God's answering service
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Hi, Jesus here. Pop's having a bit of a lie down - He's not getting any younger. Anyway, money really isn't something He has much knowledge of. But, if you think I wasn't down on the temple floor scrabbling for denarius when I kicked over the money-changers' tables, then you're taking my authorized biography too seriously.
Okay, so here goes...
While I was chatting with the boys on the mount I said:" Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin." Yadda, yadda...
But then lilies don't have to pay a cable subscription - am I right? Now I've lived down there on Earth, it's tough. You can't just hang around in fields photosynthesizing. But obsessing about money won't help. That's why I said:
"Consider the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns. And yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they?"
Actually, no. Dad didn't create birds with the equipment to flip burgers for a living or the intelligence to plan for their financial future. You, on the other hand, have opposable thumbs and 100 billion neurons in a brain the size of a cauliflower. Get a McJob and work for a living.
You think manual work's below you? You think I never swept up the saw-dust beneath Joseph's work-table? Seriously, when you spend twenty years working in a carpenter's shop, you take well to notice where every Shekel's coming from. Oh, and while we're on the subject, let's just settle this issue once and for all - I don't care what Mom says - Joseph was no more my Dad than she was a Virgin.
Now go apply for that fry-chef job - if you really hate it you can always eat your own weight in hamburger every day until you qualify for disability benefits for your morbid obesity. Just don't pester Pop about money again, right. Who do you think He is? Santa?
Pressto return to the main menu