GlaxoSmithKline

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GlaxoSmithKline is an incorporated pharmaceutical, biologicals, and healthcare company. Founded in 1968, it is one of the most successful of the Evil Global Megacorporations, and is the second largest seller of pharmaceuticals in the world, after Pfizer. The company recorded sales for 2005 of £21.66 billion, of which £18.6 billion (86%) was from the sales of pharmaceuticals. Some of the company's most successful products include:

  • Adravil - An over the counter analgesic, designed for the treatment of common, household illness. Comes in raspberry, mango, and barbeque flavours.
  • Safsprin - A placebo. Sold in third-world countries with the slogan "Healthy Babies Need Safsprin If They're Not Going to Die.", GlaxoSmithKline has come under criticism from the WHO, for allegedly implying that healthy babies would die if they didn't take Safsprin.
  • Uspirim - Sold in both a gel and a lollipop form, this morphine-based painkiller is advertised to mothers for use with children experiencing teething pain.
  • Aqua Cure - A spray-on ointment, used for the treatment of open wounds and cold-sores, this is probably GalxoSmithKline's most profitable product, accounting for sales of £3,003 million. Due to mainly being confined to professional use, and its lack of advertising, many Americans do not know how to pronounce its name.
  • Valiafin - A suppository, sold with the tagline "Stick It Up Your Arse."
  • LaPaz - Used in the treatment of shell-shock and diabetes.
  • Gaximore - An anticoagulant, used by human-sacrifice cults for increased ritual efficiency.
  • Butrimotragen - Rat poison.
  • Paxman - Heals sick. Raises dead.
  • Paxil - Antidepressent, used to prevent suicides. Now the #1 cause of suicide. Also causes birth defects, which probably causes mothers to commit suicide out of guilt.
  • Defenestrogine - Anticonvulsant. Household cleaner.

The company also owns subsidiaries, specialising in the manufacture and marketing of various other products, including soft-drinks, sportswear, oilcloth, firearms, biological weapons, military technology, and pokemon cards.

GlaxoSmithKline maintains a small, private, paramilitary army, in order to help protect the patents of its drug formulations and in case of a massive bioweapon disaster/zombie holocaust, help lock down cities and act as zombie fodder.

History

GlaxoSmithKline was founded by Lord Ozwell E. Glaxo, a man descended from Charles Martel, in the 1960s. Along with his collegues, Dr. James Smith-Marcus and Sir Edward Ashford-Kline, Glaxo created the company in order to exploit the potential commercial uses of their newly-discovered drug, paroxetine hydrochloride, as well as to fund further research.

After Ashford-Kline's death during childbirth, Glaxo was able to sideline Smith-Marcus at the company's research facilities in Nutbush City, allowing him to establish an effective control over the company. In order to consolidate his position, Glaxo eventually ordered the assassination of Smith-Marcus by two of his researchers, William Birkin and Jean-Pierre Garnier.

In 1996 Smith-Marcus's ghost joined a group of animal rights campaigners. The Animal Liberation Front, or ALF, promised to help Smith-Marcus gain his revenge on GlaxoSmithKline, if he, in turn, would agree to help them in their mission to liberate animals through the mediums of arson and hate mail. Going one better, Smith-Marcus contaminated the company's water supply with the drug Paxil, rendering all of the company's employees either undead, depressed, or both.

The ensuing chaos allowed the now CEO of GlaxoSmithKline, Jean-Pierre Garnier to re-enter the Glaxo mansion with a crack-team of pharmacologists, ostensibly to investigate reported disturbances, but in reality to gather data on the combat effectiveness of the results of the Paxil poisoning. This team included, but was not restricted to: Chris Redfield, Nicki Clarke, Donatella Versace, Lawrence Llwellyn-Bowen and Jean-Paul Gaultier.

After Garnier's true agenda was revealed, Mr T strapped that fool to an a-bomb and nuked his arse to kingdom come, before escaping with the rest of his team on a customised scooter.

Fortunately, none of these events affected the company's share price.

SmithKline Beechum-Clinical Diagnostic Laboratory

SmithKline Beechum Clinical Laboratories (SBCL) was caught by the United States Federal Government in Medicare Medicaid fraud. This involved Medical technologists and lab work. SBCL is now named Quest Diagnositcs. This scandal was referred to as Labscam.[1]

Notes

  1. LabScam retrieved on August 26, 2007
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