Glenrothes

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Not to be confused with a popular Speyside malt whisky near Keith, Glenrothes (pronounced "Glen-Rotten" or "Glenfeckinrothes" by those native Fifers who live North of New Inn roundabout) is a New Town in Fife, Scotland which sprung up in the 50's, 60's and 70's around a bus-station placed there by the residents of nearby Markinch back in the middle ages, although extensively remodelled in the 90's after that poisioned gnome Tony Baldrick and the rest of the social misfits from time team excavated it finding a rift in time and space that transported them back to the 80's where their haircuts remained forever even after they returned to the present. It will be celebrating a birthday this year although nobody is quite sure how old it is and whether there will be a large enough cake available.

The town was recently voted Scotlands ugliest. This led to a battle between Glenrothes, Cumbernauld and Paisley at the fiery rim of Mount Doom to see who was the ultimate shit town. The triple threat ended in a draw.

Founding

Founded by a Leslie man (Markinch claim it was one of their sons but it was probably just some quality cunt from Cadham) who got off one stop too early and didn't have the right change for the rest of the journey, it's mainly famous for the number of roundabouts placed on it's roads. Glenrothes is entirely navigable in a car without dropping below 30mph. In fact, the local council recommends that visitors don't drop below 10mph whilst travelling through the town as the local ned population is evolving methods of abusing slow moving traffic ever since the OAPs in the town were given compulsory Ju-Jitsu training as a method of tackling ned buckfast attacks whilst riding their mobility scooters.

Alongside the roundabouts, Glenrothes has recently seen an upsurge in the number of speed-bumps in areas with high ned concentrations. These are a deliberate attempt by Fife council to feed the neds using tourists and it's worthwhile avoiding these areas by contacting the new information desk in the Kingdom Centre for a "ned-map" prior to your visit.

There is a common belief in Glenrothes that the Roundabouts are actually living entities and in some cases have been breeding as all of a sudden and overnight a former T-Junction is replaced by a juvenile roundabout known as a "mini". The population is increasing and come 2013 Glenrothes will have reached roundabout saturation and will be forced to infest the rest of Fife; some have already reached North Kirkcaldy. Roundabouts although fairly benign - with the exception of Bankhead Roundabout (which is a malignant cunt during rush hour) in Glenrothes - will one day be a worldwide phenomeon!

Other Landmarks

Glenrothes is also home to the "Rothes Halls" pronounced "Rotten Halls", a venue which marks the beginning of the downward career curve of many a musical artist, and which incorporates an award winning bar (that award being the "Worst run venue bar ever" award). Masters of planning, they will typically run out of beer before a gig even starts, quickly move to pouring warm bottles of becks into plastic pint glasses and charging £3 each for them, before moving to stage 3 of their unique strategy of closing the bar half way through the event. Be sure to check set lists prior to the events and choose at least 50% of the songs you don't like as much as the rest - you'll use that time queuing at the bar.

Glenrothes has two wonderful and well used suicide spots. The first is the one and only phallic shaped tower block - Raeburn Heights - where early risers walking in the area are often splattered with arterial spray and other human debris as many a waster discovers that life in Glenrothes is entirely pointless, that the town has less services than a small hamlet like Cupar and that the town artist in the 60's and 70's took way too much LSD and decides to throw him/herself to the impending doom that clouds over Glenrothes that little bit early becoming fresh strawberry jam on the tarmac below.

The second spot is the New Bridge that carries the B969 western distibutor road over the "Valley of the Superned". The steep sides of the valley are kept Ned-free by Fife Council (so still carry a Tazer, just in case) and provide ideal viewing points to watch suicidal dumbasses throw themselves to either a death in the rocky River Leven or landing on the grass cheating death but only to be eaten slowly alive by Superneds. There is also a chance of seeing one of the local heroin dealers being thrown to his or her deaths by the local hardmen.

Glenrothes also holds the Euoropean Title for "Greatest amount of dog turds on any given mile stretch of public pavements"

The Valley of the Superned

The "Valley of the Superned" is the steep-sided Glen of the River Leven that flows from west to east right through the town. It is inhabited by over 200 diefferent species of tree but the most wooden thing about it are the several hundred Superneds that reside there. The Superned is basically a ned crossed with an orc that has succumbed to a zombie like virus that makes them crave flesh as well as buckfast. Fife Council does its best to keep the Superned colony contained within the Glen although they do once a fortnight escape and try to terrorise the Job Centre trying to sign on the dole, the riot police and the T.A. can usually return them to the valley by laying a trail of buckfast and cider which they readily follow. Fife Council recently offered permits to local hunters to allow culling of these Superneds in the run up to christmas each year to stop them coming to the town centre and trying to eat normal people going about there normal business. there are four places you are allowed to shoot at them from.

1. The top of the hill at the back of Lidl's - although this is the most popular site. 2. The A911 Bridge. 3. The B969 Bridge. 4. The Leslie Viaduct.

Local Scum Gangs

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Glenrothes.

These are unfortunate gatherings of the ned and usually arranged by residence. "The G.C.C/Glamis Center Casuals" , "Rimbleton Youth Team" and "Caskie Crew" are a few examples of their idiocy. For further information consult Bebo.com. or read brief descriptions below:

The G.C.C

Definatley the top team in the town with a long history of teams passing through the ranks,annoying little cunts who excel at keeping the other scum gangs (particularly the a-team/toonies) in check, arson, raiding building sites, throwing one another into Stenton pond and generally drinking cider and buckfast. Can be found in large packs under the bridge or round the back o the pub standing in a vast carpet of they're own spit, its thought this ritual is carried out to mark they're territory, they can be tamed and neutered easily with a baseball and claw hammer combined. They make great pets once neutered.

Rimbleton Young Team

The closest Glenrothes has to a wedgie ned, smokes cheap cannabis resin mixed with plastic and brick dust, drinks buckfast, cider and other team members urine. Easily spotted wearing kappa shellsuits with the bottoms tucked into football socks, Burberry cap positioned at an impossible angle on their deformed skulls and have a vacant, glakit look. The females use orange foundation on their faces to attract the males.

Macedonia Young Team

Much the same as Rimbleton Young Team but with no knowledge of soap or how to use it. Easy to con by saying you'll go into the bottle shop at Glenwood to buy them drink - you'll easily pocket £70 in pound coins and all you have to do after taking their money is go into the bottle shop and ask the assistant to let you out the back door and go into the Newbridge Tavern as they are not bright enough to search for you there, this can and has been done on two occasions by the same person.

Caskie Crew

Basic IQ, not high enough to operate any machinery more sophisticated than a child-size quad bike. All you have to do with the Caskie crew is hit the mouthy one as this is a tribal signal for the rest of them to run and hide. This crew is as hard as a new-born's first shite.

The Toonies

The most poverty striken of all the ned crews, they do not even have shellsuit tops and bottoms that match and often wear two different trainers that have been nicked from some other poor ned, known as Junkie's in training and will generally rob anything that is not nailed down although recently they have evolved and can steal the nailed down stuff as well using a stolen claw hammer. They lack any direction in life and cannot even afford Buckfast and have to resort to choring cheap rancid lager, cider and mouthwash from Lidl's to get wasted on. They are also known to shag their own sisters who let them do it willingly.

The Young Cadham Crew

The YCC is made up of people from Cadham, Balfarg, Pitcoudie and the odd nomad from other areas. The YCC are the easiest going of the crews but driven to thuggery by the deprivation brought on by the notorious cadham shops. This ned crew are mainly made up of week day ganja smokers / weekend buckfast drinkers. They hang around cadham shops and up "the tenny courts / The Dubley". They are mostly harmless but to cause offense to one cadham ned is to cause offense to the whole crew who'll procede to attack with fists, heads, feet and knees. They are the least likely to use weapons but the most likely to attack in packs.

The Weird and Wonderous World of Glenrothes Bus Station

The town is filled with some rather strange individuals, most of which can be found wandering around the local bus station. These include:

  • "Scary Mary" aka "Mad Moira"- A large squat woman who ambushes students when they are least expecting it. She will demand to know everything about you/your school including things you will have forgotten like what colour group were you in in primary three. Will also mentally maul anyone who is unfortunate enough to be seated near her.(The trick is to ask a question in return although few people are aware of this)
  • The Homeless-Looking Man- A popular conspiracy is that he resides in the woodland of the town.
  • "Wart Woman"- As scary as it sounds: an old lady completely covered in warts.
  • "Shug the Drug" - Hairy, unkempt and covered in dog hair, usually mumbling about "Big issue". His eyes are perpetually rolling from the permanent smack gouch he has going on. Always accompanied by a skinny mongrel who is much better behaved that its master even though it often licks its own genitals just outside the bus station. big fan of the two guys who would sit and play guitar at the marble benches...he is still waiting on his free cd.
  • "80's Woman" - On an actual bus, (a rarity due to confusing timetables and drunken drivers) you may be lucky enough to witness this female who may or may not be connected with Doctor Who. It is presumed someone in '89 told her Max Headroom inspired hairstyles and shoulder pads would never go out of style. Note: "She" may be a man. Nobody cares enough to ask.
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