God's masturbation
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“Told You!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on God's Masturbation
“Does that mean I can huff a kitten now?”
~ You on God's Masturbation
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[edit] God
Now, for those who don't know, God is an omnipotent being. There's your introduction, now go chase parked cars.
[edit] The would-be point of contention
God is male.This alone wouldn't get us very far,bob, but the very few Christians who insist on Gods maleness would then go on to deny the two other premises we need for our merrymaking. These other two premises are that: God is perfect, and God is unique. Once these three things are granted, everything that follows falls out as part of a simple deduction.
[edit] The Argument
Firstly, drawing upon common knowledge of our first premise we know that to be male one must have a penis.Therefore God, being male, must have a penis of appropriately holy proportions. (It would do no good to claim that to be male is to have a Y-chromosome in this case, because God, of course, is supposed to be a spiritual, not a biological being.)
Because efficiency and precision are virtues, we know from our second premise that a perfect being would suffer no waste. God then would have no wasteful organs. Putting the two ideas together, it can therefore be said that, since God has a penis, He must use his penis for something. But use it for what? The penis only serves two functions, and, since a perfect being would no more produce waste than have wasted organs, the possible uses of Gods penis are reduced to those of a sexual nature. Ezekiel saw God's loins. (Ezekiel 1:27) What did Ezekiel see?
An astute reader might now notice that this argument has taken a rather puzzling turn. Worse than puzzling actually - for if, as according to our third premise, God is unique, then there are no others like Him. And if there are no others like Him, well then sexual reproduction is right out of the question.
A conundrum indeed, but this needn't lead us to abandon the notion of God's manhood as if the universe's most loving and benevolent deity were the victim of some sort of botched circumcision. No. Though it first appears that the argument ends here in contradiction, we are in fact not stranded with an irresolvable paradox. With a little thought and a touch of cerebral resourcefulness another use for God's penis stands up to be seen. There is another option. To the relief of Christians everywhere, God's manhood can be saved!
[edit] You Mean?
That's right, God masturbates!!!
Problem solved. The solution is a straight forward deduction, and it can be held with a conviction equal to that of the premises that drive it.
[edit] The Argument (revised edition)
God is perfect.
A perfect being has no useless attributes.
Therefore God must use his penis.
God is a unique being.
[A unique being has no others like himself.]
A penis is used for either waste removal or sexual activity.
[But not for waste or reproduction.]
Therefore God must masturbate (assuming he is male).
[edit] Wowzers
After seeing its ramifications, the notion of God's maleness is a far reaching one for Christianity; and it is, in fact, an even more dramatic discovery than it at first appears. This is because Christians don't merely assert that God is sometimes perfect or sometimes unique. No, they assert that He is always perfect and always unique. This allows us to justify an additional deduction.
[edit] The Additional Deduction
God must masturbate if He is perfect, male, and unique.
God is always perfect, male, and unique.
God is always Masturbating.
[edit] Conclusion
So there it is. Not only is this the outline for some pretty impressive apologetics, but the solution resolves an older, more serious, theological problem as well: Philosophers and sceptics have often asked, How is it that an all-powerful, benevolent, being can suffer the presence of so much evil in the world? Now we know, evil is what God is not, the world is not about us and does not revolve around us, and His goodness will for eternity be highlighted by the memory of horribly stupid uncyclopedia articles that will have been destroyed along with all the other evil. And we'll praise His name all the more. (and his poor unused penis, which consequently would probably have fallen off to become japan...or something)
God or no God, if I bury my head in the sand I won't reap the consequences of my sin.
[edit] Fun Facts
God's anger during the Old Testament, is out of anger due to his 1/2 inch penis, which is proportionately small considering his infinite height. Bear Grylles is made out of God's semen
