God's answering service

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*Press '''{{Goto|5|5}}''' for matters of the [[Heart]].
 
*Press '''{{Goto|5|5}}''' for matters of the [[Heart]].
   
Or [[Frustration|hold]] to speak to one of our highly trained operators. They're simply angelic.  
+
Or [[Frustration|hold]] to speak to one of our highly trained operators. They're simply angelic.
   
 
*At any stage press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to the main menu, or press '''{{Goto|{{#expr:trunc({{Get}} / 10)}}|#}}''' to return to previous menu.
 
*At any stage press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to the main menu, or press '''{{Goto|{{#expr:trunc({{Get}} / 10)}}|#}}''' to return to previous menu.
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*For answers to questions concerning the existence of aliens, Bigfoot etc - please wait until check-in. </small>
 
*For answers to questions concerning the existence of aliens, Bigfoot etc - please wait until check-in. </small>
 
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Welcome to ''Healthy Humanity'', accepting desperate entreaties and un-crippling creation for 12,000 years. [[Santa Claus|God/Jehovah/Allah/Jah]] values your prayers but please remember that He created you in His image - any deviation from the care-routine spelled out in the manual voids the warranty. 
+
Welcome to ''Healthy Humanity'', accepting desperate entreaties and un-crippling creation for 12,000 years. [[Santa Claus|God/Jehovah/Allah/Jah]] values your prayers but please remember that He created you in His image - any deviation from the care-routine spelled out in the manual voids the warranty.
   
 
<small><small>''Spontaneous illnesses reflect the immorality of your daily existence''.</small></small>
 
<small><small>''Spontaneous illnesses reflect the immorality of your daily existence''.</small></small>
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In order, to deal with your pathetic pleas as efficiently as possible please:
 
In order, to deal with your pathetic pleas as efficiently as possible please:
   
*Press '''{{Goto|11|1}}''' for male health-issues. 
+
*Press '''{{Goto|11|1}}''' for male health-issues.
   
*Press '''{{Goto|12|2}}''' for our new Well-Woman clinic. 
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*Press '''{{Goto|12|2}}''' for our new Well-Woman clinic.
   
*Press '''{{Goto|13|3}}''' for Transgender issues. 
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*Press '''{{Goto|13|3}}''' for Transgender issues.
   
*Press '''{{Goto|14|4}}''' for concerns about your pets/livestock. 
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*Press '''{{Goto|14|4}}''' for concerns about your pets/livestock.
   
 
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[[Image:Rooneys cock.jpg|right|thumb|180px|All men share your worries. Most just boast to raise their self-esteem.]] 
+
[[Image:Rooneys cock.jpg|right|thumb|180px|All men share your worries. Most just boast to raise their self-esteem.]]
 
You have selected male health-issues. Please listen to the [[wikipedia:Kent Brockman|Voice of God]] in this recorded message.
 
You have selected male health-issues. Please listen to the [[wikipedia:Kent Brockman|Voice of God]] in this recorded message.
   
<big><big>''"You appear to be worried about the size of your [[penis]].</big></big> 
+
<big><big>''"You appear to be worried about the size of your [[penis]].</big></big>
   
It is ''not'' too small. 
+
It is ''not'' too small.
   
Trust me, I know everything. 
+
Trust me, I know everything.
   
Gorillas weigh 700 lbs and I, making them in my image, gave them a tadger three inches long and a quarter of an inch across. They seemed quite happy in the [[jungle]] I created for them until Rwandans discovered how tasty I made them - that ''was'' a mistake. 
+
Gorillas weigh 700 lbs and I, making them in my image, gave them a tadger three inches long and a quarter of an inch across. They seemed quite happy in the [[jungle]] I created for them until Rwandans discovered how tasty I made them - that ''was'' a mistake.
   
 
You're five foot eleven inches. Even your five inch stubby makes [[King Kong]] look like the original [[Marilyn Manson|pencil dick]]."''
 
You're five foot eleven inches. Even your five inch stubby makes [[King Kong]] look like the original [[Marilyn Manson|pencil dick]]."''
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''"Stop worrying about it, get out there and start using it. What do you need more for? Pole-vaulting?"''
 
''"Stop worrying about it, get out there and start using it. What do you need more for? Pole-vaulting?"''
   
Does this answer your question? 
+
Does this answer your question?
   
 
If yes, please press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to the main menu.
 
If yes, please press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to the main menu.
   
 
or, if not,
 
or, if not,
 
+
 
*Press '''{{Goto|111|1}}''' for more information.
 
*Press '''{{Goto|111|1}}''' for more information.
   
 
|111 =
 
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''"Okay, so you have no worries in the length or girth department. But when she talks to her colleagues your girlfriend refers to you as [[wikipedia:Droopy|Mr. Droopy]].  
+
''"Okay, so you have no worries in the length or girth department. But when she talks to her colleagues your girlfriend refers to you as [[wikipedia:Droopy|Mr. Droopy]].
   
 
I may be omnipotent but you can't expect me to be there for everyone ''every'' single moment of the day. I created those guys who invented [[Viagra]]. That stuff really is a miracle - [[Mrs. God's blog|Mrs. God]] and I are at it like loved-up [[Fluffy Bunny World|bunnies]] and I'm older than [[time]]."''
 
I may be omnipotent but you can't expect me to be there for everyone ''every'' single moment of the day. I created those guys who invented [[Viagra]]. That stuff really is a miracle - [[Mrs. God's blog|Mrs. God]] and I are at it like loved-up [[Fluffy Bunny World|bunnies]] and I'm older than [[time]]."''
   
[[Image:droopy i am so happy.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Be happy with what you have to be happy with - seriously, ''you'' don't know what's going to happen to you in six days, nine hours and twenty seven seconds.]] 
+
[[Image:droopy i am so happy.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Be happy with what you have to be happy with - seriously, ''you'' don't know what's going to happen to you in six days, nine hours and twenty seven seconds.]]
   
 
I '''''know''''' this answers your question.
 
I '''''know''''' this answers your question.
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<big><big>[[Mrs. God's blog|Mrs. God]]'s Well-Woman Clinic.</big></big>
 
<big><big>[[Mrs. God's blog|Mrs. God]]'s Well-Woman Clinic.</big></big>
 
[[Image:lopsided hooters.JPG|right|180px|thumb|You think you have problems, Big G's ''friend'', [[Virgin Mary|Mary]], had a [[Jesus|little guy]] who'd only ever feed from her left breast and you should see what ''she'' looked like.]]
 
[[Image:lopsided hooters.JPG|right|180px|thumb|You think you have problems, Big G's ''friend'', [[Virgin Mary|Mary]], had a [[Jesus|little guy]] who'd only ever feed from her left breast and you should see what ''she'' looked like.]]
''"Hiya, 
+
''"Hiya,
   
Betty here. 
+
Betty here.
   
You're calling because your breasts are too large, too small or uneven. 
+
You're calling because your breasts are too large, too small or uneven.
   
 
You know, [[honey]], my hubby created those [[tits|fun bags]] to feed kiddies with. Just because your husband never reads the instruction book that's no reason to start saving up for cosmetic surgery. Have you never watched a boob-job on [[TV]]? Eww!"''
 
You know, [[honey]], my hubby created those [[tits|fun bags]] to feed kiddies with. Just because your husband never reads the instruction book that's no reason to start saving up for cosmetic surgery. Have you never watched a boob-job on [[TV]]? Eww!"''
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<big><big>[[Mrs God's blog|Mrs. God]]'s Well-Woman Clinic.</big></big>
 
<big><big>[[Mrs God's blog|Mrs. God]]'s Well-Woman Clinic.</big></big>
   
[[Image:babies.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Be careful what you wish for, honey. My hubby's got a twisted sense of humor.]] 
+
[[Image:babies.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Be careful what you wish for, honey. My hubby's got a twisted sense of humor.]]
 
''"Hiya, Betty here again
 
''"Hiya, Betty here again
   
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''"Do Creation a favor, hon, tell your [[boyfriend|bf]] it's his [[Bob the Sperm|sperm]]-count that's the problem and then just lay back and enjoy him trying to make up for it."''
 
''"Do Creation a favor, hon, tell your [[boyfriend|bf]] it's his [[Bob the Sperm|sperm]]-count that's the problem and then just lay back and enjoy him trying to make up for it."''
   
''"Toodles,"''
+
''"Toodles"''
   
''''"Betty"'''' 
+
''''"Betty"''''
  +
  +
If you still have issues you'd prefer to discuss with a female deity,
  +
  +
*Press '''{{Goto|122|here}}''' for information about eating-disorders
  +
  +
or
  +
  +
*Press '''{{Goto|123|here}}''' if you are worried about your weight.
  +
  +
  +
* Press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to the main menu
  +
  +
|122 =
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  +
<big><big>[[Mrs God's blog|Mrs. God]]'s Well-Woman Clinic.</big></big>
  +
[[Image:skeleton in a dress.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Your cheek bones look great. Now go eat some dinner already.]]
  +
  +
Hey you,
  +
  +
It's Betty again. You seem to think you have an eating-disorder
  +
  +
You may be right.
  +
  +
Basically hon, if you counted out the [[Rice Krispies]] into your [[breakfast]] bowl without running short of fingers – you’re probably [[Anorexia|Anorexic]].
  +
  +
If you admired the pile of [[Why?:Eat a full English Breakfast|bacon, sausages and eggs]] on your breakfast plate, and then again twenty minutes later in the [[toilet]] bowl – you’re [[wikipedia:Bulimia|Bulimic]].
  +
  +
Either way, being über-thin won’t make you happy. [[Ice Cream]] will make you happy. That’s why [[God|my hubby]] created Ben ''and'' Jerry.
  +
  +
Toodles,
  +
  +
Betty
  +
  +
* Press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to the main menu
  +
  +
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  +
  +
<big><big>[[Mrs God's blog|Mrs. God]]'s Well-Woman Clinic.</big></big>
  +
[[Image:fat-girl-thong.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Maybe a ''Diet'' coke with the Mac and fries would help.]]
  +
  +
Hiya,
  +
  +
It's Betty again and I ''know'' you’re worried you may be obese.
  +
  +
There's no point beating about the burning bush - despite what your husband says, your ass does look [[fat]] in that dress. And in those jeans. I can state that as a ''fact'' ‘cause [[God|''my'' hubby]] told me, and He’s infallible.
  +
  +
The way I see it you have two options:
  +
  +
You can live on [[shit|tofu]] and [[grass|alfalfa]] for six months.
  +
  +
or
  +
  +
*You can save up for [[Cosmetic surgery|liposuction]]. It's almost painless and you get 12 lbs of ugly fat sucked off your hips then ask them to pump it into your saggy old [[tits|funbags]]. Sure surgery costs $5000, but tell the old man to think of the money he’ll save on [[Viagra]] for date-night.
  +
  +
Toodles,
  +
  +
Betty
   
 
* Press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to the main menu
 
* Press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to the main menu
   
 
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|13 =
[[Image:unconvincing transvestite.jpg|right|thumb|180px|You may need to make a little more effort to make money out of your perversion, however.]] 
+
[[Image:unconvincing transvestite.jpg|right|thumb|180px|You may need to make a little more effort to make money out of your perversion, however.]]
   
 
<big><big>This message was recorded on God's behalf by Archbishop Ferocious Ncube, chair of the African Episcopalian Synod.</big></big>
 
<big><big>This message was recorded on God's behalf by Archbishop Ferocious Ncube, chair of the African Episcopalian Synod.</big></big>
   
''"God knows '''everything'''."'' 
+
''"God knows '''everything'''."''
   
 
''"You, who know nothing, have taken it upon yourself to change gender like a frustrated [[guppy]]."''
 
''"You, who know nothing, have taken it upon yourself to change gender like a frustrated [[guppy]]."''
   
''"You are an abomination. Possibly you will enjoy [[Satan]] impaling you on his trident for eternity - we shall certainly enjoy watching. You have made your bed, now lie on it. Better still, at least make someone else happy - move to [[Bangkok]], rent a bed at Madam Roh's and kneel on it."'' 
+
''"You are an abomination. Possibly you will enjoy [[Satan]] impaling you on his trident for eternity - we shall certainly enjoy watching. You have made your bed, now lie on it. Better still, at least make someone else happy - move to [[Bangkok]], rent a bed at Madam Roh's and kneel on it."''
   
 
* Dial ''666'' to introduce yourself directly to Satan.
 
* Dial ''666'' to introduce yourself directly to Satan.
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[[Image:comedy satan.jpg|right|180px]]
 
[[Image:comedy satan.jpg|right|180px]]
   
<big><big>Hello and welcome to Damnation.</big></big> 
+
<big><big>Hello and welcome to Damnation.</big></big>
   
None of our customer liaison officers are available at the moment. Please hold the line and our next available officer will be with you soon. 
+
None of our customer liaison officers are available at the moment. Please hold the line and our next available officer will be with you soon.
   
Please note that we don't have any customer liaison officers, so we would appreciate it if you simply held the line eternally in the company of this lovely [[torture|pan-pipe music]] - this is Hell, after all. 
+
Please note that we don't have any customer liaison officers, so we would appreciate it if you simply held the line eternally in the company of this lovely [[torture|pan-pipe music]] - this is Hell, after all.
   
 
Alternatively, press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to Deliverance
 
Alternatively, press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' to return to Deliverance
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[[Image:angelic hamster.jpg|right|thumb|180px|Just not gonna happen, okay.]]
 
[[Image:angelic hamster.jpg|right|thumb|180px|Just not gonna happen, okay.]]
Your [[hamster]] is just an [[animal]], for fuck's sake. 
+
Your [[hamster]] is just an [[animal]], for fuck's sake.
   
It has no soul. 
+
It has no soul.
   
 
Grow up.
 
Grow up.
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<small>''Deliverance'' would like to apologize for God's foul language. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of [[Heaven]]</small>
 
<small>''Deliverance'' would like to apologize for God's foul language. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of [[Heaven]]</small>
 
|2 =
 
|2 =
<big><big>You appear to be worried that God will condemn your worthless mother/father/sibling to burn in sulphurous pits for eternity</big></big>
+
<big><big>You appear to be worried that God will condemn your worthless mother/father/sibling to burn in sulfurous pits for eternity</big></big>
   
 
<big><big>You may be right</big></big>
 
<big><big>You may be right</big></big>
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However, due to an [[earthquake]] in [[China]], [[Genocide]] in [[Gay whales in Darfur|Darfur]] and [[famine]] in [[San Diego]], we are experiencing very high prayer-traffic at present. [[St. Peter of Cottontail|St. Peter]] values your entreaties for intercession, please hold....
 
However, due to an [[earthquake]] in [[China]], [[Genocide]] in [[Gay whales in Darfur|Darfur]] and [[famine]] in [[San Diego]], we are experiencing very high prayer-traffic at present. [[St. Peter of Cottontail|St. Peter]] values your entreaties for intercession, please hold....
   
Your relative is number 1,236,476 in the queue for judgment. We estimate that a decision on their [[fate]] will be made in approximately six weeks, when their deeds will be weighed and their immortal souls found wanting. Meanwhile, they will wait in [[purgatory]] and suffer the agony of [[limbo]]. 
+
Your relative is number 1,236,476 in the queue for judgment. We estimate that a decision on their [[fate]] will be made in approximately six weeks, when their deeds will be weighed and their immortal souls found wanting. Meanwhile, they will wait in [[purgatory]] and suffer the agony of [[limbo]].
[[Image:Leather-Nun-sexy.jpg|right|thumb|160px|Don't just throw away your sinful filth - trees were God's creation too - simply recycle them by leaving them in a biodegradable carrier on the curbside, next to the pearly gates.]] 
+
[[Image:Leather-Nun-sexy.jpg|right|thumb|160px|Don't just throw away your sinful filth - trees were God's creation too - simply recycle them by leaving them in a biodegradable carrier on the curbside, next to the pearly gates.]]
   
 
If you would like to intercede on their behalf please join our ''"Frequent Supplicant"'' scheme. You can apply for membership on ''[[Nigerian Money Scam|www.Peters-pennies.com]]'' and make payment via [[PayPal]] or by sending a check for $155.65 made out to God c/o His Holiness, [[The Pope|Father Joseph Alois Ratzinger]], [[Neverland|Vatican City]], [[Rome]].
 
If you would like to intercede on their behalf please join our ''"Frequent Supplicant"'' scheme. You can apply for membership on ''[[Nigerian Money Scam|www.Peters-pennies.com]]'' and make payment via [[PayPal]] or by sending a check for $155.65 made out to God c/o His Holiness, [[The Pope|Father Joseph Alois Ratzinger]], [[Neverland|Vatican City]], [[Rome]].
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|3 =
[[Image:Pimp_Jesus.gif|right|thumb|180px|Chill bro. Money's not everything, you know.]] 
+
[[Image:Pimp_Jesus.gif|right|thumb|180px|Chill bro. Money's not everything, you know.]]
   
Hi, [[Jesus]] here. [[God|Pop]]'s having a bit of a lie down - He's not getting any younger. Anyway, money really isn't something He has much knowledge of. But, if you think I wasn't down on the temple floor scrabbling for denariis when I kicked over the money-changers' tables, then you're taking my [[New Testament|authorized biography]] too seriously. 
+
Hi, [[Jesus]] here. [[God|Pop]]'s having a bit of a lie down - He's not getting any younger. Anyway, money really isn't something He has much knowledge of. But, if you think I wasn't down on the temple floor scrabbling for denariis when I kicked over the money-changers' tables, then you're taking my [[New Testament|authorized biography]] too seriously.
   
 
Okay, so here goes...
 
Okay, so here goes...
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''"Consider the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns. And yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they?"''
 
''"Consider the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns. And yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they?"''
   
Actually, no. Dad didn't create birds with the equipment to flip burgers for a living or the intelligence to plan for their financial future. You, on the other hand, have opposable thumbs and 100 billion neurons in a [[brain]] the size of a cauliflower. Get a McJob and work for a living. 
+
Actually, no. Dad didn't create birds with the equipment to flip burgers for a living or the intelligence to plan for their financial future. You, on the other hand, have opposable thumbs and 100 billion neurons in a [[brain]] the size of a cauliflower. Get a McJob and work for a living.
   
 
You think manual work's below you? You think I never swept up the saw-dust beneath Joseph's work-table? Seriously, when you spend twenty years working in a carpenter's shop, you take good notice where every Shekel's coming from.
 
You think manual work's below you? You think I never swept up the saw-dust beneath Joseph's work-table? Seriously, when you spend twenty years working in a carpenter's shop, you take good notice where every Shekel's coming from.
 
Oh, and while we're on the subject, let's just settle this issue once and for all - I don't care what [[Virgin Mary|Mom]] says - Joseph was no more my Dad than she was a [[Virgin]].
 
Oh, and while we're on the subject, let's just settle this issue once and for all - I don't care what [[Virgin Mary|Mom]] says - Joseph was no more my Dad than she was a [[Virgin]].
 
+
 
Now go apply for that fry-chef job - if you really hate it you can always eat your own weight in hamburger every day until you qualify for disability benefits for your morbid obesity. Just don't pester Pop about money again, right. Who do you think He is? [[Santa]]?
 
Now go apply for that fry-chef job - if you really hate it you can always eat your own weight in hamburger every day until you qualify for disability benefits for your morbid obesity. Just don't pester Pop about money again, right. Who do you think He is? [[Santa]]?
   
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|4 =
 
|4 =
[[Image:pearly gates of heaven.jpg|right|180px|thumb| Your name's not down; you're not coming in.]] 
+
[[Image:pearly gates of heaven.jpg|right|180px|thumb| Your name's not down; you're not coming in.]]
 
You appear to be inquiring about the health of your immortal soul. [[Heaven]] has eight distinct levels of service, in order to ensure that you access the correct area please chose the appropriate message from one of the following options
 
You appear to be inquiring about the health of your immortal soul. [[Heaven]] has eight distinct levels of service, in order to ensure that you access the correct area please chose the appropriate message from one of the following options
   
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*Read message '''{{Goto|47|7}}''' if you are [[Eastern Orthodox]].
 
*Read message '''{{Goto|47|7}}''' if you are [[Eastern Orthodox]].
   
Press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}'''  if you're a [[Mormon]] - you're way off the mark.
+
Press '''{{Goto|0|☆}}''' if you're a [[Mormon]] - you're way off the mark.
   
 
|41 =
 
|41 =
[[Image:suffer the little children.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Suffer the little children...]] 
+
[[Image:suffer the little children.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Suffer the little children...]]
   
 
<big><big>You are [[Catholic]].</big></big>
 
<big><big>You are [[Catholic]].</big></big>
   
   
You have no need to worry about your soul. Just make sure you confess everything  before croaking - God will forgive anything for some juicy [[gossip]].
+
You have no need to worry about your soul. Just make sure you confess everything before croaking - God will forgive anything for some juicy [[gossip]].
   
 
Also, best not to say anything about Father John. He was just a lonely old man and [[child abuse|didn't mean any harm by it]].
 
Also, best not to say anything about Father John. He was just a lonely old man and [[child abuse|didn't mean any harm by it]].
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<big><big> You are an Anglican.</big></big>
 
<big><big> You are an Anglican.</big></big>
   
Let's face it. You don't really believe in me, do you? 
+
Let's face it. You don't really believe in me, do you?
   
You don't believe in [[Hell]] either. 
+
You don't believe in [[Hell]] either.
   
 
Guess who'll be having the last laugh.... {{#expr: trunc((1356048000 - {{#time: U | now}})/60/60/24/365)}} year{{#ifexpr:{{#expr: trunc((1356048000 - {{#time: U | now}})/60/60/24/365)}}=1||s}}, {{#expr:{{#time: n |@{{#expr: trunc(({{#time: U | 21 dec}} - {{#time: U | now}}))}}}}-1}} month{{#ifexpr:{{#time: n |@{{#expr: trunc(({{#time: U | 21 dec}} - {{#time: U | now}}))}}}}-1=1||s}}, {{#ifexpr:{{#time: j | now}}<21|{{#expr: 21 - {{#time: d | now}}}}|{{#expr: {{#time: t}} - {{#time: d | now}} + 21}}}} day{{#ifexpr:{{#ifexpr:{{#time: j | now}}<21|{{#expr: 21 - {{#time: d | now}}}}|{{#expr: {{#time: t}} - {{#time: d | now}} + 21}}}}=1||s}} and {{#expr: 24 - {{#time: g}}}} hour{{#ifexpr: 24 - {{#time: g}}=1||s}} from now.
 
Guess who'll be having the last laugh.... {{#expr: trunc((1356048000 - {{#time: U | now}})/60/60/24/365)}} year{{#ifexpr:{{#expr: trunc((1356048000 - {{#time: U | now}})/60/60/24/365)}}=1||s}}, {{#expr:{{#time: n |@{{#expr: trunc(({{#time: U | 21 dec}} - {{#time: U | now}}))}}}}-1}} month{{#ifexpr:{{#time: n |@{{#expr: trunc(({{#time: U | 21 dec}} - {{#time: U | now}}))}}}}-1=1||s}}, {{#ifexpr:{{#time: j | now}}<21|{{#expr: 21 - {{#time: d | now}}}}|{{#expr: {{#time: t}} - {{#time: d | now}} + 21}}}} day{{#ifexpr:{{#ifexpr:{{#time: j | now}}<21|{{#expr: 21 - {{#time: d | now}}}}|{{#expr: {{#time: t}} - {{#time: d | now}} + 21}}}}=1||s}} and {{#expr: 24 - {{#time: g}}}} hour{{#ifexpr: 24 - {{#time: g}}=1||s}} from now.
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<big><big> You are Jewish.</big></big>
 
<big><big> You are Jewish.</big></big>
   
[[Image:danceBW.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Seriously, chill.]] 
+
[[Image:danceBW.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Seriously, chill.]]
   
Don't worry. 
+
Don't worry.
   
 
You really are one of the chosen people. Just kick back a little, give yourself a break, eat a plate of [[kosher|oysters]] wrapped in [[bacon]] and take off that ridiculous hat already.
 
You really are one of the chosen people. Just kick back a little, give yourself a break, eat a plate of [[kosher|oysters]] wrapped in [[bacon]] and take off that ridiculous hat already.
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<big><big> You are Muslim.</big></big>
 
<big><big> You are Muslim.</big></big>
   
[[Image:Taliban-Missile-160.jpg|right|180px|thumb|After all these years even Allah gets bored - interesting punishments for infidels will be rewarded.]] 
+
[[Image:Taliban-Missile-160.jpg|right|180px|thumb|After all these years even Allah gets bored - interesting punishments for infidels will be rewarded.]]
 
Congratulations, there are many paths to God, but only you have chosen the one that doesn't pass through Hell first..
 
Congratulations, there are many paths to God, but only you have chosen the one that doesn't pass through Hell first..
   
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<big><big> You are a Jehovah's Witness.</big></big>
 
<big><big> You are a Jehovah's Witness.</big></big>
   
[[Image:jehovah's door to door.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Don't sweat it. As Jehovah's Witnesses, you'll be used to not being allowed passed the gate.]]
+
[[Image:Jehovah's door to door.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Don't sweat it. As Jehovah's Witnesses, you'll be used to not being allowed passed the gate.]]
   
 
Thank you for all the hard work on my behalf. Since you appear to believe that there are only 144,000 places in Heaven, your wing has been size-restricted accordingly. Better get out there and do some converting or you're gonna burn, baby.
 
Thank you for all the hard work on my behalf. Since you appear to believe that there are only 144,000 places in Heaven, your wing has been size-restricted accordingly. Better get out there and do some converting or you're gonna burn, baby.
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<center><big>Oh, well.</big></center>
 
<center><big>Oh, well.</big></center>
 
<br>
 
<br>
[[Image:jesus-tattoo.jpg|right|180px|thumb|What do you think of the ink? Chicks dig that sort of shit.]]
+
[[Image:Jesus-tattoo.jpg|right|180px|thumb|What do you think of the ink? Chicks dig that sort of shit.]]
   
 
Hi,
 
Hi,
Line 329: Line 329:
   
   
In order to ensure that you access the correct advice please chose the appropriate message from one of the following options 
+
In order to ensure that you access the correct advice please chose the appropriate message from one of the following options
   
*Read message '''{{Goto|51|1}}''' if you the object of your affection has run off with your brother/sister/best friend. 
+
*Read message '''{{Goto|51|1}}''' if you the object of your affection has run off with your brother/sister/best friend.
   
*Read message '''{{Goto|52|2}}''' if you the object of your affection is your brother or sister. 
+
*Read message '''{{Goto|52|2}}''' if you the object of your affection is your brother or sister.
   
*Read message '''{{Goto|53|3}}''' if you the object of your affection has no idea you exist. 
+
*Read message '''{{Goto|53|3}}''' if you the object of your affection has no idea you exist.
   
*Read message '''{{Goto|54|4}}''' if you the object of your affection is not human. 
+
*Read message '''{{Goto|54|4}}''' if you the object of your affection is not human.
   
*Read message '''{{Goto|55|5}}''' if you wish me to punish a love-rival. 
+
*Read message '''{{Goto|55|5}}''' if you wish me to punish a love-rival.
   
[[Image:fat ugly_girl.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Why not date her? She'll be so grateful she'll let you do that thing it specifically says not to do in Leviticus. And you ''will'' be surprised at that thing she does with her tongue.]] 
+
[[Image:fat ugly_girl.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Why not date her? She'll be so grateful she'll let you do that thing it specifically says not to do in Leviticus. And you ''will'' be surprised at that thing she does with her tongue.]]
 
|51 =
 
|51 =
 
<big><big>Your spouse/significant other entity is a lying, cheating tramp/philanderer. </big></big>
 
<big><big>Your spouse/significant other entity is a lying, cheating tramp/philanderer. </big></big>
   
[[Image:wife-spouse-cheating.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Your slut of a wife will sleep with ''anything'' in trousers.]] 
+
[[Image:wife-spouse-cheating.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Your slut of a wife will sleep with ''anything'' in trousers.]]
God wants you to track down this excuse for a human being, tie him/her to a tree, and fatally stone him/her - especially if it's a her. 
+
God wants you to track down this excuse for a human being, tie him/her to a tree, and fatally stone him/her - especially if it's a her.
   
Really, He does. 
+
Really, He does.
   
 
It's in the [[Bible]], so it must be true.
 
It's in the [[Bible]], so it must be true.
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|52 =
 
|52 =
[[Image:incestuous.Gif|right|260px|]] 
+
[[Image:incestuous.Gif|right|260px|]]
<big><big>You're in [[love]] with your sibling.</big></big> 
+
<big><big>You're in [[love]] with your sibling.</big></big>
   
Could be worse. 
+
Could be worse.
   
At least it's not your mother. 
+
At least it's not your mother.
   
It is? 
+
It is?
   
Tell me you're joking. 
+
Tell me you're joking.
   
Ugh, that's just disgusting - I may have to send another flood or something. Isn't that sort of thing illegal anymore? I'd suggest immediate castration followed by a quick appearance on [[Jerry Springer]]. 
+
Ugh, that's just disgusting - I may have to send another flood or something. Isn't that sort of thing illegal anymore? I'd suggest immediate castration followed by a quick appearance on [[Jerry Springer]].
   
 
It's no good looking to me for forgiveness, people like you make me sick.
 
It's no good looking to me for forgiveness, people like you make me sick.
Line 378: Line 378:
 
But we can't all be worshipped blindly by billions, can we?
 
But we can't all be worshipped blindly by billions, can we?
   
Look, I know you're shy but you've got to meet me halfway here - I can't do everything. 
+
Look, I know you're shy but you've got to meet me halfway here - I can't do everything.
   
Well, obviously I ''can'' do everything but you have to put in some of the hard yards yourself. 
+
Well, obviously I ''can'' do everything but you have to put in some of the hard yards yourself.
   
 
Maybe if you spent less time in [[church]], got out a bit, smoked a bit of draw and let your hair down a little, it'll work out for you. Girls don't go for goody-two-shoes, you know.
 
Maybe if you spent less time in [[church]], got out a bit, smoked a bit of draw and let your hair down a little, it'll work out for you. Girls don't go for goody-two-shoes, you know.
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[[Image:bestial-06.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Why not indulge your sick fantasies with a piñata, I never got round to banning that.]]
 
[[Image:bestial-06.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Why not indulge your sick fantasies with a piñata, I never got round to banning that.]]
For my sake, mankind! 
+
For my sake, mankind!
   
I put you guys on [[Earth]] and gave you [[Dominion]] over the beasts of the field but honestly...  
+
I put you guys on [[Earth]] and gave you [[Dominion]] over the beasts of the field but honestly...
   
 
I mean, what made you think that this sort of thing would be okay? Maybe you should see a [[psychiatrist]], anyone who finds [[porcupine]]s so attractive they'll put their schlong in one is in need of professional help.
 
I mean, what made you think that this sort of thing would be okay? Maybe you should see a [[psychiatrist]], anyone who finds [[porcupine]]s so attractive they'll put their schlong in one is in need of professional help.
Line 402: Line 402:
 
[[Image:human voodoo doll.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Why not cut out the middle man and just stick pins in your girlfriend?]]
 
[[Image:human voodoo doll.jpg|right|180px|thumb|Why not cut out the middle man and just stick pins in your girlfriend?]]
   
I’m sorry, but I think you may have misunderstood the nature of God. 
+
I’m sorry, but I think you may have misunderstood the nature of God.
   
Haven’t you read the [[New Testament|second volume of my autobiography]]? I am [[love]]. I don’t really do smiting any more. Or thunderbolts and lightning. Though I can be very frightening. 
+
Haven’t you read the [[New Testament|second volume of my autobiography]]? I am [[love]]. I don’t really do smiting any more. Or thunderbolts and lightning. Though I can be very frightening.
   
Galileo! 
+
Galileo!
   
Galileo! 
+
Galileo!
   
Galileo, Figaro, Magnifico! 
+
Galileo, Figaro, Magnifico!
   
 
Got to love [[Bohemian Rhapsody|that song]] - I get the [[angels]] to sing it all the time - the cherubim are really good at the high part. Shame that [[Freddie Mercury]] had to got to [[hell|the other place]]. But I hear he likes it down there!
 
Got to love [[Bohemian Rhapsody|that song]] - I get the [[angels]] to sing it all the time - the cherubim are really good at the high part. Shame that [[Freddie Mercury]] had to got to [[hell|the other place]]. But I hear he likes it down there!
   
I’ve taken a less active role in retribution over the last couple of millennia, I think age is mellowing me. These days I tend to visit cheating wives as a [[syphilis|burning bush]] and let them pass it on to their fancy-men. You can still stick pins in a doll’s eyes and pray that your rival is struck blind if you like.  Just don’t rely on me doing it - I don’t do the [[Voodoo]] you do. And don’t use that blow up doll you keep in the wardrobe! Oh yeah! I see everything and that is ''not'' right!
+
I’ve taken a less active role in retribution over the last couple of millennia, I think age is mellowing me. These days I tend to visit cheating wives as a [[syphilis|burning bush]] and let them pass it on to their fancy-men. You can still stick pins in a doll’s eyes and pray that your rival is struck blind if you like. Just don’t rely on me doing it - I don’t do the [[Voodoo]] you do. And don’t use that blow up doll you keep in the wardrobe! Oh yeah! I see everything and that is ''not'' right!
   
 
<small><small>If ever I get round to revising those commandments, I'm going to do an entire chapter on latex, I swear to Me.</small></small>
 
<small><small>If ever I get round to revising those commandments, I'm going to do an entire chapter on latex, I swear to Me.</small></small>
Line 422: Line 422:
   
 
|-1 =
 
|-1 =
<div style ="position:absolute; top:0px; left:0px; width: 100%; height: 1200px; background: black;">[[File:Fire-animated.gif|500px|link=Hell|alt=Don't say you weren't warned!]]</div> 
+
<div style ="position:absolute; top:0px; left:0px; width: 100%; height: 1200px; background: black;">[[File:Fire-animated.gif|500px|link=Hell|alt=Don't say you weren't warned!]]</div>
 
| #default =
 
| #default =
 
You've pressed {{#expr:trunc({{get}} mod 10)}}, which wasn't one of the options.
 
You've pressed {{#expr:trunc({{get}} mod 10)}}, which wasn't one of the options.
   
{{#ifexpr: {{get}} > 11199|<div style ="position:absolute; top:0px; left:0px; width: 100%; height: 1200px; background: black;">[[File:Fire-animated.gif|500px|center|link=Hell|alt=Don't say you weren't warned!]]</div>|{{#ifexpr: {{get}} > 1119|I'm being patient, but this is your last chance!|Up until this point God has been a kindly God, but when God asks you to do something a particular way, that is a Commandment.  Breaking God's commandments makes God an angry God. <br> <br>Don't make me get pre-Medieval on your ass!}}}}
+
{{#ifexpr: {{get}} > 11199|<div style ="position:absolute; top:0px; left:0px; width: 100%; height: 1200px; background: black;">[[File:Fire-animated.gif|500px|center|link=Hell|alt=Don't say you weren't warned!]]</div>|{{#ifexpr: {{get}} > 1119|I'm being patient, but this is your last chance!|Up until this point God has been a kindly God, but when God asks you to do something a particular way, that is a Commandment. Breaking God's commandments makes God an angry God. <br> <br>Don't make me get pre-Medieval on your ass!}}}}
 
[[Image:ANGRYGOD.jpg|right|200px|thumb|Don't make me come down there!]]
 
[[Image:ANGRYGOD.jpg|right|200px|thumb|Don't make me come down there!]]
   
Line 432: Line 432:
 
}}
 
}}
 
</div>
 
</div>
  +
  +
<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
  +
{{FA|date=13 January 2011|revision=4921610}}
   
 
[[Category:Machines]]
 
[[Category:Machines]]

Latest revision as of 07:44, May 25, 2011

Virgin iPhone

Deliverance
Deliverance

08:48 PM

Thank you for calling Deliverance, the combined prayer-answering service for God/Jehovah/Allah and Jah Rastafari. Prayer-volume is high right now, but your immortal soul is important to us. To help us bestow His blessings upon you more efficiently, please select one of the following services, press the appropriate button and praise Him through song, sacrifice or by getting righteously stoned.

  • Press 2 for prayers about deceased relatives.
  • Press 5 for matters of the Heart.

Or hold to speak to one of our highly trained operators. They're simply angelic.

  • At any stage press to return to the main menu, or press # to return to previous menu.


Note:

  • Your prayers may be recorded for training purposes (though we already know what you're thinking).
  • For answers to questions concerning the existence of aliens, Bigfoot etc - please wait until check-in.













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