"God is dead."
~ Nietzsche on God, 1882
"You bet he is!"
~ Satan on God, 1886
"Nietzsche is dead. Guess who won that bet?"
~ God on Nietzsche, 1900
God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah and Jehovah to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and devil's food cake. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.
The First Bet and Creation of the Universe
Just before Creation, on the night preceding 23 October 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. Satan bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet. According to an account by Archbishop James Usher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.
In just six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why he still leads the bet to this day, and also why sports teams never pray to him. This is also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.
The First People: Adam, Lilith and Eve
God created the first man Adam from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle. Satan then decided to make Adam a woman to keep him entertained, because prancing about a garden all day got kind of boring. So Satan created the first woman, Lilith, from two golden pitchers or jugs, a fine bronze jar or can, and a ruby clam with a pearl. When they were infants just a few hours old, God told them to be fruitful and multiply. This way they could quickly produce souls for Him to win. Lilith, who realized she was made of superior material to Adam, left the Garden. Deciding the only way she would have sex with mud men was if she got paid for it, she moved to Babylon where she opened the first brothel.
Frustrated, God either created a woman from Adam's rib (Christian and Jewish version), from the same stuff as Adam (traditional Islamic version), or from "sugar and spice and everything nice," (reformed Bahai version). Eve was thus either Adam's sex-changed cloned sister, a dirty girl, or something good to eat. In God's eyes, all of these made her the perfect mate for Adam.
God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sister Eve to eat the fruit of the Apple Tree of Knowledge. Before He made Eve, God had told Adam and Lilith, "But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.
Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked couple the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4-5). According to Christian and Jewish scripture, Eve ate first, then Adam ate. According to the Qu'ran, the naked Adam and Eve both ate at the same time. This became known as the First 69.
God became so angry at losing the bet, he ripped off Satan's arms and legs. Because of this, Satan became known as the first serpent Monotheistic Pythonicus, which is Latin for "Monty Python".
Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were, in the words of Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven, "fucking ugly," and promptly covered up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being smart-arses" (Craven). God did give them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to New Jersey.
But the couple didn't die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years, begetting like, well, rabbits. This was God's first major victory, but it was bitter sweet. For Adam and Eve went into hiding. Adam changed his name and became a religious satirist under the pseudonym of Douglas Adams, replacing God with "the Great Green Arkleseizure". His wife became a Goddess (as Satan had promised), and changed her name from Eve to Eris.
God never bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.
God Starts To Lose, Decides To Flood World
1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to one of its many ad breaks. God decided to take this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realised that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for drastic action.
God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation, so Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had created, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel. So God had to think of a plan to save Noah and his family whilst leaving the rest to die.
How this was done is detailed in Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): "And God, in his infinite wisdom, told Noah to build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive. And he saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every clean animal and put them on the ark, with the words "Bet £10 I can find the Komodo dragons first!". Once this was complete, God thanked Noah. Noah, unfortunately, wasn't very pleased with God, as he was now a social outcast. Following this, God brought upon a rainy spell that lasted 40 days and 40 nights, and all the world was flooded. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbeque summer, said he 'felt like a right twit.' Then he drowned."
The only people saved from the original creation were Noah of Arc, his wife Joan of Arc, Noah's three sons Greg, Peter and Bobby, and his three stepdaughters/daughters-in-law Marcia, Jan and Cindy. (Members of the reformed Bahai faith have a different list, which includes Gilligan, the Skipper too, the Millionaire and his Wife, the Movie Star, the Professor and Mary Anne).
Jesus Arrives, God Enters North America
- Main article: Original Jesus
God spent a few thousand more years watching and betting on football (nations who follow Satan called it soccer). Then, suddenly, God became bored. According to Reverend James Dobson in his book Focus on the Football, this was due to the season ending after all the players spontaneously collapsed. The Book of Gridiron 1:3-5, says, "And it came to pass in those days that the multitude of football players were greatly exhausted, and did fall unto the ground as if dead. For the time and the season for football were without break, for in those days there was no player's union. And these are the teams and their names: the Angels and the Devils, for there were but two teams."
During the break, which was about 4 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the Angels Cheerleading Squad, God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called "Love." He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself "The God of Love." (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it "Sex" and himself, "Hot Stuff.") God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad's only virgin. She was a girl between the ages of 12 and 16, and according to Reverend Loveshade, God found her "pretty tasty." Her name was Mary Virginia Lolita Davidson Josephwife, and she was betrothed to a carpenter named Joseph. God ignored the ring on her finger, and wooed her in the traditional Godly way - with a blinding light and some massive Angels, which He raised from the dead.
Unfortunately, all did not go as God had planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God's Holy Protection, so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be "great with child." It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The angel said, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost." (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.
God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of South America, while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of North America. God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named "Emmanuel" (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the foetus was a boy. When he realised it wasn't, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God. He simply changed one of the X chromosomes to a Y. Then when, on the eighth day after the infant transsexual's birth, Mary and Joseph called him "Jesus," God claimed "Jesus" was just Puerto Rican for "Emmanuel" (it wasn't, but Satan didn't know this because he'd never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.
God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and also took half of Satan's souls and, for a short time, North America. The South Americans were also pleased, because they believed God's propaganda that Satan was even worse than God.
The Temptation Bet and The Crucifixion
By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an "elder" (Yiddish for "big-headed"). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Rev. G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for "personal reasons no one can be bothered to explain." But Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven wrote, "Don't expect a goy Gentile to understand Jews. Moses the Lawgiver fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on Noah of Arc who organized the first floating zoo. So that copycat Jesus? Don't ask me anymore about Jesus."
God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn't use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.
Satan started by trying to convince Jesus that he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn't do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain, and told him that everything he saw could be his, if he bowed down and worshipped Satan. Jesus didn't do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn't do it.
Satan, humiliated by his defeat, gave all his souls to God, and secretly marvelled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn't know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stoney bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn't bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had vertigo. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He collected His winnings.
God felt sure His son would continue his father's deceptive ways when Jesus said, "I am Christ, and shall deceive many." (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind his son that his name was in fact Jesus, not Christ. Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus healed himself, and distanced himself from his Father God.
Jesus began telling people, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6). God believed His son Jesus was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God had him betrayed and executed on the cross.
This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, sent the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus began a Trinity of Gods, increasing His power and giving Himself three places at the Celestial Poker Game.