From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Punching goats is generally what I want to do.”
“FRENCH BREAD ROX MY SOCKS OFF”
“ That is it! I've had it with these mother fucking goats on this mother fucking boat!”
- A summary of goat. No more research is available, as all field researchers were consumed in their studies.'
Goats were one of the US government's most hilarious pranks. Most people believe in their existence due to the fact they've never seen one.
In the year 1870 the US Government wanted to see if they could get the public to believe in the existence of an animal by putting up pictures of them and making it general knowledge. They succeeded, and called the animal the "goat", but in reality no such animal exists.
In a follow-up survey done by the government they asked over 1000 people if they believed in goats. 99% of them said yes. They then asked if any of them had ever seen a goat 90% replied no. When the interviewer pointed out this discrepancy the interviewee simply shrugged and said the interviewer was crazy and walked away.
The first goat ever alleged vision of a goat was recorded by legendary Dewey King, Tomaca Castanova, leader of the popular Azutana tribe. It was discovered at the bottom of a huge canyon which was later to become commonly known as The Great Goat Chasm which regularly attracts over 7 visitors each month providing a solid income for the last remaining Aztec warriors. Having never seen a goat before, King Izuma immediately declared it to be a greater being and was therefore granted full access to wherever it wished to roam and whatever it wished to eat. Much like the sacred cows of India today. The goat was deemed so sacred it was declared illegal to look at it, an offence that was punished by death.
Some other common facts include:
- Goats[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] are excellent hunters, as they have evolved from dragons. They also make good Goatmeal and Shredded Goats. Over millions of years, their front legs have extended, and they have grown large, spikey horns, a result of purposeful breeding with Satan and various formidable demons to make an even more formidable predator. Another byproduct of this breeding is the blood of a goat, which upon consumption will have the same effect as drinking liquid magma.
- Their sense of hearing is astronomical, as they can hear everything within a twenty-kilometer radius. No one can sneak up on a goat, not even ninjas.
- Goats are flatulent after hunting, with a digestive system which is roughly as acidic as Hydrochloric Acid, expelling a gas which is harnessed to create VX nerve gas found in popular media in movies such as "The Rock". The goat is also able to use this as a defensive mechanism against higher members of the food chain, such as grues.
- Drinking small amounts of goats blood (Magma) is an important part of many terrorist organization initiation rites, as survival is totally based on luck. This proves that the participant is willing to commit suicide for other people.
- Out of the suspected 54 species of goat only 62 of those can produce the paper-like substance known as cyanide.
- Goats are selfish creatures, that take joy in the spending of money at such places as arcades, casinos, or brothels. If you feed a goat whipped cream, you are encouraging it to do such things.
- The goats dance with monkeys also sometimes.
- One can scour the earth for goats (not recommended) and not find them.
Goats are not confined to any specific landmass or environment. As they are 5th of the food chain they are able to sustain themselves wherever they reside. Popular locations include Nepal, Uganda, PETA compounds, and Siberia. Goats are also partial to tourism. To accomplish this they use the dried skin of prey to form a complex wing set. They then use rising air currents to travel vast distances. Pilfered circus cannons are also a speedy form of travel for goats, but often do not have the necessary power and range.
Population and Living Conditions
Some species of goats are thought to live in large communities like gypsies, living as squatters on human-owned grasslands. Goats are often confused as to why their subordinates, the humans, assume the presence of the goats to be as a result of a decision they have made. Goats living as squatters use mind control on humans in order to attain a free livestock truck ride to a new location.
Goats will eat just about any mammal with adequate flesh. Hop on your nearest scales to see if you are eligible to be eaten by a goat. Children and babies are certain prey. Those over 20% body fat are also prime targets.
When goats attack, they'll break they're prey's knees with their powerful hooves, bringing the prey into a praying position. Once downed, the goats will then scalp their prey with their sharp teeth. After the scalping, the goat excretes gasses to put the target under paralysis. It then slowly inserts the target into its intestines via the anus. The target is still conscious and can live in the intestines up to a day with full consciousness, unable to move as it is digested.
Though goats are not usually sought out for food, one creature is known to prey on goats for the sole purpose of copulation. This creature is known simply as "Boosher" and is indigenous to the outskirts to some small towns. This creature is a half man, half beast abomination who's name roughly translates into "one who fucks goats" in an ancient Mayan dialect. The wild Boosher is very dangerous and is known to violate humans as well as goats. All Booshers carry a highly infectious disease called "Bahh-itis" which is contracted through prolonged sexual contact and/or the drinking of contaminated goat milk. The infected individual also develops Hepatitis and becomes hated by all people within a six mile radius. This disease has no cure despite the best efforts of scientists and doctors. If faced with a Boosher, one can only hope to flee. However, if that is not an option, experts suggest to barter with the Boosher with fake steroids or low-end narcotics. Unlike most animals, Booshers live entirely off sexual pleasure and becoming intoxicated. This has lead to worldwide study of Booshers.
Another predator of goats is the Chupacabra indigenous to many shitty South and Central American countries. Its name translates to "one who fellates goats" in Spanish. Like the Boosher, the Chupacabra is known to violate goats. However, Chupacabras will drink their prey's blood for sustenance. This is very unlike the Boosher, which will leave his prey alive to violate later. It is unknown where the Chupacabra has come from, but leading experts suggest it was sent by God to punish the goat race for their sins. However, leading envirionmental figure such as Al Gore believe the Chupacabra is a product of global warming. Others believe that the Chupacabra is a hoax. If these non-believers live anywhere except the United States or France they and their families are swiftly executed by gun-wielding Gypsies. The Chupacabra are one of the major religious figures in the Gypsie religion.
Education & Occupations
Contrary to popular belief, most goats attend Ivy League colleges in their formative years. And although no goat in recent memory has ever held a job, most of them aspire to be lumberjacks. Though, they are not particularly good at this vocation, as having three legs is a hindrance, and since the vast majority of lumber buyers in Canada are French Canadian, they have no one to barter with. Goats are known to panic and faint when they see an opened umbrella, closed umbrellas attract them on the other hand. Top scientists believe this behaviour dates back to goat sheep war in which umbrellas were used as makeshift parachutes by sheep. Fainting goats are used as sacraficial diversions. No shit, either - wolf comes along, goat gets scared, BOOM, dead goat. Pretty funny, actually.
Knowledge and Learning of Goats
Renowened for their fighting prowess, Marques of Queenbury added Goats to his legendary rules making Goats an essential part of man-to-man combat. The reason for inclusion of a goat is a mystery, but it's value is unquestioned.
In everyday life, goats are constantly learning new things. The goat mind always looks for the simplest way to complete a task, continuously finding better ways to accomplish the task at hand. This increases goat's knowledge substantially every day. Their minds are at work everywhere, be it work or relationships. Relationships are the more challenging side to learn. Getting inside the other person’s head is the tricky part, but it teaches the best way to interact with that person. Learning is not limited to observing or reading about something; sometimes it is necessary to experience the true feeling of something in order to acquire the skill needed to do it properly. In the short story “Saturday Climbing”, W.D. Goatgardson illustrates how we all must learn in order to continue along life’s road. Goatgardson presents this through the Father, who is trying to learn about his daughter; and through the daughter who is trying to learn about life. His idea is also developed through the extended metaphor that is the rock face.
The goat in this story, Goaty, eventually learns that he must let his goatee go free, so that she might be able to learn and grow as well. Goaty learns through desperation and resentment, from his daughter and his class, that keeping his daughter captive is proving nothing. He suspects she is smoking marijuana and that she might be involved with a guy, but he cannot learn how to deal with it. In the end, he realizes how antagonizing he has been, and gives his girl the slack she needs to continue scaling life as if it were a mountain.
From the daughter, Moira’s, point of view, her father is keeping her from learning or seeing anything in the world. Moira learns how to cope with her father, and admits that she isn’t totally innocent. She realizes that in order for to go where she wishes; she must tell him what she’s doing. It may not be what he wants for her, but it’s her choice and he has to trust her with it. Moira also learns to overcome her resentment for her father by going with him and learning to rock climb. She does it not only because of the guys watching her, but because she knows she has to do it for herself.
The last example of comprehension or new things is in the climbing. When the two climb the rock, it is possible to compare it to life. In the second paragraph the daughter “…let out the golden line of rope that joined them.” The rope then went slack, and Barry went into a depression. Then with strain, he stood up and pondered his next move. This was describing his climb, but it also portrays his relationship with his daughter perfectly. In her younger years, his daughter was close to him. That is the golden rope. When the rope goes slack, it signifies how he became lax and the relationship crumbled. He then goes into a depression and doesn’t know what to do. He had his revelation in the classroom when one of his students intoned the truth of his relationship with his daughter. This makes him stand up, and then he is stuck wondering whether to let his daughter do what she needs to, or keep her with him. The author also calls the cliff deceptive, and describes it as having large, easy to use handholds at the beginning, and then slowly they got smoother, smaller and farther apart. It then says that pride kept him from going back, but in life, desire can not cause one to return things to they way they once were. When the daughter finally decides that she wants to lead, it represents the shift in power: the father is letting go of his only daughter.
All these hidden hints point at one main idea, and that is how things in life do change or grow or learn new things. The father does discover the truth about what he needs to do, the daughter uncovers her true potential and what she is allowed to do, and the rock face teaches the facts in life. We are constantly in motion, like it or not, and it will always stay that way, or considering how we always change, perhaps what we do may shift yet again.
Goat, rooted the
"Rooted the Goat" is a relatively new saying, applicable in a number of situations. It is said to have originated in a small rural town, often referred to as a "hole" in the "middle of no where". The saying has been attributed to a certain, A.E., whose real identity is said to only be known by those who know him. The etymology of Rooted the Goat is hard to discern, but we can only suppose that is some form Idiom that is known only to a select few. The three most well known of its meanings are as follows:
- When someone bungles or screws up a situation - "Well, you really rooted the goat with that one"
- Committing a certain social faux pas, and
- Dying or imminent doom - "Looks like you're going to root the goat, permanently"
The original designer of the saying hoped that "Rooted the Goat", would gain more public appeal by having his co-operative agent place it on a certain wiki based encyclopedia, though at this time we are unable to discern which one. (Please note: the above saying in no way condones or promotes bestiality.)
- Goat Se
- The Pet Goat
- Pneumatic Goat Launcher
- UnBooks:Did you ever lock horns with a goat?
- Goats Liberation Front
- Goat semen