Virgin iPhone


06:30 PM

You appear to be worried that God will condemn your worthless mother/father/sibling to burn in sulfurous pits for eternity

You may be right

However, due to an earthquake in China, Genocide in Darfur and famine in San Diego, we are experiencing very high prayer-traffic at present. St. Peter values your entreaties for intercession, please hold....

Your relative is number 1,236,476 in the queue for judgment. We estimate that a decision on their fate will be made in approximately six weeks when their deeds will be weighed and their immortal souls found wanting. Meanwhile, they will wait in purgatory and suffer the agony of limbo.


Don't just throw away your sinful filth - trees were God's creation too - simply recycle them by leaving them in a biodegradable carrier on the curbside, next to the pearly gates.

If you would like to intercede on their behalf please join our "Frequent Supplicant" scheme. You can apply for membership on and make payment via PayPal or by sending a check for $155.65 made out to God c/o His Holiness, Father Joseph Alois Ratzinger, Vatican City, Rome.

Before hanging up, St. Peter would like to remind you to put in some work on your own account. Do a good deed for your neighbor. Phone your mother. Cancel your subscription to "Swedish Nuns in Leather".

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