Glasgow Caledonian University
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Glasgow Caledonian University|
|Motto||Just do this and then you'll be done|
|Established||1875 or 1992|
|School type||Commercial trust of stooges|
|Location||Townhead, Glasgow, Scotland|
|Enrollment||(number of students)*103,419|
(number of graduates)*59,356
“Scotland's finest University, in my opinion.”
Glasgow Caledonian University, or “The Ghetto” as it’s known by the friendly inhabitants of the Townhead. The University, officially founded in 1992 has endeavored to cast of its roots and enter the 21st century in style with vast investment in gimmicky staff, reducing funding for supplies like self issue machines in the library and massive allocation for product placement throughout the campus. It also allows inferior Universities to outsource their problems on the campus, such as lack of faculties at Strathclyde or second rate students from Glasgow University
The entry requirements are subject to course. Glasgow Caledonian University is at the worlds forefront in research, particularly that of Health
edit The Campus
“At least I don't have hang around with the Riff Raff of Glasgow Caledonian University”
There’s very little, they put a fairly large Can of Baked Beans called 'The Satire Centre' (See Below) up to lure prospective students, mostly though it's just Porter Cabins or old Arms Silos that have been converted to teaching rooms; there is a library behind the giant Baked Beans but it's usually packed full of students and unidentifiable lifeforms and is a most terrible place to be.
There’s the Refectory in a pebble dashed Porter Cabin and a Student union with two Bars that no one uses; typical Caley students bring their own booze like Buckie to get smashed on throughout the day
On Campus there’s also a Gym that once again is used by nearly everybody but the students who are usually too drunk to use it, or possibly too fat or too lazy, generally the latter fuels a culture that fuels the former.
The University was established in 1875 as the Glasgow School of Cookery and to this day remains the leading university for research into tatty scones, Walter White's Crystal Meth and Deep-fried Mars Bars.
The Glasgow School of Cookery merged with Glasgow Polytechnic in 1992 to form the Glasgow Caledonian University we all know and love today.
The aim of the new university was to offer easy-to-understand, straight out of the packet, instant education and training to the niche market of students unqualified to attend the University of Glasgow due to its colossal entry requirements (at the time, one higher D). It sought to collaborate with commercial and industrial organisations and other providers of burgers and fries.
edit Saltire Centre
A massive amount of money crooned from the obscene product placement throughout the University went toward making an obsolete library with stencils and other useless gimicks to lure investors and prospective students. To access the fine new building there's a giant can of Baked Beans with a stairwell fitted. In no way could this construction be viewed as helping the low inroads the University makes in the league tables.
“It's nice to see the ill educated youth kept away from their betters”
edit Departments and Faculties
The university had a cryptic system as to the nature of Departments and Faculties; this as of 2005 has been reformed to three easily understandable formats which are:
- Soft Courses: Nursing (vomit mopping), Podiatry (foot feeling)
- Really Soft: Business (soft Economics) Computing (Computer games)
All three Course options are available within the Business School and the Medical schools and other as yet unknown Faculties
“Only slightly better than airplane food, but at least I didn’t get a bout of the shits!”
A most wonderful trough, voted Glasgow's finest Trough, ideal to flee from Neds and see yet more product placement at the University; there are also security guards to see that you don't steal any cutlery; they'll just set aboot ya if you try.
Continuing investment will hopefully one day that eating at the university will not mean the difficulties of finding doctors and dentists to repair the damage done to students by the refectory; Product placement in exams has been the deans prescription for the matter, god bless her.
- Jeremy Beadle - Quality Broadcaster
- Henry Miller - Briefly attended evening classes on Domestic Science
- Albert Camus - The Absurd hand that guided him led him there
- Vladimir Putin - Fitness programs welded the Russian Dictator
- Alf from Home and Away
- Jimmy Savile
- Morrissey - BA James Dean Studies went on to become mediocre singer