Gloves

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Teh Hands
Master Hand & Crazy Hand.
“Put on your kid gloves, then you learn the lesson that it's cool to be so tough.”
~ Rush on Gloves
“If the gloves don't fit; you must acquit”
~ Johnny Cochran on Bloody Gloves
“If the glove don't fit; you all full of shit”
~ Some Black Guy on Gloves

Gloves fit very nicely on your hand and come in many different varieties. They can be used as weapons in three different ways, as listed below. Most of the time, gloves are made of leather, but sometimes they are made of steel, cardboard, rubber, Styrofoam, plastic, or polyester. Gloves must not be worn on the feet.

History of the Glove

It all started back in the day, when there was a great conjurer. His magical powers were so great nobody in the land could rival him. Until one day! A lowly peasant boy was so cold his hand had actually seized up. Unable to move his fingers the boy the boy thought "My socks keep my feet warm, but my hand have no socks". The boy so cold, took off his socks and put them over his hands. His hands soon became to warm. Once his hand were warmed and now able to move his fingers, he soon realised that though the socks kept his hand warm he could not use his fingers properly. The boy thought again, "I need smaller socks for each finger so I can move them independently". So the boy got to work. When I say got to work, he began stealing babies socks. Once he had accumulated 6 pairs of socks (back in those days people had 6 fingers). He began to sow them together. This is how the first gloves were constructed. Once the boy had constructed his gloves he realised lots of people also suffered from cold hands. He began to try and sell his gloves, but nobody wanted to buy from a mere peasant boy. The boy decided that he needed someone famous to wear his gloves, who was more famous the the mighty conjurer. After many months the boy tracked down the conjurer and with much disdain the conjurer decided to sell the "Socks for your hand" (that's what they were originally called). As time went on the conjurer realised that he could hide objects in these socks for your hands, and so opened up more possibilities for conjuring. One morning the boy was talking to the conjurer and had something to show him. It was a pair of white socks for your hands, but these where not as crude and poorly made as previous. The boy had learned the art of a seamer. Now the boy could make these socks the exact shapes of hands and use the same colour fabric. These socks for your hands where so plush and well made, they had to give them a proper name. They decided to call them gloves, though they were never sure why, I like to think they just liked the sound of it. With these white gloves the conjurers every hand gesture was captivating. He realised that not only did they now have a fabulous product for your hands he could do shows and earn money for performing tricks. This is how gloves and street magic where born.

Origins

The Glove was originally created in 1835 by a certain Mr Glove of London. Mr Glove was a butcher by trade, he inveted the "glove" as a unique way for his customers to transport sausages. It was on one fateful morning that Mr Glove while packing some sausages into his ingenious invention was unfortunate enough to get his hand stuck in a "glove", and the legacy was born.

Gloves as weapons

Alone

Gloves can be used alone as weapons themselves. Usually, they're placed over the hand during this act and used to strike the opponent's face, nose, jaw, or balls. The most well-known methods of using gloves as weapons are:

  • By punching. This is usually efficient, and human knuckles are strong enough to show your opponent that you mean business. The family favorite.
  • By slapping. Be aware, though, some people may mistake this for a sick fetish. If they don't just shut the fuck up after you slap them, following it up with a nice, swift punch will work well.
    • Often, the glove is removed and the person is slapped in the face with the glove. This usually leads to a big gun fight, which is stupid because it barely even tickles.
  • By poking: Generally aimed at the eye. The target is blinded.
  • If properly starched, may be utilized as a stabbing weapon.

In conjunction with other weapons

Many times, people wear gloves to help increase their grip. It sucks dropping a sword on your foot, let me tell you.

These weapons are often used in conjunction with gloves:

  • Swords
  • Axes
  • Lances
  • Bows
  • Guns
  • Python Boots
  • Grenades
  • Jade Goodey
  • Almost any other weapon ever made

Kinds of gloves

  • Leather Gloves: The standard, used by fighter-people.
  • Rubber Gloves: These cannot be harmed by acid and are often used while journeying through some sort of weird cave dripping with acid and other nasty stuff. However, they can't grip for shit.
  • Kid Gloves: Made of 100% real dead children. Super-effective against children. Kids wear these because they think they're cool, but they just look like retards.
  • Boxing Gloves: Worn often by people who move boxes and by kangaroos. Breaks noses very easily.
  • Opera Gloves: Ugly white gloves that go all the way up to the elbow. Good if you like to elbow-check people, but why call them OPERA gloves? Have you ever seen anyone get elbow-checked at an opera?
  • Plastic-Coated Gloves: Covered in plastic to protect it from the elements, and to add increased durability. Common in paper gloves and playing-card gloves.
  • Bloody Gloves - Always buy a pair a size too small so you can pay Johnny Cochran $10 million to say "If the gloves don't fit; then you must acquit".
  • Latex gloves: used mostly for anal cavity searches

Historical figures associated with gloves

  • Strong Bad
  • Oscar Wilde
  • His High Priesthood and Lordship Charles Darwin XXX, Ph.D., M.D. D.D.S.
  • George Orwell
  • Danny Glover
  • O.J. Simpson
  • Michael Jackson


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