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Even The Prophet, Christopher Walken has endorsed God as having "possibly created the Universe". God has been quoted as saying "I don't exist. Seriously. Stop believing in me already. That said, Nietzsche is a douzsche."


God thinks this is amusing

God’s statement should be self-explanatory in its literal meaning, but, as so often happens in this sort of situation, English analysts got a hold of God’s quote and, once again, reminded us that when we make a statement we actually meant to say something entirely different, we just did not know it. Thus, when God says, “I don’t exist,” God is simply displaying God’s admiration for the philosophies of Réné Descartes and God is simply trying to express God’s feelings of depression as a result of not quite knowing who God is. Descartes held that the senses are unreliable as they cannot tell us whether or not, or in what form, we actually exist. This was mainly a product of his questioning the nature of reality when taking dreams into consideration. Therefore, in a sort of anti-materialist/pro-idealist way, Descartes concluded that the only way to know that one exists is through the ability to think. In this same way, God is expressing God’s doubt in the abilities of the senses to tell us who or what we are when God says, “I don’t exist.” You too would probably feel the same way if one day someone told you that you were a “burning bush” and the next you were a “fiery cloud” and the next you were “a still, small wind,” etc. This lack of identity has had the same sort of impact on God as the search for an identity has on humans and, thus, God is, like most human adolescents, lost and depressed. This is why God says, “stop believing in me already.” When a parent of a depressed human adolescent asks the question, “how are you doing,” the adolescent might respond with, “I’m fine; just leave me alone.” This statement is, of course, not to be taken literally and is actually a cry for help from the adolescent to the parent. In this same way, God’s statement, “stop believing in me already,” is actually a cry for help from God to humans in a sort of reverse psychological way to get humans to pay more attention to God. Thus, when God says, "I don't exist. Seriously. Stop believing in me already," God does not mean that literally but rather is expressing God’s deep emotions, which have resulted from God’s search for identity and belonging in the universe. An alternative name for God is Avs.

God as Jack

A widely known and accepted version of God stems from an old Wilsonian folk tale began in the year 20981 AD. It begins with God (who may also be known as Jack) who as of 16/11/2006 AD is 16 years of age. God in all his divinity created all from one starting point and continues to meddle with the affairs of the created beings. The properties of God are such that he knows all, is all, is the only being to legally be allowed to talk about himself in the 3rd person and cares nothing for the fate of the created beings.

Jack's eye, the colours have been changed so as not to cause blindness for the viewers.

God started by creating the tables, it began with the formation of the Round table at Camelot from nothing, which was in fact not round, but a four sided pyramid (not in the traditional sense, this one has four sides like a square-based pyramid, but no base, instead there is an entrance to the void of nothingness) with a sphere balanced on the point. The Round table then created Camelot around it and all other tables in existence, starting with the second ever table which was believed to be a cup and/or a chalice either silver or red in colouration. These tables then decided to create life to stop them from being bored, starting with King Arthur. Of course these tables have been there before humanity and use their demi-God status to make humans believe that they created the tables (what an absurd notion). God is a fan of Mortal Kombat and Great Floods. The tables created many forms of life, notably the Ricky, the William Shatner and the well known Oprah. Oddly enough they did not create Emperor Palpatine, he seemed to come into existence by himself.

The Death and Subsequent Re-Birth of Jack

The year was 54 BC, the place, Britain. The reason that God was there was because he quite enjoyed his lengthy discussions with King Arthur about the nature of existence. There was one thing that God yearned to experience, something he had never bothered to attempt before and that was death. His opportunity came along quite shortly as you will soon read.

There was once a rather unknown person who went by the name of Gaius Julius Cæsar, he was in Britain at the time. The reason that Cæsar was there was because he was on a quest. His main quest was to go holidaying in Britain, however while there he talked to some people about rumours and activated many side quests. The first of these he activated by talking to a cat. This cat told him to steal a ring from an important woman so that she could blackmail her. He did this for her and then she told him about another side quest he should participate in. This quest that she mentioned was one of exploration through conquest; he made it his active quest.

Upon activating this quest he had the sudden urge to begin to conquer all of Britain and slaughter all of the Britons. He promptly began to do so. One day during his campaign against the Britons he came across a very large castle. Unsure of where he was he looked at the sign-post next to it, it read 'Camelot, the fabled home of Arthur, King of the Britons'. Still feeling the blood lust from activating the quest he ventured inside. He remained undetected all the way until he reached the great hall. The denizens could not see him because he was sneaking and his sneak skill was lvl. 100. He then, as they were Britons, snuck up behind them and attacked them for 'massive damage' promptly killing them. However, upon reaching the great hall in which the Round Table was residing, he approached Arthur, who did not see him, and Jack, who did in fact see him.

Seeing this chance God possessed him and forced him to kill him. With this, God died. Upon his death, many people with cameras appeared and began to take photographs of famous people and things; they first took pictures of the hip of God, for that was where the Round table had come from.

Seconds later God decided that death was a little boring and decided to be re-born into the same body at the same age.


  • Many people do not believe in Jack, thusly Jack is not God.
  • Where did Jack create the Round Table if Camelot was not there to create it in?
  • How did Jack create from nothing?
  • What is the purpose of this article?
2nd table

An artist impression of what is widely believed to be the second ever table.

Counter Criticisms
  • God doesn't care as previously stated if people believe in him as he cares nothing for the fate of the created beings.
  • If Jack told anyone that then it would equate to you dividing by 0.
  • See above statement.
  • There is no purpose, only that the purpose is to share and force tableism upon the unsuspecting humans.

Counter-Counter Criticisms

  • Then why did he create anything to start with?
  • But if God doesn't care, why would that matter?
  • See above statement.
  • Tableism isn't a real religion.

Counter-Counter-Counter Criticism

  • God ignored the previous criticisms due to his lack of caring.
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