Global warming

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

You may be looking for Scientology and not even know it!

“We can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius.”

~ George Bush on Global warming

“I didn't invent Global Warming, Ooh! Piece of candy! ”

~ Al Gore on Global warming

“Global warming is a myth”

~ Bart Simpson on Global warmth

“Don't you mean global hottening? Gimme five!”

~ TheTodd on Global Warming

“I am getting so hot I wanna take my clothes off!”

~ Nelly on Global Warming

Global warming, also known as "Monkey Love" or: International House Warming, is a theology allegedly created by Cali Lewis. It states that unless humans return to a life balanced with nature (i.e. living in caves), the polar ice caps will melt and life as it's known today will cease to exist in the biblical flood of 1985. This theory has been popularized by a large group of celebrities, scientists, Fox newscasters, anyone who watches the view, and wholly honest politicians mostly consisting of Al Gore the first - and also individuals with a great list of accomplishments from the invention of the Internet to saving humanity from the ozone hole. Despite tremendous support from liberal crackpots, Hollywood communists scientist and prophet Gore right wingers continue to insist the entire theory is nothing more than a scam created by people with political agendas, and corporations with financial agendas. Although most of the so called believers are left wing potheads many right wingers, after realizing the profit potential have joined the crusade to stop Global Warming in the hopes of raising enough campaign money for Shara Palin in 2012, though they still maintain the Earth is a flat disc in the middle of the universe. Today Global Warming is accepted as a scientific fact because Progressive Era propagandists such as John Dewey used infiltration techniques to corrupt the American schools turning them into individual liberal think tanks.

Contents 1 Main cause 2 Evidence of Global Warming 3 Global Warming Season 4 History of Global Warming 5 Politics of Global Warming 6 Recent Developments 7 Oxygen: A primary suspect? 8 Knights of the Order of Global Warming 9 Global Warming: the Video Game 10 Global Warming Activists 11 Other Theories 11.1 Global warming, God's Greatest screw up so far 11.2 Large fuel emissions are fixing the problem of large fuel emissions 11.3 Daylight savings time theory 11.4 Get rid off the Dutchmen theory 12 Ski business soon to go bust 13 Global warming as food 14 Hippies 15 See also

[edit] Main cause

The main cause of Global Warming is said to be emissions of the well known, highly poisonous and destructive gas Carbon Dioxide (Molecular formula C666SmL) which is emitted largely by planes, everyone with a computer (you should all be ashamed) trains, automobiles, trucks with the peeing Calvin sticker, volcanoes, nuclear power plants, beans (the musical fruit), the entire transient population of Transanistria, California forest fires (the ones caused by teens building bonfires during the dry, windy seasons), fat people farting too much after eating Burger King (mostly Americans) drunken hippies singing at anti-capitalist rallies, the latter of which accounts for at least 69.411% of all emissions and God himself (after getting bored one day and decidding the apocalypse wasn't coming fast enough). Currently most countries accept Global Warming as a threat to life and are working to actively solve the crisis the only exception to this is the president of Czechoslovakia and Hitler worshiper Vaclav Klaus who claims Global Warming is a Giant Octopus with unicorn breasts and has created a carbon emissions program with the goal of doubling the current carbon levels by 2230. This as would be expected has angered Al Gore who has since called for Klaus' head burnt on a silver platter so he can eat all that carbon. While individuals such as Klaus continue to deny the existence of Global Warming and work to make the problem worse, others such as the Chinese are working hard to curb the problem by increasing the number of coal plants and feeding babies lead tainted milk. While other nations such as the E.U., Britain, Mexico and Papua New Guinea have raised gas taxes in an effort to reduce demand and emissions. But the most ambitious effort has been undertaken by the USSR who have vowed to bomb the shit out of countries with non-soviet owned pipelines, an ambitious plan praised by many such a USSA house speaker Nancy and Al Gore who commented “The Russians are setting a good example with their use of carbon neutral bombs...now give me a hummer.as well global warming is gay that is politically incorrect. ”

[edit] Evidence of Global Warming

Global warming has largely been caused by the farts of Dick Cheney. While a normal fart contains only a trace of methane, (which is a powerful greenhouse gas) Dick Cheney's farts are almost 100% methane. Power companies from USA are already trying to tap in this inexhaustible source of methane. But Cheney is firmly holding onto the gas, to run his private jets.

Global Warming is bad for the environment, meaning it must be our fault, Obey. It's a well known fact that our factories have the ability to pump several times more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere than currently exists on the planet. A simple solution is to ban all fire-after all, what has fire ever done for us?

Breathing, much like eating and drinking, has been shown to increase CO2 emissions. Most experts agree that being taxed for the air we breathe is a legitimate way to reduce global warming, very intelligent. All animals that breathe will also be taxed. Those who cannot pay will be charged three appendages for every violation.

Existing is commonly cited as the most influential cause of global warming. Fortunately, eco-friendly groups such as Al Qaeda and Al Gore help cut down on existing, and existence is predicted to reach an all-time low by 2012.

The fact is, global warming is a form of science. It has the support of at least a small number of scientists. Scientists corporate owners. Only anti-scientific extremists oppose it. "Hoof Hearted."

[edit] Global Warming Season

With the announcement of Penguins being an endangered species stricter hunting laws have been placed on them. This, however does not do much so a new step was taken: Global Warming Season.

It is now legal (and encouraged) to hunt global warming. See some warm air? Shoot it. Found some aerosol? Shoot it. See someone driving a hummer? Blow up the hummer. Do your part today to fight global warming and save the polar bears.

[edit] History of Global Warming

One summer day scientists were studying the expansion of mercury in a thermometer due to an increase in temperature. As they watched the mercury expand to the upper part of the thermometer they came to one realization: the earth was getting hotter! This yearly crisis that has previously gone entirely unnoticed was now sparking questions like "How do we stop this?". Billions of dollars were spent in research showing that cars and jets were a primary cause of the strange global climate. The researchers all backed one man to rally people against all the causes of this global emergency his name is Al Gore. He made the crisis of global warming known to the world by flying to various locations in his private jet and large SUV's and making speeches. Later, it was discovered that the primary cause of global warming was in fact Al Gore. His jets and and SUV's (which are ALWAYS running) The scientists did not want to admit that the man that they had relied on for so long had really been unknowingly against them. So they just continued to support him regardless of how he made fools of them and himself. After some time thermometers began to show lower temperatures. This meant one thing: THE EARTH WAS GETTING COLDER! Global cooling was a major issue for a few months and then summer came again and the worry was once again: Global warming. The worry went back and forth making one cycle each year until it was realized that there was not just global Warming and global cooling, there was something much greater...... it was a Global climate Crisis!

[edit] Politics of Global Warming

The science of global warming is only a political issue in the United States of America. This is clearly because the United States is far more intelligent than every other nation in the world. Luckily, we have very generous oil and coal corporations who are willing to commit billions to convincing scientists the error of their ways. Surely these shining examples of humanity are the reason that our species has made it this far. Thank you Exxon-Mobile. Your selfless act of investing in specialized scientific research to maintain the likelihood of continued increased profit margins as the expense of the survivability of future generations is one the most humanitarian things I've ever seen.

You fucks.

You see, Republicans retards Real Americans redneck pieces of shit conservatives don't like to be told anything that makes them do anything different than drink beer, shoot things, drink more beer, and drive giant SUVs with only one person and limited cargo through the front window of their local liquor venue to get more beer. This is because, sharing a common ancestor with apes being made by Jesus, they are all knuckle dragging fucktards incaple of change they are perfect and never have to change. Besides, the oil companies will protect us from any harm. Oil companies have never done anything wrong, ever.

[edit] Recent Developments

The active hurricane season of 2005 has been cited by radical communists as confirmation of global warming. Conservatives have fought back, though, citing the fact that 2006 had one less hurricane than 2005, therefore everything scientists have ever said is automatically false. In The Ward Ice Shelf incident, a huge-ass piece of ice the size of Maryland broke off Antarctica. But who cares? Not only did it make bigger waves for beaches, it created a whole new island to build some cool condos on!. Cool! Global warming will make beaches have better business! Plus, the incident was proven to have occurred in one of two ways; either it was broken up because of a terrorist attack, because terrorists love attacking natural objects like ice-shelves, rocks and sticks, or the satellite image taken by scientists was doctored and no break up actually occurred, and the subsequent rising in sea level was just pretend. While most people ignore these recent developments, a few agree that global warming is in fact true, but they do not think we should do anything about it because Barack Obama is president anyways, and the world will soon be destroyed in Socialist Armageddon. This is certainly true. After all, look how mucked up the world is! The only possible explanation for all the increases in hurricanes, droughts, and wildfires, not to mention the rise in temperature, is that Obama is coming! I can't think of any other explanation for the mucked-up climate, other than that my Chevy Truck obviously melted the last two ice ages...oh, whoops, there were no automobiles back then, and nations hadn't industrialized yet, but evil capitalist polluters from the future must have went back into the past and drove cars around and set up factories with smoke stacks, waited until the ice ages melted, and disassembled the factories and went back to the future. oh, but guilty dumbos and scientists (AL GORE!?) says it does exist, But scientists have not been wrong before of course, accept in 1895 when they said there was global warming, but then in 1920 they said there was global cooling, but then in 1935 they said there was global warming, but then in 1975 they said there was global cooling, but now they say its global warming... but this time they are right, I just know it. It couldn't have been natural cycles of the planet. That can't be the reason!!! Al Gore and the IPCC (International Propaganda against Capitalist Countries) says so!!!

[edit] Oxygen: A primary suspect?

Some "scientists" and plain morons accuse oxygen of being the main cause of Global Warming. The main argument is that if there was no oxygen, the human race wouldn't exist, and henceforth the process of global warming would not exist. This has sparked a movement among a minority of scientists to decrease the oxygen levels in the earth's atmosphere to the point when humans can no longer live, killing off all humans and ending the process. Commentators have noted the possibility that a spelling mistake in the UN is responsible and that the answer was simply "I'm going outside for some fresh air". because, of course, if the oxygen wasn’t here we would have lived way longer, wouldn’t we? Noob scientist Joe Dorris has his own opinion about global warming. He says, "Oxygen should be outlawed everywhere in the world, ALLRIGHT!"

==Ways to Stop Global Warming==[[mo

According to new studies by UN Scientists politicians & corporate owners, you can beat your meat to tackle climate change. Other things that may help include:

1. Pay the air taxes & obey Obama
2. Rape your Cousin who drives
3. Catch ManBearPig, dead or alive, and take him to Al Gore, aka Moron, preferable alive.
4. Become a somali pirate.
5. Everyone in desert states turn on your A/C units with the doors open
6. Spray one can of aerosol spray into the air everyday. Make sure it's NOT CFC free!
7. Don't use regular weed killer, use DDT
8. Have a tyre fire blazing at all times on your property.
9. Heat your house with electric heaters. There is no pollution, is there?
10. Buy an SUV, and never turn the engine off. Trips taken when the engine is hot take less fuel than if the engine is cold.
11. Save Seals
12. Desert civilization and start living off the land again (This means no computers okay?)
13. Don't vandalize this page
14. Don't vote Republican(global warming disappears when democrats win!)
15. Vote Communism
16. Burn down your neighborhood
17. Assassinate Al Gore, ironically by replacing his Nobel Prize with a stick of Dynamite (invented by Alfred Nobel).
18. Become paranoid
19. Call it something else, oh no hang on, they've already renamed it 'Climate Change'.
20. Enter a 'Warm Age'
21. Cuddle with your loved ones in cow dung
22. Make a left-wing documentary. Surely this will fix it!
23. Sign a Petition to delete the word "Global Warming" from the dictionary
24. Ban the organizing of conferences involving thousands of global warming believers flying (usually at public expense) to exotic locations to discuss how to stop global warming by stopping people flying, and driving, and well, everything really.
25. Burn down the sun.
26. Deny that Global Cooling was the theory before Global Warming by burning every copy of Newsweek that reported Global Cooling.
27. Take Al Gore's advice and buy an iPod or Mac because he personally approves of all Apple technology to be green and helps fight global warming.
    

    

    Ice sheets are starting to melt. Santa Claus is not pleased.
28. Find some way of raising the Global Sea Level. This in turn will flood low lying industrial areas, eliminating their wasteful factories and populaces.
29. Sort out every Liberal/global warmist/tree-hugger through a complex, and highly accurate battery of tests. Then, build a large wall around California, and pile all of them in it. Dig it free, and float it out to sea. Then never mention Global Warming again.
30. Buy a Boeing 747 and fly it everywhere. Even the corner shop. (Just don’t go to Iraq)
31. Go to Windows task manager, click Globalwarming.exe and click End Process.
32. Eat more McDonald's
33. Take the coat off the Earth's surface.
34. Kill Michael Jackson or Tom Cruise , or both.
35. Let the Cubs win the World Series.
36. Just don't bother about it.
37. Drop a giant ice-cube into the sea.
    

    

    North Koreans have done their part and reduced their carbon footprint, as seen here.
38. Stick a cork in every cow's anus.
39. Open the cold water tap, and never close it.
40. Fill a bottle with water before you throw it away. This will prevent sea-level rise.
41. Never close the refrigerator door.
42. Stick a penny in the large hadrons collier and turn it on
43. Blare Britney Spears' music as much as possible to freeze Congressional spending.
44. Burn as much plastic as you can.
45. Go to IceMatch.com, and don’t worry, if you don’t find ice in 6 months, they'll give you Michael Jackson completely free!
46. Eat shit.
47. Do as George Bush advised us & switch to Celsius. All temperatures are lower in Celsius. Suddenly, 98 degrees is now 37 degrees, sorted!
48. Leave all the lights in your house on at all times.
49. Let Leicester City Football Club win the league.
50. Definitely don't figure out a way to pump CO2 out of the atmosphere. It's far more efficient to go back to the stone age.
51. Move to Mars
52. Kill yourself in the name of science
53. DO NOT SUBMIT COPYRIGHTED WORK WITHOUT PERMISSION!
54. SUBMIT COPYRIGHTED WORK WITH YOUR BROTHER'S PERMISSION!
55. Dont drink soda or anything
56. Don't drop the chalupa
57. back to work
58. KillAl Gore. When the ringleader is gone.....so is the religion!
59. Touch my PINGAS.
60. Cut down tree's. burn rubber. and kill penguins.

[edit] Knights of the Order of Global Warming

In recent months, the debate over global warming has spawned a new breed of fanatics. These fanatics have no friends. Led by Grand Wizard Al Gore and based along side the Knights Templar, the KOGW have become increasingly violent in their attempts to quell any further debate about or questioning of global warming.

From its inception, the KOGW has been violently combative of dissenting points of view. This steadfast doctrine first boiled into open combat on May 22, 1997, when a company of KGOW engaged, defeated and then massacred large force of Teutons and Republicans at the Battle of Waterloo. Several battalions of Doubters quickly poured into the field but were equally routed and crushed by the courageous leadership of Grand Wizard Gore. With more and more followers flocking to his standard, the KGOW expanded its operations and forced the surrender of Brussels.

Though it may never be proven, it is widely believed that Grand Wizard Gore personally authorized the creation of death squads to weed out all who doubted the validity of An Inconvenient Truth. Within a year more than one hundred thousand were maimed, ten thousand lay dead and several hundred lay asleep in bed.

[edit] Global Warming: the Video Game

Inspired by the incredible indifference to global warming among the general public, Electronic Arts has created a game based on Global Warming called Global Warming: the Video Game. The game is an extreme challenge. The basic goal of the game is to continue emitting carbon dioxide into the atmosphere for as long as possible while simultaneously looking for any possible way to deny the existence of global warming. You play the part of the leader of a country, and you get to design the layout of the country, building as many coal power plants and gas-guzzling cars as possible in order to boost your own economy. Also, you must manage the people of your country by doing everything you can to suppress and discredit scientists who say global warming exists, from paying them to say it doesn't exist, to blindly labeling them as "hippies" and "treehuggers." The game is extremely difficult, especially as time passes and many of the people begin to see that global warming really is a major issue. As leader in the game, your choices are as follows: continue to ignore the problem and keep pumping carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, or accept that it is a problem and try to solve it before it is too late. Most people hated the game when it was released, because there is no way to win: if you accept that global warming is a problem in the game, then you get discredited and ultimately condemned for trying to suppress it when you knew that it was actually a genuine threat, and if you don't accept that it's a problem, and continue to pollute the atmosphere, your house gets submerged under 50 feet of water and your country collapses into a raging pool of anger, anarchy and despair. After the release of Global Warming: the Video Game, EA Games released two more "climate crisis" games, one based on Global Cooling and the other based on Global Boring.

[edit] Global Warming Activists

• Jimmy Carter
• Tyra Banks
• Paris Hilton (DUH! She is such an avid global warming activist!)
• Al Gore

• Stephen Harper
• Michael Jackson
• Elizabeth May
• Michael Moore
• Ralph Nader
• David Suzuki
• Ann Coulter
• Adolf Hitler
• Margaret Thatcher (She started it)
• Wikipedia Global Warming Zealots

[edit] Other Theories

[edit] Global warming, God's Greatest screw up so far

So, certainly you have noticed the sudden changes in weather patterns as of late, if you have not, you will certainly have been told by people who are much cleverer than you that you have. Well, Most people have, except for n00bs, goths, and George Bush. Either way, unlike Al Gore claims, Global Warming is NOT caused by lax pollution regulations and the Chinese, and unlike Walt Disney's severed head claims, is not caused by the jews and or Gypsies. The truth is, Global Warming was brought upon by...CHRIST. Jesus was hanging out with Black Jesus (Obama) and smoking a toke at the time when he noticed that the thermostat was a little low. Apparently, after the ice age, it hadn't been turned all the way up. So, completely oblivious to the fact that humans had become quite accustomed to not dying from heat stroke, Jesus turned up the heat.

In recent interviews with Jesus on this fatal blunder Jesus had this to say:

"If I can just borrow a phrase from a close friend of mine, 'if you can't take the heat, get the fuck out of hell.[

Investigation into why the thermostat was not turned back down had God saying

"I never really liked humanity anyway""

~ quote

Sidenote- Jesus recently checked into rehab for heroin abuse. According to Jesus, marijuana was a "gate-way drug"

[edit] Large fuel emissions are fixing the problem of large fuel emissions

We, quite obviously, have a problem with large fuel emissions; there is no dispute about that (but if you are going to dispute that: nobody cares about your opinion). We have cars everywhere zooming around and spewing out gas. So we need to find a way to get rid of the cars. What immediately comes to mind is Venice, Italy. They NEVER use cars. Ever. And why don’t they use cars? Water. Lots and lots of water everywhere you look. So we need to follow their example and fill our streets with water.

This raises the question of where we are going to obtain these large volumes of water. Scientists have found a solution to that, as well. Sea voyagers and explorers have discovered, on both poles of the earth, large quantities of frozen water. Its just sitting there and not being put to use. So, we need to find a way to melt these so called “Caps of polar ice” or “Ice-y polar caps”.

The perfect way to melt these massive ice islands is to burn as much fossil fuel as possible, so as to increase the temperature of the globe. This will raise the height of the ocean, and, consequently, fill the streets of coastal cities worldwide, with liberating, problem-solving and 100% natural water. Once the streets are filled with water, they’ll be just like Venice; no carbon emissions. They can get around in boats. And there, the problem is solved. No more global warming!

[edit] Daylight savings time theory

Global warming is the government's fault for adding an extra hour on to the day during daylight savings time. This extra hour means there will be an extra hour of sunlight every day for six months a year. The extra sunlight added by the government causes the planet to heat up and destroy the environment. The earth will eventually burn if this continues.

[edit] Get rid off the Dutchmen theory

Everyone knows God made the world and the Dutch made Dutchland. They're so proud of themselves. Look, we got the ocean out of our country! No one likes those arrogant bastards. So the whole world thought up the Drowning Dutchmen Conspiracy. The North Pole will melt, Dutchland will be flooded and the world will finally be free of wooden shoes, windmills and the boy with his finger in the dyke. O_o

[edit] Ski business soon to go bust

Record snow at ski areas in North America and Europe over the last few years, has often been cited as evidence that many ski areas are soon to go out of business due to global warming.

[edit] Global warming as food

Global warming, the climate change THEORY, is not to be confused with global warming, the latest new food craze among the middle classes in large urban centres. Considered the height of fashion, this hot dish has been around for many, many, years, but only now is benefiting from a resurgence in popularity. As a result of its strong association with gas accumulation, it is best enjoyed by heartily patting one's dinner guests on the back - in what could be likened to a self-serving congratulatory manner. Dissident social activists suggest a link between the popularity of global warming, and a sharp increase in pleasuring one's self in public, although attempts to link this to disturbances in the ecosystem have so far proved fruitless. The dish is best eaten with a sharpened spork.

[edit] Hippies

If they stopped smoking weed (That makes CO2 as well fellas so you're NOT HELPING) and started thinking of realistic ways to stop Doomsday then we could all be a bit happier. Hmm, I guess using the weed, they've already got that one figured out. only problem with hippies is that they never share their weed. If they had let other people also have a smoke, those people would understand why they are doing it, it rocks. but of course the cops have to impound all the weed and smoke it in the weekend, so they have all the fun and not us. So hippies, LET US HAVE SOME.

[edit] See also

• A Group to increase carbon footprint on facebook!Ways of global warming!!!!
• What the fuck are these guys thinking?
• Global Panic
• Wind generators
• Liberal
• Democrat
• Santa Claus (reason being: his lawn, igloo, toy shop, etc., are melting)
• Ice cream (the real reason)
• Biofuel
• Bullshit
• Scientology