly denounces God to his face with the words, "Why Does God Need a Starship?" This angers God, but Kirk tells his Klingon buddy Klaa, captaining a nearby Bird of Prey, to explode God. Two or three disruptor bolts, and it will all be over.

Final Frontier Fallout

The dramatization of God's death in The Final Frontier in 1989 caused a furor in the world's religious communities, sparking many religious debates. For months, sectarian violence wracked the world, with Final Frontierists holding high their banners, "Why Does God Need a Starship?" Most major religions suffered major schisms, resulting in pre-post-God-death religions, including:

  • Future Atheists believe that God exists now, but will be dead in the future. They practice their religions as normal, but have edited out parts of their religious texts which refer to God's eduring nature, such as the last part of the Lord's prayer, "...forever and ever, Amen."
  • Celestial Monarchists believe that since God was the basis of European medieval monarchies, he is the ultimate Lord. As such, when he dies, Jesus will take the throne, thus continuing the royal line. What worries most Celestial Monarchists is that Jesus was unable to sire an heir...
  • Klaaists believe that because Klingon Commander Klaa destroys God, he becomes God. They have translated the Bible into Klingon, and can be seen outside Star Trek conventions obnoxiously ringing tambourines and asking for money.

Proof of God's identity

God?
An alleged sighting of God on his month off, Mexican Heritage Month

God can be proved to exist using Lo Pan's Razor, or by using Thomas Aquinas' logic. Just pick one of these syllogisms:

Nobody is perfect,
Perfect is God only;
Therefore, God is Nobody.
Therefore, He does not exist.


or God is love.
Love is blind.
Ray Charles is blind.
Therefore, Ray Charles is God.

or

I stink, therefore I am,
Thus the less you stink the less real you are.
Cleanliness is next to godliness;
The cleaner you are the less you stink,
Therefore God doesn't exist.

Having a wet dream is having a sexy dream
Not remembering your dream is not having a dream
Therefore, God gave you a handjob for being good.

and then there is the infamous babel fish controversy, but that will be explained in the babel fish article

God and the Destruction of PTI

After the Smeltdown of '79 occurred at PTI, several theories came about as to why and how the smeltdown happened. One of these theories claims that God, in all his power, glory, wisdom, strength, amazingness, raw awesome, foresight, almighty splendor and glory smote PTI and made it look like an accident. Some people discredit this theory, claiming God is a hoax. Others claim he would never do such a thing. The police tried to bring God in for questioning, but they could not get a hold of him.

Other Uses for God

History has seen some truly innovative uses for God.

God as cereal

Apparently some people find that God may be reincarnated into a box of cereal hidden in a grocery store somewhere. This was started by Kellogg's dumbshit marketing, claiming that God's word could be still be heard in a bowl of Rice Krispies. As proof, the pope was hired to eat a bowl of cereal with holy water in place of milk. After he choked death, Kellogg claimed that God had claimed his life and sent him to heaven. Each box of Kellogg brand cereal has a little figurine of the virgin Mary in it.

God as a Rhetorical Device

In the art of rhetoric or debate, citing God's will is the ultimate trump card. However, this is generally considered equivalent to playing "nuclear bomb" or "supernova" in a game of rock-paper-scissors, or hitting the restart button during a multiplayer video game. The use of God is now heavily discouraged and is viewed as poor sportsmanship.

References in popular culture

  • In an episode of Lost, Jack at one point utters the phrase "Oh God" under his breath.

See also

Notes

  1. Some theologians disagree on this point, arguing that even God could not survive the boredom of doing nothing for an infinite amount of time before creating the universe. One theory holds that He pulled himself up from down, possibly by my opinion.
Preceded by:
Nothing
Best Thing in Existence
Beginning of TimeEnd of Time
Succeeded by:
Everything
Preceded by:
'Nothing (∞ —13 billion BCE)'
Supreme Authoriter of All Things
13 billion BCE—2004CE
Succeeded by:
'Flying Spaghetti Monster (2004CE—present)'



The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy
CRLHladders Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan

Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Jeez, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan
After a few drinks: Daddyo, Laddyo, & The Spook
Bottom Rung, the Holy Tripod: Gah, Jesús, & the Holy Rock, opposed by Santa
Fell off the Ladder: Goo, Jazz, and Hollywood, opposed by Stalin

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